Feels Like Tonight
A/N: Here we are :-P I just wrote this last night, and since Friends Cafe is having server problems, you guys get the chapter first! Haha. This chapter, I see it as being the climax. Not the end, there will still be more, but the height. Which is why the lyrics to "Feels Like Tonight" by Daughtry are included. This song is what gave me the name for the fiction, but also really inspired it. I was listening to the song after watching TOW The Morning After, and I saw a connection. And then I got this idea. So yup, its a great song and you should all definitely check it out :-P
Also, I don't wanna sound like a bitch lol, but I just wanna ask that you please leave a review. Its been hard for me to tell how this ficis going because it's not getting very many reviews, and I just wanna make sure I'm going in the right direction. Feedback is great. Even just something to say you're reading it would be fine! LOL Maybe I'm just being paranoid...
Just enjoy the chapter, lol (its a long one)
"Just tell me the truth."
He took a deep breath. Maybe . . .maybe their relationship was at a safe enough point for this. Sure, it would undoubtably cause a fight. But, since the last one of those, they'd both realized how much they couldn't let fights define their relationship. They were worth it. Weren't they?
"I . . .", he sighed. The moment of truth had come. "I slept with another woman."
He looked into her face, dreading a reaction. But what he saw confused him. Her face was unreadable, completely indifferent. She wasn't even blinking. It was as if she didn't comprehend- or didn't even hear- what he told her. She just stared at him, her jaw tight, her arms folded tightly over her chest. He stared back, not being able to remember a time when he'd been more frightened than this. This was unbearable- he almost wished that she would just have had some big reaction. Screaming, crying, anything. This silence was killing him.
The second he nervously averted his eyes from her, she turned on her heel and stomped out of the room. His eyes shot up, startled from her movement, and watched her as she disappeared into his bedroom. He winced as she slammed the door shut, but finally got to his senses and followed her. Just as he got to the door and was about to turn the knob, he heard the lock click.
"Rachel," he called out, raising his voice so she could hear him through the door. "Rachel, please, I didn't mean to-"
"When were you planning on telling me?", she yelled sternly through the door. He couldn't tell, but he was pretty sure she wasn't crying, and he didn't know if that was a good or bad thing.
"I didn't want to hurt you, Rach!" Now, he could hear the undeniable sound of a muffled sob on the other side of the door.
"Yeah, cause finding out you've been lying to me about it for three months doesn't hurt at all!" she shouted at him.
He turned around, slumping his back into the door. He closed his eyes as he felt the sting of tears. He ignored it. All he could think about was how deep a hole he'd dug himself into- deeper, even, then the grave he'd fallen into at his Nana's funeral. Deeper and much more frightening. And it was all his fault.
You, you got me
Thinking it'll be alright
You, you told me
Come and take a look inside
You believe me
And every single lie
But I, I failed you this time
"Rach, please believe me, I've never been more sorry about anything," he called out to her. "Everything was so messed up that night! You'd just said the thing about the break, I thought we were over! Especially after hearing Mark on the other end of the phone! I was scared, confused, and drunk!"
"So if I go down to the bar right now and have a few drinks, I can sleep with someone? And it wouldn't matter?", she sarcastically shot at him.
"Rachel, I love you. You know I love you. You know I would never intentionally hurt you!"
"You should have been honest with me," she replied, this coming out much softer than anything else. "You shouldn't have done it, but you should have at least told me. Cause it sure hurts worse to know you kept it a secret."
If his heart had even been whole before, it was officially broken into two right now. He knew it- the lying and secrecy had ended up having a greater impact than the fact that he slept with someone else.
"I'm so sorry I did. It's just that Chandler and Joey-"
"You took relationship advice from two guys who've never had a relationship last longer than a tick tac?", she shouted disbelievingly, raising her voice again. "Why wouldn't you just come to me first? Or at least go to Monica!"
"Because I'm stupid! Is that what you want to hear from me, Rach?" His voice was strained and cracked to match hers now, both of their heads spinning and their hearts beating impossibly fast. He lowered his voice back down, knowing yelling wouldn't get them anywhere. "Listen, I just . . .I'm sorry, okay?"
And it feels like tonight
I can't believe I'm broken inside
Can't you see that
There's nothing that I wanna do
But try to make it up to you
And it feels like tonight
Tonight
"I just thought you were different, Ross. But you're not. You're just like the rest of them." He could tell that she was trying, unsuccessfully, to stifle her heavy sobs. He could barely hear her when she wasn't screaming at him, but the quiet words cut deeper than the shouted one. "God, I just can't even believe I trusted you."
He couldn't tell if he was meant to hear that, or if it was to himself. But he didn't blame her. Rachel had been hurt a lot of times in the past, in the same way. He just added himself to the list of boyfriends who'd cheated on Rachel Green. He hated the fact that she now associated him with the likes of Chip, Paulo, and Barry. He knew he was so much better than them . . .wait a second. He was better than them!
"You know that's not true," he replied calmly. "You know for damn sure that I'm not them. I didn't do this on purpose, Rachel! I thought you didn't want to be with me anymore! I thought we were over!"
"What, so it's my fault? Don't you dare pin this on me. Don't. You. Dare."
He sighed. "You're right. It's not your fault. But please, just- just give me a chance. You know I'm not trying to hurt you, I'm trying to do the exact opposite!"
"Ross, I was on the phone so late that night. I tried so many times to call you, to tell you I loved you. And you were having sex with another woman! And I'm learning this three months later! Did you just think I would never find out?" Ross remained silent; he was out of words. But he was crying openly now, realizing just how much his entire life had begun falling apart in the last twenty minutes. To his surprise, he heard her unlock the door.
"I need to go home and think," she said as she slowly opened the door. He finally got a good look at her. Her hair was a mess, her clothing disheveled, her mascara running down her bright red face, mixing with her tears. He looked up hopefully at the site of her, but she shot him down just as quick. "I'm not saying that's a good thing . . .I just . . .God, I can't even look at you right now. I just have to get out of here. Don't call. It didn't work for me, did it?"
All he could do was stay motionless, leaning against the wall. He watched her as she hastily grabbed her things. Right as she opened his front door, she looked back and locked eyes with him. A second later, she shook her head, let out another sob, and left.
Ross was left alone. And he had no idea how long he'd have to wait, but he knew he would wait for her forever.
I was waiting
For the day you'd come around
I was chasing
But nothing was all I found
From the moment
You came into my life
You, you showed me what's right
When Rachel reached her apartment, she wasn't even crying anymore. She had no tears left. Her eyes were red and sore, her body physically exhausted. Her mind was buzzing but nothing that made any sense was coming out. She had no idea how to process the information she'd just learned, and she didn't know how she would handle it.
Hearing that someone had entered, Monica came out of her bedroom, expecting to see Chandler or Joey. Instead, she was quite startled by the mess she saw. That wasn't her best friend . . .who had done this?
"Sweetie?" she asked carefully, rushing over to Rachel and immediately pulling her into a hug. Rachel buried her face in Monica's shoulder, feeling as though tears would come but knowing that they wouldn't. It stung her eyes but there was nothing she could do to stifle the pain. "What happened, is everything okay?"
Rachel pulled out of Monica's embrace. "Ross slept with someone else," she stated bluntly.
"What?" Monica stared at Rachel in shock, her eyes angry but searching for an explanation. All she got was a nod from Rachel as she sat on the couch. Monica quickly joined her. "When, who, how?"
"I don't know who," Rachel began explaining, so calm that it even surprised herself. "It was on our anniversary. When I told him we should go on a break. He actually thought we were on a break."
"Well, honey, I know what he did was terrible. But you did-"
"A break is not being broken up!", Rachel angrily inturrupted her. "And he left before we could even talk about it! We were not broken up and we were not on a break. He just got mad when Mark came over to talk to me, and I guess he got drunk and jumped on the first female thing that moved," she spat bitterly.
"Rachel, I'm so sorry," Monica sincerely said, pulling her friend into another hug. She was caught between two worlds- her best friend and her brother. She knew Ross wouldn't do anything like this on purpose, but still- look what it was doing to Rachel!
"And I had that dream about it," Rachel said quietly. "Ugh, I just . . .I can't believe I trusted him. I can't believe I loved him! How did I let myself love him?", Monica didn't have an answer, so she just embraced Rachel tighter. But Rachel pulled away. "And he lied about it. I just can't believe . . .I gotta . . .go to bed. Or something. I don't know what."
Monica just watched as Rachel helplessly wandered into her bedroom.
And it feels like tonight
I can't believe I'm broken inside
Can't you see that
There's nothing that I wanna do
But try to make it up to you
And it feels like tonight
Tonight
Two hours later, and she was still wide awake. Her eyes were wet again, because shortly after she'd gotten into bed, the tears seemed to replenish. She just could not make sense of any of this. There was only one thing she knew for certain, but she didn't get why.
She still loved him.
She knew, in her heart, that she did. There was not much he, or anyone, could do to make her stop. She knew he wasn't like the ex-boyfriends and fianceés of her past. But that only made the pain worse, because he truly had cared for her, and he still hurt her. Chip hadn't seen her as anything more than a chance to date the cheerleading captain. She was just a trophy to hang on Barry's arm. And she just happened to be the first American woman Paulo had met. But Ross . . .Ross had loved her.
So what was she to do? Stay with him, the man who cheated on her and lied about it, and loose her pride but have love? Or break things off now, and stop the downward spiraling disaster that was their relationship, but loose the one person she ever truly was connected to?
God, how badly she wanted to just go to his apartment, fall back into his arms, and forget any of this had ever happened. But it wasn't that easy. Why couldn't it be that easy?
Her head ached, her eyes ached, her whole body ached. Was Ross worth this pain? He may had been with another woman, but he had thought they were on a break. But still, you don't sleep with someone an hour after you go on a break with someone else! But he was drunk, he wasn't thinking straight. But he could have just believed her about Mark in the first place!
Everything had a "but". She couldn't decide on any one way to look at this problem. Instead, she imagined what would happen if she did go back to his apartment. He'd probably hug her for all it was worth, kiss her, and tell her he loved her and he would never hurt her again. And she would believe him. Eventually, she fell asleep with these thoughts, dreaming of an easier life and a surrender to her heart.
I never felt like this before
Just when I leave, I'm back for more
Nothing else here seems to matter
In these ever changing days
You're the one thing that remains
I could stay like this forever...
Ross stared out the window in his front room. He'd sat on his couch a minute after she left, and hadn't moved since. He hadn't been able to, he didn't have any strength left. The one thing keeping him alive and sane had just walked out of his apartment . . .and possibly out of his life.
Was there any possible way to mend this damage? Would it even be worth the try? He knew that Rachel could be hard-headed when she really believed in something. But at this point, she didn't know what she believed. All he could do was pray that she believed in him.
But did he even deserve it?
He cursed the day he listened to Chandler and Joey. He didn't blame them, because they didn't know any better. They didn't know love and the new set of rules it instilled in a relationship. And, even more than that day, he cursed the day he ever looked at Chloe. What did he see her as, a way to forget about his life's problems? Because, if he was remembering correctly, he'd thought of Rachel the entire time anyway.
He had officially fucked up his entire life, for good. He might be praying and wishing on every damn star in the sky that Rachel would forgive him, but he knew deep down that he didn't have the right to think that. He knew he'd be angry as hell if she gave up on him, but he also knew that he didn't deserve her love.
He, too, fell asleep dreaming of her.
And it feels like tonight
I can't believe I'm broken inside
Can't you see that
There's nothing that I wanna do
But try to make it up to you
And it feels like tonight
Tonight...
Cause there's nothing that I wanna do
But try to make it up to you
And it feels like tonight ...
Tonight
