We stared at each other, the cold air and snowflakes swirling around us. The neighborhood was silent, most people still asleep in their beds. I moved off the step, shaking my head.
"What are you doing?"
"Shoveling your snow."
"I don't understand, Edward. Why would you do that?"
He stepped closer, pointing toward the house. "Go inside, Bella. It's cold and you don't have a coat on." He smirked as he shook his head. "Again."
"Have you been doing this the entire time?"
"Yes."
"I–I don't…"
"It was one of the few ways I could still look after you."
I thought of all the mornings the snow had been brushed off my car. The driveway and walkway shoveled. The burned-out lightbulb I thought had suddenly begun working again over the front door.
It had been Edward all along.
"Go inside, please."
"I want you to come in."
He swallowed, looking nervous. "Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"Let me finish."
"I'll make coffee."
"Okay."
~o0o~
Edward wrapped his long fingers around the mug, lifting the steaming coffee to his lips.
"Good." He sighed. "You always made the best coffee."
"Thank you."
He glanced around the room, and I followed his gaze, wondering what he saw. The house came furnished which was one of the reasons I rented it. The pieces were nondescript and plain. A couple cheap prints hung on the walls, otherwise the room was void of any other touches. Most of the boxes I brought with me were still packed and sitting on the floor of the guest room I never used. My clothes hung in the closet, my shoes were by the door, but apart from that, it was as if I lived in a stranger's house.
I met Edward's eyes. The green was bright in the dull light, and the expression on his face baffled me. It was tender and compassionate.
"I'm confused, Edward."
"I know."
"I don't understand what is happening, but I need you to know something."
"I'm listening."
"When I woke up . . . when you told me about Jordan . . ." My voice trailed off, and I had to swallow the emotion. "I don't remember a lot."
"That's understandable. You were in shock." He cleared his throat. "Neither of us were ourselves, Bella. I had lost my child, and I didn't know if my wife was going to survive. I was going out of my mind."
I hated hearing his pain. I knew he had lived through hell. I leaned forward, gently touching his hand. "I do know this, Edward. I remember your words echoing in my head. I remember the pain hitting me. And I remember thinking to myself it was all my fault. Because of my decision to drive, we had lost our child."
"You—"
I shook my head. "I was up all night thinking, trying to piece it together. I don't recall not talking. I thought I was talking. I think . . . I think I was screaming in my head. I kept begging you for answers. I couldn't figure out why you weren't responding."
"You didn't say anything, except once. You cried out and said 'it's all your fault!' Then you were silent."
"I wasn't talking to you, Edward. I was talking to myself. Blaming myself."
His brow furrowed.
"I kept telling myself I was responsible. I kept thinking 'this is all your fault.'" I wiped away a tear. "I must have said it out loud, but I didn't mean you."
Tears glistened in his eyes. "I thought you blamed me. I knew you didn't want to come to the party, but I wanted you there. If I had just let you stay home, you wouldn't have been on the road that night." His voice shook. "I blamed myself, so it seemed natural for you to blame me, too."
"What changed?" I whispered.
He bent forward, resting his arms on his thighs. "I've been going to therapy. Jane has helped me to see there is no blame on either of us for losing our child. We're only human, Bella. I asked you to come to a party, and you chose to drive there. Simple decisions. Two minutes—either way—and our lives would be very different right now. The blame rests on the person who struck your car. They caused the accident. Not you. Not me."
He sucked in a deep breath. "I've learned I have to come to terms with my grief. I have to move forward. I can't bring him back. I will mourn our loss the rest of my life." He met my gaze. "But I also can choose to fight for the one thing I can get back. You."
"Me?"
"I love you, Bella. I have always loved you. Even when I couldn't say it or show you. I thought you hated me. I thought I had to give you up. That, by doing so, somehow we would heal and move forward. But I was wrong. I can't heal from that loss without you. I can't move forward without you. I can't be happy without you."
I stared at him, dumbfounded.
"I wanted to ask for your forgiveness, Bella. I showed up last night, hoping to open a dialogue with you. To find out if there was any chance of rebuilding what we lost. What I so stupidly walked away from."
"I don't blame you."
"Don't blame yourself, either." He reached out, his palms extended. "Come with me to see Jane, and let her help you the way she has helped me. Let her help us together."
I hesitated, then slipped my hands into his. He wrapped his fingers around my hands, holding them securely.
"We didn't cause the death of our son, but we didn't fight for us, Bella."
"I didn't know how to."
"Neither did I. But I do now. I am asking for your forgiveness for walking away."
"I-I need time, Edward."
"And you can have it. But I need to know you want to try." His voice shook. "I need to know there is a chance."
I looked down at our joined hands. Edward's wedding ring glinted in the light. He never removed it. Mine was on a chain around my neck. I didn't feel as if I deserved to wear it, yet I couldn't bear the thought of not having it close.
I thought of the past few months. The emptiness I felt being apart from Edward. Losing Jordan had devastated me. Losing Edward had ended me.
I lifted my eyes to his, searching for his inner most emotions. The ones I always could read in his gaze.
Warmth, need, and gentleness met my searching gaze. There was no blame or anger. Only pleading. I squeezed his hand.
"I want to try."
Tomorrow. Back to one per day until Wednesday.
