Mommy Dearest
aka
Behind Closed Doors
Summary: I can't believe that she can bear to do this to me, every single day. No relief comes, but I can't bring myself to end it. I need help.
Elaboration: Edward and Alice are brother and sister. Edward is the child that everyone loves to hate, and his sister is the only one that he will let himself trust. Bella and Emmett Swan, and Jasper and Rosalie Hale are the only friends he has, and the only reason he keeps on living. Classic abuse story and not much fluff. All human. Major Out Of Character Moments.
Chapter Seven
Once again, I find myself back on the subject of addiction. I would, however, not necessarily like to focus on the addictions themselves, but rather the problems that they can cause. And why people do them.
There is the addiction to alcohol, for instance. A few drinks can give one a light buzz, and makes everything right in the world. It can make one strong and undefeatable, and quick to reactions for any situation. A few more drinks, though, and one could end up on the side of the road, with a split skull from when you were thrown out of the window by the force of the head-on collision. Or it could drive people to other stupid things; like having unprotected sex, or starting on drugs – another addiction, I might add – and other stupid and dangerous things. It leads women to be lured into dark alleys, where they can be raped, mugged, and left for dead. It leads men to let themselves got into testosterone-fueled bouts that can lead to incarceration, hospitalization or death.
And yet people don't stop.
Then there is the reliance on drugs and opiates. Now, believe me when I say I know how awesome drugs can be; I would often steal doses of morphine from my father, when my pain was particularly unbearable. That stage of my life is over, but I can still remember the delicious feeling as the drugs spread through my system. I never gave myself more then necessary, but perhaps I did steal a little more often than really needed. But I refuse to hold myself responsible for my actions in my teens. Perhaps that is where my fault truly lies.
Then, of course, there are other things. Sexaholics. Kleptomaniacs. I consider myself neither, but I can understand the want for doing these things. Sex is a physical activity, which provides instant gratification that is completely one-sided. All I've ever had are one-night-stands, and in them I paid little to no attention to the needs of the women, though they weren't having too bad of a time themselves, from their screams. But, upon the quite-easily-reached orgasm, as well as the physical exertions of the activity, endorphins and dopamine will flood the brain, giving euphoria. Why wouldn't one seek it out as much as possible? It is akin to heroin. Kleptomaniacs, I imagine, get a rush or thrill from deliberately doing something that they know is wrong.
So they don't stop.
Another reason, I think, that people turn to things like alcohol and drugs and sex, is exactly the same reason I did too; they like having excuses.
For instance, I had a rough childhood. Understatement of the century, but it shall do for now. So I turned to drink, to numb the pain. Once the pain was numbed, it frightened me. I wanted to feel something; anything, so I turned to sex, and sometimes a cigarette or two. I never got hooked on the stuff, though. It repulsed me. Now that I feel like I need to have these things, I continue to do them, using my past as an excuse. And when I get reprimanded by people, I say that it's because of drink that I act that way. This is a circular path, and I find myself following it blindly, uncaring of where it shall lead.
I should stop. I really should. I'm glad of what happened; it gave me the conviction I needed to do so.
-m-o-m-m-y—d-e-a-r-e-s-t-
The alarm that I had set on my phone blared loud and clear at seven thirty. I rolled over with a groan and pushed randomly at buttons until it stopped, then rolled back over to the position that I had been previously occupying. I felt something warm and, like an animal to light, I was drawn to it, wrapping my arms around the shape.
As consciousness gradually came to me, I paid more attention to it. It was too soft to be a pillow, and a few moments' thinking confirmed that there was, indeed, the different feel of clothes to that of skin. My hands explored a little, and the warm person shifted under me, moving closer.
I opened my eyes to look at the person sharing my bed. Her hair had moved over her face, hiding it, but I could see it was the colour of deep chocolate, hiding creamy, pale skin. The woman – thank God it was a woman, once I had woken up with a man. Nothing had happened, but it still freaked me out – was only wearing, from what I could see, one of my shirts.
Had I gotten lucky last night? Fun. Pity I couldn't remember, though. All I could recall was getting hammered last night, and Bella driving me home.
A sneaking suspicion crept up on me, and I looked back at the woman's hidden face. Had I…?
Cautiously, not wanting to wake her, I moved the hair to the side.
And wanted to crawl into a hole and die right then.
It was Bella.
I practically jumped out of the bed, staring at her in shock. Bella…in my bed…in my shirt…Holy Shit. She moved around a little, frowning slightly, probably at the absence of my body behind her, but rolled over and sighed, slipping back into dreamland. I could only stare at her. She was so…I didn't even know how to describe her.
I needed to leave. Now. In needed air.
Searching around the house, I pulled on the first pieces of clothing I found; jeans, t-shirt, and the ever present hoodie. I had lost most of the evidence now, but I felt the need to hide it still. I practically ran out of the house, into the elevator, before I started hyperventilating.
Had I slept with Bella?
The elevator took an infuriatingly long time to reach the ground level, but once it did I was out the door and into the bracing morning air. It was still cold, and the sun was just barely rising. I felt the effects of a full night's drinking catch up with me and groaned, mashing my fists into my throbbing temples. I had a pounding headache, which was to be expected.
I gradually found my way to a bench and sank down onto it gratefully. I had my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands. With everything racing in my mind, the sound of a passing person or car was maddeningly loud and obnoxious. I wanted to press a 'mute' button or something.
I needed to think.
I needed coffee.
Ahh…coffee…The burning liquid was fabulous. It woke me up almost immediately, if only from the temperature. My head was clearing gradually, and I could string a coherent sentence together in my mind. I sat back on the same bench and sighed, letting the rising sun warm the air and greet the day. I used to hate seeing the sunrise, but now I reveled in it. I waited every day with eager anticipation for the dawn of a new light. It was refreshing.
But, today, it was like I had rewound five years, and was back in my old house; with the tormentor I called Mother living just a few doors down. I shivered, wanting to block out the memory. I swiftly turned to the question plaguing my mind.
Had what I think what happened last night actually happened? The evidence was sketchy at best. Had I been so out of it that I hadn't even bothered with undressing her? All of her clothes had been neatly folded on a chair, and I had been still half-dressed. I hadn't found any protection, used or otherwise, and this would be strange, because I always insisted on using them. I didn't want to catch or give something. But…why was she half-naked in my room?
There didn't seem any answers except the obvious one:
I had slept with Bella.
The woman I had adored since first meeting her.
The woman I was in love with.
The only woman I had ever been in love with.
That I had left.
And crushed my family.
And hadn't seen for five years.
…Fuck.
Emmett was going to kill me.
-m-o-m-m-y—d-e-a-r-e-s-t-
I didn't know how long I sat there for, but eventually, my phone went off. I started at the unfamiliar ring tone…I hadn't heard it…years.
When I had first left Forks, living in a foster care home, I had deleted all the contacts in my phone, wanting a fresh start, and a clean break. I hadn't answered any of their calls, texts or emails either, until they finally got the message and stopped calling. Each deleted item had sent shafts of pain through me, but I knew it would be better that way; a fresh start.
But I couldn't delete hers.
And that was her ring tone.
Warily, I flipped open the phone. The word 'Bella' blared at me accusingly. Should I answer? I sighed, and pressed 'hang up'.
I couldn't speak to her right now.
-m-o-m-m-y—d-e-a-r-e-s-t-
When I returned home, I wished with all of my heart that she would not be there. I didn't see her car outside, but that of course meant nothing. We could have driven home in my car. I honestly had no idea. I took several deep, level breaths in the elevator, trying to keep my cool in case she was still there. My hands kept running through my hair; a nervous gesture. I knocked tentatively on the door, before unlocking it and opening the door to my apartment. The pile of her clothes that had previously occupied the chair was gone, much to my relief, and I saw no purse or other thing that could belong to hers. There was music playing, from my radio which was set to go off ten minutes after my phone, in case I didn't wake up. That must have been what roused Bella.
Roused. Damn it.
I decided that I needed to know what happened. Damn my nervousness, and damn the lies. I just wanted to know, so that I could move on with it. I turned, grabbing my coat to head to her place, which I hoped was where she was heading, before I heard a soft voice call from behind me.
"Leaving again already?"
I whirled around. Bella was there, wet hair clinging to her neck and shoulders from a recent shower, and her clothes from last night molded to fit her, because of the dampness. I'm surprised my jaw didn't hit the floor, but she blushed when it was evident I was obviously staring at her like some lusty idiot. I couldn't help it though…she was positively radiant. If I had indeed been with her last night, I would kill myself for not being able to remember it. The first time with Bella…
I remembered that I had a question to answer.
"I'm sorry, Bella," I mumbled, all carefully constructed speeches flying out the window. "It was rude of me to leave."
She giggled, laughing at my embarrassment. "Edward, what has you so uncomfortable?"
Now or never. I blurted out the question before I could justify not asking it. "What exactly happened last night?"
The blush was back on her face, and my mind went blank. Oh Shit, Oh Shit, Oh shit. I sank down slowly to the single step that came before the main room in the apartment, and placed my head in my hands again, swearing to myself in my head.
"Oh God, oh God, Emmett's going to kill me."
Bella rushed over to sit next to me. She took my wrists in her small hands and made me look at her. I didn't want to, but since when could I ever refuse her? Exactly. How pathetic was I? I was whipped before I had actually dated the woman. Sigh.
"Relax, Edward, breathe."
Breathe? How could I fucking breathe? "How am I meant to do that, Bella? We fucking had sex last night. Don't lie to me! I saw you. Oh dear God, I'm going to Hell. Right after Emmett – and possibly Jasper – kills me. Maybe I should add Alice too. And Rosalie, just because she hates my guts and wants to kill me anyway. Let's get the whole fucking gang here and have an Edward piñata day!" Okay, so I was rambling, but I was so freaking out here.
"Edward, calm down! Nothing happened last night."
What?!
"What?!"
She blushed again. "Well, I drove you home in the Volvo, because you were almost passed out." Her voice filled with motherly affection, something that I had not ever heard before. "And when I dropped you off, safe and sound in your bed…you…asked me to stay with you. Not in a sexual way! You just wanted me to sleep here. So I did."
"What about your clothes?"
"Well…I mentioned that, and you simply offered to lend me one of your shirts. You were half-asleep by then, poor thing." Her hand was rubbing soothing circles on my back, and I was calmed. Thank the Lord…nothing had happened. And yet, I couldn't help but be wistful. My relationship with Bella was still at a halt. I needed something to get reacquainted with her; five years had changed her so much, and all for the better.
"Spend the day with me today," I said, looking at her.
"What?"
"I don't know." I shrugged, acting nonchalant. "But it's been a while since we really spoke to each other, and I regret that. I want to be able to hopefully make amends, Bella. Please let me have that chance." I was cheating, really, playing on guilt, but I desperately needed her company now. "Unless you have to work," I added.
"No...It's cool. I'm off today." She smiled, and my heart leapt. "I just want to go to my place to change. Drive me there?"
"Who took your car?"
"Alice drove it to my apartment."
I nodded. I opened the door for her once we got to the car, and she smiled and rolled her eyes. Hey, if she was going to stay around me, she had to get used to being treated like a lady.
The car purred to life, and we were off.
Author's Note: Alright, so this chapter is shorter than the others, but at least it's there, right? Did anyone else laugh at Edward's distress? I did. Oh well. Please let me know of any mistakes. And I know that in the last chapter, Edward was in Forks, and now he's in Boston. He passed out for the plane ride. Let's leave it at that, because I didn't realize the error until it was already finished, and I am so not rewriting it. I'm lazy that way.
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HigherMagic x
