A/N: A little note- in the actual book, the Duchess does say "Chop off her head!" once. I realize that this is mainly the queen's line, but still felt that Prussia needed to say it, considering his personality.
"What the hell…?" Well, upon hearing the… being described as a duchess, Lovino had never once anticipated that the so-called female duke would be a male. Of course, he himself was suffering from acute gender confusion, what with the attire of choice, but that was beside the point. However, his thoughts and many criticisms of this "duchess" were forced to an abrupt halt upon sudden sneeze detonating from his slightly-flared nostrils, echoing around the bustling room and rebounding off of each wall, carrying out the window and into the world beyond. The bird, in turn, was simultaneously hollering and sneezing- a feat thought to have been accomplished only by the Italians themselves in the many years of old, plagued by disease. Indeed, even the possibly-albino duke himself was expelling air in rapid achoo's.
The cook, whose face was veiled at the moment, hovered over his pot of soup- or whatever freaky elixir he was concocting with all of that pepper- and continued to pour in the spices and heavy black flecks by the gallon, paying no mind to the other presences in the room. The only other being in the room that refused to allow a single sneeze to pass their lips was a peculiar cat-man sitting in the corner of the room, grinning from ear to ear in a seemingly-sadistic smile. Its back, however, was turned, for the most part, shrouding his true appearance from the Italian cross-dresser. All Lovino could truly make out was the long striped tail protruding from a tail-hole at the bottom of his clothing and a long pair of curved cat ears. However, the smiling face, ever-masochistic, peered from over the massive feline's shoulder, a glint evident in his violet eyes that depicted that of the devil himself.
"Hey, duchess?" Lovino said dully, crossing his arms in impatience and short-temperance. "There's something seriously fucked up with your cat."
The duchess-duke-whatever met the hazel eyes of the Italian, threatening each other's gaze to dare waver for the briefest of moments. "Hey, smartass, don't call me a duchess! Where did you even hear that from? I bet it was the Royal Bastard himself, wasn't it? He really needs to learn when to shut his damned mouth… And what makes you think my cat's fucked up, huh? I'll haveyou know that my cat's freakin' awesome! Not as awesome as I am, but still!"
"Right…" Lovino murmured under his breath, sarcasm lacing his voice. "Look, duke-"
"Gilbert Beilschmidt, the awesome."
"No. Duke. Anyway, what makes you think that-" The bizarre feline proceeded to grind its curved claws into the gravel flooring below, purring and emitting some other peculiar noise all the while. "-Is normal?"
"'Cause he's Russian."
"Ah." Well, that certainly clarified some things.
"Argh!" The bird in his lap hacked suddenly, spewing out what Lovino hoped to be the remains of an insect, for if it wasn't- well, he feared what else it could have been. "Damn, you can be such a pig sometimes, Gilbird!"
Gilbird? Okay, this guy was seriously out of whack… even for an inhabitant of this world. "So… Any particular reason why you're blackening this room?"
"Dare you challenge my actions? My accomplishments are all awesome, whether you think so or not- not that your opinion really matters." And, with those final words, a volley of random objects from the kitchen came flying full-throttle at the Prussian's face, narrowly missing the bird's beak in the process.
Where the torrent of china was flying from remained a bit muddled from the view of the Italian, considering the black cloud which engulfed the atmosphere, though he could only assume that the cook over in the corner had something to do with it. "Watch what you're doing, bastard!" he snapped as a small platter brushed the bridge of his nose, barely missing his face. "Oh, why did I bother following Feli this far anyway? Him and that stupid potato freak… Hmph! And if he had never joined up with the axis powers, he would never have met the-"
"Axes?" Gilbert guffawed, rapping his knee with an open palm. "Ah, that reminds me! Servant! Chop off his vital regions!"
"W-W-W-Wha? You-! You insane bastard, get away from me!" Lovino stammered, cringing at the thought. Surely he wasn't serious?
"Ah, gotta love mocking the royalty." The duke held the bird tighter, clenching his fists around the lithe frame of the yellow fowl. The cross-dresser flinched away, a strong discomfort overwhelming his being at the sheer inkling of the infamous royal family- and if either the queen or king castrated people, well, he genuinely feared for both Feliciano's life and his own. Indeed, his blood pumped full-throttle at the sickening mention of vital-region-removal. "Argh, speaking of which, I'm supposed to go do something with his royal pain-in-the-ass, right? Hear, take care of Gilbird." Withdrawing a sigh, the Prussian shoved the bird forward rather violently, forcing the wretch into the clutches of Lovino, and rose from his rocking chair, which Gilbert had insisted time and time again to be a throne. The duke dusted off his pants with a rigorous swipe of skillful wrists, flashed the Italian a cocky grin, and advanced out the door, taking no notice of the footman who still sat against the side of the house.
"Who says I want to take care of the stupid bird?" Lovino grumbled.
Rolling his eyes in dismay, the Italian hoisted the young bird upon his shoulder, holding it rather awkwardly by its scrawny orange foot, and trudged out the door, grumbling incoherent gibberish to himself under his breath. "What did the crazy bastard want with my vital regions, anyway?"
"Oh, he was probably just mocking the royal family, as usual," the cook replied with a smile, soon followed by a hesitant frown. "Either that, or he was sick of having soup for every meal."
"You mean he would've eaten my-? G-Get me the hell away from this house!" Although this comment was clearly intended for no one in particular, the bird, appropriately dubbed Gilbird, responded with a giddy chirp and teetered from the man's shoulder, releasing the faintest oink before flapping away madly, paying no mind to the flustered cross-dresser below. "Oh great, now the damned bird's gone! Ugh, that Duchess-Duke-thing better not come back expecting the little omelet."
"Oh~! An omelet?" purred a voice, somewhat unfamiliar to Lovino's ears. Out of the corner of his eye, Lovino caught a brief glimpse of that bizarre feline from just minutes previous, though the cat had obviously transferred havens from the abode to a nearby tree branch in that concise amount of time. "An omelet sounds awfully scrumptious now, da?"
"W-Wah?!" Lovino sprang backwards, stumbling over his ridiculously clumsy, dress-shoed feet and plummeting to the filthy ground below. "What the hell? Where did you come from?"
The cat grinned, swaying a long, muscular arm from side to side, battering at a tarnished autumn leaf with enormous, glove-like paws. "I don't believe it is a question of where I came from, but a question of where I intend to go."
"Um… What?"
The Cheshire cat only grinned more fervently than before, baring his glinting white fangs. "If I told you where I came from, I'd have to kill you." A giddy laugh escaped those smirking lips, prompting a cringe from the Italian's direction.
"U-Um… right… Look, cat-"
"Ivan, Ivan Bragins-"
"Whatever. Look, Ivan, any chance you could point me in the direction to go?" Indeed, this had been an inquiry that he had attempted to ask many times that day, to a variety of different creatures, he might add. But, alas, his futile attempts were just that, and he had eventually wound up in his current position, surrounded by this atmospheric folly.
"Well… I guess that would depend on where you want to go, da? But, really, why not stay and chat? I'm sure we could find plenty-" At that word, his claws unsheathed, flexing every muscle with each dexterous finger motion, "-to talk about. I can engage in very intense conversations, you know."
Another flinching tremor jolted down the spine of Lovino Vargas, who had taken a half-step back before regretting the consequences which may accompany such a decision. "If you could just… tell me who, exactly, lives around this madhouse-"
"A madhouse, you say?" Evidently, though Lovino failed to see exactly how, that statement had been undeniably hilarious, and prompted a sickening giggle from the sadistic feline's mouth, and Ivan's accent seemed to thicken as he slinked down from the branch and onto the ground. "Ah, eh hah… Well, down that road lives a Hatter." He then proceeded to motion his paw towards the opposite path, still managing to stifle a deep chortle. "And in that direction lives a March Hare. Really, though, neither one are all that interesting. I would much rather you stay here with me."
"E-Eh… I think my schedule is a bit too busy for that… Tell me, though, are the Hatter and the Hare both mad as well?"
"Of course they are! I'm mad, you're mad!" However, by the time those words escaped the feline's smirking lips, the cross-dresser was already staggering back towards the woods, following one of the paths pointed out by Ivan. Giving one more little chuckle, the Russian-Cheshire cat waved a paw out in riddance, slowly dissipating from view. As the ever-grinning mouth, the last thing to depart, began to fade as well, it shouted back to the Italian, "We're all mad around here!" before vanishing from sight.
Lovino blinked a few times, assuring himself that his own inner madness had not drawn him to believe that the feline had disappeared. But, as it was, Ivan had, indeed, gone astray. "Well… now what? Hm… The hatter or the hare? Well, I've had my fair share of rabbits today… but, still, with some random hatter amongst these freaks of nature, can it really be trusted either?" And, in that moment, it dawned upon Lovino that he was, in fact, talking to himself out loud. "D-Damn it, I'm not mad! Argh!" Oh, wait, he was doing it again…
"You know, you really shouldn't go around talking to yourself like that." Ivan reappeared before the cross-dresser's hazel eyes, catching him by the utmost surprise and earning a booming shriek from the man-in-a-dress. "People will think you've completely lost your mind. And we wouldn't want that to happen… da~?" Lovino dared to allow his eyes to blink, only to have them reopen to the feline disappearing once again.
I'm really losing my mind, huh… I gotta find Feliciano and get out of here. Thankfully, he was at least thinking within the barriers of his own mind again as he sauntered aimlessly towards the direction of the March Hare's house. After ten minutes of walking and complaining about his aching legs, Lovino caught sight of the hare's humble estate- a towering home with a chimney that resembled bunny ears and cascading locks of blonde hair tumbling down from its roof.
"I swear, if this freak ends up being more raving mad than the hatter, I'll-"
"Swearing is a nasty habit to begin," Ivan chided, that recognizable grin still planted firmly upon his face. Really, hadn't that cat's cheeks begun to hurt from that incessant smiling? Wait… the cat? And surely Ivan wasn't carrying a knife in hand?
Lovino tumbled to the forest floor once more, a terrorized scream emitting from his chest. "G-G-Get away from me, you-"
But the feline was already gone, as was the knife.
Perhaps he truly was hallucinating.
"Oh…" So, as usual, he uttered the first thing that came to mind.
"Oh, damn it all!"
A/N: Alright, this took way longer to get out than I had planned. I can only beg for your forgiveness I suppose… Well, I was without Internet for about a week, but still! I'm sorry~!
And many thanks to the few of you who are actually reviewing! I am forever grateful!
R&R… please?
