A/N: Warning: This chapter contains discussion of a child's death as a result of SIDS.
"Lucy, wait. Let me help with that," Tony called. He had spotted her in the parking garage of Ziva's apartment building. She was attempting to lift a large box out of the trunk of her car.
"Well now, how do you plan to hold this box and that bag of food you are carrying, too?" Lucy asked.
"I was thinking you could carry the food and I'll get the box. It looks heavy," Tony said as he handed her the food and reached into the trunk. As they walked to the elevator, he asked, "What have you got in here anyway?"
"Just some old Christmas decorations I got out of storage. Just between you and me, I'm planning on adding a little Christmas cheer to Ziva's apartment. I even made a stocking with her name on it."
"Um, Lucy, I don't exactly know how to tell you this but Ziva is Jewish. She doesn't really celebrate Christmas."
"Well, she does now," Lucy said. "Oh, don't look at me like that. I'm not out to change her religion. She told me that being Jewish was more cultural than religious for her. She thinks Christmas seems more like an American holiday. She agreed to celebrate with my family this year. I thought maybe she'd miss her friends and family in Israel less if she focused on Christmas instead of the Jewish holidays. What is it? You still seem troubled."
"I guess it's none of my business but she used to practice her religion. She went to a synagogue on Saturdays when she first came to the U.S. And she used to wear a Star of David necklace all the time, too. Now that I think about it, I haven't seen it since she got back. I wonder what changed," Tony explained.
"Well, I guess you'll have to ask her that. If I was speculating, I'd say that it was one of many things she did just because her father wanted it. Maybe she's trying to decide what she believes for herself now," Lucy said as she studied the sack of food and got a good look at the name of the restaurant. "Hmm, this is more than just stopping at a drive through on the way over. If I didn't know better, I'd say you were trying to impress a girl."
"I was. Did it work? Are you impressed, Lucy?" Tony said with a flirtatious smile.
Shaking her head, Lucy sternly replied, "You won't be distracting me with your charm. What exactly are you up to, young man?"
"I was just trying to do something nice for Ziva, that's all," Tony replied a little taken aback by Lucy's change in demeanor.
"You'd best not be playing with that sweet girl's heart or you'll have me to answer to," Lucy warned him.
"I would never do that to her, Lucy. She's been through hell and I would never intentionally hurt her."
"Hmmph. A charmer like you? I'll believe that when I see it," Lucy said with a glare.
"Look, I know she's probably told you I was a player before but I've changed. It's not like that with her. I think I'm ready for a real relationship," Tony said, automatically defending himself before he paused to think about it. As realization dawned, he told Lucy accusingly, "You did that on purpose. Got me all defensive with your motherly concern for Ziva. You're good. Too good. I'd pay money to watch you take on my boss in interrogation."
Lucy laughed and told him, "From what Ziva has told me about him it sounds like that might be fun. Tony, you listen to me. I recognize good character when I see it and I know your heart's in the right place but you be careful with Ziva. You may be ready for a relationship but she still needs some time. Don't you get discouraged and give up on her."
By this time they were inside the elevator. As it approached Ziva's floor, Tony sat the box down and hit the emergency stop button. Seeing Lucy's concern, he reassured her, "My boss does this all the time. It'll start right up again when I push the button."
When he didn't continue immediately, Lucy asked him, "What is it, dear? Have I said something that upset you?"
"It's not what you said as much as what you got me to say. Look Lucy, I need to be honest with you. I didn't come over here tonight planning to start a relationship with Ziva. At least, I didn't think about it like that. I just know I don't like the thought of her with any other guy and I want to give her a reason not to be," Tony explained.
"I see. Well, perhaps you should think this through a little. If you expect her to give up her chance of finding love with someone else, it seems that you should be willing to offer her something more than take out from a nice restaurant in return, don't you think?" Lucy said gently. When she got no response, Lucy reached over and restarted the elevator herself.
The hockey game had ended about ten minutes earlier but Tony remained motionless on Ziva's couch. He'd been much quieter than normal throughout the evening. Ziva had commented on it but he attributed it to being tired. Now he was claiming he was too comfortable to move. The truth was he just didn't want to leave. He mindlessly changed the channel on the television until he came across an older episode of Dirty Jobs. He expected Ziva to protest when he left it there but she didn't.
As if she could read his mind, Ziva informed him, "Lucy watches this show. She has given me a new appreciation for it."
"Really? Lucy's a fan of Dirty Jobs? Didn't see that coming," Tony said.
"It is not so much the show as it is the host that she enjoys watching," Ziva told him waiting to see if he would be as shocked as she had been.
"I never figured her for a cougar but why not? Go, Lucy!"
"A cougar?" Ziva asked with confusion.
"Yea, you know, a woman who scores a much younger man. Like Demi Moore with Ashton Kutcher."
"I do not think Lucy actually intends to score him. She just enjoys the view as do I," Ziva explained.
"So now she's got you appreciating the view? Guy's a nomad, you know. Goes from town to town filming this show. Never stays in one place for more than a couple of days. Home maybe five days outta the year. Thought you were done with that," Tony said.
"It is not just the view, Tony. If you look past the disgusting things he is doing, he actually has a very charming personality," Ziva told him. She could see that it was irritating Tony that she had expressed interest in the television host. She could not resist pushing it just a little further.
"So, that's what you're into, then? An old guy with a charming personality?" Tony asked.
"He is not that old, Tony. Older than you, certainly. He is closer to Gibbs age but Gibbs is still a very attractive man. And from what I understand Mike Rowe is not just the host. He created the show as well so I imagine he is quite wealthy," she added continuing to have a little fun at Tony's expense.
"So now you're a gold digger? You're messing with me," Tony realized.
"And you were falling for it. You really must be tired. Or distracted. I cannot decide which it is," Ziva told him.
"So, if nomadic but charming television hosts are not boyfriend material, then what is?" Tony asked. He tried to sound as if he was teasing but it came out sounding like a serious question.
Curious about his motive for asking, Ziva decided to humor him, "Physical characteristics are not so important as long as there is an attraction. I suppose I do find clean cut, is that right?" At Tony's nod she continued, "Clean cut is more appealing but not necessarily a requirement. The most important thing to me is honesty. I have had enough of deception and games. Honesty and kindness. I want someone who finds it impossible to be intentionally cruel. And they must have a sense of humor. I have had enough sadness in my life. I want someone who makes me laugh. And they must be unselfish. I have to be able to trust their motives. I cannot think of anything else. It is your turn."
"My turn?" Tony said with confusion.
"You should not have asked the question if you did not want to answer it as well. Describe your ideal girlfriend material," Ziva commanded.
Tony looked at her oddly but didn't correct her. "I don't really have a list. Physical attraction definitely has to be there. You gotta have that. No question. And I'm with you on the sense of humor thing. But beyond that I can't really describe it. There's just this quality I want but I can't explain."
"You are avoiding the question. Try to explain it," Ziva insisted.
"It really is hard to explain," at her threatening look, he added, "Okay, you remember the movie Good Will Hunting? The one where Matt Damon plays the messed up kid who's a math genius and Robin Williams is his psychiatrist."
"I do remember watching that movie with you, Tony. I was pleasantly surprised by the depth," Ziva remembered.
At the time, Tony had referred to it as one of "her" movies. They typically traded off between watching the superficial action flicks he preferred and the more meaningful movies she typically liked. It seemed like a lifetime ago that they had watched movies together.
"Well, you remember the scene where the psychiatrist asks the kid who in his life challenges him? The kid tries to say it's the authors of the books he reads but the psychiatrist was talking about a real relationship. He tells him that his friends are like family. They will lay down in traffic for you is the line he uses. He keeps asking who challenges him. Who makes him think? Makes him want to be better than he is? Changes him? That is the best way I can describe what I want. Does that even make sense?"
"Yes, it does. And it is a surprisingly mature outlook for you," she teased.
"Oh, and good in bed. That's top of the list. I can't believe I almost forgot that," Tony said causing Ziva to roll her eyes. "Must be a sign that I need to go home and sleep. Nine-thirty work for breakfast tomorrow?"
When Ziva agreed, Tony finally moved to get his coat and made his way to her door. With a quick good night, he was gone. Ziva sighed. Something was bothering Tony and for once, she had no idea what it was. He'd had the afternoon to think about what she had revealed to him last night. She had been encouraged earlier when he had treated her the same as he always had. Now she was worried that might change.
Tony didn't even attempt to go to bed when he got home. Nor did he turn on the television which was unusual for him. Now that he was alone, he was determined to sort through his conversation with Lucy. She had pushed him into to saying he was ready for a relationship with Ziva but that didn't make it any less true. Being honest about his feelings for Ziva scared the hell out of him but the alternative scared him so much more. If nothing else, this summer had taught him just how painful it was to live without Ziva. He'd come dangerously close to telling her that in Somalia.
Lucy was right, though. Ziva was not ready for a relationship yet. And it wasn't just the sex part although that was likely to be difficult for her. She still had major trust issues to work through. Once again, he knew Lucy was right. He needed to be patient. I just need to make sure I'm the guy who's right there waiting when she is ready and she doesn't even consider anyone else, he thought. I can do this. I can use this time to win her heart.
By eight o'clock Sunday evening Ziva was emotionally and physically exhausted. She seriously contemplated just going to bed despite the early hour. The day had not gone at all as she had expected.
Breakfast with Tony that morning had been surprisingly pleasant. Ziva had prepared herself to confront him if he continued to act as quiet and distant as he had the previous evening. She had even worked out in her head exactly what she would say. As it turned out, there had been no need to say anything. Tony had been energetic and fun and kept her laughing most of the time. He had even invited her to join him watching football with his friends at a sports bar. He'd seemed genuinely disappointed when she told him she already had plans for the afternoon with Abby.
Earlier in the week, Abby had commented that Ziva's social calendar seemed to have gotten a lot busier recently. Every time I talk to you, you're doing something with your neighbor or Tony, Abby had said. Ziva sensed that her friend felt excluded and suggested they have some girl time on Sunday afternoon. Abby had been enthusiastic and had scheduled them for pedicures and facials at her favorite spa. Ziva had never really been to a spa before Abby had invited her for the first time almost four years ago. At the time, she had accepted the invitation in hopes of improving their working relationship. When she learned it was something Abby had often done with Kate, Ziva knew she had made the right choice.
This was the third time she and Abby had gone to a spa since Ziva had been back at NCIS. The first time had been not too long after the Daniel Cryer case. Without asking, Abby had instinctively known to leave a massage off the schedule even though that had been one of Ziva's favorites previously. Until this afternoon, Ziva had never questioned how Abby knew it would be a bad idea. After finishing at the spa, they had gone to a favorite coffee house. The two women were sharing a sinfully chocolate dessert when Abby had approached the subject.
"Ziva, have you ever just known something about a friend and it made you so worried about them but you didn't know how to talk to them about it? It's like you're so scared you'll hurt them but you're also afraid it will be really bad if they don't talk about it."
"What is it that you think you know, Abby?" Ziva had said as her mask quickly fell into place.
"You know how we found Saleem's camp by tracking all that personal stuff he wanted delivered. And we followed the next shipment after the Damocles. Well, the thing is the camp was in the middle of nowhere, right? So most of the stuff made sense except for one thing," Abby told her.
"What was the one thing Abby?" Ziva asked. She had a sinking feeling she knew where this was going.
"Condemns," Abby said quietly. "I read all the reports from after the camp was destroyed and there weren't any other women there. And Dunham's reports all said that they never spotted any of the men in town. That's why it was so hard to locate their camp. And you couldn't watch that video last week. I really want to be wrong, Ziva. Please tell me I'm wrong."
Ziva had wanted desperately to lie but she could not do it. Not when Abby asked her directly like this. "You are not wrong, Abby, but please do not ask me anything else about it."
Abby's stern response had surprised her. "You don't have to talk right now but you will listen to me."
Afraid that disagreeing would lead to Abby causing a scene, Ziva had nodded her assent.
"I'm not an expert but I have been through this with other friends. There was a serial rapist at LSU when I was there. I knew two of the girls who were attacked. One of them kinda fell apart. She got into all this destructive behavior and finally died of a drug overdose. She had never talked about it. Not to anyone. You can't do that, Ziva. It's like poison if you do that. So I just want you to know that you need to talk about it. To somebody. Please, Ziva. Promise me that you will."
"What happened to the other girl, Abby?" Ziva asked quietly.
"She found someone safe to talk to. And it took a long time but she kinda healed, you know? She's married now and has three kids. She lives in Atlanta. I just got a Christmas letter from her. They're like the cutest little family. And she sounds really happy."
They sat there in silence for a long time. Somehow Abby knew to give Ziva time to process everything. Finally, Ziva spoke. "Tony knows. I think he has known for some time but I told him Friday night when he stayed at the hospital with me. We did talk about it a little."
"You know, if you ever want to talk to me, you can. It doesn't matter how bad it was. I can handle it because you're my friend."
"I know, Abby. You are a good friend to me. And I promise I will try to talk about it with someone."
"Okay," Abby said with a small smile which then grew to a mischievous grin. "So, you've been spending a lot of time with Tony. What's up with that?"
It was five o'clock by the time Ziva returned home from her afternoon with Abby. She had been thrilled to find her apartment tastefully decorated for the holidays. The decorations included a miniature tree and a stocking with Ziva's name embroidered on it. Clearly, Lucy had been busy while Ziva was gone for the afternoon. Ziva had immediately gone across the hall to thank her.
"How are you today, dear? Are you feeling better? You've been gone a long time so you must be," Lucy said.
"Yes, I am. My head does not hurt at all. I went to breakfast with Tony before he took me to get my car. And then Abby and I went to a spa this afternoon," Ziva explained and then added, "I wanted to thank you for my decorations. It was a welcome surprise."
"I hope you do not mind that I used the emergency key you gave me for something other than an emergency," Lucy teased.
Lucy was very perceptive. Although Ziva was trying very hard to act normal, Lucy could tell that something wasn't quite right with her friend. "Dear, is everything okay?"
"No, Lucy, it is not but I am not sure I can talk about it. Some very bad things happened to me this summer that I have not yet told you. Abby tried to get me to talk about some of it today."
"Well, why don't I make us some tea and we will sit down and see what happens. You might surprise yourself. Sometimes it is easier to share something with a good friend than it is to hold it all inside."
After making the tea and directing Ziva to her couch, Lucy said softly, "Dear, you know that you can tell me anything."
"I know, Lucy, Abby said the same thing to me. It is just…" Ziva said struggling to explain how she felt.
"You do not wish to burden your friends with the horror of it," Lucy said.
"Yes."
"My dear, did I ever tell you that Matthew and I lost a child?"
"Oh no, Lucy, you did not. I am so sorry," Ziva told her as her heart broke for her friend. Ziva had known grief but never to the degree she had seen in someone who had lost a child. No wonder Lucy had been able to identify so well with everything Ziva had told her about Gibbs.
"Our first baby, Julie, was only four months old. She died in her sleep. Crib death they called it back then. It's got some fancier sounding name now. Most of my friends were young mothers like me. Or they were soon to be. I did not want to burden them. I did not want to make them fear losing their own child so I held my grief inside. I cannot tell you the horror of finding your child dead. Julie was a good baby right from the beginning. She rarely cried and she always woke up happy. I went to her room that morning expecting to find her smiling and laughing as I did every morning. Instead, she was cold and lifeless," Lucy paused for a moment to compose her self.
"Oh, Lucy, I do not know what to say. I have lost many people I loved but to lose a child. I cannot imagine."
"It was devastating and I grieved alone the first few weeks. I even pushed Matthew away. Finally, it was my sister that got me to talk about it. She said watching me suffer in silence was worse than anything I would say. My dear, nothing you tell me can possibly be worse than knowing that you are hurting alone," Lucy pleaded. "Please try to talk to me."
Abby had said her college friend had found a safe place to go. Looking at Lucy's face, Ziva knew she had found a safe place as well. "I have told you that I trusted my father when I should not have. When I did that, he sent me on a suicide mission to assassinate a dangerous terrorist named Saleem Ulman. I was on a team sent to locate and infiltrate his training camp in Somalia. The mission failed and I was captured. I was held prisoner in the camp for over three months before NCIS rescued me. As far as I know, my father did not even attempt to find me."
"Oh, dear, I was afraid it was something like that. Three months is a long time to be at the mercy of such an evil man. I'm amazed that you survived it," Lucy said.
"In Mossad, our missions were often accomplished at great risk. We were trained to endure many things if the mission failed. I did not expect to survive. Now that I have, I am not sure I can…" Ziva stopped as a lone tear began a slow descent down her cheek. "Lucy, terrible things were done to me and I…I participated in some of them just to stay alive."
"You feel degraded and you believe it was your fault. Isn't that right? And you think that I cannot possibly understand the shame you are feeling? Oh my dear, I forget you've never been a parent. Ziva, I thought that I let my own child die. That it was my fault. That if I had just checked on her more that night, it would not have happened. I avoided Matthew for weeks because I thought I was responsible for his grief."
"But Lucy, it was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done. It just happened."
"Just as what happened to you was done to you, my dear. I'm sure whatever you did to stay alive was necessary and most likely forced. None of it is your fault. Some day you will talk about the details but for tonight, I want you to listen to me. There are many people, and I am one of them, who love you and are glad you survived. I'm just sorry that it cost you so much to do it. I promise you this, dear. You will heal and you will get through this. You hold on to that when it gets hard."
After leaving Lucy's apartment, Ziva had decided that whether she slept or not, she was going to bed. She had just changed into her pajamas when she heard a knock at her door. It was Tony. Ziva seriously considered ignoring him but she knew he would not go away.
Opening the door, she said, "Why are you here?"
"You weren't answering your phone. I've been calling for over two hours," Tony told her. His expression revealed he was both irritated and concerned.
"I had my phone on silent while I was talking to Lucy. Do we have a case?"
"No case. Is everything okay? You don't usually ignore your phone when you're with Lucy, do you? That won't go over well with the boss if you miss a call out."
"I suppose everything is alright but it has been a long day," a wearied Ziva replied.
Her answered only heightened Tony's concern. "What happened? I thought you were just hanging out with Abby. Doing the girly spa thing. Is something wrong with Lucy?"
Instead of answering, Ziva turned and walked toward her living room. After shutting and locking the door, Tony quickly followed. Ziva surprised him by sitting close to the center of her couch. Without saying anything, Tony sat right next to her and draped his arm on the cushion behind her. He knew better than to push her further and just waited silently for Ziva to say something.
"Abby knows," Ziva said quietly. "She talked to me because she is worried."
"Knows what?" Tony started to ask before he made the connection. "Oh. Did you tell her or did she figure it out?"
"Much like you, she had reached a conclusion and I confirmed it."
"That bothers you, doesn't it? That we could figure it out. I know what you're thinking but you shouldn't take it that way, Ziva. It's not like you're wearing a sign or something. I mean, you've got acting fine down to an art form. It's just the way the evidence adds up. One woman. Thirty terrorists. Three months. Isolated location. Common sense tells you it wasn't good," Tony explained.
"I suppose you are right. You are trained investigators. I should not be surprised that you could reach the correct conclusion."
"So what did Abby say?" Tony asked.
"She is worried that I will not talk about it. She knew someone who did not and was destroyed by it."
"You told Lucy. That's why you weren't answering the phone."
"I told her some of it, yes. She did not even know about Somalia at all before tonight."
"I'm glad, Ziva. I know it was hard for you but I think it's good that you have someone like her that wasn't part of it, you know?"
"So if there is no case, why were you calling?" Ziva asked.
"I thought you might want to come hang out for the last game after you were finished with the spa thing. Pete was totally drunk and making a complete ass of himself with the waitresses. I figured we could laugh at him together."
"If that is all you wanted why did you drive all the way over here? You could have told me all about it in the morning, Tony."
"I drove over here because you weren't answering your phone."
"That is ridiculous, Tony. I might have been in the shower or sleeping or just let the battery die. I can take care of myself, you know. You do not need to worry so much about me."
"Yea, well, the last time no one could reach you it was because you were being held prisoner in a terrorist training camp. Oh, but first we thought it was because you were dead. And less than forty-eight hours ago you were unconscious for almost twenty minutes. And the doctor made you spend the night in the hospital because he says you've had too many head injuries recently. I think I'm entitled to a little mild paranoia here."
"I suppose from your perspective there might be some legitimate cause for concern," Ziva conceded. "But as you can see, I am fine."
"No kidding. You look especially fine tonight. Were those on sale, too, Princess?" he teased reminding Ziva that she was in her pajamas.
"How do you know I am not a fan of Tinkerbell? I understand that fairy princesses are empowered and do not need a prince to rescue them all the time. They are excellent role models for young girls," Ziva stated. At Tony's look of disbelief, she added, "I read it in a parenting magazine at my doctor's office."
"Was it the only thing available to read or do you have news you're not sharing?"
"What? No, there was a shortage of reading material. And the pajamas were buy one, get one free. Snoopy and Tinkerbell were the only ones left in my size. The weather became cold unexpectedly and I needed to purchase some warmer pajamas quickly. We had to work late and I was stuck shopping at one of those twenty-four hour discount superstores. If I had known you were coming over tonight, I would have worn my camouflage pajamas instead," Ziva told him.
"Ziva, um, just tell me if this is none of my business but you've mentioned the doctor several times lately. Is everything okay? I mean, I guess I didn't think about that part of it but…"
"Tony," Ziva stopped him before softly adding, "I am fine. It was a routine appointment. And I have been tested. Saleem…did not like to share. And he had been in the desert for over a year. That lowered the risk."
"It was just Saleem, then? He was the only who one…" Tony started before Ziva interrupted.
"Only him and one other. And that was only one time. Saleem had him killed when he found out."
That means it was more than once with Saleem, Tony thought to himself before saying, "I'm sorry, Ziva. I shouldn't have gone there. It's been a bad day for you already. A bad weekend, I guess."
"It has not been bad so much as difficult. Although it has been hard, I am glad that you know the truth. And Abby and Lucy as well. It is surprising but I feel freer than I was before. I no longer feel that I must try to hide what happened and that I always have to pretend I am okay when I am not. I did not expect that."
Tony gently lowered his arm to rest on Ziva's shoulders. He was surprised when she not only welcomed the contact but shifted closer to him. They sat that way for several minutes without talking. Finally, Tony broke the silence.
"Ziva, will you please do something for me?"
"What is it you want?"
"Next time you have your phone on silent, will you please check it for messages every hour or so? If you don't want to talk, at least text me that you're okay."
So much for empowerment, Ziva thought. Those fairy princesses obviously never encountered a prince so stubbornly determined to be over protective.
