THE HUNGER GAMES: A PARODY OF THE HUNGER GAMES
By: Myself
Dedicated to: Katniss Everdeen
And Peeta
And Gale
And all those who died
And to you, my readers
And especially to my dead bunny
I miss you Cuddles!
This will only contain random things that will be weird
And it will not make sense
ENJOY!
Well, here we are, the opening ceremonies. It has honestly been so long since I have read the book, I forget what happens =P So, I just made something up. THis is more interesting, and I think Cinna as a creep is an interesting development. And i know, I never put the words Blame Gasoline in the chapter, but it makes sense once you read the chapter. So enjoy, and I don't mean any disrespect to those who lost loved ones in 9/11 or anything related to that.
Chapter 7: Blame Gasoline
OK, so I am really creeped out, because my stylist looks surprisingly like Lenny Kravitz – YIKES! I mean, I just didn't expect someone like him to be Cinna! (Wow, not like anybody feels this in real life ;D) And he has three other little stylist friends with him (AUTHOR'S NOTE: Funny story, I didn't realize they were guys until Mockingjay, so I'm a loser...), who appear to be wearing tattoos and other strange trinkets, etc. I feel like throwing up.
"Hello Katniss," says Cinna, and I know immediately that he's one of those guys who would look inside a girl's window while she's changing.
"Hi," I say, not too sure how to respond to his slightly gravelly voice. I feel like dying, it's so ridiculous. I should not be here. Why am I not dead? I sooo wish I was dead!
"Sup," says Cinna, changing his attitude to that of a gangsta – WORD! (Once again, that horrid word!) "Well, we need to get you to ground zero before we can touch you up." WOAH! Suddenly, I am wondering if this man who calls himself 'Cinna' is a terrorist. Because, even though Ground Zero is no more, it is still remembered in our history books. Not that we have books. Um… Oh dear, I just created a plot hole, or loose thread. Well, we'll just have to leave that one hanging!
"What precisely is ground zero?" I ask, putting on an obviously fake British accent, like I'm a narrator. David Attenoborough? He ain't got SWAG!
"Well, you are such an idiotic ignoramus. You don't even know what ground zero is? Well, I'll explain. It's a commemorative site for the event of the crashing into of the Twin Towers. Stylists? Hats off."
The stylists take their hats off and observed two minutes of silence for those killed in the crashing into of the Twin Towers, all the while I try to find a method of escape. Sadly, none. Cinna smiles with a cheeky grin, like a monkey who has eaten a particularly delicious banana. That's right, I did just say that.
"OK, well, the ground zero we are discussing is the base beauty, nothing more, nothing less. Sort of like when you go to get a cake, instead of it being overdressed or crumbly, it's just a delicious circle of vanilla goodness, with vanilla icing on top. Sure, it might be a carrot cake, but that's OK, because some people actually like carrot cake. Surprise, surprise."
I raise my eyebrows. "WOAH! Didn't see that one coming! So… what now?"
Cinna whistles mockingly. "It's time to get funky! No, I'm just kidding. Not really. You just have to take all your clothes off and expect me to not sexually harass you. Yeah, I know, the author of this story is an idiot." Really Cinna? Are you calling me an idiot? Well, I don't have much of a choice… so I proceed to take off my clothes. You know what, I don't really feel like narrating the next few events… So… Yeah. Well, I know, this is apparently a huge scene where I learn a lot of things and I grow a relationship with Cinna, but really, who wants to read a whole chapter while I'm tout nu? Maybe some perverts, but no. So let's flash forward (that's right, I did parodize Lost!) to the time when we are about to enter for the Opening Ceremonies…
"Katniss! Got any beer?" says Haymitch, pretty drunk. At least he isn't carrying a knife or other firearm, as that would be quite dangerous. But then the head game maker, Plutarch Heavensbee walks up to me and slaps me in the face. And then he walks away. OK, not really, I just wanted to create another loose plot thread. Oh really Peeta? That's rude. Peeta just said–
"I think there're a few loose threads up there…"
Wow, thanks for saying that out loud Peeta. I officially hate you, although I don't know if I do. FORESHADOWING! Oh my goodness, Cinna suddenly walks up to me with a gas can and what looks like heavy machinery.
"Katniss, we want you to make a smashing entrance. Originally, we thought of putting an animatronics hammer on your head smashing that of Peeta, but then we remembered that we don't want him to die – DUH!"
"What the heck are you talking about?" I say, slightly miffed.
Cinna smiles. "We decided to do something even better: create the illusion that you are on fire so that people will remember you as the girl on fire. Not that they'll remember Peeta; you see, he's a noob. So, I just need to sprinkle this cool stuff I found in my closet onto your entire body, so don't worry, not like it's flammable or anything. Don't worry about Peeta, he's going to have these artificial flame-like paper mache flame things, not a chemical. So yeah."
Peeta is over there looking smug, while Cinna drenches me in this liquid fluid thing that smells strangely like gasoline. Now I am really freaked out. Plutarch comes up and says: "District twelvity twelve twelve twelvity twelve twelve over the hills we go!"
Really, he just made a Frosty the Snowman reference. That is not cool. I'm afraid my publisher is going to cancel the novel if nothing of great interest happens. So I tell Cinna to just get on with it and get us in the parade. And suddenly I am fearing for my life. I know, I am not even in the Games yet, but Cinna has taken out a flame thrower, and I am now on fire. We are pushed out of the little room on our carriage into the arena where the spectators suddenly cheer. What, it's not that special, we're just on fire. Well, only me, not Peeta, he's got those awesome fluorescent flame things that are pretty holographic. But I am screaming because I am on fire. And so I start running, but I don't realize that my arm is attached to that of Peeta, so we stumble out of the carriage and tumble on the road – which happens to be a busy intersection in the middle of rush hour.
Just kidding, hahaha, wow, I fooled you pretty bad there. You have to admit, you were fooled by that demonstration of wit. We just fall out, and I jump up and run forward as fast as I can, trying to get to some water. Peeta is following me. No, I am dragging him, more so. Because we are attached, albeit by a little bit of Velcro. I guess I underestimated Velcro a lot, so I won't do that anymore. I will declare it before everyone: VELCRO IS BETTER THAN DUCT TAPE!
…
I shouldn't have said that, all the fans in the arena are now looking at me with a generally disinterested look on their faces. Well, at least I am in some water now, so I'm not on fire. That's good. I am now getting out of the water and – oh my. This is a rather surprising plot twist. It seems that Cinna has fashioned a Mockingjay costume under this so that my clothes would burn off, leaving this. Maybe he isn't such a creep…
No, this outfit is starting to burn off, he probably wanted to see my body again. Oh well, I have to get out of here. Plutarch Heavensbee is buzzing at me to get out, although the crowd loves me. Sweet stuff! Well, I suppose I'll conclude this chapter now. And yes, this is organized into chapters – I KNOW THIS! How? O_o
Well, another chapter come to an end. Next chapter will be the opening ceremonies, which will be sooo much fun! I will give you a hint: the title to the next chapter is: Chapter 8: Twirl Tumble It is going to be making fun of the Katniss twirl signature move, which will be so much fun =D I hope I'll have it up Tuesday or so, depending on how it goes. I am also working on a Harry Potter fan fic parody... so if you like HP, check out soon Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Attempt at making an Interesting Novel. TOODLE-OO!
