AN: Look for the song titles! I'll be super happy if some people catch them! (By the way they're in the second and third paragraph only…)
DC: Last and final warning. No mas.
Enjoy, wonderful reviewers!
How Lovely to be a Mean Green Mother From Outer Space – Closed For Telephone Hour – Kids/Dentist
Voldemort was feeling rather blue. The Emperor's New Groove: The Musical wasn't pulling through like he expected it would. There were a few issues with the cast… specifically, Ted had been diagnosed with lung cancer, and now Lucius seemed to be buckling under the pressure of playing nearly the entire cast.
And Snape… that man was impossible, always whining about rabies, and bodily harm, and flesh wounds. Dear Satan… The Dark Lord shook his head exasperatedly. That man needed to put on a happy face. It wasn't as though he lived on Skid Row. Sure, they'd all like to live someplace green, but at least he wasn't an English teacher.
What did I ever see it him? Voldemort wondered sadly.
Then it hit him. He raced into rehearsal.
"How many of you know how to swing dance?"
Everyone stopped what they were doing and raised their hands. The were theatre people, after all.
"Excellent!" he crowed. "New play!"
The cast and crew erupted in groans. From the stage, Lucius looked up irritably from Ted's now consciences form.
"But I just revived him!" The Death Eater complained, motioning to the llama, who was reaching for his lighter.
"Sorry!" The Dark Lord quipped. "But you guys seem pretty down, and I know that one sure fire thing to cheer people up is swing dancing!"
Snape moaned. "Isn't swing dancing a painful thing to force people to do?"
Voldemort chortled. "Minion, minion, minion… Silly, swing dancing is fun! Which is why I've picked two musicals that involve lots of it!"
"Two?!" The thespians demanded.
"Combined." The Dark Lord admitted. "It's called Bye Bye Shop of Horrors!"
Good musical theatre turned in its grave.
The cast and crew stared at their psychotic director with dead, disbelieving eyes, and slack jaws.
"We're doing Bye Bye Birdie and Little Shop of Horrors? Together?" Someone asked.
Confirmation came when Voldemort flounced off humming a song that sounded like "Suddenly Seymour" and "One Boy" crudely merged.
How Lovely to be a Mean Green Mother From Outer Space – Closed For Telephone Hour – Kids/Dentist
"Kim, get onstage, Orin, get off!"
"Er…" someone said. "Kim and Seymour are both being played by Lucius."
"Oh…" Voldemort tapped his chin. "That could be a problem… Minion?"
Snape bounded up, hoping that the Dark Lord might see a spark of talent in him, and cast him once more…
"Yes, sir?"
"Find a wig for Lucius, will you?"
The Death Eater and the Soy-Reincarnation Faster both performed double takes in perfect unity.
"You really suck at taking hints, don't you?" Lucius managed at last.
The comment flew right over Voldemort's head, as he waved Snape off into the costume storage.
How Lovely to be a Mean Green Mother From Outer Space – Closed For Telephone Hour – Kids/Dentist
It was later found how deep Lucius could sing. The answer was not very deep at all.
"Are you a tenor or an alto?" Voldemort asked with frank innocence after the attempt to do 'Feed Me' failed.
Lucius grit his teeth. "Tenor."
"Mmm… if I could read notes, I would transpose the music for you, but…" Voldemort shrugged. "Better work on that testosterone!"
"Can't you just magic in a deadly, man-eating plant?" Lucius pleaded, ignoring Snape's screams of horror at the thought of taming it.
"Hm, good idea, Lucius." The Dark Lord nodded appreciatively. "Where do you get such great ideas?"
"TV Land."
"I'll have to remember that… anyways, one deadly, man-eating plant coming up!" Voldemort waved his wand, and a huge, Venus-fly trapper appeared. Everyone cringed, waiting to see what it would do.
… Nothing. The rehearsal continued.
How Lovely to be a Mean Green Mother From Outer Space – Closed For Telephone Hour – Kids/Dentist
That night, for not apparent reason, Snape crept through the theatre.
"Hey… kid!" The plant from the stage whispered.
"You… you can talk?" Snape stuttered.
"Of course I can talk."
"English?"
"What am I speaking right now? Braille?"
"… I thought I might have suddenly become bilingual…"
The plant twitched a little. Why did he get stuck with the wishful one…
"That's not the point, kid." The plant quickly covered up. "I've got a favor to ask you. I need some blood."
"Okay, no problem, I think Edward Cullen knows where to get some-"
"Human blood. Like, say, the guy who's been abusing your crush."
Snape gasped. "You're right. That guy deserves to die! I can't believe how he's been treating-" He paused.
"Wait a minute…" Snape narrowed his eyes. "I don't have a crush."
"Really? Damn." The plant cursed.
They stood there a minute.
"Well…" the plant tried again, "Anything you devote your life to? Any passion?"
Snape racked his brains. Hmmm… Randomly he remembered he needed to turn in that article for The Monthly Brew, and sign up for the Asian Tea convention.
"Nope." The Soy-Reincarnation Faster said brightly. "Nothing comes to mind!"
"#, kid, how 'bout this:" the plant was getting irritated, "you kill some people, I score you some money, fame, whatever, and then you let me take over the world. Sound good?"
"Throw in an unlimited stash of Belgium Cream in their novelty tins, and it's a deal."
The plant cackled.
Suddenly, and without warning or explanation, a herd of teenagers from the late 1950's came partying through, led by Conrad Birdie, who was singing.
As they cleared out, it became apparent that only Snape, master of surviving fatal situations, was still alive. The plant looked as though a saber-tooth tiger had used it as it's scratching post, eaten it, then puked it back up. As cats do.
Despite Snape being apparently immortal, he still lay on the stage, groaning slightly, and definitely bleeding until Voldemort came downstairs from his flat.
"Damnit!" The Dark Lord swore when he saw the destroyed prop.
"We can get a new one…" Snape suggested. "Maybe a puppet…" That I can operate!
"No, the musical was corny anyways. Next one!"
As the cast and crew filtered in, there was a unanimous, ongoing groan.
How Lovely to be a Mean Green Mother From Outer Space – Closed For Telephone Hour – Kids/Dentist
AN: Wow… that turned out better in my opinion than I expected… Anyways, I'm sorry I don't have a question! I've pretty much set the plot, so questions aren't needed… but I'll try to work them in more. Also, if you find the lines from the songs, please message me to ask about the answers, incase some people don't want the temptation of it being spoiled… if they even care… XD
