In which Sir Gwaine cautions the King about his growing collection of garden gnomes, Sir K is an ass, Sir Leon takes his shirt off and Merlin just takes off.
...
It took Gwaine a while to figure out that the problem with his boots was Merlin's doing, but in his defense, it didn't take him thatlong.
But even that his boots kept slipping off his feet when he was walking, and sticking in his stirrups when he was riding couldn't ruin the thrill of the hunt. K was hilarious, and Arthur was even in an tolerable mood, and if Merlin and Leon were sulking in the back, well, that was their problem. It may even save him from getting Merlin back for the shoe thing—of course, little devil, he couldn't do anything here, now, without causing any trouble. He could imagine it:
"Gwaine, why are you holding Merlin by his ankles upside-down over a stream?"
"He magicked my shoes bigger!"
Yeah, that would go over well. Even if they believed him—which they wouldn't, they would laugh at him and say he shouldn't joke about such a thing—and even if they did, well that would just get Merlin in trouble. Or, you know, dead.
And Gwaine didn't want Merlin dead, he just wanted him to, you know, suffer a little bit.
So he waited.
Until then, he could deal with the shoe problem. It would be worth it. And anyway, things were going great. They'd got a few pheasants, a boar, and spotted a hart, even, though so far it had eluded them. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, glinting off something suspicious in the brush—
"Look, another gnome! Bring it here, Leon, let's have a look at it!" Arthur cried, like a giddy child at Christmas. An intolerably stupid, giddy child.
"I'm not so sure that's a good idea," Gwaine said, realizing as he stepped toward Leon and the gnome that he'd quite left one of his boots stuck in his stirrup, but he ignored this small problem in favor of the bigger one: "I think we should leave it."
"What? Why?" Arthur wondered, like he believed Gwaine was stupid. "And what on earth is wrong with your shoes? Did you accidentally put on Percival's boots this morning?"
The knights laughed, and before Gwaine could reply, Percival pointed and laughed. "Look at him! He's got tiny little hooves for feet! Comedy!" Elyan laughed loudly, and, so encouraged, Percival continued: "You know what they say about men with small feet…"
Gwaine's voice broke through the sophomoric laughter. He knew how to deal with Percy:
"No, Perce, what do they say?" he prompted suggestively, and, sure enough, Percival blushed bright red to his ears at even the thought of having to say the word "penis." Or "sock" or whatever the punchline to that stupid joke was.
Gwaine whipped his head around, hair flicking dramatically. "Leon, don't touch that…thing!"
Arthur had now hopped off his horse and picked the gnome up. "Cor, look! This one has a tiny shovel!"
"Arthur…" Gwaine growled, but Arthur wasn't listening, and Gwaine imagined that the conversation he wanted to have would go over about as well as an accusation about Merlin doing magic:
"These little buggers come to life when you're not looking and eat your eyes out!"
"It's made of stone, Gwaine, what are you talking about?"
"No—look—it's only stone when you're looking at it-I know it makes no sense, but it's true—"
"Oh, never mind!" Gwaine finally huffed, wrenching his boot from his stirrup and slipping it—too easily—on his foot. Behind him, Studly was just beginning to get frisky when Gwaine remembered to grab his reins, petting the titanic horse's nose and cussing softly at him to calm him. "It's just not my bloody day, is it, Stud?"
"What was all that about?" Leon had stepped up behind him, actually looking concerned, bless him.
"Oh, nothing," Gwaine sighed. "Just if Arthur wakes up dead don't come crying to me!"
"Dead? Gwaine, is the King in danger?"
"No. Yes. Maybe."
"You seemed worried about—" Leon grinned widely, "about the gnome statue—"
"It's not a statue."
Leon's grin faded. "What?"
"It's…" Gwaine sighed. "You won't believe me," he said, turning back to his horse to negotiate how he was going to wrest himself up there without losing his shoes and wondering if the hand-in-warm-water trick was punishment enough for Merlin…
Leon grabbed his elbow, turning him about. "I promise you I will try."
He just looked so bloody sincere. It was refreshing, really. Gwaine shrugged, trying not to show how pleased Leon's trust actually made him. "These may just be simple statues. But if they're anything like the gnomes I saw in Saxony…well, they're not statues. They turn into statues when you're looking at them, but when you look away, they come to life…"
"That seems a little far-fetched, Gwaine." Leon was clearly trying not to grin, and even though he was making a valiant effort, that was where Gwaine's patience ran out. The foul mood returned, and he was pretty sure the little gnomey buggers could eat the lot of them before Gwaine would care right now. So he flashed Leon a condescending grin before turning back to his steed:
"Oh, I'm not worried," Gwaine said. "They only have a taste for noble blood, see, so I'm safe!"
"Wait—they eatpeople?" Leon cried, as Gwaine pulled himself up into the saddle.
"Yup. Something about revenge of the forest—hunting their lands, cutting down trees—you know. That's at least what I heard. Come on, now, Leon, don't want to be left behind now, do we?" he said, and more letting Studly have free reign than urging him on, Gwaine tore off into the forest.
…
"Revenge of the—what?"
But Gwaine was already thundering off. Leon sighed, mounted and rode off after Gwaine. He found him taking up position, waiting for Arthur to flush another deer towards them. Sir K, Merlin and Percival were spaced out equidistantly along the same line. Leon joined Gwaine at his position.
"Gwaine—when you say 'revenge of the forest'—I mean, that's just a peasant's legend, isn't it? That's why they put those gnomes in their gardens."
Gwaine shrugged. "Maybe. Maybe not. I hear that they're supposed to protect crops from being pillaged by wandering knights."
"Where did you hear about this?"
He gave Leon a sidelong glance. "I told you travel broadens the mind."
"I believe you," Leon said, who had never been outside of Albion in his life. He sat back in his saddle, and happened to glance down the line of knights and servants waiting for Arthur to arrive. They all looked pretty bored, except for Sir K. He seemed to be having loads of fun making his horse go in circles—wasn't that the horse Merlin usually rode? Diablo?
"So, do we tell Arthur?" Gwaine asked, but Leon wasn't paying attention. K had started hauling on Diablo's reins while he was clearly raking his spurs along the horse's sides. Didn't he know that was just going to make the horse rear up?
Leon caught Merlin's eye, who was watching K from his position about ten yards away farther down, looking like a kicked puppy. It was obvious that he was all too aware that K was being a bloody idiot to the horse, and it seemed to be upsetting him a great deal. But servants weren't allowed to speak up about that sort of thing. If a knight or any noble wanted to be an ass , it was no servant's place to say anything against it.
It was another noble's place, though.
"Leon?" Gwaine said. "Something up?"
"Hang on a minute," Leon said, and promptly rode over to K. But K was too busy struggling with the horse to notice him. "K, what are you doing?" he asked, trying to be polite and tactful as he lowered his voice.
"I'm trying to get it to rear," K growled with no little annoyance. "If I can get this lump of a beast into the air just as the deer comes it'll go right back into Arthur's path and we'll get a straight shot at it."
"You should never force a horse to rear," Leon said, hoping beyond all hope that K seriously did not know this fundamental concept.
K raised an eyebrow, looking at Leon as if he just told him that horses could speak English as well. "Really?" He flicked the reins as he wrapped them around his hands, causing Diablo to snort and paw at the ground in distress.
Come on, Leon, stand firm, he thought to himself. Don't let him bully you…"I think you're hurting its mouth by doing that," he said. "Could you let the reins hang a bit looser?"
K cocked his head, and Leon felt himself balking under K's gaze. "Leon, I appreciate your concern, but I think I know what I'm doing." He pulled hard on the reins again. Merlin looked so upset that he was about to jump out of his saddle.
Leon reached out and grabbed Diablo's reins.
K, who had expected the horse to go back instead of down, pitched forward. He looked at Leon with astonishment, as if Leon's actions were completely uncalled-for. "Leon!" he said, eyebrows raised. "Are you trying to boss me?"
"Killhwch, please," Leon said, trying to keep his nerve in the face of that K's awful grin and hoping that he didn't look as scared as he felt. He tried to stop K from doing something before, but K always served his revenge hot. They were grown men now, though. They weren't kids anymore. "We aren't kids anymore," he said, just in case K had missed this important fact. "Just—leave off it, alright?"
But Leon didn't even get half a second to hope that K would actually listen to him, because almost before he finished speaking K gave him a shove.
Leon scrambled to stay seated, and Diablo squealed as K dug the spurs into his sides and yanked back on the reins, finally forcing the horse into the air at just the right moment to fully unhorse him. Leon fell, hard and with a resounding crunch, into a large thorn bush.
"Whoa!" K said dramatically over Leon's yelp, managing to force Diablo back down again just as Gwaine, Merlin and Elyan rushed forward.
"Sorry, I really don't know what came over the horse," K said. "It must have knocked him out of the saddle!"
"Leon, are you alright?" Merlin said, looking concerned.
Leon groaned, blinking back stars.
"Oi! You let the deer get away! What happened?" It was Arthur, who finally arrived and dismounted.
"Sorry, Arthur," K said anxiously as he wrung his hands together. The display was enough to make Leon sick—thankfully, his expression was lost among the winces of pain. "The horse went mad! Leon was trying to help, bless him….Awfully sorry, Leon," he said, turning on Leon with that devilish glint in his eye. "Here, let me help you up!"
But Leon didn't exactly feel like getting out of the thorn bush, which, he knew full well, would only cause more thorns to pierce his armorless body. "I'm fine," he grunted.
"Are you sure?" K said, reaching down. "Here, I'll help you out—"
"No, don't—!"
But K had already grabbed him by the front of his shirt and pulled, dragging Leon forcibly through the thorn bush. Since K was far too scrawny to actually pull Leon out the whole way, and Leon was desperately fighting him the whole way, K more rolled him out of the bush than lifted.
"Alright, there, Leon?" Arthur said as Leon slowly straightened. "It's lucky that bush was there to—er—cushion your fall."
Leon said nothing. He wondered if the fall hadn't knocked a few of his ribs the wrong way. He rolled his shoulder to work out the pain, and winced.
"You know better than to grab another man's horse like that!" Arthur continued. He sighed. "Well, get mounted, I suppose we're finished for the day…"
"I'm alright, sire," Leon said, brushing off his trousers. "You go on with the hunting, I'll catch up."
"You sure?" But it didn't seem that Arthur needed much convincing to continue the hunt. He nodded and jumped back on his horse.
"Hope you'll be joining us again soon, Leon," K said, and patted Leon on the shoulder (embedding a few thorns even deeper into his skin) before he too remounted and to follow Arthur after the deer.
…
Gwaine was pretty sure he saw more of what had just transpired than Arthur or the others, mainly because he was, as was his habit, watching Merlin and Leon (which, yeah, yeah, whatever, so maybe he had a small protective streak, and which Kilhwch had maybe just rubbed the wrong way). Whatever had happened, it made Leon and Merlin frown and squirm and look not at all pleased.
And since Diablo and Llamrei were well-behaved horses...the only other variable was Sir K.
"What the hell was that?" Gwaine hissed, riding up next to K.
Kilhwch was the picture of guilt. And grinning widely. Damn him, if Gwaine didn't admire the man even now. He didn't even try denying it:
"Oh, I wasn't hurting the dumb beast," he laughed.
"I wasn't talking about the horse," Gwaine corrected, though he petted Diablo's nose soothingly, making a mental note to check his mouth later when he could get a good look at it.
"Neither was I!" K laughed.
And it was funny. And Gwaine was cheap. So he laughed, too.
"Seriously, man, just lay off. Leon doesn't need any help looking awkward, and Merlin gets enough stress from Arthur. Help me out, here."
"For you, Sir Gwaine, of course," K said, genuinely as far as Gwaine could tell. "After all I was only trying to get Leon to toughen up a little and—well, look what's going on over there!"
Gwaine turned to where K pointed:
"He's got his shirt off!" he yelped, trying not to bellow.
"Yes."
"And Elaine's there, helping him!"
"Yes."
"And...I think we should leave!" Suddenly Gwaine grabbed K's arm and guided both their horses away after Arthur and the others, who had moved on, in order to leave the two love-birds alone. K was laughing as Leon and Elaine disappeared behind them. "Why didn't I think of that? And you're right, Leon could use some toughening up. You really didknow what you were doing, didn't you, K?" Gwaine grinned, clapping the other knight on the back.
"Sir Gwaine, I always know what I'm doing."
