Bet you guys thought I forgot about this. I'm strongly considering continuing the story after this chapter, it would be post-party from chapter one and follow the same format. Let me know what you guys think, of course. Thanks for sticking in there with me. I know this is pretty far from the Victorious world we know.
Time moved slowly when Vega refused to speak to me. I guess I didn't know what I had been expecting when I thought about the repercussions of our actions. Most likely because the thought of us getting caught never once crossed my mind.
I'm a heartless bitch, I know. But that doesn't make any of this easier.
When Andre first announced the news of mine and Tori's affair, I was honestly worried about the reactions our friends would have. Robbie looked at me in mild disbelief, though I had a feeling he knew that something serious had been going on between the two of us since that party at Vega's. He told me that I was clearly beating myself up over it, and that him judging me would do little help at all.
After the evaluation, the doctor requested that Cat get psychiatric therapy, which her parents instantly agreed to. The withdrawal stage was ugly, and I was doing my best to offer my services, but Vega had me beat every time. I couldn't blame her. She needed Cat just as much as Cat needed someone. Obviously, the news broke while Cat was still recovering, so her response was hardly a reliable way to interpret what she thought about the situation. I spent one night at her place to keep her company and all she said she just wanted everyone to be happy before passing out.
If only it were that easy, Cat.
I had been trying so hard to stay strong, to keep up the promise I had made with Tori the night everything went to shit. The urge came back stronger than ever and it almost felt like my skin was itching for release. I couldn't even get Tori to look me in the eye at that point. I felt utterly hopeless and crushed at the same time. I lost all faith that Tori and I would ever be able to mend what had been shattered one night when I had received a text from Tori. One simple sentence had the power to turn my entire world on its head:
I want you to stay away from me.
My eyes scanned over the message at least fifteen times before I really comprehended what I was reading. Panic engulfed me as I dropped my phone on my desk where I had been seated. I lost her. Fuck, she wasn't even mine to have in the first place.
I found myself moving on autopilot as I walked into my bathroom and shut the door. I rested my hands on the sink in front of me as the tears fell freely and my body was wracked with my own pathetic sobs.
Frantically wiping at the tears on my cheeks, I looked into the mirror and saw the transformation happen: the breaking of my walls as I crumbled into the girl I swore I would never be and did the one thing I swore I would never do. The tears stopped falling as I focused on the burning pain on my side.
I stood there in a sports bra and running shorts and looked at who I was. Who I had become yet again. My eyes fixed themselves on the red, irritated skin on my ribcage where seven neat lines speckled with blood stared back at me. Taunted me.
I stood under the spray of the shower for over half an hour as guilt consumed me. I never felt guilt for it until Beck made me make that promise. It happened once after that. And then I made that promise to Vega. Another promise broken.
Then again, I had high doubts she was keeping her end of the promise. She was getting worse, and there had been nothing I could do to stop it.
It killed me to see Vega internalizing everything she was struggling with. Anger brewed in my gut whenever Andre would make a snide comment, which was frequently. Since their break up, he did a very good job at vocalizing what had happened between Tori and I. Despite my ignorance to his remarks and Vega's permanent tear-stained face, Andre kept up with his behavior, until the day someone else stood up to him.
"I'm assigning pairs for your romance scenes!" Sikowitz bellowed from the front of the classroom, his excitement for the project practically oozing off of his balding head.
It had been the day after I cracked, and I sat with a cloud of guilt lingering over my head, paranoid that Beck or Tori could sense what I had done to myself, as ridiculous as that sounds. I had been seated in between Beck and Robbie while Tori sat a few rows over next to Cat. Andre had been seated a few rows over on my other side, slouched in his chair with his arms crossed over his chest and a nasty look on his face.
"Might as well pair Jade and Tori up. They'll probably do it behind our backs anyway." Andre chirped in. I rolled my eyes, though my gaze instantly gravitated towards my 'partner in crime'. I watched as she hung her shaking head in a tired fashion. She looked awful. Gaunt and pale, she was lacking that glow she always had about her.
It was breaking my heart.
"Could you fucking let it go, man?"
Fifteen pairs of surprised eyes moved to Robbie seated on the opposite side of the room from Andre.
"What did you say?" Andre said, obviously trying to be intimidating. He failed, in my opinion.
"It happened. Yeah, it fucking sucks, and I feel you, but you're forgetting that you aren't the only person that's been hurting. I think you've punished them enough with your verbal assault every chance you can get." Robbie said, his voice strong and firm. Vega and I shared our first meaningful glance in days, mutually appreciating Robbie's courage.
"No offense, Robbie, but you don't know what I'm feeling. This isn't like separation anxiety from your fucking puppet." Andre spat at him. I watched as Robbie's face reddened as his knuckles turned white from clenching his fists.
I placed a comforting hand on his knee and when he finally tore his eyes away from Andre and rested them on me, I shook my head slightly. I watched as he let out a breath and tried to calm himself.
"Well, isn't that sweet. You fucking him too, Jade? Sick of pussy already?" Andre egged me on.
My jaw was set as I stared him down. I was going to hit my breaking point soon, that much was obvious. I glanced in Sikowtiz's direction as he stood, gobsmacked that we were talking this way to each other. Most of our conversation moved so quickly, he hardly would have had a chance to intervene if he could have.
"Real fucking clever, Andre. Got any more lesbian jokes to share? You're on a roll, after all." I droned on in a bored voice.
This ruffled Andre's feathers as he huffed and sat up in his chair, "The only joke here is the thought of the two of you being an actual couple." Andre said with a laugh and a satisfied smirk. My eyes narrowed as I looked at him, intrigued.
"Do explain."
Andre gave me a look that told me I had walked right into his trap, "The two most fucked up girls at Hollywood Arts: the goth," he said looking at me before directing his attention to Tori, who had been trying to curl up into herself the entire time, "and the anorexic."
"Fuck this." I said as I jumped up and lunged at him. I was too quick for either Beck or Robbie to try holding me back. My fist made contact with Andre's face once before a pair of sturdy arms wrapped around my waist and pulled me back.
"Jade, stop." Beck's soothing voice said close to my ear.
"Fuck off." I said as I struggled to break free. When Beck put a good bit of distance between Andre and myself, his hold on my slacked. He stayed standing between us just in case.
It was probably more than necessary.
"The only joke here is you, Andre. How fucking dare you joke about something like that? You insensitive, misanthropic son of a bitch." I yelled at him, losing all patience. Andre looked unfazed by my words until I decided to add something on, "You couldn't even see what a great thing you had until it was slipping away from you. Fuck, you practically pushed her away." I said, my emotions getting the better of me as my voice wavered.
Andre laughed loudly as he looked at me incredulously, "What? You think she was going to leave me for you? You two clearly aren't together, so tell me how that theory is panning out for you."
"If she had been happy, she wouldn't have needed to be with me at all." I growled back at him. I hated that all of this was coming out in a very public setting. None of this was anyone's business, but Andre fired me up and there was very little that could stop me.
Andre's smirk never left his face despite the small river of blood trickling from where my ring made contact with his lip, "You're awfully quiet over there, Tor." He said in a sickeningly sweet voice as he looked over my shoulder to where Vega sat.
"Leave her be." I warned in a low voice.
"No fucking way, Jade. Tell me, Tori, tell me how great of a fuck Jade was, how you kept going back while you were telling me you loved me." He snarled at her, taking a step closer. Before I could do anything, Beck intervened and pushed Andre back gently.
"Dude. Leave them alone, okay?" Beck tried to diffuse the situation in his nice guy way.
"How are you okay with this?" Andre asked Beck in frustration as he pointed in our direction.
"I'm not," Beck declared quickly in a loud, "but being pissed over it doesn't fix anything. It isn't going to make Tori love you again, and it isn't going to change the past." Beck said, and I felt my heart clench knowing how badly this whole situation honestly hurt him. We had talked after Cat's hospitalization that neither of us really wanted to end our friendship, and that the best we could do was leave the past behind us. I admired his strength.
Andre laughed cynically, "All right, you fucking fortune cookie, why don't you enlighten me and tell me how you felt when you found out. Did you walk in on her in bed with another girl?" Andre asked.
Beck's head hung slightly and he shook his head, "No."
"Exactly. Go ahead and try to fucking tell me you stayed as cool as you always are." He said in a condescending voice.
I saw Beck's body stiffen and I really hoped he would be the bigger man and just brush off the way Andre was egging him on, "I was cheating, too." Beck said loudly. Andre looked shocked before shaking his head in disbelief.
"You're airing out a lot of dirty laundry here, Andre." I said in a warning voice.
Andre shrugged in defeat, "What fucking difference does it make? I've lost everything. You made sure of that." Andre said, directing his anger at me again.
"Would you just stop?" A frantic voice pleaded, pulling our attention away from each other and to a crying Vega. All the anger that had previously been coursing through my veins froze as I saw how vulnerable and broken Tori looked in that moment.
"Tor..." I started to say, my voice hardly above a whisper.
She looked at me with bleary eyes before shaking her head and fleeing from the room.
"Shit." I said under my breath as I shared a worried look with Robbie. I made a move to follow her, but stopped when Andre started talking again.
"When are you going to get it?" Andre asked, directing my attention back to him.
"Get what?" I asked in a tired voice.
"She doesn't fucking want you. She's not like you. She's not a dyke like you." Andre spat at me.
I looked at Andre and for the first time felt my defenses crack. I took a deep breath but before I could even say anything, Sikowitz erupted.
"Andre! Good Ghandi, get the hell out of my classroom!" He shouted, displaying his anger with the whole situation.
"Oh are you fu-"
"Don't finish that sentence." Sikowitz warned. I was taken aback by this side of Sikowitz that I don't think any of us had ever seen. Andre stared at him in silence and he reiterated his order, "Get. Out. Matter of fact, head down to the principal's office. I'm honestly quite tired of the way you've treated them in the last few minutes, I don't even have to imagine the things you've said out of ear shot."
Andre waited a beat before snatching his bag from his chair and storming out of the room. I prayed that Vega hid herself in the girls' bathroom so they wouldn't run into each other.
"I'm gonna go find her." I said as I turned to the door.
"No, you aren't." Sikowitz said.
"Like fuck I'm not." I responded so quickly I hadn't realized I had just cursed at a teacher.
"Jade. For once in your life just do what you're told." Sikowitz instructed, sounding exhausted, "Beck, go find her and make sure she's okay."
Beck looked shocked at his given order. He glanced around before asking in an uncomfortable voice, "But what if...what if she's in the bathroom?"
Sikowitz looked at him as if what he had asked was a stupid question, "Then politely knock before entering." He answered before shooing Beck out the door.
The classroom was silent once Beck left. I slumped down into my chair and watched as Sikowitz hunkered down onto the floor with his head in his hand. Suddenly Beck's empty seat was occupied by Cat as she reached out and took my hand in a comforting manner.
"I'm fine. I'm fine." I said quietly as I shook my head, trying my damnedest to regain my composure.
"Liar." Cat whispered as she rested her head on my shoulder.
I laughed and shook my head at the irony of Cat calling me out on my lies when I couldn't call her out on hers months prior.
A few minutes passed and I got the feeling Sikowitz hadn't been up for teaching after what he had just witnessed. I was about to speak when the door opened and my head snapped to see who it was.
"She wants you." Beck said, looking directly at me. His eyes looked hollow and I watched as his left nostril flared when he took a deep breath. That was a tick of his. He was trying not to cry.
I stood from my seat and walked over to him slowly, "Where is she?" I asked quietly.
"Janitor's closet." He answered. I nodded my head and moved to go when he stopped me by saying my name.
"What is it?" I asked.
"I'm sorry." He said simply.
"What could you possibly have to apologize for?" I asked, the faintest hint of amusement in my voice.
He shrugged, "No one deserves to be treated the way you and Tori have been lately. It took us too long to say something."
I shook my head, "It's okay, Beck. I get it." I said before giving him a sad smile and leaving the classroom. I walked with shaking legs to the janitor's closet. My palms had grown sweaty and my throat was dry as I stood in front of the door. I opened in slowly as saw Vega sitting on the floor against the wall with her knees pressed to her chest.
"Hey." I said softly as I entered the small room and closed the door behind me.
Vega said nothing, and instead stared straight ahead with a vacant look in her eyes. I took a seat in the space next to her and copied her position.
"Tori-"
"Do you really love me?" She asked, cutting off any thought I had started.
I stared at her with wide eyes for a moment before collecting my thoughts, "You know I do."
Her eyes bored into mine with such intensity that I almost shrunk away. Until she closed the distance between us and claimed my lips in a desperate kiss. Her lips moved against mine and I could feel the tears falling from her closed eyes and onto her cheeks, which would trickle onto mine. The kisses were growing in intensity and she pressed me back into the wall, her hand moving to my side underneath my breast as she tried to steady herself on my lap. Her hand made contact with the healing, hidden wounds. I couldn't swallow the hiss that escaped my lips and the way my body instinctively moved away from her touch.
Her assault on my mouth stopped as she pulled back and looked at me through teary eyes. She knew what I did.
"Jade..." She said softly.
I avoided her gaze as I shook my head, "Don't, Tori."
Her hand that I had missed being able to hold so badly slipped underneath the fabric of the olive green colored long-sleeved top I had been wearing and soon was gently pressing against the heated skin. The sob that escaped her lips caused me to finally look up at her.
Part of me wanted to be angry with her. Angry that she thought she could feel anything about me after the way she shut me out. Part of me wanted to break down and cry, finally letting go of all the pent up emotions that were waging a war inside of me. Part of me just wanted to run.
Instead, I looked at her eyes and bit my lip, "I couldn't do it anymore." I whispered.
Tori claimed my lips in a heated kiss before pulling me up to my feet and pressing me against the wall. Her hands slipped my top up and over my head before I could protest, and soon hers followed. She unleashed a flurry of kisses on my torso, lingering over the new wounds. I looked down at her to see tears falling freely down her cheeks. Unable to handle the vulnerability, I closed my eyes and rested my head against the wall. The softness of her lips on my tender skin caused me to let out a small gasp as my eyes opened again.
In the beginning, I hated the way she treated my scars. She'd feather kisses against them as she'd tell me how beautiful I was, regardless of the lines that marred my flesh. But in that moment, the intimacy and pain mingling together to create a dangerous combination caused me to finally break down. I pulled her back to my height and kissed her roughly as I switched our positions and pinned her against the door as tears streamed down my face.
I slid down her body, taking her jeans with me as I went. Her underwear soon followed as I positioned myself between her legs. Her entire body quaked as my hands slid down the concave stomach and over the protruding hip bones. I gently kissed below her belly button before continuing my main purpose. Her hands tangled in my hair almost instantly as I began and her whimpers filled the air around us.
It didn't take long at all until her body stiffened under my mouth and relaxed. She was still shaking as I slowly kissed a trail back up to her lips. I held her face delicately in my hands as I kissed her gently.
"I love you." I whispered, my voice cracking at the end.
Tori smiled sadly as she nodded her head. I sensed that something was off, something in her eyes wasn't right.
"What's wrong?" I asked, feeling my vulnerability bleed out.
Tori shook her head and pushed me away before gathering up her clothes and dressing again. She handed me my top and I looked at her, confused.
"Tori, what is it?" I asked as I tried to get her to look at me.
"Everything is fucked." She said, tears threatening to spill out from her eyes.
"We can fix it." I whispered as I reached out for her again.
She pulled back and shook her head. She stood at the door with her hand clasping the handle as she looked at me with such terrible sadness in her eyes, "Some things aren't meant to be fixed, Jade."
"Tori, don't say that." I said, panic shaking my words.
Tori sighed and released her hold on the doorknob, closing the distance between the two of us and placing a kiss on the side of my mouth, "I'm sorry, Jade. We'd destroy each other." She said before leaving me standing alone in the janitor's closet.
She thinks we'd destroy each other, but she can't see the fact that we're already doing a damn good job at destroying ourselves.
I swear that I'm usually not so anti-Andre! It's just coming out that way with this plot. Again, thanks for reading and hanging in there with me. If you guys want me to continue it, I surely will! Until next time.
