This is a bit random. Okay, more than a bit. But come on, look at the title! Remember a few chapters back, when Zuko wanted to know if Toph's plan involved cactus juice? Here's why! (Oh shoot. Belated spoiler alert.)

78: Drunk

Zuko stood in the background, watching the scene play out in front of him.

"Sokka, I told you. Aang and I are going to try and stop the uprisings. You need to stay here in case Zuko needs you for something else. We'll be travelling on foot, so you'll have to look after Appa as well." Katara was trying to gently explain to her brother why he wasn't allowed to go with them. In truth, Zuko had assigned them the easy task so Aang would have a chance to get away from the responsibilities of being Avatar. Zuko planned to take his own vacation soon, but first he had to see Katara and Aang off.

"But Katara, nothing fun ever happens here!" Sokka whined.

"Yeah!" put in Toph. "You guys are so lucky."

Katara sighed. "Sokka, we're going now. I'll see you when we get back."

With that, Katara and Aang practically bolted down the road. Sokka and Toph made no effort to stop them; they both knew it would be fruitless.

"You know," Sokka complained, "When we were travelling around the world, we had a whole bunch of crazy adventures!"

Toph snickered. "Yeah. Like when you got drunk on cactus juice."

Sokka's eyes lit up deviously, and he pulled Toph into a huddle. Zuko couldn't hear what they were saying, but he knew it couldn't be good. When Sokka and Toph got that look in their eyes, there was no stopping them. It was best to just stay out of their way.

Clearly, Zuko was not in luck that day. Instead of leaving him alone, Sokka and Toph came straight toward him.

Toph spoke first, in a voice that reminded Zuko of all those years she spent as a rich kid. "Zuko, Sokka and I are terribly bored. We don't think it's fair that Aang and Katara get to go off by themselves while we're stuck here doing chores. We heard of this great place in the Earth Kingdom. Can we please go?"

Zuko eyed the pair warily, but he still agreed. "It's about time I had a break as well. If you don't mind, can I come with you?" Zuko did deserve a day off, but he wanted to stick with them, since most of their plans ended in complete disaster.

Sokka and Toph grinned. "That would make it even better!" exclaimed Sokka, "Let's get on Appa!"

Sokka and Toph pranced toward the flying bison with Zuko not far behind.

I'm not sure where this is going, thought the Fire Lord, but I don't like it.

. . .

An hour later, Zuko was at his wit's end. Sokka had taken Appa's reins and had no idea where he was going. Toph was berating him about the direction they were heading; their constant arguing had given Zuko a migraine.

"Guys, you do realize we're over a desert, right?" he asked, hoping that one of them knew which way to go.

Sokka looked down. "Why yes, we are. We're very close, Zuko," he stated, sharing a smirk with Toph. The driver turned Appa so that they were moving in a serpentine pattern. If Zuko didn't know any better, he'd have said that Sokka was searching for something.

It turned out Zuko was right. A moment later, Sokka shouted, "Aha! There!"

Zuko looked over the side of Appa's saddle as Sokka brought the great beast down. All he could make out for miles upon miles was a single cactus. The cactus wasn't even extraordinary; it was a normal-sized, normal-looking cactus.

"Jackpot!" cried Toph and Sokka simultaneously.

"Uh, am I missing something here?" asked Zuko.

The pair ignored his question and ran to the cactus. Sokka used his machete to hack off a part of the plant. He took a swig of the juice, then offered the make-shift cup to Toph, who did likewise. Then he held out the cactus to Zuko. "You want some?"

Zuko shook his head. "I think I'll stick to water."

"Suit yourself," said Sokka, shrugging. Then, his pupils dilated. When Zuko looked over to Toph, he noticed that her eyes, though sightless, had done the same.

Sokka dropped the cactus cup, turning to his earthbender friend. "Toph? Why is your head a melon?"

Zuko, too, looked at Toph, but her head looked perfectly fine to him. Maybe it's something in the cactus juice, he thought.

Toph cackled. "I am not Toph, I am MELON LORD!"

Zuko muttered, "Oh no…" as Sokka bowed down to the self-proclaimed 'melon lord.'

"Melon slave," cried Toph. "Fetch me the traitor!"

"Which one?" Sokka asked in response.

"The one who acts like he has ants in his pants!"

Sokka struggled to walk towards Zuko. The firebender easily out stepped his reach, seeing as the Water Tribe boy was drunk. However, Zuko did not expect Sokka to tackle him. Sokka threw his entire weight onto Zuko. "I have him, your meloness!"

"Good!" bellowed Toph, who had fashioned herself a throne out of sand. "Bring him to me!"

Zuko pushed Sokka off of him, hoping to get out of their reach, but subsequently found himself trapped in a pile of sand. Toph had trapped him.

"What is a good punishment for this traitor? I know! Let's leave him here!" Toph commanded.

"Oh melon lord," Sokka stated, "We should go find the giant mushroom. He's friendly."

"What does he look like?" asked the 'melon lord.'

"What do you mean?" responded Sokka. "Can't you see him? He's RIGHT THERE!" Sokka pointed to a spot about four feet away. Zuko craned his neck; there was nothing there.

"NO!" Toph shouted, placing a hand in front of her eyes. "I can't see! I can't see! I…I think I'm blind!"

Zuko sighed. He could tell that this was going to be a long day for him. If Toph didn't even realize that she already was blind, there could be no good side to this excursion.

Sokka shouted, "Melon lord! What should I do?"

Toph held up her arms like an intoxicated king. "Make me unblind!"

Sokka, her 'slave,' marched up to Toph like a strutting peacock. He took Toph be the shoulders, none too gently, and forced her to stand up. Sokka stared deep into her eyes. Slowly he raised his right hand to the heavens…then slapped Toph across the face.

"Did it work, slave? Can I see?"

Zuko groaned in frustration; though comical, their antics had grown tiresome. And sand was getting into places that sand shouldn't be. "If you free me…melon lord…I can make you see."

Toph flicked her wrist, and the sand melted away. Zuko stalked to where Appa was resting and grabbed a water skin from his saddle. Then, he marched over to Toph and dumped the entire contents over her head.

Toph's dark hair drooped into her eyes as she stood shaking. The 'melon lord' blinked water out of her eyes. Then, she squinted, as if trying to see a far-away object. Toph shook her head, splattering water all over Zuko. "That failed!" she screeched. "Traitor! I'm soaking wet! I think I'm drowning!"

"I'm coming, my lord!" Sokka replied. He tugged at his boots, ripping them off his feet. Then, he proceeded to dive into the sand as if it were an ocean. He 'swam' toward Toph, intent on saving her from drowning. Once he reached his friend, Sokka declared, "I have saved you, lord of the melons!"

Toph stood, shivering despite the heat. "Why are we in the cold waters of the North Pole?"

Sokka's limbs started shaking, too. "Here, have my coat." He passed a handful of sand to Toph, who thankfully poured it on her head.

Zuko watched in agony. He couldn't bear seeing his friends this crazy. Granted, they were always the loony ones in the bunch, but this was too far.

"You guys are coming with me." Zuko stomped to the pair and grabbed each by the front of their robes. Dragging the drunken due to Appa, Zuko cried, "Yip yip!"

Toph and Sokka, still intoxicated, started singing some Water Tribe song, bent on keeping themselves from freezing in the cold ocean. Left to steer Appa, only one thought ran through Zuko's mind. Note to self: say no to any further plans these idiots come up with.