A/N: This was in a way inspired by the snippet of CoHF posted recently. While I don't really see Alec as being this self-depreciating, everyone has their weak moments.
The sound of trees rustling loudly in the wind was all Alec could hear, and he lost himself in it. His eyes closed and he wondered why even the sun on his skin couldn't warm him. Since he'd picked himself up and left the Subway tunnel those countless weeks ago he'd felt cold; a chill that had stayed with him, day to day, from dawn till dusk.
The wind seemed to caress his skin for a moment and then crashed into him. He swayed from his spot on the park bench, legs crossed and his eyes remained closed. He supposed to anyone who could see him, he'd look like he was meditating but there was nothing calming about the thoughts that raced through his head.
Over the past few weeks, alone in his room, he'd managed to sort through some of his emotions - a melting pot of regret and sadness with a dash of anger and jealousy. He felt separated from his own thoughts - as a third party in his own head, and he was cold. The emotional mix had created a void and he had willingly thrown himself into it. Internally, he felt nothing except cold. Externally, he'd been told he showed no more emotion than a plank of wood.
He caught a light scent of sandalwood and opened his eyes. He didn't turn around and look for the source, but he could feel a growing presence behind him. He felt his heart ache for a moment - a strange sensation - before it disappeared. Alec chuckled, his laugh hollow.
"Izzy says I'm having an emotional breakdown," he said, the wind carrying his voice away as soon as it left his lips. He looked up at the clouds, slowly drifting. He felt like a cloud - drifting aimlessly in the open skies.
The wind continued to rustle about him and Alec continued to speak, wondering to which corner of the earth the wind would take his words - or maybe they'd just drown in an unsuspecting alleyway off the streets of Manhattan. "I spent my life thinking that being Jace's parabatai was all I'd amount to. My parents knew it. The Clave knew it and I think I was fine with it."
Alec stopped when his peace was barraged by the sound of squealing children; a small family walked passed without giving him a second glance. He couldn't remember if he was glamoured. As the noise faded into the distance, the wind - his new companion - returned and he continued. "You..." he paused, the words on the tip of his tongue refusing to come out. "You loved me - made me feel like I was the only one that mattered. You made me feel important."
He laughed another hollow laugh and he could feel the prickle behind his eyes. "And now that's gone. I guess I'll eventually figure out how to be happy in someone else's shadow."
The wind kicked up and he felt movement behind him. He closed his eyes and Magnus' cat eyes stared back at him, so vividly he wanted to reach out to them. But he smiled and laughed another hollow laugh and opened his eyes to the sun glaring back at him in the afternoon sky.
You're more than that. The words floated to him, as if in a dream, on the wind and struck his icy shell. His eyes widened but he resisted the urge to turn around; the familiar presence was already gone and the coldness within him had began to spread once again. Alec pursed his lips, a tear escaped, and he laughed a laugh that wasn't so hollow, leaving him to wonder if he was being saved or killed.
A/N: If you're interested in a sequel(ish) piece, check out my new one-shot, 'Dear Friend'. Thanks for reading. If loved it or hated it, let me know. Leave a review.
