Chapter 7: Little Talks

When she woke up next Joan had that awful sensation of not knowing where she was. And she felt a little hungover. As she felt around in the dark she realized that she was in her own bedroom. What time is it, she thought to herself. Reaching for the light switch on the lamp on her bedside table she breathed in sharply when she saw the shock of dark hair on the pillow beside hers.

Blinking as he tried to adjust to the sudden brightness that had awakened him, Arthur resorted to squinting at his wife who was now sitting up on her side of the bed, looking totally surprised. "Hey," he mumbled as he reached for her hand.

Pulling back from him and getting up so she was standing beside the bed - on her side - Joan asked him a curtly, "What are you doing here Arthur?" She really wondered. As she mentally scanned her calendar she knew that Arthur was supposed to be gone for a week, and no matter how sick she seemed to have been, a whole week shouldn't have passed her by.

Shocked by his wife's curtness and her question, Arthur swallowed as he tried to figure out how best to proceed. "Joan," he started softly, "I came back to be with you."

Her rolling eyes cut him off. With a little sarcastic grunt she started in on her husband, "You came back to be with me? Please. Arthur stop trying these juvenile moves to get me to let you back in bed with me."

Arthur just shook his head. This was going to be a lot harder than he thought. He understood why Joan was "skeptical" of his motives and actions. They'd been icy with each other for the last few weeks. He and Teo were trying to reconcile their own relationship - well maybe reconcile was too strong a statement. He wanted to reconcile with Teo, but Teo wasn't there yet. Still Teo had been open to at least meeting with him and talking about work strategies. In and of itself, this was a huge step for the two who might share some common enemies, but did not get along well with each ever since Teo decided that his father was only interested in him as a spy, not as a son. Joan was touchy about Teo, but she tried to be understanding if only because she knew how much it meant to her husband that he try to repair his relationship with his son. Teo had a safehouse in China and Arthur had agreed to meet him there covertly while he was in the country for some overt business. Joan had supported that, but Arthur knew the last straw had been when Gina ran into Joan and let slip that Arthur had asked her to come with him. That information was what led Joan to kicking him out of the bed - nearly two weeks ago.

Joan looked on with disdain as her husband shook his head and seemed to be reviewing events in his mind. Rolling her eyes Joan harshly went after her husband, "Stop just shaking your head Arthur! I'm not the one who ran off with my ex, so I could be with her and my secret child!" The anger and hurt she had a vague memory of feeling the night before came back to her as she cut at him with her words. "Did Gina get sick of you too? Is that why you came back to me?" she asked haughtily.

At that Arthur stopped shaking his head and looked up at his wife sadly. Standing there, her blonde hair tangled but still pretty and her eyes full of blue fury, Arthur realized that Joan really had no idea what had gone on since Friday night. "Joan," he said as gently as he could.

This time Joan looked at him, really looked at him, and she could see deep sadness in his eyes. Deciding to stop her own tirade since Arthur looked exhausted and awfully sad, she sighed and instead asked him in a resigned voice, "What Arthur?"

"Do you really not know why I'm here?" he asked her carefully - his eyes pleading with her to know the answer to his question. But she didn't. She furrowed her brow as she tried to figure him out. So Arthur offered, "How are you feeling?" He paused there as Joan looked at him questioningly but less so than when he'd asked her the first question, because honestly she wasn't feeling well. "Joan, I came home to take care of you. I came home to be with you," he continued. He desperately wanted her to be the one to realize what had happened. He didn't want to have to tell her she'd tried to kill herself.

After a long silence, during which Arthur watched the fury dissipate in his wife's eyes, Joan met Arthur's eyes and quietly told him, "Honestly I feel pretty hungover." She could feel his eyes searching for more information and so after some stops and starts she said to him, "What's going on Arthur?"

Taking a deep breath, Arthur patted the bed and told Joan, "I think you might want to sit down for this."

"Arthur I'm a big girl, I'm sure I can take whatever news you have standing up," Joan told her husband - a little annoyed at just how dramatic he was being.

"Joan. I just flew here from halfway around the world on a last minute plane ticket - to be with you - so please just sit down. I might be a jerk sometimes, but I do know you. And I do love you. And I know you need to sit down for this," he told her emphatically - a little impatient with his wife's stubbornness.

With a little huff Joan sat and glared at her husband. "Thank you," he offered. Then after another deep breath Arthur reached out and took Joan's hand, "Joan - something happened last night. You were home alone, but I had to call Frank and send him over so he could help you," he explained as gently as he could. "Do you really not remember anything?" he asked again - but this time with love in his voice.

Joan shook her head at first, but then her breath caught. Arthur saw the glimmer of fear that shot through Joan's eyes then. "Frank?" was all she said back to him though.

"Yeah. You know - your Frank - from the pharmacy," Arthur told her haltingly.

"Oh my god," was all Joan said before she got up and dashed into the bathroom. Hearing her husband voice Frank's name brought back a flood of feelings, and she knew instantly what had happened - what she'd done. How she'd blocked it out until now, she wasn't sure, but then she'd always been good at just partitioning off her feelings and parts of her life.

Untangling himself from the sheets and running after her Arthur caught up with her after she'd already stopped at the double sinks. The empty pill bottle was still there. Maia had cleaned up, but apparently didn't think to put away the bottle. In the mirror Arthur could see tears flowing silently but freely down Joan's face. Putting his arms around her waist, he kissed her neck and whispered to her, "It's going to be okay. You're going to be fine. I'm so sorry Joan." Arthur wished he knew the exact right thing to say to his wife, but he didn't, so he just wanted to assure her that everything was going to be fine.

Pushing Arthur's arms away, Joan spun herself around to look at her husband, "Maia?" she asked. She didn't need him to speak an answer she could see it in his eyes that looked like they would break from the sadness there. Crumpling into her husband's chest then, Joan let herself sob. She wasn't a big crier, but that was because she wasn't one to cry for herself too much, but she hated to think about how much fear and pain she'd caused her daughter. Arthur hugged his wife's heaving body. He knew she'd hate to know that Maia found her, but he didn't expect quite this emotional a response. "She's okay Joan. She called me and she did a great job with you, me, and Frank. She's a good kid," he told her, trying to reassure her that Maia was okay.

They stood there for a long time. When Joan finally stepped back from her husband's embrace, she turned back toward the sink. She didn't say anything, and Arthur just watched as she washed her face, and after toweling it dry, examine the puffiness and redness around her eyes. Arthur wracked his brain for what to say next, and finally all he could come up with was to tell her, "Joan, I'm so sorry for everything I did to make you feel that bad. I love you more than anything, and I've done a shitty job of showing you that. And I'm just glad I'll get another chance to show you how much you mean to me." Joan watched her husband apologize in the mirror, and he watched her watch him.

Slowly turning to face him, Arthur watched his wife intently. "Yes. You've been really shitty lately," she said flatly and without making eye contact. "But," she said as she lifted her eyes to his, "We will have time to talk all that out. I'm just, I'm just pretty tired right now." And with that she dropped her gaze again. She really was exhausted. She knew that sometimes she used "tired" as an excuse to not deal with her husband, but right now she knew she really was too tired to talk about anything as serious as what they needed to talk about.

Arthur saw that she was genuinely worn out, and he figured some time to rest would be good for him too. "Okay. Yeah. I suppose that's to be expected," he stuttered as he awkwardly reached out to try to help Joan back toward the bed. She let him, and thanked him quietly when he lifted the sheets up so she could climb back in the bed. Flipping off the light and kissing his wife lightly on the cheek, Arthur walked across the room and flopped into the chair that Maia had spent most of the day in.

"Arthur?" Joan called out into the dark, her voice sounding smaller and more unsure of itself than he was used to.

"Yeah?" he asked into the darkness. He was unsure of what she'd say next. They'd gone from her sobbing over learning her daughter was the one to find her half unconscious on the bathroom floor, to just agreeing with him that he was pretty shitty. Really anything could come next.

After a moment of silence Joan worked up the nerve to continue speaking. "Come to bed with me?" she asked softly. She knew she'd been awfully cold to him, and no matter how hurt she felt by his behavior these past few weeks, she knew that she needed him now - perhaps more than before. And he'd clearly been ready to be there for her; after all he'd flown all the way from the other side of the world to be here with her now.

Arthur didn't say anything in response. He just got up and slid into the bed beside his wife. "I'm sorry too," she whispered as she felt him put his arm around her.

"I know," he replied as he hugged her under the covers. Feeling her start to cry again, Arthur squeezed her more tightly telling her, "I am really sorry Joan. I wish I had done things so differently. I love you so much."

"Thanks for coming home," Joan said through her tears, "I shouldn't have let things get so out of control," she cried.

Arthur let his wife cry as he tried to just reassure her that everything was going to be okay and better than before. But when, in a voice still ragged from crying, she said, "I shouldn't have been so stupid," Arthur shook her a little telling her that she wasn't stupid.

"No Arthur, I was. I can see that now," Joan told him more emphatically. Arthur knew that when Joan was like this he shouldn't get in her way. She'd told him that enough times, and so he stayed quiet, just holding her as she explained in the strong voice he recognized from her work self, "I got an envelope yesterday. Manila. There were pictures of you, Gina, and Teo in it, and of you and Gina. - from your trip. You looked so happy with her, and the three of you looked like - well like a family. There was a note in it that I'm now sure was from Henry. All it said was "Looks like a happy family doesn't it Joanie?" And it did! All I could think was how you'd invited Gina to go with you to China, and how much you've wanted to be on good terms with Teo. I guess all the stress was just too much, and then when I called you didn't pick up, and so I just thought that maybe you'd find your family with them. I know we haven't been on good terms with each other for a little while now. I was so afraid you'd chosen them. I'm so sorry Arthur," she finished, finally allowing herself to cry a little more.

"Oh Joan," was all Arthur could say in response because he could feel tears in his own eyes. He knew that he often forgot that Joan was as sensitive as she was; she was so good at masking her feelings. Her cold, take no prisoners exterior was just her exterior, underneath she was complicated, sensitive, and unsure of how to always express her feelings. Clearly, Arthur realized that he'd really gone about everything wrong these last few weeks, and he'd hurt Joan in ways that he didn't even know about until now.

"I know. I was SO stupid, and then I went and probably scarred Maia for life!" Joan cried as she started to mentally beat herself up for all the ways she'd screwed up yesterday.

"No Joan, no," Arthur tried to convince her, "You weren't stupid. I didn't give you anything to help you think anything different. I'm sorry. I should have explained more. I WAS happy with Teo in China, and I was happy with the way Gina was able to help us out because she knows China. But Joan I love YOU. Remember - I left her for you. I love you more than I let you know." He hugged her tightly then and told her, "I guess I should do a better job of letting you know huh?"

Tears still flowing, but without missing a beat Joan replied, "You think?" as she felt a smile forming despite her tears. "I love you too," she whispered to her husband.

"I know," he said to her then - her usual response when he told her that he loved her. There was still so much more to talk about, but this conversation had been a good start. He knew that just Gina jealousy wasn't likely the whole story. That sort of thing was something to make Joan yell or kick him out of bed, not to end her life. But at least Arthur had a better idea of what was going on for Joan, and at least it seemed like they were on the road to reconciling with each other. He felt her breathing change, and in not too long he could tell that she was sound asleep.

Arthur let himself lie there in the darkness for a little while longer. He was glad to be home with his family. He'd always wish that things had worked out differently between himself and Teo, but Joan and Maia were his family now. Teo was his son, but this was his family and he needed to do a better job of making sure Joan knew that.