"So you three brought me a rude and smelly bundle AND a war with some weirdos I've never heard of, all at the same time?" Screamed Princess Bubblegum in a rising crescendo, "I told you to go and eliminate it, not bring it home!"
"Wait, wait, I was supposed to DIE?" said the bundle that had now been placed in the royal throne room and out of direct sunlight, "And by the way, I'm not an "it", I'm a "he" – and if you don't believe me, let me out of this mess and I'll drop trou…"
"Oh, shut up!" The one and only ruler of the Candy Kingdom booted the bundle, which grunted in annoyance, "Nobody wants to see that, especially during a national emergency!"
"Well, duh, and while we're at it, I have a name, you know!"
"Nobody is interested in that right now. Who are those guys outside my gates and why are they here?"
"Yo, PB!" hollered Jake around a perfect sandwich that he'd stored somewhere on his body, "They're paper, why don't Finn and me just take a match to 'em? Dad always encouraged us to play with matches, any chance we got, with Mom supplying the matches!"
"The name's Spike, William the Bloody, in case anybody's interested." The charred mass of extension cords that Marceline was sitting on because it was more entertaining than sitting on Princess Bubblegum's throne mumbled to nobody in particular, "NOT that any of you wankers are… bloody Hell, are you eating pencil erasers?"
"Yeah," mumbled the Vampire Queen around her mouthful of shredded pink rubber while holding one out, "Want one?"
"What I want, your effin' Higness of the Fangs, is the Hell out of here before my enemy at your gates comes in here and…"
Everyone turned around and stared at, um… Spike.
"Whose enemy?" PB frowned and bent down to glare one of her two problems of the day in the eye, which was blue, not the usual India ink black dot common in Ooo these days.
"Mine." The prisoner, now identified as "Spike" and "male", exact species as yet to be determined but suspected to be some sort of vampire due to extreme flammability, gave an odd laugh. "Been after me for over a thousand years. Not sure why, though." Again, that laugh, "Never stuck around long enough to ask – so if you'll just untie me, I'll be on me merry way."
