When I woke up the next morning, Sora was eating breakfast, a little box of dry cereal and an apple. The tent was collapsed, and both sleeping bags were packed. Sora

He glanced at Riku, eating a similar breakfast a few feet away, and answered silently. Hey. Roxas. I - I think I need to break up with Kairi and Namine.

No way! You're not doing that with Riku again!

You can still be with them. It's like Riku said, they know we're different people.

Like Riku said? As if he doesn't have an ulterior motive.

Roxas, he thought, I've never felt that way before. You can be like that with Kairi, but I don't think I can.

I remembered what the scene he'd liked so much had been like for me. Right now, Sora, I don't give a shit how you feel. You won't hurt my girlfriends and you won't let that bastard touch you again.

"What?" he said out loud. Riku looked up, realizing something was wrong. Then Sora's mouth tightened to a stubborn line. Who says?

Me.

Who cares? Maybe I don't give a crap how you feel either.

Sora, if you break up with Kairi for him I'll never forgive you.

"What gives you the right?"

Because of what we are, I have the right. Never forgive you. God, please, never again. Never.

Sora's shoulders slumped, and he hung his head.

"Sora?' Riku said. "Are you okay?"

"I'll be fine," Sora lied. As always, it was an awful lie. "Roxas is being a jerk."

"Is he okay?"

"He'll get over it. We fight all the time, it never lasts long."

Riku looked doubtful, but nodded.

--

Sora was half-right - it didn't take him long to cheer up. It was his turn to swim while Riku rowed the luggage back to Interceptor. Riku's glance when he offered Sora his shirt back was less casual than the kind he'd used to use. Sora, of course, noticed, and stowed the shirt instead of wearing it. As an alternative, he asked Riku to put suntan lotion on his back. Thankfully, Riku had some restraint left, and so we ended up with a burned spot in the middle of our back, where our arms didn't reach. Riku, who'd been dealing with things like Sora getting hot marshmallow off his fingers for years, only smiled. It was Sora who nearly tacked the boat by accident while admiring the sun in Riku's hair.

The next day, after school, Sora spent the afternoon in our room explaining to me how breaking up with Kairi and Naminé was the right thing to do, how he had to follow his heart, and how he was missing the point entirely and ignoring how I felt. Not that he put it like that, but that's what it meant. I didn't bother answering.

Well, okay, it's not like everything he said was wrong. He sort of had a point when he said faking feelings for Kairi and Namine would be worse than breaking up with them. But that wasn't even the main problem. He'd cheated on our girlfriends. That stupid little game of don't-touch-the-special-places didn't change anything – I was there, I knew what he and Riku had done, and it wasn't Riku's idea, either. And that was the other thing – I'd been there, getting groped by a guy, against my will, because Sora wouldn't calm down long enough for me to get away. He didn't hear me.

When I was little, I had nightmares about Sora not hearing me.

The day after that was Riku's actual birthday. There wasn't a big party, but Kairi showed up with Wakka and Selphie and Tidus and an ice cream cake, and Sora went too, though he was distracted and mostly faking his smiles. Anyway, he didn't want to act like Kairi's boyfriend (anymore,) and Riku didn't want to act like his boyfriend (yet,) so it was talk to Tidus or go home. It didn't take him all that long to pick plan B. He wasn't getting a bail out from me - I didn't talk to anyone, including him.

Then on Wednesday, Sora and Riku walked home from school together, and Sora didn't keep going when they got to Riku's house. "Did you want something?" Riku asked.

"I, um," Sora said, "Uh. . . a hug?"

"Have you talked to Kairi?" Riku asked.

"Um. . . not really."

"And is it okay with Roxas?"

"No."

"Then no, and no," Riku said.

"Roxas isn't even talking to me," Sora mumbled. Riku gave him a look.

"I don't really have time to just hang out, " Riku said, "but if you want company we could do our homework together."

"Okay," Sora agreed. Riku's eyebrows went up. For Sora to willingly do homework as soon as he got home was highly unusual, probably a bad sign. But he didn't say anything, being Riku, until half an hour later when Sora asked, "Why are you taking Roxas' side, anyway? He's being completely unfair and stupid."

"I'm not taking his side, Sora. But he's my friend, just like Kairi. I'm not going to hurt him to make myself happy." This sentiment would have been great four days before; now it was just stupid fucking useless. Sora rubbed his eyes, and didn't bother faking a smile.

The day after that, Kairi looked for Sora after his rehearsal, and didn't find him until she looked in the prop closet. He was huddled up in the corner, hugging his knees. "Sora? Are you okay? The director said he sent you home, but your mom said you were still here." He looked up at her. "My God, what's wrong with you?" She sat down beside him and hugged him, pulling his head onto her shoulder.

"I've been in front for five days."

"And that did this? You look awful."

"I'm so tired, Kairi. I can barely think, my head feels like it's full of, of little pieces of glass. I couldn't rehearse, because I couldn't remember a line long enough to get through it. Roxas won't even talk to me. I can feel him in there, but he won't answer."

"What - why not? What happened to him?"

"We had a fight. A real one. I don't know why he's so mad, I didn't think he had a problem with. . ." But telling her would be breaking up with her, so he didn't say it.

"What did you fight about? I mean, I can't imagine anything that would make Naminé and I not talk for a week."

"I can't tell you. That's part of what it was about, telling you."

"Well, you obviously have to talk to someone, Sora, you're a wreck. What about Riku?"

"He's part of it, too."

"Your parents?"

He shook his head. "No way."

She sighed and squeezed her arm around him. "Look. Whatever this is, it's gone too far. There is nothing you could possibly tell me that's bad enough to be worth this. Just tell me, Sora. It won't be as bad as you think."

"You promise?" Sora said, like a little kid. Kairi nodded. Sora took a deep breath. "I think I'm gay."

Kairi didn't breath for about five seconds. Then she made a quiet, sad little "Oh."

"Roxas is straight, but I'm gay." He looked at her. "I'm sorry I hurt you. Please don't hate me, too."

"It's not - oh, Sora, I don't hate you. I, I. . ." She sobbed, very softly. "I just wish you hadn't said you loved me."

"I do, Kairi. You're wonderful, you're so pretty, and a great girlfriend, and you're perfect for me. I just can't feel anything when I kiss you, and I didn't know why. I'm so sorry."

"Oh." Kairi swallowed. "We're still friends." All the friendship in the world couldn't make that not hurt, though.

"Roxas can't really never forgive me, right? He can't stay in there forever, can he?"

Kairi opened her mouth, but didn't say anything. She didn't look thoughtful or distracted, or any sadder than when she'd been talking, and after a moment I realized she was talking to Namine.

"I'm not completely surprised," Namine said at last.

"Really?"

A smile quirked at the corner of her mouth. "There were little hints." She pointed at a shelf above Sora's head. Hanging over the edge was an old-fashioned ladies' hat, hideously turquoise, with a big white feather in it. From the door, it must have looked like he was wearing it.

"Namine! I didn't even see. . ."

"Sh." She sighed. "The one who surprised me is Roxas. I didn't think he was a homophobe."

"Neither did I! I mean, Hayner and Pence say things, but I think it's just to be funny, they don't mean them. His friend Axel is gay, and he didn't even blink, and he got along fine with Riku after. . ." He clapped his hand to his mouth.

There was a pause, while Namine and Kairi counted back five days in their head, and realized who was the only guy Sora could have met that day. "Now that," Namine said, "I didn't guess. Though it explains a lot."

"He didn't, we didn't do anything. He said he wouldn't, until I talked to you. It was just normal stuff, that I, um, noticed." Like tousling our hair? Or a touch to the collarbone? That he'd "noticed" by moaning Riku's name? I wanted to swear at Sora, but breaking my silence would make him feel better, not worse, so I didn't.

"Faithful Riku. Maybe we all take him for granted." She stood up. "Come on."

"Where're we going?"

"We're going to get all five of us together and talk about this," Namine said. Sora swallowed, but followed her to the pool.

"How's Kairi?" he asked.

Namine hesitated, then answered. "Crying."

At least Sora was ashamed. But he dealt with it by reaching over and holding their hand. What a great way to soften a break-up that isn't.

Other towns' high schools give all the prestige to football or basketball. They can do this because they have grass or pavement around for kids to learn to play on. On Destiny Islands, the king jocks are the swim team. Sora's best friend was the star distance swimmer; the team captain and the only freshman relay anchor had hung out with us on the play island for years. He came to most of the meets, including all the big ones. But today he was nervous walking into the pool room. Irrationally, I wanted to snarl at the swimmers.

The practice was just ending. Riku saw us as he climbed out of the pool. He looked from Sora's dark eyes to Namine's red ones to their hands clasped together, and his expression was strange for a moment before it relaxed into a blank, casual smile. We were too far away to talk, but he pointed at the locker room and mouthed the words go change. Namine nodded.

I almost didn't get a look at Riku's expression, because Sora didn't really have the eyes pointed that high. Swimming trunks are too baggy for racing in, they drag the water. The suits they wear instead are smaller and tighter than most guys like for underwear. Sora'd had eight years to notice this, but apparently he hadn't until just then.

"I see what this is," Kairi said quietly, following Sora's eyes. Sora glanced at her, and she sniffed but smiled. "It's that he's got better legs than I do, isn't it?"

Sora turned red and put a hand over his mouth, but a snork of laughter got out anyway. "Kairi!" he said, but he was laughing, and so was she. When Riku came out, he saw them laughing and still holding hands. That was fine with me.

"Hi, guys," he said.

"Sora and I have been talking," Kairi said, "and I think we need to talk to you, too."

Riku glanced at Sora, and Sora nodded. At least, that's what I think happened, and if I almost missed it, I doubt Kairi caught it. Sometimes I wonder why they even bother talking to each other. "Oh," Riku said. "That. I'm really sorry, Kairi."

"It's not anything you did."

"Er, well, that's not. . ."

"Um, guys?" Sora said, looking around at the dispersing swim team. "Can we talk about this somewhere else? Like on the walk home?"

Riku nodded, and they got out of the school building before he went on. "So you talked to Kairi. Did you talk to Roxas?"

"He won't answer me!" Sora moaned. "I spent hours trying to explain things, and he's still mad and I don't know why. I don't know what to do."

"I don't see what his problem is," Kairi grumbled. "I'm the one who – who's losing something, here. He's being very cruel to Sora. I'm starting to wonder if he isn't a homophobe after all."

Riku gave them an odd look. "He's not. It all seemed obvious to me, once I realized he'd still been around at the time."

"He was?" Sora said, just as Kairi asked "At what time?"

"It must have been pretty bad for him," Riku went on. "When he finally had control, he was having a panic attack." I felt the blood run out of Sora's face. Kairi was staring. "You did try apologizing, right, Sora?"

"I," Sora stammered, "he, I was asleep, I didn't – panic attack?"

"He was obviously there and feeling everything, and he didn't want to. It must have been like being molested by someone you thought was your friend."

Exactly.

"Roxas?" Sora said.

Kairi frowned. "Wait a minute. Sora said you two didn't do anything."

"Oh, come on," I said. Sora, suddenly and finally in the back, was whispering thank you in my head over and over. "Riku must have found every sensitive spot that you could hear about and maybe not think he was feeling up your boyfriend. I've gotten hickeys without getting that excited. Only Sora would try to get away with cheating on a technicality."

Kairi looked at Riku, shocked and hurt. Riku made himself look her in the eyes. "Like I said, I'm so sorry. There's no excuse."

"It wasn't his fault. Sora put on this 'oh, I'm cute and frightened, protect me' act and turned him to goo."

They both looked at me, and one after the other, realized it was me and not Sora. Finally Riku said, "I did not turn to goo."

"Helpless. Quivering. Goo," I said, poking him in the chest with each word. "I was there."

It wasn't an act!

"You exaggerated for effect," I said out loud, "since you like technicalities so much, and you know it damn well."

Anyway, it wasn't that bad.

"Whatever. You knew what you were doing."

"Roxas," Riku said, "I really am sorry. I don't have an excuse for you, either. I wish that night had never happened." I felt a pang from Sora, a wordless spike of hurt.

"Of course you have an excuse. You have lots. You don't know how we work, you didn't know I was there, and you tried to stop it. And you already apologized. It's Sora I'm mad at. He. . ." I stood there for a minute, clenching and opening my fists, figuring out how to say it. "Maybe my friend molested me, by accident. But my brother held me down for it. On purpose."

It wasn't! I couldn't hear you.

"You weren't listening! Do you know what that's like? If you don't listen to me, Sora, what am I? What's left?"

"Would you like to come inside?" Riku asked suddenly. His house was closest to the school, and we were there.

"Why?" I snapped.

"Because in there no one's home," he said, "and out here someone's eventually going to realize you're talking to yourself."

I looked at the house, and then at the people on the street who were turning their heads to watch five teenagers having an argument, thinking (so far) they were watching three teenagers having an argument. I sighed and went inside.

Riku had the back bedroom, small but happily decorated with posters, and books, and ribbons and trophies from swimming. It didn't really fit the mood. Riku sat on the bed, and I sat down with my back against it. Kairi took the chair. "So," she said awkwardly, "what are we all going to do?"

"We could go on like we were, for all I care," I said, "except I won't trust Sora anymore." If you can hear a voice in your head flinching, I did. "Riku?"

"I," Riku began, then dropped his eyes and thought for a while. "You're more important to Sora than I am."

I looked at him. For myself, I'd have been fine with Riku going back to his private angst and never touching Sora – or me! - again. But damn if I was going to let him blame the angst on me. "I can't believe you," I said. "Step up, for once in your life."

"What?"

"You just won't say how you feel, will you?" He looked at me, mistrusting. "Look," I said, "I was upset Saturday night, I said some things I didn't mean. I don't care what you do, as long as I'm asleep, and I keep telling you we're friends. Just say it." More kindly, "He can hear you."

Riku looked at me, then at Kairi, watching and looking very strange, and back. "I've loved him," he said. "I've known it since I was thirteen." The year of the raft. He'd wanted something amazing to happen. . .

"If you'd said something then, we could have avoided this whole mess," I said.

No, we couldn't. It'd have just been the other way around.

"He likes you, too," I added, which was as much of Sora's feelings as I felt like interpreting for him. If he wanted to say more, he could come up front and do it himself.

"This is actually sweet, in a way." This was Namine. "Roxas for me and Sora for you. But wait a minute," Kairi now, "this won't work. We know they're two people, but nobody else does. If people find out, they'll think Sora's cheating on me."

"You really think that's the problem with people finding out?" I asked.

"If that was all," Riku said, "you could just tell people about it from the start, and they'd just think you were a little strange. It's Sora and I that have the trouble. And Roxas." He pushed hair out of his eyes. "But I'm sure I could keep it secret."

"You fooled me up till a week ago," I agreed, "and you fooled Kairi. But Sora keeps secrets about as long as he keeps ice cream. I don't know whether the team would be worse to you or us."

"You," Riku said.

Kairi looked alarmed. "But Wakka's the captain! And Tidus wouldn't be like that."

"Wakka's okay," Riku agreed, "and he'd stop as much as he could. But most of them are ignorant, and some of them are bullies, and Tidus can be amazingly stupid when he's trying to impress people. And haven't you ever met his father?" He shook his head. "They wouldn't bother me as much, since I can swim faster than them and kick their butts." He'd aborted a stronger word with a glance at Kairi. "They'd take it out on Sora."

"Well, I can kick your butt if it comes to that," I said. Riku rolled his eyes, but it was true. I wasn't scared of any jock that was scared of him. "Even Sora'd surprise them."

"What if you stayed in control while you're at school?" Riku said. "I guess you can act like him much better than he can keep secrets. And you're the one who's friends with the guy and dating the girl."

"Yeah, but. . ." I don't do school. But there wasn't really any reason for that. I just didn't like it. I really didn't feel like doing Sora any favors, though. "Wait a minute, Riku. You're talking like I'm on your side. Kairi, what do you think?"

"Side? Since when are we on sides, Roxas?"

"What? Well, I mean, Sora cheated on you, Kairi."

"Roxas, cheating is when someone betrays a relationship, and goes behind your back. It's not when they come to you and tell you everything. What Sora did. . ." Her words were forgiving, but she wasn't showing me her eyes. "He just realized that what we had was never real. It was just a good dream. I don't blame him for the truth. Neither should you."

That wasn't what I blamed him for. "Kairi, that's nice of you to say, but you're crying."

"Roxas, stop this. How can you fight with Sora?"

"Huh? You've fought with him yourself. You know how self-centered he can be."

"But he's part of you. He has your same heart."

"And that means I have to just take it whenever he acts like an ass?" Kairi stared at me like I was speaking a different language. I wondered what it was like in their head, because apparently it wasn't much like ours.

"They fight like any other pair of brothers," Riku explained, like he knew more about it than she did. Well, he thought he did. "Roxas told me it usually doesn't mean anything."

"It does this time," I said.

Riku shrugged, as if to say that made sense. "They're two people. There's no reason they have to get along all the time." Kairi stared at him. Getting an explanation from him was ridiculous. He was the one who didn't get why she was upset. But she couldn't tell him that because she didn't want to tell him why.

"Roxas," Kairi said. "We, the four of us, we've been through so much. I. . . I want to believe nothing could come between us. Any of us."

"For God's sake, Kairi, he's my brother. Just because I'm pissed at him doesn't mean I hate him forever."

You said you would. Oh. Had I really said that? Roxas, I'm really sorry. I'll never not listen to you again, I promise. I didn't answer. Riku started to say something, and Namine shushed him.

In our head, Sora reached out his hand to me, and I took it. That was how we'd pictured it, when we were eight and Sora had first figured out I was really there. It was also the image we used when we learned to switch at will.

Roxas, are we okay?

I hesitated. Not yet.

Okay. His voice got faint. I'm so tired.

Then sleep.

And he slept. But as he faded into the back of our head, he mumbled, I'm here if you need me.

My eyes refocused on Kairi and Riku. Namine was smiling at me. Riku had more of a bemused smirk. On principle, I remembered I was angry and changed my face to match. Riku laughed out loud, and I shrugged. Behind Namine's eyes, I thought I could see Kairi, still crying.