There is a time lapse this chapter.
How come you never show it?
All this love you speak of
All I want is to love and be loved- NM
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It has been three weeks since that eventful night that untimely became a turning point in our relationship. Things were still a little rocky after that night because we had to find our footing again. Honestly, there was a little hesitancy, too. Mainly on my behalf because I was afraid that he still wasn't committed to making this work. If he had allowed one thing Jack said deter him, I wondered what else could possibly do the same. Granted what Jack said wasn't a small feat, but I feel like he should have trusted my word over his. However, after our talk that night in the diner, things have changed drastically:
"Let me just start off by apologizing to you again for taking his word over yours." He starts as soon as we sit at the table.
"Andy, I accept your apology. I just want to know why you were so quick to do it? I ask looking at him popping his fingers. It is one of his nervous habits that I began to notice lately.
"Do you really want to know?" He asks looking up to meet my gaze.
"Yes, I do." I say tentatively smiling at the waitress who is walking up. "Wait just a second, though."
"Ma'am, can we have two coffees and that is all, thank you." I say to the waitress, who quickly left to retrieve our order.
"Now, I would like know why." I say reaching for his hand across the table.
"Honestly, Sharon, I was looking for a way out! I felt like something was too good to be true! So, when he said it, I found my way out! Or so I thought." He expresses rubbing his thumb along the back of my hand.
With a look of shock on my face, "Well, if you were looking for a way out, why didn't you just say it? Why keep up this charade longer than necessary?" I ask.
"Because I still loved you, and I really wanted to not to walk away! My looking for a way out was me still being afraid. I was still afraid that you would hurt me again." He confesses.
"But, Andy you said, losing me would hurt worse than me, breaking your heart again! So am I confused!" I breathe.
"I couldn't stand the thought of losing you, due to my own stupidity, either!" He whispers. "So, when Jack, said what he said, I had found a way to make losing you, your fault, which meant that it would hurt less for me! It's was selfish and I know it!" He continues as the waitress sits the coffees down.
"So, once I knew that information, I was just looking for the right moment, to say something about it, but as time passed I knew there would never be a right moment, and that is why I agreed to come to your place tonight, to talk about it. I was done pretending I wasn't affected by it!" He expresses with a sigh of relief.
"Ok, I kind of understand that you were afraid. But why keep going with this relationship, if you had secured your way out? Was is to ensure that I would be hurt, too? Was that the endgame for you?" I ask feeling the tears form in my eyes.
"Hey, they was never an endgame here!" He says. "I realized that I no longer wanted a way out. I was finally letting go of my fear. But I had to hear you say it before I could truly let go of it." He confesses before he takes a sip of coffee.
"Look, Roni, I'm sorry for treating you the way I did. It was never my intention to make you feel unwanted or unloved!" He says looking into my tear clouded jade eyes.
"But, you had to know that the way you were treating me was bound to push me away. Right?" I ask searching his eyes for an answer.
"Yes, I know! That is what made me stop procrastinating and just ask you." He says gently stroking my wrist with his thumb.
"Look, Andy what I want from this is simple. I just want love and to be loved and if you feel like you can't provide that for me, I understand. But I need to hear you say it out loud. I can't go on trying to figure out what is going on in that head of yours. You have to communicate your feelings to me." I assert looking him his burnt amber eyes.
"Roni, I can give you those things, and I want to, if you will let me!" He says standing up reaching for me to stand up with him.
As I stand up, he envelops me into his arms, and boy have I missed this, the strong feel of his arms around me, the feeling of his strong heartbeat and the security I feel with him. "I'm willing to give this one last try." I whisper against his chest.
"Well that is all that I can ask for." He says lifting my chin up and kissing me softly.
"Thank you." He says as he breaks the kiss. "I know I made a fool of myself, but I am more than willing and ready to make amends.
"You are welcome. I look forward to those amends." I say before placing my lips on his, slowly enjoying the taste of him, the one that I missed so much.
We left the diner that night understanding that this was the last time, that we both had to get it right or we would just go our separate ways.
We have come a long way in those three weeks.
We are much more open with each other now.
We have even discussed the topic of possibly moving in together. But I floored that topic for a later date. I want to make sure we are completely stable before we make that step.
He even suggested that we see a couple's therapist. I wasn't too keen on that idea at first, but I eventually came around.
Honestly, it has been one of the best decisions we have made together. One can never truly understand how bad their communications skills are, until a therapist points it out to you. I used to think my skills were pretty good, until the therapist made me realize that I am far too passive aggressive than I knew I was. Dr. Jones has been extremely helpful. He even suggested that we take a road trip and go somewhere, neither of us has ever been.
So here we are, two hours in on our five hour drive to Big Sur. Holding hands over the console, like we have no care in the world. Its feels nice to be back to this place. This weekend, will definitely be interesting.
TBC…
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See, I told you guys there would be sunshine after the rain! Leave a girl some reviews.
