A/N: I'm so sorry! I completely forgot this entry!! So I moved the next two or three entries down, and added this one in between. Very sorry for the confusion!
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July 23, 2007
At the WOAK studio
I'm sitting in the WOAK studio now. Maddie and Noah just left, the latter giving me a brilliant idea, though admittedly it doesn't help me as I'm trying to get over this infatuation with him.
The day started terribly enough from the get-go. I really wasn't in the mood to face Noah or Maddie today. Not after the Branson trip. I still couldn't get the image out of my mind; the one of the man I'm falling for in bed with one of my best friends.
I know it shouldn't have surprised me. It was obvious Noah liked her. And I guess I should be over it, and him, by now. That should've been the slap in the face from reality I'd needed to get over him. But it wasn't. It only made liking him hurt even more than it did before. And it was killing me to begin with.
So I went into the studio early and asked Kim if I could have the day off, on the pretense that I needed to be with my cousin. Kim said it was fine, and I promised to leave a list of what needed to be done today on the desk for Noah and Maddie.
I'd just finished writing out the list when, who else, Noah walks in. Seeing him immediately made the image I'd been fighting to keep from my head this morning jump to the forefront of my mind. I tried to sound casual as I pointed out that he was here early, but I was struggling to keep my breathing even so I might not have pulled it off too well.
He said I was here early too, and I told him it was just because I'd come to write out a list of what needed to be done today, because I was taking the day off. I said he could call me if he needed help with anything, but I really hoped he wouldn't. I didn't need to hear his voice in my head. I already saw his face every time I closed my eyes.
Maddie walked in at that moment, and I told her the same thing I'd told Noah and moved to go out. She stepped in front of me to ask if I was okay. I said I was fine, and that I just thought Jade needed me today.
That was my only focus today. Making sure Jade was okay. A lot of people would've been traumatized after what happened, but knowing Jade, she won't be. But she might still be a bit out of it until this whole deal with Cleo settles down a bit more. I mean, its all settled, but its still fresh on everyone's mind. Its not something that's easy to forget. This thought only reminded me of something else that was hard to forget, but I pushed the image away for what had to be the twentieth time this morning.
When I got to the farm, Jade was already there waiting for me. After a few minutes, I realized why she'd been waiting for me: She was leaving Oakdale. I couldn't believe it when she told me. Why would she just leave? Just run away from all this with Will and Gwen and Cleo? It was settled. There was nothing to run away I know it was selfish, but I couldn't help but wonder what I would do without her there. Who was I supposed to talk to? Who could I confide in? No one understood me as well as Jade did. She always knew the right things to say. The right things to make me smile even when I really didn't want to. She always knew what to tell me; She'd been right about Kevin. He was a complete jerk and I shouldn't have wasted my time. She wasn't too right about Noah; I shouldn't have gone to face him in Branson. That hadn't turned out well; but even when she didn't know what to say, she always knew how to listen to what I had to say, even if it wasn't the most interesting of topics.
I didn't really know what to say when she said she was leaving. I was still trying to get it through my head, I guess, so I just asked if she'd told my mom yet. Perfect timing, Mom walked through the door and said that Jade had left her a note. Jade said it would be better for Faith and Natalie if we said good-bye here at the farm.
Not sure where her logic was in that, but maybe I wasn't paying very close attention. I was still trying to wrap my mind around the thought that my cousin and best friend was leaving.
Mom asked her why she was leaving, and Jade pointed out that, though she'd been asked to stop lying, she hadn't. She that after seeing what happened with Cleo, she realized this wasn't the kind of life she wanted to live. She said she felt bad about everything she'd done. It sounded like she was trying to punish herself for the lies she'd told; when I voiced this thought, she said no, that she'd called her adoptive parents, and they were willing to take her course, Mom said she was happy for Jade and hugged her. Jade said she knew she'd understand, but pointed out that she wasn't so sure I would. I was already taking pretty hard and she hadn't even left yet, so I guess her point was well made.
I told her I understood, I just didn't like it. I still don't. This leaves me with my parents and Aaron to talk to about my life. Somehow, I thought I'd be having more conversation with Aaron than my parents, or I'd like to at least, but I hardly get to see my older brother much. Definitely not as much as I'd like to. But that's getting a bit off track.
I was a bit taken aback when Jade said it was my fault. She said she'd watched me grow up. I hadn't realized I'd grown up that much. I guess it's like when people say that the last time they saw you, you were a foot shorter. You don't notice or remember growing, but the people around you notice. Jade said she thought it was time she grew up as well.
She told me to leave because she couldn't say good-bye to both of us at once. I only hugged her and told her that I wasn't going to say good-bye, because I could still visit her and talk to her over the phone. We weren't going to be complete strangers just because she was moving away.
While I was still able to hold my composure over the situation, I kissed her shoulder and walked, practically ran, out the door.
I spent most of the rest of the day writing for "Invisible Girl." I had enough new material to keep me busy writing for quite a while.
It was around lunchtime, I think, and I thought I'd take the script to Noah and Maddie. So I was on my way down to the station to find them….when I found them. They were sitting outside on a bench. Kissing.
I just froze where I was standing and stared at them. I don't know why, but it hurt even worse than seeing them in bed together in Branson. I guess because when I saw them in Branson, they were just….there. Everything that had happened was only implied. But when I saw them sitting there kissing, nothing was implied anymore. It was all happening right in front of me, and no matter how much I wanted it to stop, it wouldn't.
I left after that. I could come back later and give them the script. When they weren't busy….
Pushing this thought out of my mind proved easier than anything else. Probably because I was trying to focus on Jade at the moment. And partly because I knew it was over then. I would have better luck being struck by lightning in every country of the world than to have any kind of a chance with Noah.
A familiar voice met my ears as I entered the studio, and it only took a moment for me to realize the voice was talking about me. Maddie was asking Noah if I maybe had something called talent? Of course I had to make my entrance, telling her that that's exactly what it's called.
Noah voiced his surprise that I was even there, while Maddie proceeded to show me the amazing writing they had done for "Invisible Girl." A blank sheet of paper. Very original, I must say.
So, I showed them my notepad, stuffed with papers I had sketched out some ideas on, and printed off a rough script. I said it was a few ideas, and Noah pointed out that it was a ton. I guess it did look like a ton, but I mentioned that he didn't know what it was a ton of yet. It could be a ton of crappy writings for all they knew. Hell, most of it was crappy writings in my opinion. But it always seemed like the more I hated my work, the more they loved it.
Noah asked what got me writing this time, and I couldn't say anything. I just looked at him and felt the corner of my mouth raise in a half smile. But I knew I couldn't reply to him. I didn't trust my voice enough to speak, or my mind to invent a good enough lie.
Yeah, what got me writing was something I'd had to focus on all day, no matter how I hated to. I guess that's why the memory wasn't bothering me as much right now. I had let down every barrier trying to push back that memory, so now the floodgates had let loose, and whatever beings had wanted me to think about it were satisfied for the moment.
Maddie and Noah were talking about how great the story was, and saying they wanted to start on it immediately. I was shocked to say the least. I knew the would like it; they liked everything I wrote no matter how much I hated it myself, but I didn't think they would want to start shooting it now. That paper was only a draft, I still had some parts of it I had wanted to edit a bit, but it looked like I wouldn't get the chance.
After Noah told me not to be modest about the story, he asked me to help him with something. I didn't really need to be alone with him right now, but I couldn't think of a plausible excuse not to, so I just got up and followed him to a corner of the room, where he pointed out that he didn't actually need a hand with anything; he just wanted to ask me something and didn't want Maddie to be thinking about it.
He asked if the girl should be crying at the end of the scene. My answer was quick and definite. No. She didn't need to be crying. I explained to Noah that the girl knew that crying didn't make anything better. It was the truth and was the only explanation needed.
If I cried about seeing them, it would only make things seem worse than they actually are. Or rather, it would only make me look like I'm feeling more sorry for myself than I actually am. Because I'm not feeling sorry for myself at all. I'm just going through it. There isn't anything I can do but go through it. Plus then I'd draw attention to myself and I couldn't lie convincingly to them if I started tearing up every time they decided to….well never mind. Anyway, I couldn't tell them the whole reason Invisible Girl wasn't crying. I never will be able to tell them the whole truth behind most of the tale. My voice or anything else could give away the fact that this is truly my life at the moment. So I just kept the incriminating and unnecessary details to myself and tried hard to remember that I was just going through this and that this all should be over soon. At least I hope so.
I told Noah I had some stuff I had to do, but promised to come back. I had to come back and see my words put into our first shoot after all, so I just told him I'd see the finished project after they were done.
My chest tightened and my breath froze as he put a hand on my shoulder, smiling and saying that the story was really great. I saw those blue eyes locked on mine and that soft smile as he complimented my work. Damn I can't believe how much he torments me without even realizing it!
I kept my threatening grin at a suppressed smile until I turned my back on him, and called back a farewell to Maddie in probably the most cheerful tone I'd used all day.
It was probably a few hours later, and I was pretty sure they'd had time to finish shooting a two minute segment by now. So I decided I'd better keep my promise and head over to the studio to see how it had turned out. As soon as I walked in the door, however, I regretted the decision.
The two stood there kissing. Again. Did they have no shame in PDA? Did no one believe in privacy anymore? Really. As if everyone in the station wanted to see them kissing every time they walked into a room. OK, maybe I was biased……but still.
I stood there for a few moments in silence, deciding to myself that if they didn't realize I was there in about fifteen seconds I would just leave. But, probably right on the fifteen second target, they broke apart and Maddie looked over at me.
She said the segment turned out great, and Noah picked up the camera to show it to me. Maddie was talking about how it hadn't been too good the first time, but Noah told her to do it again, and just told me to see what I thought of it.
Before he started the clip, Noah looked up at me and smiled that damn addictive, crooked smile again as he put a hand on my shoulder, saying that they'd done it exactly as I'd said to. I think he said something after that, but concentration came difficultly when his hand was resting on my shoulder like that.
We watched the first take. It honestly sounded like Maddie was whining to the camera. Not exactly my vision. Then Noah started the second take of it. He was watching the video, but I couldn't help but look up at him as the first words of the clip started, "I see the guy that I love." I smiled just slightly and looked back at the video, watching Maddie pour out every thought that had been running through my mind since the day I realized I liked Noah.
The second time, she'd done it perfectly. Every thought and emotion I had put into words on that paper had come out in this clip. So maybe it wouldn't be too hard for people to get into a two minute segment. I guess basing it on real life helps a bit.
After they talked about how much better it was the second time, and saying it was because of what I'd told Noah earlier, Maddie suggested we celebrate 'our greatness' over pizza, but I said I couldn't come. I'd gotten behind on the work I'd meant to do at home because I'd written the script, but told them to go. Maddie pointed out that by 'our greatness,' she actually just meant me, and I laughed a bit with them, but still told them to go and have fun. I'm sure they wanted some alone time without me anyways.
After I practically forced them out the door, I thanked them, and said that the clip had turned out exactly how I'd pictured it. Maddie told me she had her cell in case I changed my mind about pizza, but I knew I wouldn't. I really didn't want to be around the two lovebirds any longer than necessary.
They started to leave, but Noah stopped just as he was at the door and turned back to me, saying that watching the clip had given him an idea. That the girl could do a sort of monologue, telling what it is about this guy that she likes so much. Then he left after Maddie.
A really good idea. What I like about Noah isn't really something I need to be focusing on, but it would make a great plotline for the next segment of the story. The only problem was where to begin.
