Disclaimer: Naruto is drawn and written by a fantastically splendid, wonderfully cute, and very talented manga artist: the Masashi Kishimoto. (And Kishimoto-san, if you are, by the slimmest chance, reading this and somehow understanding the English, please elope with me; I will bring the bags of onigiri.)

Chapter Rating: PG-13

Author's Note: I must say, I really like writing the girls in this. When Girls evolve into Fangirls, they are like pokemon – they suddenly get more vicious. Lol, Inner Sakura and Inner Hinata for the win!

Oh, as of late, I must also add this: SASUKE IS A DICK. HATEHATEHATEHATEKILLKILLKILL...

My E-mail: rosesareblue at ymail dot com (Write me with any comments or suggestions. Remember, there's nothing like feedback that improves an author's moral/writing.)

/ D E A D / L A S T /

By Rosesareblue

Chapter Seven: The Key

"Come on! You guys can't ignore me forever!"

"Did you hear something, Hinata?" Sakura said pointedly, taking a savage bite of her apple.

"No…" Hinata replied primly, gingerly wiping the corners of her lips with her napkin. "But it might have been… an awful sort of person who…"

"Who didn't even LIKE Naruto in the first place, but SUDDENLY changed her mind like a TOTAL TRAITOR. Yea, I completely agree." Sakura spat out, pieces of apple going flying over her lunch.

"I never said I didn't like Naruto! I just liked Shikamaru better."

"THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID NO TO HIS CONFESSION, YOU BENEDICT ARNOLD, YOU JUDAS!" The pink-haired girl shrieked, finally turning around to glare at her ex-best friend. Ino was sitting off in a corner of the classroom because her three dearest friends had declared that not only would they never speak to her again, but kinda implied they would rip her apart with their bare hands if she got too close to them.

"It was… very crude of you… to accept his offer after… all those mean things… you said last night! Especially when… you are someone else's fan!" Hinata hissed, her usually gentle white eyes round with passion. "And when Naruto fans… like us… were there to witness it..."

"AS ANOTHER DEAD LAST FAN, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ARE GIVING UP ON SHIKAMARU JUST BECAUSE HE HAS SOME BITCH GIRLFRIEND." Sakura went on, hollering. "I STILL LOVE NARUTO EVEN WHEN SOME TRAITOR PIG BUTT IN!"

The pink-haired girl's rant was met with a chorus of agreement from every other girl in the classroom, all of whom whipped around to glare daggers at a blushing Ino.

"Did-did none of you see how Naruto confessed to me?" Ino babbled, her face growing redder and redder in a mix of humiliation and anger. "How can any living, breathing girl resist someone who looks and acts like that? Dumb as he acts sometimes, he's that Uzumaki Naruto for pete's sakes! The Dead Last vocal! You have to understand, please… S-Sasuke?!"

When the blonde Madonna turned pleading eyes on the silent brunette, a hush fell over the room. Sasuke had been sitting absolutely still, eating her lunch almost mechanically with her eyes flickering fast from black to angry red. Finally, at Ino's plea, the tall girl slammed her chopsticks down and rose from her seat.

Deathly quiet, Sasuke stated without much elaboration, "You fuck with Naruto and I will kill you."

"I – I won't." Ino stammered. "I told him yes and – and I meant it. I really do! I will be his girlfriend – a good girlfriend!"

"That's it, then." Not saying anything more, the raven-haired girl stalked from the room. Sakura and Hinata winced after her.

"Gee, I knew Sasuke-chan was a Naruto fan but…" Sakura bit her lips. "That was… um… WOW."

Hinata bobbed her head, her cropped hair falling in front of her eyes. "She must be… so very hurt."

That said, both girls turned to glower meaningfully at Ino, who blurted, "I am sorry, I am sorry! I am a Naruto fan from this morning on, okay?! Will you forgive me now?"

"No, that just makes it worse. Why are you going out with him when I obviously liked him for longer?" Sakura snapped as Hinata, nodding dutifully, rolled her pearly eyes in exasperation. The classroom resumed eating their lunches/ignoring a desperate Ino.


Sasuke leaned on the railing, looking down at the school grounds below. He was on the rooftop once again, trying to find the familiar blond head and object of his brooding to no avail. All he heard were random high pitched shrieks of protest coming from the open window of his own classroom; from the sound of it, Sakura and Hinata were communicating their grudge with Ino more physically now. Two on one. It was hardly fair…

…that Sasuke wasn't there to help crush that Itachi-like traitor.

An annoying voice at the back of his mind was chiding his fury with Ino. That voice was taunting: Wasn't Sasuke angry with Ino simply because he didn't want to be mad at Naruto himself? After all, it was the vocalist who had chosen Ino over him – without any good reason too. Ino was Shikamaru's fan. And she wasn't even nice to Naruto. Granted, Sasuke was a tad bitchy too – maybe – but he'd never say all that slander like some dumb, loud, obnoxious girl –

Sasuke stopped in mid-thought. Maybe that was it. Ino was a girl. A girl among girls. And Sasuke wasn't. Even the dobe must have sensed something was wrong…

But it was no use being angry with his idol. Naruto had to be perfect because Sasuke needed him to be. Sasuke's entire life was like his room now; if the beautiful blond boy was taken away, it would become totally barren, shamefully naked. There was no way Sasuke could go back.

So, much better to devise a plan to accidentally-on-purpose push Yamanaka Ino off a cliff…

"Is that you, Sasuke sempai?"

If he hadn't been an Uchiha, Sasuke would have jumped at the sudden intrusion.

"How often do you trespass here to ditch class?" The oh-so-erotic voice went on. "Mou, you are almost as bad as me!"

The Uchiha didn't turn around, afraid that he might (for some alien reason unbeknownst to him) look hurt. Instead, he pushed his long bangs in front of his eyes and said without looking back, "Wha-what are you doing here, dobe?"

Naruto rushed up besides the raven-haired boy, leaning close to peer carefully at his face. The dobe's sky blue eyes twinkled mischievously, a little bit out of place against the blackened lashes. The contrast made the usuratonkachi seem like… like some spirit of a sunny, cute child peering out from the accidental body of a sensual, masculine boy. That dangerous dichotomy was just stunning – period. And Sasuke had to remember that it was this boy's job to go up on stage and be adored by a million eyes for his raw beauty.

"Getting away from my classmates, of course." The vocalist was saying somewhat smugly, seemingly unmindful of the other's hungry eyes. "They are giving me hell for dating the prettiest girl in school – but that was to be expected, ne?"

"You like… pretty girls, dobe?" Sasuke pointedly looked off into the distance, because that made it seem like he didn't care.

Naruto laughed at that. "No duh. I am a guy. Of course I like 'em!"

"Oh." The raven-haired boy muttered.

"Although…" The blond tapped his lip.

"Although…?" Sasuke wanted to know, straightening up.

"I think I go for the sexy type a bit more than the pretty type." Naruto answered, almost apologetically. "Ne, I wonder if that makes me a lech like Kakashi sensei…"

The Uchiha sulked, sitting down and leaning his back on the railing, "I don't know, dobe."

"So… what type do you like, Sasuke sempai?" Naruto wanted to know, sitting down next to him. "Or, uh, do you never think about that kinda stuff?"

"I don't like girls for one thing." Sasuke stated dryly.

The blond vocalist snickered at that, exclaiming, "Really...?!"

The raven-haired boy dropped his head against his knees, sighing. "Why are we talking about this at all, dobe. I don't give a damn."

"Gee, someone's in a mood today." Naruto started to joke and stopped short when he got a good look at Sasuke's face. "Hey, wait a minute… are you mad at me, Sasuke sempai? You kinda look… angry."

When Sasuke's head instantly snapped back up, Naruto flinched.

"Whoa, you are mad? At me, right? Holy shit, did I, uh, maybe do something to you at my apartment while I was drunk? Is that it?"

The Uchiha dropped his head again. Gawd, why did he even bother?? "No, idiot. You just fell asleep. I moved you into your bedroom and slept in the guest room."

If Sasuke felt at all guilty about this very edited version of the story, no twitch of expression revealed it. After ranting about his precious person (that in his own drunken state, the Uchiha had dared to think was himself), the inebriated Naruto had pitched forward and fallen asleep with his nose buried against Sasuke's shoulder. After shaking him furiously (yelling something like "get to the part where you say you like men, damn you") and realizing the blonde was out cold, the Uchiha forced himself to remain on the moral high ground by not stripping and raping this oblivious guy of his dreams. Instead, Sasuke had settled for jacking off to the sight of Naruto passed out on the leather couch with most of his shirt unbuttoned (it had come undone in all that shaking).

However, the raven-haired boy had felt minimal guilt at using the actual blond to masturbate with in front of the smiling pictures of said blond's deceased parents (after all, Sasuke should make a good first impression since he planned to be their future son-in-law). So, the Uchiha had whisked Naruto into the bedroom, ripped off the bothersome shirt, given himself a hand job while ogling his half-naked idol, and gone off to the guest room to convince himself that he was not pathetic while simultaneously counting half-naked Narutos jumping over a fence.

But, of course, it was not necessary to tell Naruto all this – especially because said dobe was now going off on how remarkably strong and agile Sasuke must be to be able to carry him to his bed without his waking. All this was said with the same mouth that had just proclaimed to liking pretty and sexy. And Sasuke would despise the sonuvabitch if he didn't love him so terribly much…

"Naruto?"

Sasuke didn't realize he had called out to the blond till said boy stopped yapping and blinked at the sudden serious tone of the raven-haired boy's voice. "Hmm?"

"Is Ino… is this Ino thing part of the… um… the pretend girlfriend plan?" The Uchiha heir said slowly, so that he wouldn't betray that this supposition was his last dear hope. "Or do you, uh, actually like her?"

Naruto's wide blue eyes instantly narrowed. "What? Of course I like her for real! I thought that was obvious!"

"I was just wondering dobe…" Sasuke sighed, leaning his head back against the railing. Damn. Damn.

There was an awkward silence in which one Uchiha Sasuke was bitterly disappointed and one Uzumaki Naruto was bitterly offended – though both struggled to hide it. At last, the blond snapped out of it first. Taking a sideways peek at his broody companion, Naruto cleared his throat.

"Oh, so, I forgot to give this to you this morning with all that was going on."

"Hnnn?" Sasuke looked up from glowering, to see Naruto fishing over a small wrapped box. The bow was simple silver; the wrapping paper shiny blue. On instinct, he snapped, "What the fuck is this? Are you possessed, dobe?"

"And I love you too, sempai." Naruto joked. "Open it, open it!"

Maybe it was Sasuke who was possessed because, for some mysterious reason, he didn't want to rip the bow or the paper. Doing his best to ignore Naruto's urgings, he slowly peeled off the wrappings and opened the box. Inside, on the end of a silver chain, there was a key.

"You thought I would forget because I was super wasted," Naruto quipped. "But I totally remembered. Here it is!"

"Here is what?" The Uchiha asked, carefully taking out the delicate chain and staring at the key curiously.

"The key to my apartment." The blond vocalist said, as if that was no big deal. "Top secret, okay? Don't let anyone else have it, ne?"

Sasuke snorted away the unnecessary warnings and put the thin chain over his head, all the while saying contrary things, "And why the hell are you giving this to me, dobe?"

Naruto was surprised by the very question: "Isn't it obvious? You don't get along with your father so I kinda thought you might like coming home to someplace else once in a while. Have one of the spare rooms at my place. There are randomly several toilets too, so you can take your pick."

"You just want someone to cook you high cholesterol food and clean up your shit, usuratonkachi." Sasuke muttered – though, truth be told, he would have gladly done all that and more for that key hanging against his chest.

The blond vocalist merely found the retort amusing. "Get real, Sasuke sempai. I have a guy come by every other day to stick some meals in the fridge and do most of the cleaning. I am giving that to you because…" An adorable, impish grin appeared on the dobe's pink lips. "…we are friends."

That took the Uchiha by surprise, making him choke, "I-is that what we are?"

"The best of friends." Naruto assured him, leaping to his feet and dusting himself off. "I never was so honest with anyone like I was with you last night. Granted, I was severely drunk... but still! It's gotta count for something, right?"

With that, Naruto reached down to help Sasuke to his feet. The Uchiha, careful to angle his head away so that his blush wasn't too evident, took the blond vocalist's hand. But instead of letting himself be gently tugged up, the raven-haired boy yanked the dobe towards him so that the smaller boy pitched into his lap with a startled cry.

"You are so klutzy, usuratonkachi." Sasuke whispered, hugging Naruto's shoulders. "Get off me."

"I am trying but – hey, what are you doing! Let go, Sasuke sempai?!" The blonde protested, struggling against the raven-haired boy's possessive grip. "Now that I gave you the key, I wanna go see Ino sempai!"

And the Uchiha answered quietly enough that the other boy couldn't hear, "Don't go, dobe. Stay with me instead."


Sasuke stretched out on his bed, angling his laptop screen down with his foot as he continued to fold another shirt into his suitcase. It was 5:07 pm and he was home and already packing to move into Naruto's house (since Uchihas are just so time efficient like that!). Playing on his laptop that minute was one of the several hundred video clips online featuring the insanity that had happened after school – proof that all of Konoha had now probably heard about the new celeb couple. The Uchiha heir scowled as Ino's face flashed across his screen. She wasn't too terrible looking… for a female chimp.

Yamanaka had decided before the day was done to fix herself up a bit (perhaps after the eleventh passerby had snapped a not-so-secret cell phone picture of her and snickered outright) and take a shower in the girl's locker room. Sakura had made a big scene when she outright refused to lend her now officially ex-BFF their favorite Strawberry Sparkle Body Wash from her locker. Hinata, too, had suddenly grown stingy about her fifty thousand yen shampoo. Of course, Sasuke hadn't made a scene (since Uchihas just didn't work that way), though he did cause some difficulty for the blonde girl by using her towel to wipe up a mess – outside – that he had made – on purpose – but why go into so much detail?

Maybe it was because Yamanaka Ino's long sunwashed hair was spilling over her shoulders and not in the normal cheerleader ponytail, because she wasn't wearing her usual flashy touches of makeup, or because she was scrunching her shoulders in (away from all the girls who turned feral when she passed) – but Miss Konoha looked rather tiny on footage, especially next to a beaming Naruto who dominated each shot. Yesterday's boisterousness seemingly MIA, the poor girl was reduced to eep-ing and uh-huh-ing as her rock star boyfriend ranted on and on…

Pitiful, bitch, just pitiful. Uchiha Sasuke would never fumble like that. Never. Period.

As Sasuke couldn't help but appreciate the fact that whoever had filmed this kept zooming in for a close up of Naruto's face, the couple exited the school gates and was greeted by a throng of reporters knocking heads with protruding mikes and swirling cameras. Ino ducked behind Naruto – don'ttouchhimwhoredon'ttouch himwhoredon'ttouchhimwhore… - as questions started flying violently:

"WHAT WAS YOUR PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIP WITH UZUMAKI-SAN, YAMANAKA-SAN? ARE YOU IN IT FOR THE FAME? THE MONEY?"

"HI, WE REPRESENT CELEBRITY PINK – WHERE DID YOU MEET? WHO CONFESSED? HOW FAR DO YOU INTEND TO GO?"

"ARE YOU TRYING TO BRING BACK THE BEDHEAD LOOK, YAMANAKA-SAN? WE'VE RECEIVED SOME PICTURES THAT MAKE US WONDER – "

"WHAT IS SEX LIKE WITH UZUMAKI-SAN? HOW GOOD IS IT, SCALE OF ONE TO TEN? CAN YOU TELL US A BIT IN DETAIL??"

As Sasuke was strangling a guiltless sock, one of the reporters reached for a bewildered Ino. Only then did Naruto, who had till then been happily flashing V's all around, spring to action; fluidly pushing the offending hand aside, the blond grabbed the nearest mike and boomed into it: "Hey guys. No touching, just looking, all right? Touching is my job."

At the vocal's bold remark, the lifeless sock fell from a shocked Sasuke's grasp. Similarly, whoever was filming this dropped her camera in surprise and unleashed a stream of curse words (mainly about Ino) that would have killed a sailor. After a bit of fumbling, the camera was resurrected and Sasuke saw the reporters, now with greedy eyes, resume the hounding full force:

"YAMANAKA-SAN, WOULD YOU SAY UZUMAKI-SAN WAS THE POSSESSIVE TYPE – "

"HOW DO YOU TWO KEEP IT HOT – "

"ARE YOU BOTHERED BY ANY OF THE SCANDALOUS RUMORS FROM UZUMAKI-SAN'S PAST – "

"WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BRAND OF LIP GLOSS, YAMANAKA-SAN?!"

The rest of the interrogation was cut off by the (always) abrupt appearance of the famous black van, which may or may not have run over some of the reporters on the periphery the crowd (all that "blood" could be somebody's spilled ketchup, after all). As Kakashi worked his magic ninja moves ("HEY, LOOK OVER THERE!!"), one stone-faced Chouji nearly hurled one excitedly gesticulating Naruto into the van over the heads of the distracted reporters while one cursing Kiba urged one relieved Ino to get on board too. Seconds later, the van was burning rubber down the streets (this time crushing only one stray cameraman beneath its wheels). The clip captured about seven hundred and twenty-two cell phones and cameras flashing after the retreating van before ending with a Dead Last fansite address and a plea not to upload the film elsewhere (oops, too bad, it was already on "anatatube") and for donations (yeah right).

Sasuke growled as he shoved his laptop to one side and fell backwards onto his bed. The raven-haired boy looked up at his favorite poster of Naruto over his bed and whispered savagely, "You are a fucking idiot, Naruto. Why Ino? Out of all the god awful choices, why that bitch who spewed all that crap about you?"

Groaning, the Uchiha buried his face into pillow and dragged out Naruto's gift from his pocket. The silver key glittered in the fluorescent light, so pretty, so very pretty.

"You have bad taste. You are so stubborn. You don't know what you really want. And I bet you just want attention."

Sasuke menacingly shook the key.

"And I know all of it because… you remind me of me, dobe. You remind me of me, somehow."

What the fuck was this? Uchiha Sasuke and unrequited love just did not belong in the same sentence – paragraph – book. Gawd, but if he didn't have a penis, Sasuke could very well be the star of a third-class cheesy romance manga right about now… well screw that. Screw Naruto. Screw Ino. And screw all of mankind too for good measure. The Uchiha furiously flung the key away, so that it cracked something into bits before falling behind his dresser.

Seconds later, Sasuke found himself on his hands and knees sliding his hand around in dust for the key. What the fuck was he thinking? If he didn't haul his ass over to Naruto's apartment this instant, Ino might steal more of what was rightfully Sasuke's (i.e. Naruto's virginity – since the Uchiha's mind wouldn't even let itself toy with the possibility that the blond was not). Adrenaline kicking in, Sasuke hurled his entire dresser to one side and unearthed the precious key.

There was still hope. As long as he had this, there was still hope…

…and if not, he would just kill Ino and revel in her mutilated body. Yep. She'd deserve it too. Speaking of vengeance, Sasuke should probably leave that asshole who dared share his blood (a.k.a. Uchiha Itachi) a note or something saying he wouldn't be around for about… forever. Not that even his father could stop him from moving in with Naruto, but Sasuke wanted to remind the bastard that he was in no way backing out from the humiliating bet now that he'd come so far. The Uchiha heir would make it through high school as a female – and, on his graduation day, ram his cock up Naruto's ass on the school roof (and yes, he was going to be inappropriately explicit about it, thanks). It would be celebratory sex, commemorating the day that Sasuke would be stripped of the cursed Uchiha name, the demeaning female getup, and, if all went well, his freedom to have all the gay sex he wanted with his idol (who would by then have realized that he was one, gay, two, loved Sasuke and conveniently wished "she" were a "he," and three, realized Ino was better off steamrollered).

Feeling marginally better now that he had his game plan laid out, Sasuke did something he had done exactly thrice in his life so far (once when his mother passed away, once to leave a note before going off to boarding school, and once to declare his intentions to be an actor): visit Itachi's office. Finding that his father wasn't in, the relieved Uchiha heir scrawled a quick note ("Moving out. Will still honor deal. Sasuke.") and was about to hurry away when a gust of wind blew his note and several sheets of paper from Itachi's mahogany desk.

Cursing under his breath, Sasuke deftly recovered the loose leafs and anchored them down with paperweights that looked like the Uchiha emblem. The wind was coming from the open door of an adjacent room – one he'd never noticed before. But then, Sasuke doubted he'd been inside half the rooms in the dojo. Entering the foreign enclave, seemingly some cushy sitting room, the raven-haired boy slammed shut the open window and whirled around to leave…

And froze. Absolutely froze.

The silk of golden brown skin, glistening with sweat. The long slender legs in a feline crouch, ready to pounce. The redness of the protruding tongue sliding against the back of that handsome hand, those tapered fingers. The famous jade necklace swinging against the naked chest and accented collarbone. The white fur, shocking against the sun-kissed skin, covering just enough – just barely enough. The pointy ears emerging out of the head full of bright yellow locks. And the two huge, dewy eyes the color of electricity.

The poster of Neko Naruto stared down at Sasuke from the wall of Itachi's private room.

"Why…" The Uchiha reeled in a faltering breath. "Why are you here, dobe?"


A/N: Please REVIEW!! I'll have the next chapter out after I hear back from a bunch of you guys, ne :D. Naruto hearts! Rosesareblue.