Falling in love was major. It changed everything, because up until then... I felt like there was a part of me that was like, "I don't understand something about life, like a big thing." I listened to these songs on the radio or CDs or I'd see these musicals about people being in love with each other and what that feels like and what heartbreak feels like and the joy of what love is and I had sex but I'd never been in love and just didn't get it. It was really interesting because during and after that relationship, everything changes. It's like, "Oh, that's what they were talking about." I thought that was so corny before and now I am crying because I totally identify with what that feels like. So that was a big turning point for personal growth.
- Adam Lambert, interview with Fred Bronson, August 2009


CHAPTER SEVEN

Adam was cheerful and chatty in the shower afterwards, but Puck didn't know him well enough to be sure if that was actually how he was feeling or if he was just trying to keep the mood light. He talked about the music awards coming up that evening, and his band, and the dancers they'd hired just that week to dance in his music video. "It's hot," he said, smiling wickedly at Puck, the spray from the shower soaking his hair. "You're going to love it."

"No doubt," Puck grinned back. He passed the soap to Adam and switched places with him, taking his turn under the water. "Is there a snake in it?"

"A snake?" Adam looked perplexed.

"Sure. Every sexy music video needs a snake. It's, like, a rule."

Adam considered this, running his hands over Puck's back. "Huh. I think I could do something about that."

The sense of unreality was heavy on Puck as he dried off, leaving Adam to soak in the shower a little longer. The hotel bathroom was far too fancy, every detail unfamiliar. He hadn't even brought his toothbrush. The only thing he had with him that belonged to him, aside from the clothes he'd worn there, was his guitar. He slowly pulled on his shorts and jeans, feeling the ache deep inside to match the bruises on his backside, and wondered if he'd still feel either one by the time he made it back to Ohio. He hoped he would.

When Adam came out from the bathroom, toweling his hair dry, Puck was on the sofa, playing random chord progressions. He gave Adam a faint smile and paused to hand Adam the CD he'd given him the night before. "I realized that I wouldn't have anything to tell me I hadn't just imagined the whole thing, after I left," he said. "Do you think you could sign this?"

Adam's face went soft, and he touched Puck's head with tender care. "Of course," he said, draping the towel over the back of the sofa. He dug in the box on the counter and came up with a purple permanent marker. "I can do that."

Puck let the chords drift into Kurt's melody, and he hummed along. He wondered if Kurt had ever mentioned Adam to him before. The thought was a little strange, but somehow he suspected Kurt knew who he was. Out, gay, sparkly singer. Yeah - that's for Kurt. "Can you put Kurt's name, too?" he asked.

"Hmm," Adam said, surveying what he'd written, and chuckled. "I imagine he'd be a little confused if I said this to him, seeing as how we've never even met." But he scribbled something else on the booklet of the CD and handed it back to Puck.

For Noah, who reminded me why the music matters, and gave me the greatest gift a man can receive. Just remember you are not alone in the aftermath. Love, always – Adam.

Kurt – take a step and fall into the glitter – Adam.

"God," said Puck, stubbornly refusing to give into the tears that threatened to fall. "The two of you are going to be ridiculous together."

"Oh, yeah?" Adam smiled, sitting next to him on the sofa. Puck gave an emphatic nod.

"Way too much sparkly shit. I'm serious. I'm gonna have to wear sunglasses or something."

Adam's laughter was as bright as his smile. He nudged Puck's foot. "You've got that guitar out for a reason? Who's making music for whom here?"

"No particular reason." He strummed the chords of Kurt's melody, letting them settle into him, feeling the way they hit him a little differently now. "I like to play when I'm feeling nervous."

"Do I make you nervous?"

"No," Puck said, "no, it's not you. It's me." The words filtered through the music, through himself, and he struggled to make sense of them. "I'm… going back to the way things were, back in Ohio. They're going to be the same as they were when I left. Everything's still fucked up. But I'm different. I'm… changed, somehow. You know?" He put a hand on Adam's knee. "You did that."

Adam gazed at him solemnly. "I think we did it together, honey."

"Yeah," Puck said, equally solemn. He cocked his head. "Do you feel different, too?"

Adam looked away for a moment, and Puck watched a whole host of emotions flicker over his face – sadness, and resignation, and a hint of bitterness. "I do," he finally said. "I'm having a little trouble with it, actually."

Puck watched him in silence. Then he said, "Want to sing me something from your CD? I'm a little curious to hear what's on it, but I wasn't sure if that would be totally weird, playing your CD with you right here."

"Why don't you save that for after you go home," he said, his smile faint. "But yes, I'll sing for you. I've got just the song. Capo 3."

Adam sorted through his music and pulled out the tablature, laying it out on the coffee table in front of Puck. "This one's about the love you have for yourself," he said. He walked Puck through the chord changes, noting tempo changes and pauses. Puck felt the intimacy of his gaze as he began:

http:/ www. youtube. com/watch?vPRDBa8uP0z4

Have you lost your way
Living in the shadow of the messes that you made
And so it goes
Everything inside your circle starts to overflow

Take a step before you leap
Into the colors that you seek
You'll get back what you give away
So don't look back on yesterday

Wanna scream out
No more hiding
Don't be afraid of what's inside
Gonna tell ya you'll be all right
In the aftermath

Anytime anybody pulls you down
Anytime anybody says you're not allowed
Just remember you are not alone
In the aftermath

Adam's effortless voice, soaring up to the high notes, took his breath away, and he felt a sense of anxiety he hadn't expected at Adam singing to him today. Yeah, I'll be all right. Doesn't mean I have to like it. He just wanted to lose himself in Adam, to forget all the other responsibilities and promises and people in his life, and immerse himself in the world of hotels and music and hot sex and everything Adam had become for him. But Adam's steady gaze, boring into him, gave him a reason, if not an inclination, to claim those responsibilities and do something about them.

You feel the weight
Of lies and contradictions that you live with every day
It's not too late
Think of what can be if you rewrite the role you play

Before you break you have to shed your armor
Take a trip and fall into the glitter
Tell a stranger that they're beautiful
So all you feel is love, love
All you feel is love, love

Adam's hand came up and touched his cheek, and Puck stopped playing for a moment, letting himself feel that. All you feel is love.

"You are beautiful," Adam said.

"I'm not a fucking stranger," Puck observed, and Adam smiled.

"No," he agreed. "Not anymore." He gathered up the music and stacked it neatly.

"Hey, I wasn't done," Puck said. "There was another chorus."

"Honey, you can hear it any time you want. The CD version's a little more polished, but it's pretty much the same." He shook his head, grinning. "Really, though, I think you're going to like the title track best. It might feel a little... familiar."

Puck grinned back. "I kind of felt that already, with the first two you sang. Holy shit. It's like the songwriter got into my head and wrote it all down."

"Seriously, I know," Adam effused, in such a Kurt-like expression that Puck had to pause and blink a bit to clear his head. "I swear, I'm going to call Alecia up - Pink - and tell her about this weekend, just so she'll know how her songs seem to be running parallel to my life. Glitter in the Air? Totally not even written for me, but somehow, it was."

Then Adam reached out and touched Puck's guitar. "I'd like you to sing something for me, now. We only have a few more minutes. Would you give me a song to hold in my heart, before I have to get on that plane?"

Puck nodded. "Sure. Are you nervous about the performance?"

"Honestly? Not really. I like performing; it's fun. I pretty much throw myself into whatever it is I'm doing, if you hadn't already figured that out."

"I can relate," Puck said, stroking the curved body of his Taylor. "Well... okay. Here's one I was going to sing in Glee before leaving town, but I never got to perform it. My mom died, and everything had gone to shit, and I just figured I'd forget it. It's a Gershwin song. You know him?"

"Noah," Adam said, patiently. "I've done professional musical theater since I was ten. And I'm gay. Yes, I know Gershwin."

"Really? You did, like, musicals and stuff?" Puck was arrested by the idea. "What did you do?"

"Hmmm," Adam said, peering at him from black-lined eyes. "Some shows you wouldn't have heard of. Finian's Rainbow, back when I was only a little older than you, right after I quit college. Hair - I toured with that show in Europe."

"No kidding," Puck said, laughing, leaning on his guitar. "Our show choir director had us do a mashup of Crazy in Love and Hair. We wore wigs and everything. It was pretty awful."

"Oh, dear," Adam said, his eyebrows expressive. "Hmmm. Show choir... really?"

"Yes, really," Puck insisted. "Glee is awesome. We went to nationals last year. You can see us on Youtube."

Adam looked bemused. "I'll look for it. I did a terrible musical with Val Kilmer called The Ten Commandments, in LA. And I understudied Fiyero in Wicked." Adam grinned. "You can find me on Youtube, too."

"Wicked - holy shit, really?" He looked incredulous, and Adam nodded affirmation. "Kurt sang that one song... Defying Gravity. He can totally do all those girl songs."

"I'd love to hear it someday," said Adam. "But right now, I want to hear you. You've got a fabulous voice, you know. Which Gershwin have you selected just for me, Noah?"

"Uh," said Puck, his ears burning, and began.

http:/ www. youtube. com/watch?v=-u4rNY4f5tE (with wrong pronouns, oh well)

There's a saying old, says that love is blind
Still we're often told, "Seek and ye shall find,"
So I'm going to seek a certain guy I've had in mind

Looking everywhere, haven't found him yet
He's the big affair I cannot forget
Only man I ever think of with regret

I'd like to add his initials to my monogram
Tell me, where's the shepherd for this lost lamb

Puck had spent the weekend avoiding looking at Adam too closely while he played the guitar, for fear of getting too caught up in the music and losing track of the guitar part, but now he found his eyes wide and blinking as he sang to him, pulled to Adam as though by an invisible tether, unable to look away.

There's a somebody I'm longing to see
I hope that he turns out to be
Someone who'll watch over me

I'm a little lamb who's lost in a wood
I know I could always be good
To one who'll watch over me

Adam looked a little floored by the line about the little lamb, and his eyes filled and spilled over as soon as Puck said the words "always be good," but Puck steadfastly kept his gaze on him, refusing to let his voice waver, even on the high notes.

Although he may not be the man that some think of as handsome
to my heart he carries the key
Won't you tell him please to put on some speed
Follow my lead, oh how I need
Someone to watch over me

He may be far, he may be nearby
I'm promising hereby
To my heart he'll carry the key

And this world would be like heaven if he'd
Follow my lead, oh how I need
Someone to watch over me

"Someone to watch -" he sang, and choked on the last line. Adam reached out and put a hand on his, on the guitar, lifted it smoothly away and laid it to the side, with precise care. Then he pulled Puck in, onto his lap, tucking him into his chest and wrapping him up, warm, safe and protected.

"God," Puck cried, bent nearly double in pain. "Oh, god, I miss him... I miss him so fucking much."

"I'm sure he misses you, honey," Adam said quietly, rocking him every so slightly. "You're a lot to give up." His hand on Puck's shoulders cradled him closer. "Shhh. It's okay. I've got you."

Puck shook his head in a panic. "Are you sure... are you sure I didn't just dream you?" He reached out a pleading hand to Adam's face, just inches from his own, but even the touch wasn't enough to reassure him. "Because you're going to leave, you're just going to fly away back to California, and I'm going back to fucking Ohio. And I'm going to be alone, again."

"No. Honey, no. You're not." Adam's calm, firm voice cut through his miasma of despair. It was nothing like Finn's, and yet, in a way, it was. "You're not going to be alone. Kurt is there, remember? And all your other lovers, they'll say the same thing. No matter where you are, we love you. Didn't Alex tell you that?"

He just settled himself closer to Adam and did what he'd done during Adam's song: let himself feel. Adam was giving him just what he needed, and he was going to soak up every bit of it before... before he had to...

"It's going to be okay, Noah," Adam said, still calm, still sure, but Puck could feel the tears dripping off Adam's face and onto his neck, sliding down under his collar.

"I need this," Puck admitted. "I need it from you. And I don't think I can get it over the phone."

Adam smiled. "I travel all over the country, Noah. I suspect, though I can't be sure when, I'll be coming through Ohio at some point."

Puck felt a stab of hope. "Really? You really think...?"

"I know it. And you can get on a plane, too, right?"

Puck felt absurdly delighted at this idea. He'd never been a plane in his life. "I could," he said, "but seriously, there's no way I could afford to fly out to you."

"Honey," Adam said, shaking his head. "I'm not thinking about money. I want to give you what you need." He backed away far enough to gather Puck's hands in his, like he was holding a bouquet of flowers. Holding them just under his chin, he kissed each hand, maintaining eye contact. Puck could feel the tension snapping between them like a rubber band.

"I know I'm not Finn," he began.

Puck shook his head. "I don't want you to be Finn," he protested.

"Let me finish." He waited for Puck to subside. Tension infiltrated his words. "If I could be that, for you, would you accept it from me?"

"Be what?"

"Someone to watch over you," Adam said quietly, his sapphire gaze intense.

Puck tried to look away, but one word - "Noah..." - from Adam stopped him, and he was caught, frozen in place.

"I'll have an answer from you, young man, yes or no," he said severely.

"Yes," he whispered.

Adam made a tiny noise, but didn't break his hold on Puck's eyes. "Yes, what?"

"Yes, Adam," Puck said, his voice cracking, and then he was crying again, the tears falling in a great wash of relief. Adam gathered him up again, holding him steady, letting him rock like a boat on the flood of his tears. He would not be washed away. He would not. Adam had given him a way to save himself.

"That's good, that's very good," murmured Adam. "Such a good boy. Yes... I can do that for you."

And Puck knew, he knew, that Adam would. He trusted him, somehow, as much as he'd ever trusted anyone, even in the face of impossible odds. He was ready to take a flying leap of faith.

"Okay," he said, scrubbing his face with his hand, "okay, I'm fucking done with these tears. This is ridiculous."

"You had a lot of days of not crying to make up for," Adam demurred. "It's all part of the process. You're doing just what you need to do, honey. Don't be hard on yourself for that." But he extracted himself from under Puck's lap, leaving him on the sofa, and returned quickly with a glass of water, a warm washcloth and a towel.

"Drink first," he said, and Puck swallowed every drop. Then he carefully washed Puck's face with the warm washcloth. Puck relaxed into the soft terry cloth and Adam's touch.

"This is sudden," Adam said, his voice as gentle as his hands. "So I know we'll both have some thinking to do. But I have a few rules. Are you ready to hear them?"

"Yes, Adam," Puck said.

"No matter what's happening, no matter where you are, or who you're with, you'll call me before you go to bed. Every night, just a call to make contact. Chances are you won't always reach me, but you can leave a message on my phone. All right?"

The stroke of the washcloth was putting him into a kind of sleepy stupor. "Yes, Adam," he said again.

"Good. Second... you'll go to synagogue, at home, at least once more before the end of your mourning period. Recite the Kaddish for your mother. Make that connection to your own community." His hand brushed over Puck's hair. "Invite your brother and sister."

"Okay."

Adam picked up the towel and dried his face. It was remarkably tender, and Puck wasn't sure he'd ever been touched with such sweet attention. I didn't even know I wanted that, he thought in amazement. Needed that.

"Third... and this one's more of a request, though if I could make you do it, I would." He smoothed Puck's skin with his hand, catching his gaze again. "When you're feeling... lost. Remember I love you. Always."

Puck tried to respond, but couldn't, and ended up just nodding. That seemed to be enough for Adam. He kissed him, lips soft, and hugged him briefly. "Good. That makes me very happy."

Adam did sound happy, even if his face was grave, and Puck was glad for it. While Puck put away his guitar, Adam called down to security to send over the airport shuttle. Puck tucked the CD carefully into his jacket pocket. When Adam came to the door, Puck was waiting for him.

"Are you ready?" he asked.

He took a single, slow breath. Trusted, just trusted. "Yeah," he said. "I think so."

"All right," he said. "I probably shouldn't come down with you, so I'll say goodbye here." He held out one hand, and Puck took it. "You'll watch the AMAs tonight?"

"Yeah," he said again. "We'll all watch."

"It'll be for you," Adam said. His gaze flickered away momentarily. "I think most everything I perform will be for you, from now on."

"It won't always be that way," Puck said. "There'll be... you'll meet other guys. And that's okay with me."

"I know, honey." Adam squeezed Puck's hand. "And if I do, please know that doesn't mean things will change between us, either. I can still be this, for you, no matter what."

Puck swallowed, once. No more tears, he reminded himself. "Thank you."

"It's my complete, absolute pleasure," Adam said. "I mean that."

He leaned in, took Puck's face in both hands, and kissed him. Puck tried to remember all the parts of this kiss, like a puzzle memory - the touch of his lips, the smell of his skin, the brush of Adam's hair against his face, the taste of his tongue. The sight of him, smiling his impossibly angelic smile.

"I don't have any pictures of you," he realized suddenly.

"We can fix that," Adam said. "Come on."

They walked out in the hallway together, which was stacked with equipment, instruments and suitcases. The crew and musicians walking by were determinedly not watching Adam and Puck, focused on getting things ready to go, but Adam put out a hand and stopped Tommy on his way by.

"Can you take a picture of us?" he said, and Tommy rolled his eyes.

"You really trust this kid?" he asked, giving him a dubious stare.

"Yes," Adam said definitively. He gathered Puck in front of him, holding him in his arms, resting his head on Puck's shoulder. "This good?" he asked Puck softly.

"Yeah," he said, feeling a stupid smile escape, and glanced up at Adam over his shoulder just as Tommy snapped the picture.

"We've got to get going," Tommy said to Adam as he handed the phone back. To Puck, he glared once more and said, "That stays off the Internet, got it?"

"Hell, yeah," Puck said, offended. "Who do you think I am?"

"I have no fucking idea," Tommy said, "but somehow I think I'm going to hear a lot about you in the next few days." He looked at Adam in stony resignation. "You're in love, aren't you?"

Adam turned Puck around to face him, one hand under his chin. "Am I?" he asked Puck.

"Yes, Adam," Puck said, and smiled.


So it would appear
I left my heart here
And it would be fair to say
I've been swept away
So move in right along
For you I wrote this song
If I'm a fool
So this fool will never be with you

- Adam Lambert, "Wonderful"