Disclaimer: The characters and past events referred to in this fanfic belong to J.K.Rowling, queen of the world. Thanks go out to Rachy and Nikki who both pointed out a few important things to me that will hopefully be addressed in this chapter. Cheers!
Chapter Seven
Feeling Ways
Draco woke the first morning of his new school career in a fit of panic. He had opened his eyes and been shocked by his strange surroundings. Red velvet boxed him in instead of the usual green silk and a strong beam of light pierced through his bed hangings in a way that nothing normal or safe would ever do in the Slytherin dungeons. It wasn't until a moment later when Draco realised that he was not in the Slytherin dungeons that he settled.
Already having leapt out of bed in his moment of panic however, Draco stood in the middle of the seventh year Gryffindor dorm room looking both embarrassed and ashamed at how he had let his guard down. He looked around coyly, hoping no one had seen his momentary lapse in self-control.
'I saw that,' said an amused, muffled voice from the bed across from his. Harry was apparently awake and ready to poke fun.
'Saw what?' Draco demanded angrily, embarrassed at letting Potter see him in such an uncontrolled state.
'Saw you leaping out of bed like the twat you are.'
'Malfoy's don't leap.'
'Nice to see you fall back so easily on the name of Malfoy, considering you only recently gave it up.'
'I never gave the name of Malfoy up … I gave my father up. There's a difference. The Malfoy name hasn't always been dirty; there was a time when we were recognised as one of the strongest and noblest wizarding families in the magical world.'
'And now,' Harry said, 'you're known for muggle and wizard killings, playing in the Dark Arts and serving Voldemort, the most despised wizard ever known.'
'Well it won't stay that way forever,' Draco said. 'Sooner or later my father will die or will be captured by Ministry wizards and then I'll make Malfoy a respectable name again.' Harry laughed. 'What?' Draco demanded. Harry nodded to Draco's midriff and Draco realised he had been making these declarations and speeches in nothing but his pyjama bottoms.
'Very respectable, Draco,' Harry said, rolling over and dropping his head back down on his pillow.
Draco stood for a moment, a gentle breeze from the open window playing across his chest, watching The Boy Who Lived lay there, his eyelids closed and fluttering gently, his face relaxed and serene. Draco had never seen Harry like this before. For some time Draco had been experiencing strange, strong emotions for Harry that he had never expected to feel for anybody else, let alone Harry Potter. Like everything else in his life, Draco had at first felt he must control and understand these emotions or else it would be inevitable that something horrible would happen. He had tried to analyse what he was feeling – perhaps it was a psychological leap to the nearest symbol of power, maybe it was an obsession with Harry as a symbol of morals and goodness, qualities he now felt he needed to achieve – but none of these had seemed to fit … they had all been too sterile and rational to explain what he had been feeling for the boy he had hated only a few years ago.
Draco had finally decided to give up trying to figure these feelings out, or else he could tell he would do his head in. But already he noted these feelings as the cause for so many changes in his life: his change of heart about how to approach muggle borns like Hermione (if Harry could be friends with them so could Draco – nay, so should Draco), his attempts to drop the persona of evil incarnate he had built up so easily, so naturally over his time at Hogwarts.
Had Draco known whether he wanted to be a better person first and then found himself liking Harry, or he had unknowingly found himself feeling these emotions for Harry first and so wanted to defect he may have been able to have uncovered the secret behind what he was now feeling, and explain more rationally to himself why he had defected in the first place, or why he was willing to give up his past so easily.
As it was, however, he had no idea which had come first, and he was left wondering what had driven him to this stage, what had been the catalyst to him standing in Gryffindor tower, almost naked bar a pair of cotton pyjama bottoms, watching Harry Potter trying to get back to sleep and finding an urgent, growing need to get back to the privacy of his covers himself.
Draco slipped back through the hangings of his new bed and fell back asleep almost instantly. The next sound he heard was a banging as Ron dropped the lid of his trunk back down. Draco grabbed his dressing gown from on top of his bedside table and stumbled back out of his bed. The light shining through the window wasn't the same impossibly bright light that comes with very early morning, but it was obvious to Draco that he was still running on time for classes.
'Arggggh!' Neville screamed from his corner of the room.
'Arggggh!' Ron and Draco both joined in, surprised by Neville's first scream.
'Whatthemeh …?' mumbled a barely awake Seamus as lurched drowsily upright in his bed.
Neville looked shyly across at Draco and Draco rolled his eyes in frustration. Living in Gryffindor house was not going to be as easy as he had first thought. Plus this was the second time he had lost control of his reactions in as many hours.
'I forgot that Draco was supposed to be here,' Neville said weakly.
'Geez, Longbottom. Get a grip!' Draco said. He had thought this was very understated and had been proud at the resistance he had shown in not calling Neville a big fat dud, but apparently not everyone in the room shared this view.
'Don't tell him to get a grip,' Seamus said, looking very bedraggled but also indignant. 'This is his dorm!'
'Mine now, too,' Draco said, meaning for it to come out casually but sounding much more antagonistic than casual.
'We could change that,' Ron said, pulling his wand from his robe pocket (he was, unusually, already dressed for the school day ahead) and pointing it squarely at Draco's chest. The door to the room opened and Harry walked in, his hair damp and flat having obviously just finished getting changed after a shower in the boy's bathroom at the top of the tower.
'What the hell are you doing, Ron?' he asked, crossing the room to where Ron was standing, wand still trained on Draco. 'We're meant to be protecting Draco, not blasting a hole through him!' Harry stood between Ron and Draco and pushed Ron's wand hand down.
'Listen,' Harry said to the room at large now. 'I know that it's a bitter pill to swallow, but this is how things have to be. Draco's a Gryffindor now, if not by choice then because McGonagall wants it that way. So you all just have to deal with it. Besides …' Harry said, his voice dropping off a little now. 'This is what Dumbledore would have wanted.'
The room remained silent for a second, but Draco saw that Seamus obviously still had something to say, and in a fashion that he assumed would become common in any future interactions he might have with Seamus in the future, the Irish boy spoke his mind bluntly and without regard for social norms. 'How would you know what Dumbledore would have wanted?' Seamus asked Harry.
'I had been talking to Dumbledore about Draco a few days earlier.' Harry mumbled. 'And I was there when he … when he died.'
'And the last thing he said was "become great mates with Draco Malfoy"?' Seamus asked doubtingly.
'No, stupid,' Harry said. 'It was just clear what Dumbledore would have wanted.
Draco thought back to that horrible time on top of the tower just before Dumbledore had been murdered. He remembered that Dumbledore had given him second chances, had offered to protect him and his family, had wanted him to defect then and there, instead of waiting until it was too late …
Seamus, uncharacteristically, Draco thought, let the matter drop.
- - - - - - -
Harry stood in the centre of the room, hoping he had diffused several future fights by bringing Dumbledore up so early in this catastrophic series of events. He had played his ace card – Dumbledore's memory – and hoped that it would be enough to get him through the doubts of at least his roommates, because he had nothing better than that to play with.
Harry looked over to Draco, who was looking back at Harry in a strange way. Harry wiped a piece of his wet hair out of his eyes and Draco broke out of his trance, turning and looking for something in his trunk. The odd moment made Harry think of the events of that morning, before everyone else was awake. The way the sight of Draco's bare chest and arms and loose fitting bottoms had made Harry feel butterflies in his stomach, the way the image stuck with him into his short sleep afterwards, where he had dreamed of running a finger down that smooth, lean chest, down to Draco's belly button, further down to the waistband of his pants, to the chord that held them up …
Harry had felt fluttering before, but that had always been when he looked at Choo, or later when he had seen Ginny in that way for the first time. Nothing was quite like the exhilarating excitement he had felt that morning though, the dream that had made his morning shower a necessity more than a tool to wake him up before morning classes began.
He was quite sure that he had loved Ginny. He had felt and cared for her a great deal, and had the pleasure of getting those butterflies every time they touched or kissed or sometimes even when Harry had just unexpectedly run into her in the halls. He put down that morning's burst of excitement to beginning of term nerves, or simply the early hour of the morning and its proximity to a night's sleep that must have been full of pleasurable experiences with girls. Draco was nothing to Harry.
'You coming?' Ron asked Harry, who was already heading down the steps of the tower.
'Yeah, yeah.' Harry said, casting a quick, guilty look back at where Draco was still searching for something in his chest.
Harry and Ron met Hermione in the common room like they did every Hogwarts morning. 'How're you going, Hermione?' Harry asked her.
'I'm good. You two?'
'Fine,'
'Ron's annoyed 'cause …'
'Because of Malfoy again?' Hermione finished.
'Yes. I walked in this morning and he was pointing his wand at him.'
'Who? Draco was pointing his wand at Ron?'
'No, Ron was pointing his wand at Draco, and Draco didn't even have his wand on him.'
'Would you two stop talking about me like I'm not even here?' Ron said angrily. 'He just gets under my skin, Harry!'
'But we have to deal with it. Maybe you'll even get to like the new Malfoy.' Harry couldn't believe what was coming out of his mouth.
'I wouldn't count on that,' Hermione said, typically cautious, 'but I'm sure you'll be able to tolerate him soon enough. I mean, he even apologised to me for all the horrible things he's said to me over the years …'
'Yeah, and it worked, too. Well I'm not going to trust him as easily as you two are!'
'Ron,' Hermione said, 'please just look at the facts: McGonagall wants us to trust him, or to at least protect him; Dumbledore always wanted the different house groups to get along and for Harry to forgive Draco … you know what he said on that towertop …'
'Yeah, before Malfoy killed him!'
'… Draco handed over a whole bunch of information to the ministry; he's obviously making an effort to make amends. None of that means we have to forgive him or ever like him … but it does mean that we should at least give it a go.'
'Hermione's right, Ron. I never thought I'd be defending Draco, but I honestly think she's right. Draco's a changed guy … or he's at least trying to change. We can give him a go.'
'But … but he's Draco Malfoy … he's evil!'
'I know!' Harry said. 'I know that's how he was … maybe how he still is … but every time I think "this is crazy, I could never forgive Draco," or "what are you thinking, Draco's never going to change," I keep going back to the time I saw him in the bathroom, so terrified of Voldemort … and I still keep going back to the one thing that makes me think Draco is capable of change …'
'Oh?' Ron said scornfully. 'What's that?'
'He lowered his wand …'
'What?' Ron asked, clearly having no idea what Harry was talking about.
'The night Snape killed Dumbledore … Draco had been standing there, with Dumbledore defenceless for minutes at least. He could have killed Dumbledore with no trouble at all, and taken all the credit for himself. Instead, he lowered his wand. If Snape and the other Death Eaters hadn't come up that tower when they did Dumbledore would still be alive today, because Draco definitely wasn't going to kill him. He lowered his wand.'
By the time Harry had finished speaking a silence had fallen over the small group, and he had managed to convince just the tiniest part of Ron's mind that maybe, just maybe, Draco Malfoy wasn't all bad.
- - - - - - -
'Why didn't you tell me Seamus and Dean were together?' Harry asked Hermione quietly in the main entrance. Ron had gone ahead to catch up with Neville, who had obviously dressed and gotten down to breakfast as fast as he could to get away from Draco in the Gryffindor boy's dormitory.
'Because it was none of your business. It was none of my business really, only I guessed. Besides, Seamus made me promise not to tell anyone.'
'But you could have told me,' whined Harry.
'No I couldn't!' Hermione said hotly. 'This is something very personal, and you can't tell anyone either, Harry!'
'I wasn't going to.'
'Good. How did you find out anyway?'
'Seamus told me. He was really upset last night when Draco went to sleep in Dean's bed and then he went crazy and stormed out, so I went to see if he was ok and he was crying on the stairs. Then he just told me.'
'I thought he would take the news about Dean not coming back to Hogwarts harshly.'
'He thinks it's his fault. Dean's mum won't let Dean come back because she found out about Seamus and …'
'And Dean being boyfriends,' Hermione finished. 'I know.'
'How do you know?'
'Seamus told me.'
'What? When?'
'I do have other friends than you and Ron, Harry.'
'I never see you with them.'
'Well you're not always around, are you? What do you think I do when you lot are all off playing quiditch or complaining about all the homework you've got … or actually doing all the homework you've got and I've finished. Do you think I just stand around, twiddling my thumbs?'
'No, of course not. I just didn't know you and Seamus were that close.'
'Well were not that close, but Seamus is a friendly guy once you get to know him, and we get along well.'
Harry thought for a moment. 'How did you guess?' he asked.
'Well, they were always spending so much time together, and after Ginny and Dean broke up Dean started spending almost all of his time with Seamus and Seamus was walking around a lot happier … I just guessed.'
'So, do you think you could tell if any other guys had … feelings for other guys?'
'Why, does Harry have a crush on someone?' Hermione laughed. 'Come on, breakfast will go cold and we'll miss our timetables.' Hermione walked off into the great hall with Harry following close behind.
Their breakfast was not cold, and they did not miss the handing out of their new timetables, but there was a surprise in store for the Gryffindor table. The role of dispatching timetables for the year's lessons generally fell to the head of house. This year however, instead of Professor McGonagall handing out the sheets of magically approved paper, Professor Trelawney was hovering up and down the Gryffindor table.
'No,' Ron said. 'It can't be!'
'Oooo … McGonagall wouldn't do it!' Hermione said, almost pleadingly.
The three friends looked over to the Slytherin table. Professor Slughorn, the potions master, had replaced Snape in his duties. 'And didn't Slughorn used to be Slytherin head before he retired?' Harry asked.
Professor Trelawney made her way to Harry, Ron and Hermione. Harry noticed that along with her usually swishing robes and the heavy smell of cooking sherry floating around her, Professor Trelawney had also developed a funny tick over the holidays. Magnified a hundred times by her massive glasses, the woman's left eye kept twitching at every loud sound made (and there were quite a lot in the great hall that morning) and looked on guard constantly, as though someone were about to leap out at her at every moment.
'Oh, good morning Harry, Ron,' she said, completely ignoring Hermione. 'How are you both? No terrible fortunes realised over the holidays, I hope.' She handed the three students their timetables. Draco came walking towards Harry, dressed in Gryffindor robes that did not quite suit his personality.
Professor Trelawney reacted as though she had seen a troll walking towards her. She screamed loudly, drawing the attention of every student and teacher in the hall, and pointed a bony finger attached to a completely outstretched arm at Draco. 'What,' she yelled in a high pitch, terrified scream, 'What is he dong here?'
After Dumbledore's death the students of Hogwarts had not had time to be filled in on the details of who was present – the assumption was that Death Eaters had somehow penetrated the school on their own and a sick Dumbledore was defeated. Almost no students (bar Harry, Ron, Hermione and obviously Draco) knew of Draco's involvement or of the circumstances surrounding Dumbledore's weakened state. The teachers, on the other hand, were informed by Professor McGonagall on the finer details surrounding Dumbledore's death. Apparently, however, not all of the teachers had been informed of Draco's change of heart.
'Why has that boy returned?' Professor Trelawney screamed again. All eyes in the great hall were trained on the woman now. 'How could the murde…?'
'Silencio,' Hermione muttered under her breath, pointing her wand at Professor Trelawney under her sleeve and causing the professor to magically fall silent. Her mouth kept moving though, and apparently she was not aware that no sound was coming out. Professor McGonagall came running towards the scene.
'Sybil, Sybil, it's ok,' she said. 'I moved Draco into your house; it's not a prank. There's no need to be offended,' the new headmistress said, trying to convince the students watching that there was nothing to see. 'All my mistake, I'm sorry Sybil I should have told you sooner.'
'Tsk, tsk, Hermione,' Seamus said jocularly from behind Harry, where he had snuck up some time in the last few minutes. 'You really should be using non-verbal spells in that kind of situation. Wouldn't want people finding out you're casting spells on teachers to … to … what were you doing?'
'Oh, not now Seamus, I'm sorry,' said Hermione. The young witch set off after Professor McGonagall, who was leading Professor Trelawney towards the staff table. Harry and Ron followed. So too did Draco. 'Professor! Professor!' she called.
'Yes, miss Granger, Professor McGonagall said as she handed over the still shaking Sybil Trelawny to Professor Sprout.
'Professor, I was just wondering … well I was just wondering what it meant that Trelawney was handing out our timetables.'
'Professor Trelawney has been made … I have had no choice but to make … oh I am sorry, Hermione,' said a woman who was trying desperately and failing miserably (and exceptionally uncharacteristically) to remain detached and unemotional, 'but as I have taken on so many new duties and no other teacher wanted the extra work, I have had no choice but to make Trelawney the new head of Gryffindor house.' Though Professor McGonagall usually had the utmost respect for her fellow teaching staff, she and Hermione had always shared a common dislike of Professor Trelawney and the kind of magic she practiced, divination. Even so, both Ron and Harry stood shocked to hear professor McGonagall speak so frankly.
'Well … I understand,' Hermione said pathetically, downtrodden. 'There's one more thing, though. There seems to be a mistake on our timetables,' she said. Harry looked at what she held in her hands and recognised the three of their timetables. He hadn't even noticed her take his from him. 'Where we should have free periods we have a new class that none of us put down for: "Magical Research and Trawling Skills".'
'No, miss Granger,' Professor McGonagall said, readopting her firm, in control tone. 'That is not a mistake. You have all …' She paused for a moment and looked pointedly at Malfoy, who had followed Harry and Hermione. He took the hint and moved out of hearing range.
'You have all been assigned time in your school timetables to work with the records kept by Professor Dumbledore on the issues you and he, Harry, had been working on towards … towards the end. As Order members you will have more or less full disclosure to the papers and artefacts Albus left us. I promised that if you came back to Hogwarts that you would be aided more than if you went out on your own, and this is the best way I know how. Use your time wisely, and note that you cannot tell any other student about anything you find in this time or allow them to know what you are doing. The guise of the new elective was created to allow you to work together without arousing suspicion from those among us who are under Voldemort's control.'
'Under Voldemort's control?' Harry asked.
'Certainly. It is most like Voldemort to try to penetrate any form of magical establishment, and now Albus is gone there is no doubt that he will try, or has already tried, to do so again. Mind, we do not know if Voldemort's agent will be working of his or her own free will, under the Imperius Curse or because he or she is being threatened by Voldemort. So keep your wits about you at all times and ensure that you remain on top of Mr Malfoy at all times, for his own protection as much as ours. Do you understand?' She looked mostly at Ron when she asked.
'Yes, ma'am,' he replied, dejected.
'Good,' Professor McGonagall said. 'Well then, I have to go and see if Professor Trelawney is all right. Oh, and miss Granger, next time you intend to cast a spell on Order business, do try not to use your mouth so much. We teach you non-verbal spells for a reason.' The witch walked towards the staff table, leaving behind a very flustered looking Hermione.
A.N:
Heya :D
Thank-you to everyone who posted comments or reviews, or sent me emails regarding Defect. All of the reviews are really wonderfully useful and every comment you give makes me feel great :D
I'd especially like to thank Rachi and Nikky again for their comments, which pointed out a few flaws that I needed to pay attention to, and I hope I have at least made a start in this chapter.
BabyKeepItSurreal – Draco was certainly abused by his father, but not necessarily in the way you may be thinking. Draco suffered greatly in his family and in his childhood through emotional abuse and violence, all of which will most likely be explored a little in the next few chapters. Thanks for your question : )
Dragenphly & Cdlowe8, thank you both for your continued support and (along with karma avery) for your kind words, and the interest you're showing :D
Happy Reading!
Thayle N
