This is for you, and you already know who.
I'm sick of fighting. Really I am. All I ever seem to do is push you further and further. It seems like the harder I try, the further you go, and yet the less I try you still go away anyway. When you speak to me it's like you're speaking down to me, undermining everything I do. You just don't see how much you're killing me. Literally. Every moment I speak to you I want to break everything I see, rip out all my hair, bleed to death, and scream until I can't speak. That's how much it hurts to be away from you, to be someone you no longer need or want. I need you, I know I do. I dream about you constantly. I wake up with nightmares of you leaving me, but that's the thing with my nightmares, at least in them I fight enough and you come back, when I wake up, I won't ever get you back. I know that, but it's so hard to accept. I don't want to fight with you, I want that feeling I used to have with you. The warm one that made me want to climb up onto oblivion with you and stay there forever. I know that I've done some things that probably made you want to hate me… but then my brain was trying to get over what happened before… I realized though that I don't want that, I mean obviously I want to get over the whole thing about that night. But I've never trusted anyone so much before. I've never given them the power to control me. Never let anyone touch me the way you have, mentally and physically.
There's one thing that you absolutely have to understand. I was scared. But it wasn't because of you that I was scared. I was scared of getting caught, or found out. I just didn't think that would be good for either of us, since we could have been forced apart for who knows how long. I guess – no, I know that I overreacted about that. Really, it was all in my head, I just kept thinking of someone else. I shouldn't have, what happened in the park was a long time ago and I just need to let that go. It's hard. But I shouldn't blame you for it. I shouldn't have screamed or cried. I really didn't mind the things you were doing, just that I kept picturing him not you. It wasn't real. I know that.
I am like a dog to you. I am loyal no matter how far you think we drift apart. My leash is infinite I guess. You will be my master, and my lover no matter what you think. Nobody will change that. I want you back the way you were. The you that made me feel warm inside, the one that helped me when I was sick and when I said I was going to throw up you just leaned over and pulled back my hair. Still can't believe you did that by the way. I miss the you that wants me to watch Lord of the Rings (I did by the way) and has to bribe me to sleep. I miss the nose kisses before I fell asleep and the way I curled up into you and fit there perfectly. I miss everything. I miss that you no longer live with me, but I still have all of your clothes anyway, and I wear them when missing you gets unbearable.
It's difficult trying to live a life without you in it. I get frustrated with you and I cry when I miss you too much. I act stupid around you because I'm nervous I'll mess up again and you'll just walk away from me because I'm so pathetic… I worry about that all the time…
I miss you chiding me to put on sunscreen or put on some pants or whatever else I managed to forget. I miss you period. So if you're still reading… I love you. Always have, always will. It's my dirty little secret. I guess you just need to get me used to physical touches again… because that's the part that makes me nervous. I haven't hugged or held hands with anyone else since then. It's hard because it's not you.
I guess I've said all that I need to. The rest is just details that you can ask me about when we figure ourselves out.
Xoxo Deidei.
Yup, that's all folks. Don't really care about the R&R but if you wanna Hey! I wont object.
