Time: 0600\

May 20, 2525\

Reach

ONI decided they needed to meet with Eric, and for some reason they absolutely had to meet at his house, so after patching everything up super fast, I was sent to the ice poles with Cadmon as a babysitter. Well, okay, not exactly to the poles. Doesn't mean it's not freakishly cold. Cadmon actually built a little nest in his room of blankets and heaters and he refuses to leave except to go to the bathroom.

I, on the other hand, am thriving. The cold seems to be helping my body deal with the remnants of the augmentations; my muscles haven't seized up since we came here. It also helps that I don't seem to feel the cold anymore, unless I'm exposed for long periods of time. Probably another alteration they made off the books. I'm starting to think that the scientists were given free range to do any extra experiment they wanted with us.

The cabin we're staying in is in the middle of the woods, and it's a lot of fun to go walking around the property, especially at night. Most of the wildlife is gone, except for the occasional wolf or bear. They tend to leave me alone; the one that thought I might taste good got it's skull crushed on accident. Anyway, the point is that I like to be in the woods because I feel safe there. It's just me, the trees, and the snow.

Unfortunately, it also gives me plenty of time to remember, and that is something I'm trying to avoid. Eric says that every day I refuse to give into temptation, I get stronger. He neglected to say that the temptation grows too. I think even Cadmon is aware that I don't sleep anymore. Every moment is focused on the Spartans, and how much I hate myself for leaving them. It's useless and annoying and apparently unstoppable. When I have work to do inside the house, I'm usually able to at least pretend to focus on something else, but as soon as I have free time, the thoughts rush back in.

Where are you now? How many survived? How much have you changed? Do you miss me? Again and again in endless circles, it's all I can think of. Sometimes I think it would be worth it to expose myself just to get some answers. Honestly, the only thing holding me back now is the knowledge that Eric and Cadmon will also be punished if anyone discovers the truth. After everything they've done for me, everything they've given up, I can't repay them that way. For crying out loud, Cadmon is supposed to be spending this shore leave with his brother, not watching over me.

They both tell me they don't regret anything. That they'd do it all again if given the chance. I'm not sure I believe them. It's such a strange idea, being willing to sacrifice so much for someone they barely know. I mean, I know I'd give up everything for one of you, and you all would do the same for me. But what am I to Eric and Cadmon? I commanded them once and went on a couple missions with them, but is that enough? It sounds wrong to admit to, but if our roles had been reversed, I'm not sure I would have done as much for them. Certainly not at the expense of my family members.

But again and again I'm reminded that I'm not like them. I don't think like they do, act like they do, I don't even feel like they do. Reluctantly, I have to admit to what the doctor told me. I'm not human. I can pretend really well; I can play the part, but it's not me anymore.

The difference is that I have to pretend if I want to survive. You guys don't, and I envy you so much for that. All of you can be yourselves while I get to be a shadow. I can't decide if I resent you for that or not.

When I came home the other day, Cadmon said I looked like a snow sprite. My skin was pale and blue tinted, my hair was frosted, and my eyes were nearly white. I'm sure he said it as a joke, but as we laughed, we realized how true it was, and the mirth faded away. It's scary, sometimes, to think about how different I am.

...okay, I just reread this entire thing and can't believe how whiny I'm getting. I'm alive; isn't that enough? I survived things that no one else has and I'm capable of doing so much in my life. This...weakness isn't me. Vincent keeps insisting that something is wrong, something he can't fix or account for, but I don't care. Whatever it is, I'll deal with it later. For now, I just want to sleep and forget that I ever played that damn coin game.


Babble time: The song this chapter is based on is My December by Linkin Park.