Chapter 07

And her own health aside, there was Rinn to consider. Helena hadn't really asked the Normandy crew about what had happened to her friend during their separation, but she did need to know and understand.. Miranda had kept her up to date with clinical reports, but it wasn't enough. There were a few questions she wanted to ask personally.

And, despite how much it hurt to be near Miranda, Helena wasn't ready to depart from her company yet. So, she followed Miranda to the XO's office and listened with only half her attention as the Cerberus officer mechanically updated her about Rinn's implants that interfered with the reaper signal. Most of it was lost on her, but Helena began to understand that she was going to have to do a lot of reading if she wanted to stay abreast of not only the technology and theory used to save her friend, but also how the world functioned in general.

Sighing softly, rubbing at the tightness in her chest, Helena wondered how to rid herself of these emotions she kept wanting to feel for Miranda.

It's probably because she helped me, Helena thought. That's why I noticed her. It's simple hero worship.

She snorted to herself and took a sip of the coffee.

"You disagree?"

Helena blinked and realised that she had completely lost track of the conversation. She looked up and found that Miranda was regarding her across the desk, her blue eyes cold. She had been nothing, but professional all morning.

"I… trust your opinion," Helena answered neutrally. "Sorry, I was… thinking about something else."

She sniffed again and dropped her gaze to take another sip. Should've gotten me a bigger cup.This conversation's going to last longer than half a pint of coffee. And what the hell am I going to use as a distraction then?

Miranda raised a perfectly shaped eyebrow and somehow Helena just knew that the woman had caught onto the fact that she had not been paying attention. The woman slowly pushed the datapad aside that she had been reading from and gave Helena a critical look.

"I didn't ask you in the infirmary," she began slowly. "But, how have you been sleeping? You look tired."

Liara's told them about the nightmares.

Helena opened her mouth to tell her that it was none of her business, but the door opened before her temper could make a fool of her. She turned around to see Dr Chakwas come in, the older doctor smiling as she came through the door.

"Sorry, Officer Lawson," the gray haired woman said with a smile. "But I just thought I'd say hello to Helena."

Miranda's smile was very neutral as she motioned to the ginger, which made Helena get to her feet quickly.

"Dr Chakwas," she said quickly. "It's… good to see you." The doctor at least looked a little better than the last time Helena saw her. She held out her hand, but the doctor ignored it, stepped up to her and embraced her. Helena stood very still for a moment and then took a steadying breath, relaxing her body. Karin Chakwas stepped away before she could return the gesture, but her gaze held nothing but warmth despite the fact that her hug was not returned.

"And you," Karin said. "I didn't realise you would be here this early."

Smiling at her with the same neutrality Miranda had, Helena shrugged. "I have to get back to the office," she said and glanced at the Cerberus officer. "Miranda was just…" She trailed off, unable to remember what the last thing was that they had been discussing before Miranda asked her if she had been sleeping. The woman fidgeted behind her desk and motioned to the doctor to take the other seat.

"Helena had just agreed to the importance of having the software I developed to monitor Rinn," she pointed out to which Helena could simply stare at her.

I had?!

She wanted to protest, but stopped when she saw a dark look cross Chakwas's features. It made her pause and wonder what the doctor's interaction with Rinn had been like.

"I was also saying," Miranda continued, "that all the tests we've run so far indicate that the programme won't hinder the implant's functions. I'll follow up in a month or two nontheless to see whether our calculations were correct. It's vital to ensure…" She paused at Helena's expression.

"Our?" The ginger queried sharply. "Did you take this to Cerberus?"

Miranda's eyes narrowed immediately, but it was Chakwas who replied quickly. "No, Helena," the older doctor said. "There was a unanimous agreement that we would not involve the organisation. We've been very careful with information; everybody understands that this is a personal matter. Katelyn won't allow it to go further. It was Miranda, Mordin and EDI who did most of the work and calculation. EDI because she has an understanding of reaper technology."

Not sure what to say, Helena frowned at them and retook her seat. "Because she was based on it," she murmured, more to herself than to the rest of the room. The look the women gave her made her realise that it wasn't supposed to be common knowledge, but she didn't care. EDI had always been a bit of a conundrum to her. All throughout Mass Effect 3 she had expected the AI to betray the Normandy as the proximity of the reapers grew, yet she hadn't.

That would've been a better twist that the bloody starchild.

Save us, it's a good thing I'm not the author of this.

"You were telling me about this program," Helena decided to bring the topic back on track, half expecting Chakwas to join them in the chair Miranda indicated, but the doctor reached out and touched Helena's head.

"We'll talk later," she said. "I'll go with you into Nos Astra."

She left, giving Helena the impression that it was because she didn't want to be here to discuss Rinn. Informed already, or avoiding the issue?

She turned back to Miranda, realising that the woman had been studying her the whole time. When their gazes met, Helena felt the echo of the pain she felt in the woman's company return. She looked away, afraid that Miranda might see it and rubbed at her chest.

"I'm not going to be Rinn's guard," she pointed out. "I'm not going to look over her shoulder every day. I have to treat her like a human being. I have to treat her as if she deserves to live a normal life, because she does." Her eyes narrowed. "What do you think of Liara's proposal?"

Miranda didn't answer her, but instead turned the question around.

"What do you think of her proposal?"

Helena didn't know where to begin. In her sleeplessness of the night before, she had run the topic in her mind and had come up with a frustrating lack of answers or solutions.

"I'm hoping the turian won't take her," she said simply and sighed. "No, I guess that's not right." She looked away from Miranda to the window. She expected to see stars, but immediately admonished herself. The stupid ship's docked.

"I want her to be happy, Miranda. I want her to be safe. I don't want her to be…" She sighed and made a motion with her hand. "A tool. And it's so easy to wield her as such, you know? She's so… willing. And I can see that she still feels so guilty over what happened." The pain she felt now had nothing to do with the woman in the room. "I want her to have a life free of that."

Miranda was watching her without commenting, her features softer.

"And what do you want?" She queried softly. "Regardless of what you want for her, what do you want for yourself?"

Helena's mouth opened before she could stop herself.

"I don't want to be here," she stated immediately and regretted it because Miranda could easily misunderstand it. "I mean, I don't mind being in Nos Astra, but… I don't…" The future. She closed her eyes. "I'm worried I'm not strong enough to be here. In this position with Rinn and Liara."

Miranda didn't comment immediately, but sat very still, regarding her carefully. She opened her mouth to comment, then stopped herself. After a few seconds however she changed her mind again.

"You're an unstoppable force, Helena," she said and her words were kind. Warm and painful. "I've met very few people like you."

Her words shook Helena to her core and she could feel her features paling. I never met anybody like you, Miranda, Shepard had said as the agent lay in her arms dying.

Please don't let that happen here.

Miranda seemed to think that she had upset her because she drew back and closed her eyes.

"I'm sorry," she said quietly. "I ahm… Can I have your omnitool?"

Helena sniffed, bit her lip and slowly relinquished the object. It might've been an accident, but when Miranda reached out to take it, her fingers brushed over the back of Helena's hand.


"Commander Shepard."

The face looking back at her through the vid screen wasn't one Katelyn had seen very often until recently. Her return from the Omega 4 relay, dealing with the Council rabble and really stepping into the spotlight once again seemed to have forced the Alliance to finally acknowledge her existence, if not admit that she was one of their own. It was foolish and unnecessary. It was politics and Shepard loathed it.

"Admiral Hackett," Katelyn nodded her head at the screen.

"I hope I'm not interrupting anything, Shepard. I'll be brief."

"Not at all, sir. How can I help?"

There is always something they ask of me, always what they want. They only ever contact me if they need something.

"Am I right to say that your mission has now been officially completed?"

His words reminded her of her conversation with the Illusive Man.

"The collector base was destroyed, but that doesn't mean all the collectors went down with it. At this stage, it is unknown what their new objectives could be. However, they are still servants to the reapers, Shepard. And that means they pose a threat we cannot ignore. There is also no telling what players the reapers will move onto the board now. They have been planning this for millennia."

"I don't think fighting the reapers can ever truly be considered completed, sir." Katelyn's answer was neutral.

"Agreed," Hackett replied. "Still, with the destruction of the collector's base, it does free up some of your time, I take it?"

"It does some," Katelyn admitted with a nod. Both the Council and the Alliance had interpreted the threat neutralised to mean that the base had been destroyed. The commander had not seen the need to correct them. "I will still maintain vigil on any possible collector sightings. I don't believe the reapers would just be done with them. But with my reinstatement as Spectre, I am now at least at the Council's disposal."

And they'd like to dispose of me I'm sure.

Hackett seemed to pick up on the bitterness. "Not everyone on the Council wants you gone. You have a friend on the Council and you have friends in the Alliance as well. You have to understand, Shepard, your cooperation with Cerberus doesn't bring a lot of assurance."

Well, if the Alliance had bothered to give a shit about the galaxy, Cerberus wouldn't have even needed to wake me up again, would they?

"Cerberus was, and still is, the only one that's taking the reapers seriously, Admiral," she said instead. "I'm taking whatever help I can get. I can't wait for others to decide whether the fate of the galaxy is worth their time. Cerberus might be pro-human first and foremost, but at least they've realised that saving one means saving everyone."

"Maybe, but I won't lie that the Alliance would find it preferable if the first human spectre didn't have as strong a tie to Cerberus as you have."

Which is why the Alliance sent Ashley to what? Confirm rumours that I am alive? Confirm that Cerberus was behind the abductions? What would her directive have been had she not surmised that the collectors were behind it all? Shoot on sight?

"Then perhaps the Alliance needs to step up, sir." Shepard couldn't help but let some of her frustration slip out as anger.

"I'm working on that, Shepard," Hackett replied with a surprising amount of patience. "As it stands, the Alliance is willing to re-establish its relationship with you."

Surprising.

"But I'm going to need some give from you."

Not surprising.

Shepard waited him out.

"Alliance brass wants you to come in for tests."

Katelyn's stomach turned, but she was careful not to show it.

"They want to make a lab rat of me? How comforting."

Hackett shook his head, meeting her gaze. "It's only as a means of confirming that you're in fact the Commander Shepard they presented to the Council as a spectre candidate. That you're not under any direct influence and are acting out of your own volition."

"In siding with Cerberus?"

"In making decisions that resulted in captured colonists saved from certain death."

Not all of them. Katelyn had to take a moment and looked away from the screen to Kelly's fish tank.

"I have a lot more cybernetics built into me than before, Admiral," She said when she was sure that her voice won't betray her own insecurities about the technology. I need them to keep me alive. "But it was specifically decided that my mind had to be left intact. If Cerberus wanted a puppet, it would've cost them a whole lot less to make one than it did bringing me back."

Hackett studied her for a moment and she couldn't decide whether it was pity or sympathy that she saw in his eyes. "I'm inclined to believe you, Shepard," he said kindly. "The Alliance however wants to confirm that that is in fact the case."

Katelyn gave him a very long look.

"And after they've poked and prodded at me, they'll finally be supportive?"

Hackett gave an almost imperceptible pause. "One step at a time, Shepard."

"Of course," Katelyn replied. She scratched the back of her head as she thought. She needed the help. The only enemy she really needed were the reapers. And being accepted by the Alliance would help. She sighed. "Alright, but there are going to be terms. I'm not just going to hand myself over without some iron clad agreements."

"Which will be given, if they're sensible."

I'll be the judge of that.

"If my safety and the security and privacy of my crew and of my ship can't be guaranteed, Admiral, there is no way that I'll entrust anything to the Alliance." She pointed out, thinking about Miranda and what her response would be. "Give me time to compile some terms, but I can tell you as it stands that there will be two items that will most definitely be on there. The first is that at least one of my own specialists will be present and in a position to make calls about what tests are taken."

"I'll see what I can do. And the second?"

"I want Ashley Williams as part of that operation as well."


Sitting in the commissary, Chakwas took the time to quickly finish her letter while waiting for Helena and Miranda to finish. She amused herself by thinking that there was no telling how long it might take them depending on what they decided to end up doing.

Might be good for the both of them.

She chuckled to herself and focused her attention back on her writing pad. She had found a writing soul mate in Robert, having always loved letter writing. It was often the way she still kept contact with her old patients, with the soldiers whose lives passed through her hands. When she was still in the Alliance a week rarely went by that she didn't receive some form of thanks from a grateful patient. In a way, it was her reward and she looked forward to every letter, every update on a child's birthday attended that would not have been possible without her, of marriage proposals and even heartache.

It made her feel as if she was making a difference which was ultimately perhaps why most people went into the medical profession. She knew that Robert had had a calling and his passion to treating his patients were unmet.

Dearest Doctor Murdoch, her letter read.

So you have resorted to using my title have you?

My, but I have failed in my communications then. The Normandy and its doctor are well and nearly space worthy again. My arm is healing at a vexingly slow pace, one I am not content with. If this is old age, I most certainly don't want to see the sequel.

That is the curse of our profession sadly, Robert. We heal to the extent that we can and then have to leave it to the maker or authorities to do the rest. I have recently looked into these 'displacement organisations' and I have to say I was impressed with a lot of the programs that were offered. Some of course was one step short of slavery, but I trust that the Alliance will follow up. I will see which strings are still available to me and yank on a few to see that it is done.

We are currently in Illium, seeing to the rehabilitation of two of the survivors from the attack. With them I am content at least that they will be sufficiently taken care of.

I must confess that it was good to hear from you. I am not used to keeping up frequent communication anymore, especially in the past few months, so forgive me if I slip up occasionally. As to how I am, I am coping. That is what I have been trained to do. My nights, however, are longer and I fear for my crew that they suffer the same fate. I can hear those turning above me and know that they are reliving the horror of those pods. The words that come to me most frequently is: Physician heal thyself. I have to, if I am to take care of my crew.

I hope this finds you well, Robert.

Your friend, always,

Karin

Satisfied, Karin finished just in time to see Miranda let Helena out. Settling back a bit, she studied the two as they paused and shuffled in the doorway. The Cerberus officer spoke in quiet, hesitant words which made Helena's face go stoic. But, then she dropped her gaze and shrugged, murmuring soft words of her own. As Karin watched, she carefully extended her right hand, using the little movement that she had to hold it out for Miranda. She wasn't looking at the woman, focussing on her hand, and therefore missed Miranda's smile. It was fleeting, but genuine and it made Karin smile herself.

So stubborn, the both of them.

She saw Miranda's acceptance of the gesture as a sign to approach them and rested a light hand on Helena's shoulder when she joined her. The younger woman shivered under her touch, her shoulders twitching upwards as if she wanted to shake off the intrusive hand, but she controlled herself and settled back a bit.

"Are you ready?" Karin asked the ginger, but made eye contact with Miranda to confirm.

Helena hesitated, also looking at Miranda before she nodded and shrugged into her shoulder bag.

"I am," she said, her tone softer than it had been in the office. "I'll… see you around then, Officer Lawson. Let me know when…" Her hand came up and dropped. "You know."

Oh?

"I will," Miranda said carefully. "Thank you, Helena."

Karin had to hide a smile and carefully pulled Helena way from the door before the awkwardness between the two ate a black hole in Nos Astra's atmosphere. Helena followed her and, when Chakwas turned her away from Miranda, the doctor risked a wink in the Cerberus officer's direction. The XO gave the appropriate measure of sharpness in return and turned around to go back into her room.

Karin took the moment to slip her hand down the Helena's arm, slipping her fingers into the crook of her elbow and guiding her away from the door. Helena allowed herself to be pulled away, but subtly broke contact. She had placed her injured arm back into her coat pocket and seemed intent to keep it there.

"How have you and Liara been keeping, Helena?" Karin asked amiably. "Have you settled in alright?"

The woman took a few seconds to answer, shrugging lightly. "It's early days, Dr Chakwas," she said, but risked a brief smile. "But it's alright. I feel as if my mind is going to explode with everything that I need to take in, but it's stimulating at least." She hesitated. "Liara told me you were the one who reached out to her first. Thank you."

It was heartfelt and it made Karin smile. Helena had settled a bit in the time that she had met her. There was no doubt that the woman's temper still lurked beneath the surface of her eyes. But she seemed to have learned not to throw it around any chance that she got.

Recovering, Chakwas thought and looked at the hat that covered Helena's near bald head. She'll recover.

Helena stopped in the hallway and stared at the port observation room. Chakwas studied her and then looked to the room as well, wondering if she knew that was where Rinn had slept.

"Did Rinn remember everything?" she ventured the hybrid's name. "I hear you two have an apartment now."

Helena blinked at her and frowned. "I… yes," she said and turned back to the room, motioning to it as she spoke. "She stayed in there, right? It was… equipped?"

Chakwas nodded slowly, not sure where the question led. "We had it prepared if the event that another specialist were to join," she pointed out. "Kelly sometimes used it to talk to some of the crew members. Why do you ask?"

Helena didn't reply, but stared at her for a few moments then turned her attention to the elevator just as it opened.

Katelyn stepped through, her gaze dark and troubled. She didn't notice them immediately, taking two steps before she stopped and looked up. She noticed Karin first, then trailed her gaze to Helena. The other ginger tensed slightly as they looked at each other. Then, Katelyn smiled first though she was clearly distracted.

"Helena," she said. "Karin." Her gaze became more troubled. "Doctor, I would like to speak to you if you have a moment."

Karin had planned to go into Nos Astra with Helena, but immediately changed her mind at the intensity of Kate's tone.

"Of course, Commander," she said. "I'm escorting Helena out."

Katelyn glanced at the ex-refugee again. "I trust everything is in order?" She queried lightly and Karin left it to Helena to answer. The ginger glanced first at the doctor, then nodded slightly.

"It is, Commander," she said softly. "Thank you."

Kate's gaze was inexplicably sad suddenly. "Take care then," she said and turned back to Chakwas. "I'll be with Miranda."

Something serious?

She inclined her head as Katelyn left and studied her back for a moment. Helena seemed to do the same then moved abruptly and took a very determined step towards the elevator. After a few seconds, Karin did the same. They didn't discuss Katelyn and Karin thought that they would travel all the way in silence until Helena spoke up abruptly.

"Rinn got injured in an elevator."

Karin, who hadn't been thinking about the hybrid at all, turned to her surprised. Helena stood very still as she stared at the door, her visible hand clutching the strap of her shoulder bag. "We were trapped. The base was set to lock down and..." She trailed off when Chakwas shifted. The elevator had come to a stop, but EDI seemed to hold the door closed on purpose.

Do I want to hear this? Karin thought, surprised by Helena's sudden change of heart. Of the two of them, she had never spoken about the mine. Rinn did at first, in private when she thought her friend wasn't listening.

It must be important.

"And?" she prompted and braced herself.

Helena looked at the door, then sighed, her shoulders moving as she shrugged. "And we were trapped," she said again, but her voice was colder though she seemed determined to finish her line of thought. "With a mercenary who had, in the hour everything went to hell, abused us and threatened us." Her voice held a hint of anger and disgust. "The elevator got stuck and we had to get out via the roof. They sent me up first, then I pulled Rinn up and then we had to pull up Ramsey... but we couldn't." Helena's features had gone painfully blank, but Chakwas could see the way her hand had been pulled into a fist in her pocket. "I thought to leave her. I knew we wouldn't be able to get her up – she was too heavy with her armour. It felt like a simple mathematical equation. But Rinn... jumped back down to try and help her up. That was when the husks got to her." She trailed off and was quiet for several moments.

Chakwas felt cold as she stared at her, the horror of what had happened to them filling the elevator like the soft moans of approaching husks. Like the gas that filled the pods on the collector's base. And fading screams of the dying as they were liquidised to create a human reaper. Helena had been there as well, trapped.

The memories seemed to kindle the ginger's old anger, because her eyes narrowed and her tone was sharper when she spoke again.

"It wasn't about the math to Rinn," her tone bordered on disgust, as if she begrudged her friend her decision. "She tried to save her simply because she wasn't a monster." Not disgust at Rinn, no… Disgust at herself. For being able to make that equation, to take that math into consideration. "Just like she's not a monster now. I thought you should know that. After everything." Their gazes met and it was like a challenge. As if Helena dared her to say otherwise and remind her of what had happened in the infirmary.

Did she read my mind at Miranda's? Does she know how little I want to do with the hybrid issue?

She started to reach out take Helena's hand, but the woman's body cringed away from hers even though her eyes never wavered.

"I know, Helena," Chakwas said finally. "I know she's not."

Her words made Helena look trapped and the woman squirmed and turned her sharp gaze to the door.

"EDI," she said simply. "Please, open the door." The AI complied immediately and Helena stepped out, breathing loudly when she was in the CIC as if she had not done so ever since they entered the elevator. Chakwas didn't follow immediately, but found herself leaning against the wall, her vision dimming as her memory brightened.

"EDI, open the door!" Helena shouted in silence of her mind. "EDI, you have to open the door!"