You don't know me. I'm sure you've heard of me, but no one truly knows me. They never take the time. After all, who wants to talk to a poor, wimpy little barbeque-flavoured potato chip?

You might be thinking to yourself, "What? How the hell are you even writing a rant if you are but a mere potato chip? !"

Well that, my hated predator, is for me to know and for you to waste the rest of your life trying to figure out. But that is completely irrelevant right now.

Because you see, something that is even more extraordinary than the fact that you are reading something written by a potato chip is the fact that you are reading something written by a dead potato chip.

That's right. I am that poor chip whose life was destroyed by the evil mouth of Yellow-Haired Boy.

(Well, I say that he has yellow hair only because yellow is the only colour us barbeque potato chips can see, so who knows? If you asked a salt-and-vinegar potato chip, they'd refer to him as Red-Haired Boy. They, too, can only see yellow, but they think that yellow is actually red. But whatevs.)

I guess being eaten isn't so bad. I mean, from the very first time we are seasoned back in the factory, it becomes pretty clear to us that, at some point in our lives, we will have to face with bravery a human being as they slaughter us with a mortifying crunch.

Such is our purpose in life.

But, that's not what I am unhappy about.

Yellow-Haired Boy took me and ate me for the purpose of covering up criminal activities. Namely, murder. I for one do not approve of murder. I am not a Kira supporter, and I never will be. The fact that I was used in a way that helped such a man is completely unacceptable and should be punishable by death.

Er, life in prison.

I was used against my will by that monster. This is just wrong.

That is all.

I just personified a potato chip.

I discovered that some potato chips can be very melodramatic individuals.

What am I doing with my life.

What am I doing.

I think I'm going to go and eat some potato chips now.

~Ratt Kazamata, 11/22/2011