Chapter 7: Topical Depression

After lifting the wards on the door, Severus Snape preceded his bride- to-be into his bachelor quarters. He led her to a chair by the fire, and after she was seated, he lifted her chin and gazed on her face. She wasn't crying, but he could feel the great unhappiness that darkened her very soul. He pulled her out of the chair, sat down in it himself, then dragged her into his lap. At this she burst into tears.

"Rose, when did you eat last? What did you have for lunch?" Severus gently rubbed her back, speaking in his most persuasive and soothing tone, and passed a handkerchief to his betrothed.

"I didn't eat lunch; I was too nervous."

Severus summoned Dobby. "Bring some of that good beef soup, plowman's sandwiches, and hot chocolate, and please inform the Headmaster that we will not be coming to the Hall for dinner tonight. Rose is fatigued."

Dobby was back in minutes. He set the food down on a side table and left. Severus coaxed Rose, reminding her that she was eating for three, or four if one counted him. With hot food and liquids inside, Rose calmed a bit. "Can you tell me the problem, as you see it?" he asked.

"When I was eleven years old," Rose began, "I was at the top of the ballet class, taking 4 hours each week, dancing in a professional company, studying for a real role, not just the chorus, and looking forward to learning to dance en pointe. Then I became ill, and the doctors didn't know what was wrong with me. They put me in hospital, where they did all kinds of tests. Most of these tests involved drawing blood, two or three times a day, which was painful and traumatic for a young girl. The hospital was lonely and boring and smelly. I was too tired and depressed to care. I think that because it was a teaching hospital, some of the tests were not necessary, either, but done to give the students practice. The doctors finally concluded that I had a virus that attacked the heart muscle. They told my parents (or so my parents told me; I was not there) that I should not dance again, for my health. So the one thing I loved most was denied me. My whole life plan was tossed out the window. I was an adult before I could arrange to dance again, and it was only for pleasure. I could never expect a life in ballet. I was too old.

"Now your Sorting Hat tells me of another talent denied. I might have belonged somewhere, if the right steps were taken at the right time. I might have belonged here, with you and your colleagues. And I wonder, knowing my parents, if they didn't also decide to ignore and suppress another possible future for me. They would have been entirely capable of it. There never were children more totally mismatched with their family than my siblings and I. Our parents had their children's lives all planned out. The trouble was, the plans did not match the children."

Severus took her hands. "You do belong here at Hogwarts. The Sorting Hat has said as much, and so has Albus Dumbledore. Furthermore, you and I belong together. If you ever leave, I will follow after you. We have started a new life together, and two new lives will result from that beginning. I want that new life for you and for me and for our children. The past was full of pain, but the past is over. Whatever pain the future holds, it will be shared between us. You will not be alone; you finally are where you belong.

"Is there something about our future together that you do not like? Or something you fear?"

Rose looked at him in misery. "You haven't met Sarah, my daughter. She's sweet and caring, healthy and hard-working, and she will always be 10 years old inside. I bore a baby that will grow older, but never really grow up, and the reason why is not known. Autism is genetic, but whose genes was the cause: mine, his, both of ours? Or was it a spontaneous mutation of unknown origin? I am afraid of bringing forth another child like Sarah. As much as I love her, as good a person as she is, as happy as she is, I don't want to do that again. There isn't any way to predict, or to know. This is a game of dice, and I have already lost once."

"Your son is not autistic." Severus was stunned. The possibility of an afflicted child had not occurred to him.

"No, but he has never forgiven me for giving him an older sister that was," Rose said softly. "And he was born before we knew what Sarah's condition was, and how much her future, the whole family's future was limited by it. A disability affects everyone. I thought my fertile years were over, but I was a bit premature."

Severus wanted to get up and pace a bit, but with a lap full of a very distressed Rose, he refrained. Instead, he unpinned her hair and pulled her head down on his shoulder. They sat quietly, thinking their separate thoughts. Severus could feel the tension drain out of Rose; the burden she had carried alone had lessened with sharing. What were the odds that lightning would strike her twice? "I will consult with Poppy and Albus. Between them they would be able to find out what is known among us about the risks we face. We can also consult with some Muggle geneticists. " He considered asking Sybill Trelawny, but her predictive skills were erratic and her interpretations often totally off base. "There are no guarantees in life, Rose. We have only the promises of others, and usually no certainty that those promises can or will be kept. You have met many people who broke their promises; I have found many people who keep their promises, here at Hogwarts. You remember from 'Carmina Burana'?

O Fortuna (O Fortune,

velut luna like the moon

statu variabilis, you are changeable,

semper crescis ever waxing

aut decrescis; and waning;

vita detestabilis hateful life

nunc obdurate first oppresses

et tunc curat and then soothes

ludo mentis aciem, as fancy takes it;

egestatem, poverty

potestatem and power

dissolvit ut glaciem. it melts them like ice.)

. Lyrics and translations (© Schott Musik International, Mainz).

Rose sighed, and touched his face, pulled him down to thoroughly kiss him, renewing the promise she gave. Severus gave back what he received, and more. When the chair became too confining, he levitated her and rose. "I promised to show you around. This is the library and sitting room and office combined, as you see. Now over here is the bath, quite nice really, lots of modern features; and down this hall is the bedroom."