Finn drove Rae back home at dusk. It was cold, but they had fresh memories to keep them warm on the short ride back to Stamford.
Finn had started to get off his bike to walk Rae to her front door, but she pressed a firm hand onto his shoulder. "I'll be fine." He took off his helmet and she leaned in to kiss him.
"I'll call you tomorrow, yeah?" he said when she pulled her head away.
"Yeah, cool," she said, smiling.
When she got to the door, she looked back at him and he nodded before revving the engine and driving away.
She opened the door and leaned against it once she was inside. She felt like doing another victory dance, but just looked up at the ceiling and grinned like a loon.
Hearing movement in the kitchen, she composed herself and took a deep breath before calling out. "Hello? I'm back!"
"Hiya, love! How was your visit with Tix? We were expectin' ya back a bit earlier!" Linda shouted.
Rae's shoulders slumped and she shuffled into the kitchen. "The visit went really well, actually. I was nervous at first, bu' we seemed to cheer her up."
"Oh, so Finn went in an' all?" Linda dried her hands on a tea towel. "That were nice of him."
Rae huffed with annoyance, but decided it wasn't worth fighting about. "Yeah, Tix wanted to meet him, and he was just sitting outside doing nowt, so …"
"And where've you been since you left the hospital?" Linda's voice didn't have much of an edge, but the question was accusatory enough.
"We jus' stopped near Rutland Waters to take a walk in the woods. It was such a nice day, we didn't want to waste it." She flashed a fleeting smile at her mother.
Linda's eyes narrowed, like she wasn't sure whether to believe Rae, or press her for further details. She hung the tea towel on the peg next to the stove and asked, "Have you eaten?"
She hadn't, and being reminded caused a sharp pang in her stomach. "Nah, but I'm not that hungry." Linda stared at Rae, unconvinced. "Well, maybe I'll have some toast," Rae conceded.
"There's leftover casserole, and Mrs. Dewhurst brought over some homemade custard tarts." Rae's stomach churned. "If you're interested, that is."
She hated the way it seemed like admitting defeat to ever say she was hungry, even in her own home. She felt the whole world believed fat people always felt ravenous but never deserved to. Even her mum, who'd had her fair share of struggles with the scale, seemed to judge her. It was fucked up to be addicted to something you needed to survive.
Rae looked down, thinking, Not two minutes ago, I was on top of the fucking world, but I walk into this house and I immediately feel crazy. She took a deep breath and said, "Thanks, Mum. I'll have a bit of casserole."
"Mind you don't make a mess of this kitchen; I've just finished cleanin' it."
Does every conversation have to be a struggle? Rae thought, but only said, "I won't."
Linda flashed a quick smile at her daughter and went to join Karim in the lounge.
When she'd gone, Rae sighed. It was like the heart to heart she had with her mother at the reception had never happened. Her mum was just as paranoid and annoying as before. It was probably hard to break the patterns of a lifetime, Rae mused as she spooned some casserole into a dish before sticking it in the microwave for three minutes.
Why did time slow down when you were microwaving something? It was supposed to be so much faster than actually cooking from scratch, but it always seemed interminable. Rae rocked on her heels, leaning against the counter. She shook off the conversation with her mother and cast her mind back to the idyllic afternoon with Finn. It was starting to feel like she'd dreamt it. The light had been golden, and the air so crisp, she actually thought that it couldn't have been real.
The microwave beeped insistently, and she pulled her food out. She glanced at the little table in the kitchen. It seemed too depressing to sit there in silence and eat alone. She'd done it too many times before the incident. She heard her mum and Karim laughing in the lounge and she winced. She didn't want to go in there and try to eat with them pawing at each other, either. So, she called out, "Mum, I'm goin' to eat in my room, okay?"
Linda yelled back, "Fine, jus' don't leave your dishes up there to congeal, Rachel Earl! Bring 'em back down when you're finished!"
Rae tried not to seethe and headed up to her room.
She put on the Stone Roses and sat at her desk. She tried to chew each bite twenty times, like she'd read in that copy of Woman's Own she'd flipped through while waiting for Chloe at the clinic. When she finished, she pulled her diary out of her bag and hesitated before starting to write about the events of the day. There was still a part of her that was nervous the diary would be found and actually read. And she didn't want to jinx things by dissecting them. However, she knew she had to record what had happened so she'd never forget the amazing days she had with Finn. She figured they would probably end sooner than she liked, and maybe the memories would sustain her when Finn was gone.
The phone rang just after ten the next morning. Rae had just finished getting dressed and practically skipped over to answer it.
"Hello?" she said hopefully.
"Hiya," said Chloe.
"Oh, hi!" Rae replied, surprised. "What's up?"
"Nothin' much, just wondered if you could tear yourself away from Finn for a few hours and spend time with your oldest friend. Mum and Dad have gone to a christening in Peterborough and they won't be back for hours. I just thought we could catch up … we never really get a chance to talk at school or band practice …"
"Alrigh', alrigh'! You've twisted my arm!" Rae chuckled. "Finn and I don't have any plans, so I'll let him know I'll be hangin' at your place for a while today. Happy?"
"Yes, I'm happy. When do you want to come by?"
"I'll be there by … eleven?"
"Cool. See you soon."
"Bye." Rae replaced the receiver and sighed. It wasn't that she didn't want to see Chloe, but she didn't want to disappoint Finn. Chloe did have a point, though. They hadn't talked properly in weeks.
She picked the phone back up and dialed Finn.
He answered with the same hopeful hello she had. "Mornin'," she smiled into the phone.
"How are you?" he asked, concern in every syllable.
"Phenomenal," Rae assured him. "How're you?"
"Bloody brilliant," he said. "What d'ya want to do today?"
"Ah. Right. Thing is …" Rae began hesitantly. "Chloe kind of beat ya to the punch this mornin'. I told her I'd go over and hang out with her for awhile today. I have kind of neglected her. But, this afternoon?"
Finn had wrapped the phone cord around his hand several times and his fingers were turning white. He noticed this and shook the cord off. "Yeah. No problem."
She could hear the disappointment in his voice, and while she didn't like to, she was gratified that she had the power to make anyone, especially Finn, sad not to see her. "Since I'm the one causin' the delay, why don't you decide what we do?"
"Jus' come over to mine and we'll listen to music." Same as they usually did, but it would never get old.
"Can't wait," Rae said, truthfully.
Finn went back to his room and flopped on his bed. He stared up at his Oasis poster and sighed.
Rae leaned against the side Chloe's bed and marvelled, not for the first time, at how pink her room was. Chloe had been talking for about twenty minutes straight; Rae lucky to throw in a "Oh, yeah?" or "Uh-huh" every now and then. It was all about boys, which ones Chloe fancied and which ones she knew fancied her but she didn't like that way.
"It's jus' like, should I waste myself on a sixth former, or should I hold out for someone older?" Chloe paused here for breath, and it took Rae a minute to realize she actually wanted an answer.
"Well, I don't have to remind you wha' happened the last time you went for someone older, Chlo."
Chloe looked down at her pink duvet and frowned. "Yeah, I s'pose you're right."
Rae reached back and patted Chloe's hand in a way she hoped would be comforting. Chloe put on a brave smile and said, "Sorry, I've been prattlin' on forever. I really want to know how things're goin' with you and Finn!" She flopped forward on her mattress and propped her chin on her hands. "Soooo?" she asked.
"Things've been … really great," Rae started. She didn't know how much to tell Chloe. "It's kind of hard to believe he likes me." Chloe, who had been in shock when Rae had told her she kissed Archie, surprised Rae by being reassuring: "You two were, like, what's the word? Inevitable."
Rae looked over at her, skeptical. "What d'ya mean?"
Chloe looked up, searching for the right words. "I can't explain it, but once you two got together, it was like, we all thought 'Of COURSE.' Y'know?"
Rae shook her head, but smiled.
Chloe raised her eyebrows. "Well? Have you two … you know?"
Fair's fair, thought Rae. "Yeah. A couple of times."
"A COUPLE? You're a dark horse." Chloe felt a little sad that her friend hadn't dragged her into the ladies room at the pub and spilled the news immediately, but the fact that she hadn't just further illustrated their differences.
"Yeah, well, I would have told you earlier, bu' … I dunno. I kind of wanted to keep it jus' between me and Finn for a bit."
Chloe narrowed her eyes. "He didn't ask you to keep quiet, did he?" She thought of her older sister and that twat Duane she'd "dated" for six months.
"No, nothing like that! It was just, special. I didn't want to ruin it by talkin' about it with everyone. I thought it'd be like tellin' what I wished for on my birthday candles."
"Well, how was it?"
Rae looked down, a small smile played on her lips.
"Y'don't have to give me the gory details," Chloe sighed.
"Amazin'." Rae said. "It's bloody amazin'."
Chloe subconsciously felt an item being added to the list of things she envied about Rae: An amazing first time with someone that cared about her. She smiled at Rae and said, "That's great!" and in the next breath, "So, does this mean you're on the pill, too?"
Rae stared at her, "No! Though, I guess I could ask Dr. Nick …" She'd heard things about the pill, not just about it making you put on weight, but that it messed with your moods. Her moods were already a mess; she didn't want to take one pill to make her less crazy just to take another that would undo the first. "We're bein' careful, anyway."
"Yeah, but guys don't always like to use condoms. Ya need a backup plan, Rae." Chloe placed her hand on Rae's shoulder, looking her in the eye. "Trust me, yeah?"
Rae nodded numbly. She certainly could trust Chloe—trust her to take all the magic and fun out of anything good that happened to her. As if she weren't spooked enough, now she would be worrying every time they did it that Finn wasn't enjoying himself, just waiting for the chance to impregnate her and then dump her.
"Yeah, thanks." She looked at her watch. She hadn't said what time she'd be at Finn's, but decided to make her exit. "Oh, I told Finn I'd be over at his by one!" She stood up. "This has been fun, though."
Chloe was taken aback, but tried to hide her surprise. "Yeah, glad ya could come over. See ya tomorrow at school, alright?"
Rae nodded and saw herself out.
Sunday afternoon at Finn's was fine. Good, even. Well, wonderful, but she couldn't keep using superlatives for every time they hung out. Rae didn't bring up her conversation with Chloe. They just listened to records, made out (his parents were home and his dad kept popping his head in to check on them, so they didn't push it), talked about new songs for the band, and finally, just sort of stared at each other while holding hands. Rae was self-conscious at first, but Finn's face was so … gorgeous was the only word for it … that she couldn't help staring back. She eventually forgot that Finn must have been looking at her the same way, and just focused on the golden brown flecks in his eyes and the tiny freckles on his nose, while he stared at her full lips and long eyelashes. They allowed themselves to get lost in each other for a little while.
The spell was broken when Finn murmured, "You're so … I guess beautiful's the only word … bu' it doesn't mean enough."
Rae's reply was too quick. "No, I'm not. I mean, thanks, but I know I'm not … what you said."
Finn's eyes flashed with frustration. "Yes, you are. I dunno why every time I say somethin' nice to you, you hafta … dismiss it. Ya just … it's so …" Finn broke her gaze, looking away. "I don't even know how to talk to ya about this stuff."
Rae heard Kester's voice in her head: "I want you to look in the mirror every day, and no matter how many things you see that you don't like about yourself, I want you to say something positive." She took a deep breath. "I'm sorry, Finn. This is new to me. I don't normally get compliments, so I jus' …" She sighed. "Maybe if you … kept it smaller. Specific? Like, what's one thing you like abou' … how I … look." She squirmed, but sat up straighter, keeping her eyes cast downward.
Finn shifted to appraise her, though he could tell how hard this was for her. "Jus' one thing? That's goin' to be tough."
She started to scoff, but then breathed deep and held that breath for a long minute. "Quick! Jus' anythin'." She glanced up for a second and saw Finn's eyes on her chest. "Oi!"
His eyes flicked up to her face, scanning over her features, but stopped on her mouth. "Your lips," Finn said, matter-of-factly.
"Yeah?"
"They're jus' so … kissable." And then, he leaned over to do just that.
Monday morning, Rae walked into the music room for choir practice feeling pretty good. She still wasn't completely comfortable about her relationship with Finn, but she was starting to loosen up and let her guard down a bit. Between Finn and the band, she felt stronger. So, it was upsetting, but not that surprising, to find a group of four girls standing in a circle, talking about her. She actually felt a rush of familiarity. This was how it was supposed to be, and for the last few weeks she'd just been shutting out all the bullshit. This time, the bullshit was too blatant to ignore.
"I jus' do NOT get it. Like, Finn could get any girl in this school to crawl around behind him on all fours, and he goes out with HER."
"Yeah, she's, like, enormous. Maybe he's scared of her. Maybe she, like, beats him up and he's afraid to break it off wi' her!"
"Or, maybe it's like a bet. Although the prize would have to be pretty fuckin' sweet, am I right?"
"There's always the possibility that's she's a slut. I wouldn't have thought it of her, but it has to be summat like that … I mean, he couldn't actually be attracted to her."
"Yeah, she must give good head, and he jus' keeps his eyes shut the whole time, thinking abou' anyone else!"
The gaggle of girls broke into gales of laughter. The one facing Rae's direction, Victoria, looked up, and her face dropped. She hadn't made a remark, but had laughed just as loud as the rest of them. She cleared her throat significantly and raised her eyebrows towards the door. The other three turned around to look and when they saw Rae standing there clutching her backpack, two had a look of fear flash across their faces, before they remembered they were higher up on the food chain. The third girl, their ring leader Valerie, sneered at the sight of Rae and said, "Speak of the devil."
Rae froze. She didn't know whether to turn around and walk out, or to sit down and hope class started in two seconds. She shuddered to think what her face must look like; she couldn't hide what she was thinking if someone promised to pay her a hundred thousand pounds.
Valerie took a step closer to Rae. "We were jus' talkin' about ya," she said, cocking her head to one side, threateningly.
Rae's feistiness kicked in. She rolled her eyes. "Yeah, I heard. What an honor. I didn't think you lot would waste your breath talkin' about little ol' me."
Valerie scoffed. "Yeah, right. LITTLE." She looked at her crew and they all snickered appreciatively.
"You're right, Val, I'm not little." Rae strode past her and sat down, heart racing. "If I WERE, ya wouldn't be discussin' my love life, like it's any of your business."
Valerie narrowed her eyes. "Finn Nelson has never dated anyone for more than a month, so I'd say you're overdue for being dumped." She smiled sourly. "Jus' a friendly warning."
Rae grinned in reply. "Yeah, but I bet none of his other girlfriends ever threatened him with violence. He knows not to step out of line." All four girls looked at each other, aghast. Rae widened her eyes and took a tiny step towards them. "Yeah, you guessed right. I learned that's the only way for me to keep a man … brute force. I'd tell you to have him show ya the bruises on his stomach sometime, but then I'd have to smash up the lot of ya." She smacked a fist into her other palm.
Rae honestly didn't know what had come over her. It was as if a switch had flipped inside her, and she realized she didn't give a flying fuck about these girls and their grubby opinions. She was still shaking, but she knew that she would be fine. Six months ago, this would have sent her into a downward spiral. Maybe she wasgetting better.
Ms. McTavish swept into the room, swishing her long skirts in the process. She clapped her hands for order. "Sit down, sit down, we've got to run through everything today for the Winter Concert. We're doing a preview at Assembly next week."
The four girls walked across the room, away from Rae, and sat down, glowering at her as Ms. McTavish carried on. "And I need to choose two soloists for the Handel. Rae, Victoria, could you stay behind for a few minutes after rehearsal? I'll write you each a pass."
Rae looked up, stricken. Her eyes widened, but she eventually forced her head into a nod before picking up her folder and opening it to the first song.
At lunch that day, Rae was suspiciously quiet. Finn kept writing questions on her right thigh.
? She nodded once.
? She shook her head.
Finally, he tried a statement.
E. She shrugged.
He decided to use his words, and whispered in her ear. "Rae, you're actin' really strange. I'm worried abou' ya. What's goin' on?"
"Just had a bad choir rehearsal is all. Well, the rehearsal was okay, bu' … oh, it doesn't matter. I'll be fine if … can we just drop the subject." She pushed her food around on her tray.
"I'm not droppin' it. Tell me what happened." Finn ducked his head to make eye contact with her. "Well?"
"Oh, it was jus' some stupid girls takin' the piss out of me … abou' you. Said you couldn't actually like me and bollocks like that."
"Who?" Finn demanded in a voice much louder than he meant.
Rae whispered back, since Archie, Izzy and Chloe all looked up. "Shut up! It doesn't matter."
He stared back at her, unwavering.
She sighed. "Fine, Valerie and her pals. Bu' I sort of told them off, so it prob'ly won't happen again."
Finn couldn't mask his surprise. "What'd ya say?"
Rae smirked. "Well, I …" She let out a laugh. "I told them that I threatened to beat you up if you didn't date me. In fact, I sort of said I already had."
Finn frowned, but then started laughing even harder than Rae. The rest of the gang all looked confused.
Chloe said, "What's goin' on over there? Let us in on it!"
Finn tried to speak, but started coughing. "I'm a—" He shook his head. "Apparently, I'm a battered man!"
Chloe and Izzy looked at each other confused. "What're ya talkin' about?"
"Ya've gotta help me! She's a beast!" He doubled over laughing once again, and Rae rolled her eyes. She looked around to see if they were starting to draw attention, and saw Valerie, Victoria and their two friends staring over at them in disbelief. Rae gave them a smirk.
When Finn was recovered, Rae leaned over and said, "There was one other thing, actually."
"Yeah?" He wiped his eye. "What's that?"
"Ms. McTavish asked me to sing a solo at the Winter Concert. I wasn't sure at first, but—"
"What d'ya mean, ya weren't sure? You'll be brilliant!" Finn grabbed her into a hug and simultaneously asked the rest of the gang, "Did ya hear? Rae's singin' a solo!"
Everyone smiled and Archie said, "Good one, Rae!"
Rae allowed herself a smile and thought back to what her life was like six months ago, when Vicious Valerie could have done some real damage. Things were so different now. She had a whole group of friends, who had her back and supported her. She had Kester to moan to about the stuff she couldn't talk about with her friends. And she had Finn. She was getting better, no maybe about it.
Apart from the incident in choir, school was just school. It was something everyone in the band, save Chop, was doing because they had to, but none of them were happy about it. Even Archie, who'd always been something of a swot, was getting impatient with his classes. They were all just marking time until band practice.
And then, two weeks after the visit to Tix, Archie made an announcement at practice.
"Before we get started, I was in the pub last night," he began.
"Yeah, we all were, mate!" Chop shouted. "Tha's hardly breakin' news!"
"Well, on my way back from the loo, I got chattin' with the owner, and they're havin' a local band showcase at the end of the month."
Rae's breath caught in her throat. This was the moment she'd been secretly dreading.
"What d'ya reckon? I said we'd let him know soon." Archie looked around, gauging everyone's reactions.
Finn and Chop were nodding vigorously. "Sounds great!" said Finn.
Izzy was also excited, even more than usual. "Oh my god! That's so fantastic!"
Chloe smiled wide, nervous but excited. She glanced over at her best friend and saw the terror flash in Rae's eyes. She gave Rae what she hoped was a comforting smile.
Finn caught the exchange out of the corner of his eye, and asked, "Rae, wha' abou' you? How'd ya feel about it?"
Rae took a deep breath. She debated whether to lie, but opted for the truth. "I think it sounds great. I'm brickin' it a bit, but we've got a couple of weeks, right, Archie?" Archie nodded quickly. "Frankly, I'm more worried about the solo for choir. I'm gonna have to sing in front of those cows who slagged me off."
Finn shifted uncomfortably in his seat, furrowing his brow. "Fuck 'em, Rae, you're worth a hundred of them."
Rae's eyes softened as she looked at him. "Thanks, Finn."
"It's true!" he said, before chewing on his cuticle.
Archie brought the band back to order. "Okay, then, we're agreed! We've got to start learnin' some more songs. I don't know how many bands will be there, and I think the manager wants it to fill the evenin'."
"What abou' somethin' by 10000 Maniacs?" Izzy wondered aloud. "I mean, they've got a female singer."
Rae and Archie shrugged at each other. "Trouble Me?" Rae asked. "That's not abad song."
Archie made his suggestion. "Or Candy Everybody Wants? Oh, but that has horns."
"We could do their version of Everyday is like Sunday," Finn offered.
Rae nodded. "Yeah, I like that idea!"
"It always comes back to Morrissey with you two, doesn't it?" Archie rolled his eyes, but grinned.
Chloe looked up from her bass and said, "Morrissey? He's the lead singer of The Smiths, right?" She smiled as she clocked the disbelief on Finn and Rae's faces.
As Finn and Rae fell about, Archie said, "Okay, okay! Right, let's try it once …"
