AN: I want to thank everyone for continuing to read and trust me on the direction of the story.
Just to clarify why Bella did not go to the hospital, as this was an issue brought up in some reviews I read (and I read everyone and they warm my heart ). Some people react very harshly to those types of situations and are horrified and embarrassed by what happened. Not to mention afraid of the touch of others. Though it is what is smart and logical in that situation, people that go through it can't always think that way.
But, there will be mention of Bella not going to the hospital later on.
Thanks for everyone reading, I really appreciate it all.
Enjoy!
Chapter 7 BPOV
Every girl always dreams of their firsts; first kisses, boyfriend and first time they have sex. They picture all butterflies in their stomachs and fireworks in the sky. It supposed to be a moment to remember for the rest of their lives. No one pictures dirty, twigs and trees. They don't think about the pain or roughness that is inevitable. Well, I could guarantee I would never be able to forget it. Although it's the thing I want to forget the most.
The party. It was supposed to be good, clean fun. Go to the beach, see some friends, try some alcohol and find something that would be considered fun. Yeah right.
It was all a bunch of bullshit. Parties were just an excuse for everyone to get drunk and rub up against each other in the hopes of getting laid. None of that matched my wants, or needs. So why the hell did I think I wanted to get involved in any of this shit?
I was lost. I was broken. I was in pain. Everything hurt. My black eye, the cuts all along my legs, the bruises across my body, my, uh, privates but most of all my heart hurt. What did I do so wrong to deserve this? All I wanted to do was have a little bit of fun and maybe find someone to have some fun with. I didn't mean to lead anyone on or dress too provocatively. I just didn't know where to go from here.
I woke up every hour last night, surprised to see Edward there every time. He smoothed my hair down and rubbed my back and shushed away my fears. He lied though, telling me everything was going to be alright. Nothing was going to be alright.
"I know you're awake, B" Edward said
I turned over and looked at him. I didn't know whether to smile because he was being nice to me or cry because that's just what my body instinctively told me to do. I wanted to just break down and cry nonstop.
"Hi" was all I could say.
"Mom said you might be in pain this morning. I have some OJ and Advil on the end table for you, if you want it. I could, also, leave if you want me to. I just didn't think you should be alone. I don't know if this is okay or I'm too close or crossing any lines…" Edward told me, clearly nervous as to how I was going to react to him.
"Thanks. I don't think you are crossing any lines. I'm kind of glad you're here actually" I said to him and I faked a smile and turned to sip the OJ and Advil. It hurt a lot more than I realized it would; my throat was dry and raw from all the screaming I must have done. I did need the pain killers though, my whole body ached and my head was pounding.
"Um, I'm supposed to try and convince you to go to the hospital to see someone. I know you don't want to B but it's important. You don't know what could have happened to you when he uh, you know, uh" Edward was trying to find the word rape. I could have giggled at him fumbling around the word, if he wasn't talking about me and wasn't trying to convince me to go to the hospital. I unfortunately nodded my head. I didn't want to but I knew for my own sake, I needed to. I also knew that I would basically be forced out the door by Edward, Esme and Emmett. I figured it was easier if I just went under my own free will.
"Will you take me, please" I asked him. "To Carlisle. He's the only doctor I've ever seen". I knew he wasn't the best person, morally speaking. But I knew that he was good at what he did. I couldn't stand to have another stranger touch me and probe me. Not now.
Edward nodded and left me alone to get changed. I just changed my pants; some yoga pants that were a bit more form fitting then Edwards's old sweatpants that I just swam in. I left his hoodie on though. I couldn't stand to part with that just yet. His scent intoxicated me and kept my nerves away.
I walked outside and Edward was waiting for me right outside my door, as if he was standing guard. He placed his hand gently on my shoulder, guiding me downstairs. He was afraid to touch me, and I knew it. He was afraid I was going to lose it at any second. To be honest, I didn't know that I wasn't going to freak out any second. But mostly I felt numb. I didn't think, I didn't feel. I was like a zombie. My mind was elsewhere, preferably someplace before last night, while my body was on cruise control walking around with Edward.
Esme was waiting at the bottom of the stairs when I got there and she gave me a weak smile. She didn't know what to do for me, or what to say. She didn't know how I was going to react; she didn't want to set me off. Everyone didn't know how to react around me. They were all stepping on eggshells and it was fucking frustrating.
Last night, I ran right to her, completely breaking down. She was like my mother and she was the only person I wanted. She was the only person I figured that wouldn't judge me, that could soothe me and settle my fears. She held me as I cried, held my hair back as I threw up from over crying. She washed my hair in the bath and combed out all the knots so gently when I got out. She never pushed me for the details, just sat with me and let me cry it all out. I told her though; I told her as much as I could so she would understand what happened without upsetting her. It didn't work though, the bare minimum sent her into tears. I didn't mean to but who else could I tell. I was disgusting now. I was damaged goods, weak and easy. No one else needed to know more.
"Hello, dear. How are you feeling this morning? Do you need anything?" Esme asked me, as she cupped my cheeks.
"No, thank you. You've done enough. I don't want to be a burden on you" I told her.
She immediately spoke after I did "Nonsense Bella! You are anything but a burden dear! I just want to help you and make you feel better. We all do, sweetie" she said to me sweetly, almost making me believe her. But I didn't. I didn't deserve her sweet words and kind actions. I didn't deserve anything nice.
"Thank you. Edward is going to take me to the hospital, just to get checked out" I explained to her.
"Good! I will call Carlisle and let him know to expect you. I won't say more than that. Please don't be alarmed, but I bagged all your clothing from last night. Wife of a doctor, I know many useful facts. When you showered last night, a lot, well mostly all of the evidence washed away. But your clothes probably held onto a whole lot of evidence that could be used against him. He won't get away with this, Bella" Esme told me, in a very scolding tone.
Boy was she going to be mad when I said I wasn't going to be pursuing any charges.
I nodded my head and Edward led me out to his car. He rarely took his eyes off me. He was quiet during the ride, which I was grateful for. I was not in the mood for talking.
I was panicking. When I got to the hospital, I knew that I was going to be bombarded with questions and people wanting to know what happened and telling me how sorry they were. I was the one who should be sorry for wasting their time. I should have been more careful and stopped this whole thing from happening. Then Esme wouldn't be upset, Emmett wouldn't be upset and Edward wouldn't be wasting his time to look after me. Instead, now I was the pet project, everyone needing to keep an eye on the poor fragile girl. I didn't deserve any of this. If I was stupid enough to get myself in this situation, I should be the one burdened to deal with it; alone.
Carlisle was waiting in the parking dock for us, with a look of concern written over his face. Oh great, another pity party to be thrown in my name.
"Bella, what happened to your eye? Are you alright dear?" he asked me
"Bella suffered, uh, an accident" Edward started, once again stammering with his words, skimming over the truth.
"You can say the word in front of me, Edward. Dr. Cullen I was raped last night and I would like to be checked out" I stated, earning gasps from both Edward and Carlisle, surely over how calmly I stated the truth. But he just nodded and directed me inside. No reason to hide from it now, I was about to be on full display to be poked and prodded for my exam.
He took me upstairs, into a private room. He instructed me to undress, entirely and gave me two of those flimsy paper gowns to wear. He came back in with a female doctor, which he told me would be doing the "internal exam". He said he didn't think it would be appropriate for him to perform it; it was common practice for a female to examine a female, which I understood and was grateful for. It was uncomfortable and I heard the snap of the camera, to document the evidence I'm sure. But I just laid there and let them do their job. I was still very much on cruise control, my body was there but my mind was on another planet at this point. Then I had a nurse come in to take blood samples, and Carlisle even ordered an x-ray of my head to make sure I didn't have a concussion.
About an hour later, Carlisle walked in, saying he rushed the results and had them all ready to explain to me.
"So, your x-ray looks fine, luckily there is no damage done to your head. Your other injuries appear to be purely superficial and will heal on their own. You will, however, have pain in several areas of your body for a few days, even maybe more than a week. You may experience some spot bleeding and cramping as well, it is common when young women have intercourse for the first time. Your blood results were, thank god, all clean. But you will need to come back in 6 months as a precaution to re-check your blood. Your internal exam revealed that a condom was not used and we documented the extensive evidence of the trauma you sustained. We have hair and sperm specimens. This is all very good news, Bella. But as you can imagine, we couldn't get every drop of sperm that was, uh, deposited in you. I would suggest you take the Plan B pill, but I need to stress something to you. If you are already pregnant, which there is no way of knowing if you are so early, the Plan B pill will not work. It will only prevent pregnancy from the moment you take the pill, and it is of course like most things not a hundred percent. This is a lot to process, but overall things could have been a lot worse" Carlisle concluded.
"Yeah. I'm sure" I retorted. Can't get any worse, easy for you to say
"Bella, I didn't mean to offend you, I just meant…" he started to say but I interrupted him.
"Don't worry about it. I'm just cranky. Didn't sleep well, can I go now?" I asked him
"Sure, I have your prescription for the Plan B pill right here, and also for some mild pain medication, if you should need it. Bella, I have to hand over the evidence to the authorities. It is policy" he informed me, somehow sensing I would be adverse to this.
"Of course. But can you do me a favor? Hold off for a few hours so I could tell my Dad first? I'd hate for him to find out by seeing that kit on his desk" I asked
"Sure, I can. Bella, I could recommend someone that you could talk to, if you're interested. She is very good at handling young women that have been through traumatic things like what you have gone through" he told me.
"No, thanks. I'm fine. I just want to move on" I said and thanked him again before walking out to find Edward. He was outside and was smoking. I had no idea he smoked…
"Smoking huh? I could think of quicker ways for you to kill yourself" I said to him.
He laughed. "Well, hello cheery. Is, uh, everything okay?" he asked me, nervous though. He wasn't sure what was okay to ask and what he shouldn't know. I didn't care; everyone already knew the big secret, what was the point in hiding anything now.
"I'm clean. Bastard didn't have any diseases at least. Do you mind driving me to the police station? I have to tell my Dad before your Dad sends over my rape kit" I said, completely void of any feeling.
He nodded and we walked to his car slowly. He immediately put out the cigarette when I teased him about it. He drove me again in silence and this time it was awkward. There was a thick tension between us, mostly because he probably wanted to ask me questions but he didn't want to bother me. It was good he didn't because I didn't want to tell him to stick his questions where the sun don't shine.
I thanked him again before I walked into the police station. I found my dad pretty easily and told him the bare minimum of details. He freaked, of course. Saying that it was his fault he wasn't around more and that he should have been there for me. He went on and on about how he was so proud I went to the hospital and bagged up the evidence, like a real Swan.
He fought me over charges though, pestering me about filing them, saying that between Edward seeing him walk out of the woods, all the evidence that they had and my testimony, it would be an easy case. Easy. It would be so easy to go up in front of a jury and a court full of people and explain how stupid I was. How he had already felt me up without my consent. Then how I had stupidly let him give me a drink, and let him lead me through a few dances. He said he wanted to go someplace quieter, so we could talk. Talk. So, I blindly followed him into the woods, never blinking an eye. That's when he swung at me and gave me the black eye. He called that the warning shot, to warn me more would come if I screamed. Next he pulled out the knife to tear away my clothes, torturing me by making it nice and slow, dragging the knife against my skin so slow you could hear each individual thread break. After that it was all a fast blur of pain and cries of no. You're right, Dad, that would be so easy.
I told him we would discuss it another time that I was too tired and Edward was waiting outside to bring me home. I didn't want to be stuck in a car with him, chewing my ear off about how important the trial is. He gave in, temporarily he told me because he figured I needed my sleep. He apologized profusely about how he wished he could have prevented it. He even kissed me on my head, hugged me and told him he loved me, unusual for Charlie; he didn't show emotion very much. But he didn't do it, and he didn't walk himself into the situation. It was my fault and all I kept wondering was when everyone else was going to figure that out.
My twenty minute walk home was filled with me chastising myself for my stupidity and how much trouble I was putting those who I loved through. I was pulled from my thoughts a few houses away from mine when I spotted a silver Volvo in my driveway.
"What are you doing here, Edward?" I asked him. I was kind of annoyed; can't a girl enjoy her misery in peace?
"I wanted to talk. Look, I know we drifted apart, and that is all on me, Bella. But we used to be close. We used to tell each other things that we couldn't tell anyone else. I can almost guarantee I'm still the only one that knows about Renee. And you're the only one that knows about Carlisle. I can see it in your face that you're suffering and I know you're going to hold it all in because that's your nature. But, this you can't keep locked inside. You're a good person. Don't let him take that from, didn't he take enough?" Edward asked me, his eyes were pleading with me. I stared into them and I could only see pain and concern and it broke me. My Edward was back.
I fell to my knees and let the sobs rack through my body. Edward's arms were instantly around me and he murmured into my ear. "You're a fighter. I noticed a little shiner on her face before I even got to him. For a little girl, you pack a punch". I giggled. I actually giggled, and even though it was less than 24 hours since it all happened, I swear it felt like forever since I laughed.
"How could I be so stupid, Edward? Everyone says I'm so smart and everyone goes to me for help, yet I let this happen to me. I let him get near me and I let him take away my innocence. Once again the smart girl is so stupid" I told him, releasing more sobs.
"Hey, look at me" he said, as he picked up my chin, forcing me to look at him. "This is not your fault. You may be strong but he is about a full foot taller than you and completely over powered you. He took advantage of you. You do not need to hold onto blame for this. This is all on him. Every single fucking bit of it. Do you hear me?" he told me.
"I went with him. I followed him into the woods. He told me he wanted to talk. Why would I believe he wanted to talk? I was stupid, Edward!" I exclaimed.
"Yeah, okay it was stupid to think he wanted to just talk to you" he said to me, surprising me. I may have been in a self-loathing, placing all the blame on myself mood, but I thought he was trying to make me feel better. "No guy is going to take a girl that looks like you into the woods just to talk. But you, my little B, are innocent and naïve, taking people's word for what it is. That may be a fault to you, but it's not; it's who you are and it makes you such an amazing person. But, the second you said no, the blame went from you to him. No matter what happened before the second you said no means shit when you tell him no. Period, end of story"
"Wait. Did you say before you got to him? What did you do Edward?" I asked him.
"I couldn't just let him get away with it. We had a little talk. It was mostly my fist talking to his face" he told me, telling me as calm as he would tell me my garden looked nice.
"You could have gotten yourself hurt. You shouldn't have done that… it wasn't Emmett, was it? You were the one that punched him in the beginning, weren't you?" I asked him.
He just nodded. I was kind of shocked. Why was he defending my honor? He didn't need to go around punching people and threatening them. He could have gotten himself in trouble, or hurt…
"Why? Why did you do that?"
"I couldn't just let him get away with that. It wasn't okay and this whole thing isn't okay. He couldn't, he can't get away with this shit, Bells" he said, his voice getting louder through his statement.
"I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to press charges; I just want to move on. Can't anyone understand that?" I screamed.
"Why are you going to let him get away with this, Bella? He could easily get sent right to jail and punished for it"
"Because, I can't do it. I can't stand up in a court, with half of Forks sitting there listening to my statement. With him, sitting there, watching me, and knowing exactly what happened. How am I supposed to go up there and tell the world how I let him take me into the woods, put his hands over me and rape me? How am I supposed to talk about that in front of a bunch of strangers! Then, if they don't believe me and the stupid ass lawyer that defends him is going to try and pick apart everything I say and turn it back on me. I can't, I can't do it" I told him, letting tears overcome me again.
Edward wrapped his arms around me, starting to apologize for pushing me. He let me cry even more and just let me release everything. I had no idea what any of this meant, but it felt nice. It was nice having Edward around me again, being there and not being at each other's throats.
I wished I could have stayed in his arms longer. But darkness was starting to settle over Forks, and it was starting to get cold out on the porch. My Dad was working another overnight shift, which meant I was going to be alone, and I knew that was the last thing I wanted. So I took a chance, and acted on impulse, hoping my instincts were not wrong.
"Can I come back to your house? Stay there for the night? I just don't think I can handle being alone and my dad…"
"Of course. You should know by now that my mom always loves when you stay over. More kids the better for her" Edward said with a laugh. "Come on. I'm sure mom made something good for dinner"
He led me to car and even opened the door for me, closing it behind me. He got in and we drove in silence for the third time today, this time though it was comfortable. We both seemed relaxed and at ease in each other's company, which hadn't happened in a very long time.
Esme, of course was thrilled that I was staying. Like Edward said, she wanted to take care of me and make sure I was fine. I appreciated it but I still couldn't stand all the pity stares and sad looks like I was broken, never to be fixed again. Some minutes I really felt like that, but then other moments I thought back to my time spent with Edward today. I felt like I had seen him change, even just a little bit, back to how he was. That gave me faith that if he could go back to how he was, I could too. But I knew it was going to take time and it wasn't going to be that easy either.
I stayed at Edwards the entire weekend, my dad calling me every night to check on me, which was new. I liked it; I liked being able to catch up with my dad every day to ask him how his day was and making sure he was okay. I also had to check in with Emmett. He was pretty upset, and I understood why. I had totally gone past him and went straight into Edward's arms. He was the one that found me and had found the words to get through to me. I just connected to Edward is a moment that I was so scared; I couldn't see past him and let someone else in too. I was just so worked up and now I feel terrible that I had upset Emmett. He of course was so kind to me, telling me that it was fine and he understood that it was a fucked up moment. I was grateful though that he didn't hold it against me and hate me. That was the last thing I needed right now; to lose my best friend after everything that happened.
It was Monday morning now, and we decided to all drive in Emmett's Jeep and go to school together. I was anxious. I didn't think I was prepared to deal with school. I was terrified that people would be able to look at me and just see that I was dirty. I feel like I had it written across my forehead that I was an easy girl that liked it in the woods. Edward told me I was crazy and that no one would know.
We got to school and as we were walking through the parking lot, everyone was buzzing. People were all looking at me and then started whispering. I really hoped that this was my imagination playing sick tricks on me, but from the looks Edward and Emmett were exchanged, I could see this was not a joke.
"Hey Bella, I like the woods too" I heard someone yell out
"Bella, wanna get down and dirty, I hear that's your style" someone else yelled out.
I looked at Edward and Emmett and I was absolutely panicked; it seemed like everyone at school knew. But how?
Then we saw the answer, black eye, busted lip and all smiles at the entrance to the school. I automatically was starting to backpedal, feeling the tears stream down my cheeks. Edward caught me, and placed his hand over mine and whispered into my ear "He isn't going to touch you. I am right here and we are going into that school." He looked at me, his eyes full of reassurance. I nodded and we started to walk into school. But of course, with how my luck was, he stepped right in front of us.
"Edward. Well, you'll be happy to know that girls are very sympathetic to my injuries that you gave me. And Bella, what happened to your eye? That wasn't from our little fun together, was it?" he said to us, laughing as he turned around to his group of friends. They were laughing along right with him, as if I was one big joke to them. I couldn't help as my tears began to fall faster and my shoulders were starting to shake from the sobs that were starting to make its way up.
"James. I swear you better shut your lying trap before I really hurt you. Friday, my brother, what he did was nothing compared to what I can do" Emmett said, making me smile a bit, liking that he was always standing up for me, him and Edward.
"I didn't lie about anything" James retorted
"You… I didn't… you told everyone!" was all I could say.
"Of course I did, I wanted to brag about my night with you. It was so hot" he said, as he tried to touch me, but Edward jerked me back so he couldn't get near me.
"Stay away. Don't go near her. You will regret it. You messed with the wrong girl, Hunter." Edward seethed. I never saw him quite this angry. He pulled me back and guided me toward the side entrance.
"I'm so sorry, B. I promise that you won't be near him anymore. Okay? Look, Emmett and I talked to Rose and Alice and we made sure no matter what class you're in, you won't be alone. One of us, at least, is in every one of your classes. I know you don't want to be alone" Edward explained to me, and it made my heart swell. These Cullen boys were way too good to me.
"Hey, Bella. I can take it from here, Edward" I heard Alice's ever high-pitched voice squeal from across the hallway. "Now, shoo"
"Yes, Ma'am. I'll see you at lunch, if you need me text me, kay?" Edward told me, giving my hand a squeeze. I nodded at him and he walked away. I felt a strange sense of emptiness as soon as he left my side; a frown immediately worked its way onto my face.
"Oh lord, you're in way deep there, girlie" Alice said to ne
"We're just friends, Alice. He has been surprisingly amazing towards me this past weekend. He hasn't left my side and it just surprised me how attached I got to him. It means nothing, though" I tried to reason with her.
She rolled her eyes at me and hooked her arm with mine and we were off to class.
I surprisingly could not remember anything from my classes. I took terrible notes and my mind was in a million different places. I prayed that there wouldn't be any quizzes or tests on today's information. I would sure fail and I really didn't want to ruin my GPA after everything else.
I walked into lunch and the entire room hushed. I felt hundreds of pairs of eyes on me and I wanted nothing more than to room away. But then he would win. So as hard as it was, I lifted my chin and walked further into the lunchroom, people slowly returning to their own conversations.
My day couldn't seem to get any better; Mike Newton decided to come up to me
"Hey Bella. James has been talking a lot of shit and I was just wondering, why him and not me. I've know you so much longer and I thought we had a thing" he said to me, sending bile up my esophagus.
I was about to respond, when an arm snaked around my waist and a head was on my shoulder. The smell that filled my senses calmed me and I knew that it was okay.
"Hey baby. Uh, Newton. James is full of shit and wishes he could be with Bella. But he can't since you see I am. Haven't you seen his face? Now, get away before your face looks like his" Edward told him and sent him away with his tail between his legs. He turned to me automatically, trying to gauge my reaction; he thought I was going to be mad.
"I'm not mad. I'm glad you got him off my back. All day it's been like that, people coming up to me, saying they didn't know I was into the bad boy thing. It's slowly turning my anxiety and sadness into anger. I want to punch the next person to come up to me" I told him.
He laughed and we went to go sit down before once again I was confronted, this time by Edwards's sluts. It is certainly not my day.
"Hey Edward! I missed you this weekend, I was trying to call you to get together. Where were you?" Jessica asked him, ignoring me completely but I interjected before Edward could say anything. Figured I could save him right back.
"He was with me. Right, baby?" I said turning to give him a kiss on the cheek that was all he was getting, acting or not.
"He hates being called anything but Edward" she retorted, and Edward nearly choked.
"No. I hate being called anything but Edward by you" he told her, bringing me closer to his chest.
"Wow, Bella. I didn't know you had it in you. To be such a skank, that is. First James on Friday night, which I heard was not his best ever, by a long shot. And now, Edward. You move quickly. But Edward will come right back when he gets bored of what you're giving him" Jessica said, smiling wickedly, knowing that she hit a nerve.
Tears were hot down my cheeks and I managed to wiggle out of Edwards grip and run out of the lunchroom. This was what I would be now. A stupid slut that goes after any guy that walks by. Everyone thought I was easy and that now any guy who wanted me could have me. I couldn't stand to be that girl. Not only did I not have my virginity, which was special to me, something I wanted to give to a special person but now I was tainted. I was dirty and no one would ever want me now.
"Bella, Baby, Bella" Edward called after me. "Wait, don't listen to her. Like she is anyone to talk about being a slut"
"But don't you see. Now I am just as bad as her!" I yelled at him.
"No! You are nothing like her Bella. Not even close"
"I'm tainted. I'm dirty. I'm damaged goods. I lost all my firsts on one jack-ass guy and I can never get that back. Nothing will ever take that away, Edward!"
"You're right. Nothing will ever take that away but you can have your firsts whenever you want. That shit doesn't count. Your first times only count when you want them to count. When you get kissed again, when you get touched again, and it's under your permission, that will be your first. Okay, B?" he told me. "And you nothing but damaged goods. You're still as perfect as you always have been"
"Since when did you get so understanding? You have been so amazing and have known exactly what to say and you make everything seem like it's going to be okay" I said to him
"I learnt it from a very special girl who means a lot to me. I'd do anything to erase those memories from your mind"
"Kiss me. Be my first, then" I said quickly without thinking. His words were going straight to my heart, and I forgot all the darkness of the past weekend and all I could focus on was that strong crush I have ignored for years. I just ached for the Edward from my childhood, and he was here, he was back right in front of me.
He paused for a quick second before his lips were crashing down on mine.
AN: FINALLY, right?
Darkness has faded temporarily, but it will still take some time for Bella and Edward to figure out their relationship and for Bella to put all this behind her for good.
Hope you all enjoyed it!
