Discord: Chapter 7
...
"Officer Hannah?" The ER doctor fought his way through the busy waiting room looking for Sam.
"Yeah, Doc. How is he?" Sam had spent an hour waiting for news about what had caused Deeks to pass out and he was happy to finally have something to report back to the concerned team back at OSP.
"He's gone," the doctor said.
"What?" Sam was instantly confused. "You mean he died?"
"No, no, I'm sorry, I mean he left the hospital," the doctor said quickly.
"When? How did he get by me?" Sam was furious.
"He just walked away and nobody saw him leave." The doctor was holding an iPad in his hand and as Sam started to leave, he stopped him. "He needs to get back in here. Let me show you the X-Rays we took." The doctor flipped open the tablet and a series of images appeared.
"What am I looking at Doc?" Sam asked.
"We took these of Mr. Deeks' abdomen right after you brought him in. There's a bullet fragment in his lower intestine that needs to come out as soon as possible." The doctor was frowning as he spoke and Sam knew this was serious. "I'm worried he's bleeding internally and that fragment could cause an infection."
"Doc, he was shot over three weeks ago," Sam couldn't keep the worry out of his voice, and the doctor noticed.
"You're more then just the officer that brought him in here, aren't you?" The doctor looked curiously at Sam.
"He's a cop and a friend," Sam was itching to go and find Deeks so he could break his neck for leaving. "Doc, does he know about the bullet fragment?"
"I talked to him a half hour ago," the doctor answered, "If you're his friend, you need to get him back here for surgery. I'm amazed he's still able to function."
"Don't worry, I'll find him and if I don't kill him first, I'll make sure he gets his ass back here." Sam was so angry he was having trouble standing still. As soon as the doctor turned to go, Sam was on the phone to OSP.
"Callen, we've got a problem," Sam said angrily.
"Just one?" Callen replied, but he heard the anger and wondered what new problem he had to deal with.
"Deeks took off," Sam reported and then told him what the doctor had said.
"This just gets better and better," Callen was exasperated. "Sam, if I ever get my hands on him I'm gonna throttle him."
"Get in line, G." Sam climbed into the cruiser and sighed deeply. "He knows about the fragment he's carrying around, and yet he left. I don't know what's going on in that brain of his, Callen."
"I'll have Eric track his cell phone," Callen told him. "Come on back, Sam."
"G, he thinks he's fighting a losing battle against Max," Sam sounded depressed and it worried Callen. "I tried to convince him to keep fighting, but now I'm not sure I got through to him."
"You tried, Sam," Callen said sadly.
"He told me he beat up a woman, G." Sam told him quietly and he could hear the sharp intake of breath from his partner. "That's why he thinks he's becoming more like Max, more like his father. G, we have to bring him home and soon or we'll lose him for sure."
"I know, Sam, I know."
...
After the cab dropped Deeks off at his car, he climbed gingerly into the backseat and collapsed. He dry swallowed a couple of the pain pills the doctor had given him and waited for the searing pain to taper off. I knew that quack Camacho had taken me to was a drunk, he thought and closed his eyes at the memory of waking up in a dark room to a smiling old man who smelled of whiskey. He was in more pain after that quack doctor had taken the bullet out then when he'd been shot.
As he lay there, his mind drifted back over some of Sam's comments. That Sam had tracked him down just to talk to him had touched him and surprised him. He thought Sam would agree with Callen's assessment of him, so he had been caught off-guard by Sam's encouragement. He wondered how he had happened to see pictures of him as a child, but then he realized that Sam hadn't done this on his own. Hetty had shared his history with Sam and he felt angry about that. He valued his privacy and had never intended for his colleagues to know the full extent of the terror he had lived through as a child. He had shared a few incidents, but seeing specifics from hospital visits and photos of those beatings was a little too close and he didn't like it. He was surprised that Hetty would do such a thing. It wasn't like her. He wondered if she was worried about him. He had always felt a special bond with her, but now he wasn't sure he could trust her and that bothered him more than he thought it would.
The pain meds finally started to work and his mind wandered into his past. His memory filled with images and sounds of a night shadowed in fear and pain, of hearing the screams of his mom and the angry shouts of his dad as they fought in the small kitchen of the first house he could remember. It played out in his mind like an old movie. Waking up in the dark when he heard his mom scream and cry out, he had tiptoed to the door of his room and looked out into the kitchen. His mom was on her back on the floor and his dad was kicking her. He remembered the coldness of the linoleum on his bare feet as he gripped the side of the doorway and stared in stunned silence at the scene playing out before him. The sounds of his mother crying like that were the first ones he could remember, and although they became common as he grew up, those first sounds were the ones that always came back to him in nightmares.
When his dad had picked up a kitchen chair and threatened to crash it down on her, that's when he had been shocked into action. He remembered the sudden jolt of fear as he saw his dad raise the chair and he knew he had to stop what was about to happen. It was the first time he had ever been really mad in his life and the emotion had surprised him. He had instantly and decisively charged his father, his small body ramming into the back of his dad's knee and his small fists beating against his leg. He remembered yelling for his dad to stop and was shocked when he did. His dad had stopped and looked down at his young son and then laughed hysterically. Then he had picked him up by his small shoulders and slammed him against the stove. He had ended up sitting in shock on the floor staring up into the enraged face of his father and he had felt a deep fear that never left him as a child and that still lingered always in the dark shadows of his mind. The memory always ended there with him sitting on the floor, but he knew from reading his own files that the beating hadn't ended there. He was four years old and that night was the beginning of his terrifying childhood.
The memory faded and Deeks wiped tears from his face as he sat up and rested his head in his hands. Sam had been right, he had been fighting this battle for a long time. The battle for self, the battle for the right to live without fear, the battle for a life of happiness. He hadn't known any of that as a four year old, but he had known what his dad was doing was wrong and he had tried to stop it.
Maybe it really was just that simple. To do what was right and good in the world, to stop the bad guys from hurting the innocent. That's why he became a cop and it was why he now had to stop a group of terrorists from harming innocent people he didn't even know and if he needed to use Max Gentry to do that he would, but on his terms. On four-year-old Marty Deeks' terms. He was the strong one. He was the one who had battled the biggest foe in his life and had made him stop what he was doing.
Deeks thought he should try and be that brave again, to have the spirit of his four-year-old self. He had to battle the darker elements that came from his father and this time he had to win, because he didn't want his father's life he wanted his own and he wouldn't let Max Gentry stand in his way.
...
When he walked into OSP, Nell was going over some intel on the screen in the bullpen, so everyone's back was to him. Nell paused in mid sentence and her mouth hung open as her eyes widened.
"Deeks!"
They all turned in unison and their expressions varied, but Kensi rushed him and hugged him and the look of quiet joy on her face and the brimming tears in her eyes made it possible for him to face the others. He pulled himself slowly out of her arms and stood facing the team and he shyly hung his head briefly before walking over to Sam.
"Thanks, Sam," he said softly. "You made me see things that I hadn't thought about in a very long time, and I'm determined to fight for myself now."
"Why did you run out on me at the hospital?" Sam was still furious at him.
"I'm sorry Sam, I just had to process the things you said to me by myself," Deeks looked sheepishly at him and Sam saw only the old Deeks looking back at him and he sighed, shook his head and smiled.
"I'm still gonna kill you when this op is over." Sam pulled Deeks into such a tight hug he couldn't breathe and had to struggle to escape.
"Mr. Deeks," Hetty spoke from behind him and he turned to face the person he wasn't sure he trusted as much as he used to.
"Hello Hetty." He was hesitant to look at her, because he wasn't sure what she thought of him anymore. "I'm here because I thought we should talk about the upcoming meeting between Camacho and the Shining Path terrorists."
"You do, do you?" Hetty's face had always been hard to read, but today, it was inscrutable. "Shouldn't you be in the hospital instead, Mr. Deeks?"
"I'm okay for now," Deeks stood up tall then and a firm look settled on his face. "The meeting is scheduled for the day after tomorrow, so I should know who Camacho's supplier is and where they're getting the weapons from either today or tomorrow. I can stand the pain until then."
"Well, you'll have to clear your further participation with Mr. Callen," Hetty said as she nodded toward the senior agent and then turned toward her office. She paused and looked back at Deeks.
"It's good to have you back, Mr. Deeks," she said with a small smile and then walked away.
Deeks felt some of the tension leave his body when she smiled at him and then he turned to face Callen. The others slowly found other places to be, including Kensi, but Deeks saw the dark, piercing look she shot at Callen before squeezing his hand and following Nell up to ops.
"G, you want me to stay?" Sam asked with a knowing look on his face.
"No Sam, this is between me and Deeks."
"Play nice you two," Sam shook his finger at both of them and they both shook their heads and offered him a brief smile. But when he left, a sense of awkwardness settled over the two men and neither one knew where to start.
"You okay?" Callen asked.
"Fine," Deeks answered. "You? Sam said you suffered a skull fracture when you and Kensi were taken."
"Yeah. I wasn't in control there for a while," Callen answered. His voice was quiet and Deeks was surprised by the confession.
"I'm not sure I was either," Deeks said. "Callen, you were right. I didn't have to hit Kensi. I was wrong."
He looked down at the floor as he stuffed his hands into the back pockets of his jeans. Remembering the feeling of power he'd experienced after slapping her caused his whole body to shudder and Callen could see the anguish and inner turmoil on his face.
"I didn't have to hit you either, Deeks," Callen said slowly, and his eyes reddened as he fought his emotions. "I wasn't thinking straight, and when you told me I screwed up and got Kensi and me captured, I couldn't deal with the truth, so I hit you."
"I tried to hit you first," Deeks said with a small, brief grin.
"Deeks?"
"Yeah?"
"You're not like your father."
The statement hung in the air between them and Deeks wouldn't look at him as he battled to control some of the anger and resentment that still simmered inside of him.
"Max Gentry is."
"Can you control him?" Callen asked and Deeks looked up quickly at him and Callen saw a stormy look in his eyes.
"Are you asking if I can control the Max Gentry part of myself?" Deeks sat back on his desk and stared at Callen. "Cause he is a part of me, not just an alias."
"I know. I think I've known that since I first met Max." Callen replied as he searched Deeks' face before going on. "Sam told me about the woman in the bar."
Deeks stumbled to his feet and thought he was going to be sick as he grabbed the edge of his desk. Callen reached out to steady him and felt a tremor run through his body and he saw tears brimming in his eyes.
"I'll never be able to forgive myself for that Callen," Deeks voice was choked with regret as he struggled with overwhelming guilt.
"We've all done things while undercover that we can't forgive ourselves for, Deeks. It comes with the job." Callen gripped his shoulder and pulled him around to face him.
"I wish I could blame it on Max, Callen, but I'm not sure I can," Deeks still wouldn't look at him, but Callen saw his face finally harden with resolve.
"Will you let me finish this op, Callen? I need to have something good come out of this assignment," Deeks said as he finally let his eyes find Callen's face.
"There was never any doubt about that, Deeks," Callen told him softly. "I just had to know who I was dealing with before we got into the middle of it."
"You're dealing with both of us," Deeks said with a clear mind. "But, I'm in control, now."
...
