LeandraDeRaven on fanfic requested a "Breathe Again" oneshot of a home birth. Through no fault of hers, I'm afraid it's impossible to capture the same spirit of the other oneshots here. I wrote those very close to, pretty much in the middle of the Samuel arc airing and...they came from a place I don't know I'll ever access again. I actually want to apologize to her in advance for that. This is quick and dirty...I've tried to improve it for days but...it's what I've got and I really need to get back to TGO. I wanted to explore April's fear mostly. But also...hope and the idea that only Jackson understands how to get her through, small step by small step. And also Stephanie's there so...that happened.
Note: I added little bit to the original. Just a few lines that I'd forgotten I wanted in in my rush to finish.
"What's this about you refusing to get naked? We've never had this problem before." Jackson walked into his bedroom and immediately started stripping his sneakers and scrubs. He'd gotten word that April was in labor mid-surgery and immediately called Dr. Cantor to take over for him.
When they were just dreaming of being parents, he'd imagined labor being so familiar to them eventually that closing a patient before rushing off to meet your wife mid-labor would've been inevitable. But not anymore. Not since Samuel. He was actually a little upset with Arizona and Stephanie for not calling him sooner.
"It's not time to push," she said, and immediately started breathing through a contraction.
"I know but…I'm stripping anyway. Join me?"
"You're in your boxers."
"I don't think anyone but you would appreciate me going any further. You don't have a choice though, sorry. I hear you haven't been letting anyone examine you." He crawled into bed with his wife and let her pull his face to her, so they were nose-to-nose as she breathed through another contraction.
"What was our deal, babe, come on! I'll tell you only what you need to know, but you've gotta take care of our baby. Why did you want them here if you were just gonna kick them out?"
Arizona here Jackson could understand. No matter her exact qualifications, she was the only doctor April would see during this pregnancy. But Stephanie in his den setting up a birthing tub felt weird. April wasn't a vindictive person.
"I…I wanted them to…be here. They were part of everything with Samuel…But I'm scared."
"Good thing I'm not." It was only a small lie. He knew their son was healthy, that the home birth April insisted on would not be happening if he weren't. But Jackson was afraid of telling her the baby was a boy.
The reason this pregnancy had gone so smoothly was because he understood that April was only able to take care of the baby a very physical, literal way. As long as the child was healthy, she did not want to be informed of anything. He didn't believe in God, but he had faith in his wife. Once she saw her son, everything would be all right. He wasn't too worried, but he didn't exactly expect her to be fighting natural labor either.
"Come on, let's just take a walk. It's gotta be better than sitting here with all of these clothes on. You are so sweaty." He hoped they "just walked" over to Arizona in the den and just decided to let her check April's cervix.
"What else are we going to do with our baby?" Jackson asked April after another contraction a half hour later, in the birthing tub. Stephanie had watched in awe as he'd coaxed her in calmly, reminding her that no matter how scared she was he knew she didn't want to hurt their baby.
"It's gonna ride horses."
"Yup, that's for sure. Maybe we'll buy a pony."
"Maybe. Two and a half is a little young for a pony."
"Wow. That's when you started?" She nodded and took a deep breath, anticipating another contraction. "You've got five years on me there," he said, kissing across her shoulders as she leaned back against him to get through another contraction. "Good girl, sweetheart. You are doing such a good job. I love you so much."
She'd be lying if she said it felt normal to watch her ex-boyfriend, who broke up with her in such a humiliating way, coach his wife through labor. But Stephanie understood April's invitation as best she could. The woman barely trusted herself in this pregnancy. She'd wanted people around her who had felt at least a little bit of her pain. Even though she'd been angry, April did see and understand that Stephanie did feel a lot of empathy toward the situation with Samuel, despite their history. Arizona was the only other member of the Grey-Sloan staff who had seen or experienced the pain. April was scared, and asked for the support of people who could understand, for better or worse.
For the first time, Stephanie felt nothing watching Jackson kiss his wife. If it were anyone else, she'd be plain jealous. She wasn't quite healed enough to be there, but it was obvious he was exactly where he belonged. Watching how he loved April in her most terrified and painful moment, it was clear he'd never loved her.
April seemed to find comfort in his touch, so he wasn't stopping. If a kiss were too much he'd rub her shoulders, if she needed more distraction he'd ask her a question about their child. Because what had gotten her in the tub in the first place was his reminder that this time would be different. They'd make memories with their child.
Jackson was a good caregiver; he was a doctor after all. But he'd never cared for Stephanie like this at all. They'd watched movies and made out a little bit when she had eye surgery, but she'd never seen this look in her boyfriend's eye.
Right now, he was looking at his wife like he wanted to take all her pain away and more; like the world began and ended in her eyes.
"What do you want to do with our baby?" April barely whispered, but kept her eyes open, staring at her husband.
"Feed it Gushers," he grinned.
"Jackson!" But another contraction wiped the smile right off her face.
"What else?" he asked, when it was over.
"Give it a brother or sister."
"Wow, I'm so lucky." He kissed her. She was in constant anticipation of a contraction at this point, distraction was necessary. "Most women are cursing out their husbands right now, promising no sex ever again."
"No. It at least needs a sibling or two. And this labor is better than the other kind."
The room got still at her mention of Samuel. Arizona and Stephanie held their breath. The only sounds in the room were his whispers to her, inaudible to the other two, and her moans as another contraction started, the most intense she'd ever felt.
"You're doing great, April. What do you need, babe?"
"ShhhhhhhAhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" She screamed, tears falling. "I can't…no more."
"You can. You are sweetheart."
"He's right April, and you might be almost done, let me just slip in here and check…."
But it was two more hours before she was fully dilated. Two hours of Jackson dreaming for their child. Because April couldn't speak much anymore, but his words calmed her, it was evident on her face.
"Our baby's going to laugh babe," he'd say, and she'd relax a second. Sometimes Arizona and Stephanie winced at the sadness of it all, but Jackson never took his eyes off of his wife.
"OK, time to push," Arizona nodded at Jackson and smiled, but even after all of the work she'd done, April wasn't ready.
"NO!"
"Yes, babe. You have come so far and done so much work. It's time to meet…our baby." They were almost there, almost done, and he'd been so good at keeping his word to her. It was easy information to keep secret, because he was afraid of her reaction.
"What is it, Jackson….is it a girl? Are we having a baby girl?" All of the sudden she needed to know. But she saw in her face he didn't want to tell her. "A boy? No! I can't….I can't….I can't do it! I just can't…No…I don't want to push…I WON'T."
"Yes you are, babe. You're gonna push and meet him and…It's going to be fine. We're gonna love him so much…" He kept talking, through her winces of pain. "And I love you, I love you so much. You are the strongest person I know. And all I need you to do right now is push. Just push, sweetie. Help him out into the world. That's all."
"Get him off, get him of….I can't….not right now…" April insisted, rather frantically, after giving birth to her son. Arizona bit her lip, looking between Jackson and April.
"OK, Ok April." The cord was cut and the baby removed from April's chest, taken to dry off. Jackson jumped out of the tub.
"Doesn't she want to…she should really breastfeed right away Jackson." Arizona said, under her breath.
"Have you not been here all night? If she doesn't want to…" He sighed. "Look, that was the plan but I have formula if not…"
"Within the hour, she really should…I mean, at least hold him Jackson. She's at a very high risk for PPD and…"
"I know, OK? I know. Just go OK? I've got it. All of this is hard. Every day he's not here hurts. I wanted us to do this alone, but she wanted…"
"Ok, I'll be quiet. At least let us clean up though…we'll be fast."
The whole situation broke Arizona's heart. She'd been there for April since she got pregnant, four months after Samuel's death. In her grieving, she thought the way to fill the void in her heart was another baby. But after the initial acceptance of the positive test result, the fear had set in. April tried to connect to the baby growing inside of her but all she could really do was take care of her body. Jackson was great at moving April forward, but he couldn't keep it up for the rest of his life.
"Fine."
"April? They're gone sweetheart. Did you have a nice nap?" She yawned, nodding at her husband's words when he came in their room and woke her up 45 minutes later.
"The little guy needs to eat so I'm just gonna feed him and…he needs a name too, so…"
"What do you mean you're gonna feed him?"
"I thought you didn't want to…and formula's fine…."
"An hour is up?"
Jackson sighed, understanding for the first time. "Yes, babe. He's an hour, seventeen minutes old and perfectly healthy. He needs to eat though…"
"Give him to me." She pulled down the covers and immediately started breastfeeding. She was quiet for a few minutes while the baby ate, just watching him. Jackson was happily surprised that neither mother nor child was struggling, and April was smiling the whole time.
"Should we tell him your name?'" She asked her son, when he finished eating.
"Tell me, huh?" he laughed.
She shrugged. "Sorry. This is Gabriel Jackson Avery."
Jackson smiled. "What about Joseph though? It's technically your family's turn for the middle name."
But she would have none of it. "No. Nope. Gabriel means 'God is my strength.' And before this baby, two things in this world gave me strength…you and God. It works too well. You are the only reason he was born at home and not under distress at the hospital. Plus, he should be named after his daddy."
"OK, Gabriel Jackson."
"I'm sorry I was so weird right after. It was the hardest part."
"I understand. You did your best…and it was great."
"Jackson?"
"April?"
"I'm going to be ok, I promise."
"Even when you're not, we'll be here."
