A/N: here we go again with another chapter. this chapter is showing the strength of Deeks' and Kensi's relationship. STAY TUNED for next chapter where we finally get the reunion of our favorite love birds, Jack better watch out.
I am also working on another story so stay tuned for that, may be up today or tomorrow.
Enjoy and i still do not own anything.
I Miss You Kensi
Chapter 7
Kensi's P.O.V
The boat shed is quiet; Sam is outside talking to Callen about Jack and I am sitting on the worn brown leather couch with the box of letters sitting on the table. I haven't touched it, just stared at it. I am so lost in my thoughts I don't even register that Sam has sat next to me.
"Jack is at the hospital having his injuries cheeked. Callen will call when he leaves the hospital." I sat with my chin propped up on my hands still staring at the Kensi in black sharpie in Deeks' writing. "Have you read anymore?" I shake my head.
"I can't even bring myself to open the box. I want to read them but reading them makes it real that he is not here." I looked over to the burly ex-Navy SEAL. "Sam could you hand me one, I can't…"
He placed a warm hand on my shoulder and with the other reached over a grabbed a letter from the beginning. He opened the envelope and handed me the folded letter. My hands were shaky as I unfolded the letter, the adrenaline from early has worn away completely leaving me exhausted.
"Kensi do you mind if I read it too?" I was silent and he took it the wrong way. "It's okay I don't…"
"No it's fine Sam." My voice was weak as I began to read.
Kensi… oh Kensi, no one will ever understand how sorry I am that I had to leave. As soon as I come home to you I am signing those papers and we are telling the team about us. Although they probably will have some guesses during the duration that I am gone, because let us face it Fern you love waking up to this body every morning, remember I'm like 364 days of heaven…
I can't stop the teary laugh that comes out, I hear Sam chuckle. "Did he ever really say that?" he said looking away from the letter.
"Yes he did, that was before we were together." I say turning back to the letter.
Anyway, I haven't had any nightmares about Sidorov but I've only been gone three weeks, what about you? Are you nightmare free? The only nightmare I have had while here was about you… about you dying. God, I woke up from that dream and it took me several minutes to realize that it was a dream, it was so real. But then you know I have had other dreams, like us in the future with a couple kids and Monty Jr. running around. A small house, nothing to extravagant near the beach, I dream of all of this at night and in my waking hours. I love you so much Kensi. I wish I could write more but I have to sleep.
Good night Kensalina, I will be home soon, I promise.
Love D
Tears are openly streaming down my face as I fold the letter up and put it back in the box. Deftly I pick one towards the middle and open the envelope and continue reading with Sam reading over my shoulder.
So I made it two and a half months without a nightmare. But last night… I would have given anything to have the nightmares I had after but this… this was so far worse….. you were in the chair, you were in my place… there was so much blood Kensi… what made it worse was that we didn't get to you in time, you were dead… I watched him put a clip of bullets into you. After I woke up I had this overwhelming urge to see you, so I went to the coffee shop you like and hoped that you would stop there that day. It probably not the smartest of ideas, but I needed to lay my own eyes on you to make sure that you were in fact alive.
When I saw you with Monty I felt as though I could breathe again. But then I looked closer and I could tell you hadn't slept, if that massive coffee cup you hadn't purchased clued me in it was the dark circles under yours eyes. I'm so sorry baby, I really wish I was home with you right now.
I will be home soon Fern I promise.
Love D
I look up and can't help the sob that escapes me. "I miss him Sam." My breath became ragged and short. "Sam I can't… I can't breathe…. W-why can't I…why can't I breathe?!" I asked becoming increasingly panicked.
"You're having a panic attack, you have to calm down." He put a hand on my back and rubbed as I put my head between my knees and tried to calm my racing heart.
Several minutes later I had calmed down my and I could barely keep my eyes open. "Lie down, and sleep I will wake you up when Callen calls."
Normally I would protest but I was so emotionally and physically drained. And within seconds I fell into a restless, dreamless sleep.
Sam's P.O.V
Almost instantly Kensi was asleep, curled into a tight ball and a worried frown on her face. I sat on the love seat and stared at the box. Figuring that she didn't care if I read the last two with her she wouldn't object to me reading another one. It was rather interesting and heartwarming to see how deep in love these two were with each other.
I grabbed on from the end and opened it quietly.
Five months I have been away. I haven't heard you say how much you love me in five months; I haven't touched you in five months. It has gotten to the point where I need a cold shower at least four times a day; I just can't get you out of my head when I am alone. Now I don't want you to think that it is distracting because when I step over my apartment threshold I lock you away momentarily but when I come back it is like a tsunami of sounds and images of the two of us together.
I look up towards the ceiling; of course I had to pick one where he talks like a teenage boy. I think. But all it shows is how devoted and in love with Kensi Deeks really is. So I continue reading.
I really just want to lay next to you and wrap my arms around you and hold on. Ever since I left your side I have felt as though I am only a fraction of myself, my heart literally hurts because you are so close yet so far away. I miss running my hands through your soft hair, I miss that smell that is distinctly you; Sunshine and Gunpowder. I miss the way you hum in the shower and come out looking like a Greek Goddess. I miss us cooking dinner together or going to your mother's, I miss coming home after a tough case and just unwinding with a beer and movie on our couch.
But you know what I miss the most Princess? I miss how you love me, with all my faults and shortcomings and doubts. I miss you whispering it while you lose control while you are under me. I miss how I can make you beg for more, there is nothing more satisfying than reducing Badass Blye to a whimpering woman. I miss how you drag your nails down my back and beg me to go faster, how you whisper in my ear when you ask me to make you feel loved, make you feel like a woman. I know you think that you are just one of the guys but sometimes you need to feel like a woman and I will be eternally grateful to every deity out there that I am the one man who can make you feel like that. I miss hearing you scream my name in the throes of passion and the content smile on your face as you lazily kiss me and then lay in my arms.
I know things have not always been easy for you, but in an ever changing world one thing will always remain the same, I will always love you. I will always fight for you; I will always want to be the man who makes you feel like a woman who makes you feel alive and loved. I will always belong to you. My mind is yours, my body, yours, my soul, yours, my heart, yours. Everything I am and everything I will ever be is yours. And I know you can say the same. I promise you forever, I promise to never stop loving you even through the fights and the tough cases where one of us has to seduce a target, I will always love you Kensi, always, never, ever forget that.
Love M
"Whoa," I whisper as I look up from the emotional letter and my eyes land on Kensi. Her face now smooth, the worry gone. She looks peaceful; she looks like a woman in love. This letter… what I started out thinking was written by a teenage boy turned out to be written about a man, a man I love.
In this letter I could almost hear him, his voice thick with emotion and love as he would look at her with a look of admiration and longing in his eyes. From the beginning I saw the way he would look at her. At first it was a look of want but slowly it morphed into longing until finally it settled on love.
At first Kensi kept up the façade of annoyance but I would always see her eyes linger on him for just a second longer than necessary. How her jaw would clench when he spoke of a beach bimbo. It wasn't just in the eyes I saw Kensi's love for the Shaggy detective but in her smile, her eyes, her posture and her words. Her words always laced with an undercurrent of truth and love.
And for the longest time they were afraid, personal demons from both of their pasts plaguing them. I started to wonder if they would ever get their act together. I thought I was watching them closely but obviously not closely enough because they have been happy together for a year, almost a year and a half if you counted the months Deeks has been away.
As I look back to somewhere in the fifth month I remember a memory that should have clued that they were closer than anyone had thought, but I guess I over looked the idea.
I was walking back into the Mission after finishing up lunch early when nature called. The regular bathrooms were being serviced so I had to go to the gym locker rooms. But as I walked past the women's locker room I stopped dead when I heard a sob.
I looked around the empty gym and I crept quietly towards the door. What I saw broke my heart ten times over. Kensi was sitting by the sink with her face in her hands; her shoulders shook with her silent sobs. I wondered if there was news about Deeks, was he hurt. If not why was she crying?
Another sob came from her small form. I was about to go when I felt a presence behind me. Hetty.
I turned around and looked down to the petite woman. She silently reprimanded me with her eyes and pointed towards the bullpen, signaling me to leave. As I walked through the gym doors I watched as Hetty walked into the bathroom. I could hear their murmurs but I left, I knew that Kensi abhorred people seeing her like this, with maybe the exception of Deeks.
Where was the Detective? He was needed here; he needed to be here for his partner. I thought to myself as I sat down and ignoring the fact that I still had to use the bathroom and started on my paperwork.
Looking back on that day I realized why; she was crying. She was like an addict going without their fix. Deeks was her drug and she had been deprived for five months that day. Five months without her partner, five months without the man she loved next to her.
My phone ringing shook me from my thoughts about the junior agents.
"Yea?"
"Sam, Jack just pulled into a warehouse. I had Nell and Eric run the address and the building belongs to Ramirez. I think I found Deeks."
"We're on our way." I hung up and looked to see two-toned eyes already looking at me.
"What are we waiting for Sam?" he voice was still husky from sleep but there was a fire in her eyes that burned brighter and hotter than the deepest pits of Hell
