Okay, last chapter sure got a response... I don't know if you guys can read the reviews, but a reader named Faniac left quite the review ;) Thank you Faniac for really taking the time to pull apart the story and give some insight as to what you wanted as a reader. Greatest review ever. I appreciate everyone who reads and is invested in the characters. I wanted to clarify something that I get asked a lot about Bella and Edward.
1) Yes we know that he is sorry, yes we know that he misses her and never stopped loving her...but Bella doesnt. Why you ask? Because she left without getting answers. I like to think that in reality sometimes our pain, pride and worry stand in the way from us seeking things we need to know. In Bella's case, she knew it was coming and even though she was in love with him, she feared the truth was worse than just his fear. ex: cheating on her.
2) This chapter will give him some clarity, and Bella as well. Let me know what more you want, I'll get it out as soon as I can.
Thanks for reading!
BPOV
I was relaxed and embracing my new found outlook on Edward Cullen, and just as I was about to close my eyes, my phone began chirping.
I rolled over and grabbed my purse from the side of the bed, and clicked the little pearl that illuminated the phone.
I figured it was Emmett, making sure that I had made it home okay, but it wasn't. It was Edward.
I stared at the name for a long moment, watching the screen carefully as if the name would disappear and I would be spared from this moment. However, it never went away and it seemed like the longer I stared, the bolder his name became.
I let out a frustrated sigh and opened the message. It began, :
Bella, I wanted to apologize for the way I behaved earlier tonight. It wasn't fair to you or your friend and I sincerely hope I haven't damaged your relationship in anyway. I just want you to be happy.
-Edward
I threw my phone across the room and rubbed my hands over my face. God I hated this tangled web, It was ridiculous. I was tired of living in the past and being consumed by the could have, would have, should have's. I just wanted to move forward.
I got up from the bed and picked up my phone from the floor. I read and re-read the message at least six times before I decided on a response. I hit the reply tab and began furiously hitting tiny buttons. About two sentences into it, I stopped. I canceled the message and instead hit the call symbol.
The phone didn't even ring the entire first round before he picked up.
"Bella?" His voice was nervous and choppy. He was obviously as shocked to be getting a call from as I had been to get a message from him.
I didn't wait to respond and jumped right into the topic at hand.
"I got your message, Edward. I wanted to call you instead of send you a message, I just have to much to say and I don't really feel like developing carpal tunnel syndrome."
I heard him chuckle lightly before I continued on.
"First off, I accept your apology. Everything and everyone is fine, so don't dwell on it. Okay?"
He didn't respond, but I refused to pause from this mission in fear that I would get sidetracked and sucked back into the black hole that was Edward. I just wanted to be done already.
"I appreciate that your trying to make things right here, but it's really not necessary. I get it...I know that you didn't plan for things to turn out this way, but at the end of the day, this is just how things are. Let's just let it be and try to move on...why torture ourselves?"
Again no words were said after my statement, and I had to fight back the pain I was feeling in my stomach and chest. I wanted so badly to believe the words I was saying, and moreover I wanted to be able to do it. This was the only way I would be able to move on, I needed to quite Edward, the only way to survive it was cold turkey.
I had meant it all too, I really just wanted to make a clean break of this and get on with living. The last thing that I wanted was to end up questioning myself and the past for the next six months only to push the next person in my life away with the inadequacy issues that would surely stem from it all.
We both just stay quiet into our receivers as the words I had just said settled upon us. I was about to give my goodbye and hang up, but then Edward spoke.
"Bella, would you be willing to talk to me, face to face? I understand what you are saying, but I think that you have some misconceptions about what exactly has happened between us."
I was already shaking my head no and the words were about to fall from my mouth, but then his tone changed. The calm in his voice was replaced with the sound of determination.
"I won't contest your feelings, I just don't want either of us to walk away from this again without understanding exactly what has transpired."
When he put it that way, there was no way I could refuse. I had nothing but questions for him about what exactly happened. I gave him a yes and agreed to meet with him in the morning for coffee.
When we hung up, I got up and went to take a shower. All of a sudden my body was exhausted and the idea of doing anything but sleeping was far from appealing. I quickly changed and got under the covers to find sleep.
EPOV:
When the line was dead, I went ahead and placed my phone on the nightstand. I rolled back over and lay in the center of the king bed beneath me.
She called.
I didn't let myself get too excited, she had only done it because she felt like what she needed to say couldn't be shared by a message. On the bright side, I had gotten her to agree to see me face to face. We needed this, I needed this.
When she had called, she sounded so detached. My stomach had churned at the realization that I had a part in that. Long gone was the Bella who cooed her love to me and whispered sweet things to me while in public. Now all I had left was the cold version of her, the hollowest part of her was who I had been seeing and speaking to lately.
This would be a pivotal discussion for us, if by some miracle she would take me back, then it would come from the core of this talk we would have. On the other hand, if she stayed resigned to the way things were now, then closure for the both of us would be the desired outcome. I feared it was the closure that would be achieved, but I made myself have hope.
As I lay there in the dark of my room, memories of Bella and I over the last four years flooded my mind. I remembered the way her face had lit up after I had told her I loved her for the first time. Her beautiful smile and the adoring look of love she gave me at my graduation. I tried pin pointing where exactly in our relationship I had began to feel the need for distance.
I couldn't remember.
I was sitting in the Daily Eats restaurant waiting for Bella to arrive. I had offered to pick her up, but she insisted on coming separate. I was just grateful that she had agreed to this at all, so I didn't push it.
The inside was already packed with young and happy couples beginning their day and starting their weekends. I watched them all interact with each other with smiles and laughs echoing off of the walls. They all looked so content to be in the company of each other and it got me thinking about Bella and I again.
We used to look like that, we used to be them I even considered the fact that we were happier. I was shaking my head a little at the memories that flooded me, it felt as if it was being reenacted inside of my head and I could swear that I could feel Bella's soft hand in my own. I blinked back the pain of that moment and tried to bring myself back to the moment I was about to face.
Not even three seconds after my forced resolve, Bella walked in. She was looking around the room, I assume to find me and then she spotted me. I stood so she knew it was me and watched as she made her way to our table.
Every step that she took seemed to take more and more of my heart away. Even though she was walking toward me, the reality that she was not walking to me killed me. When she was no more than five steps away from the table, I began to panic. I had no idea what kind of greeting would be appropriate for the moment. Usually I would kiss her chastely and smile, but this meeting today was anything but pleasant.
Before I could get lost in the fear, the moment was upon me. I had just opened my mouth to greet her, but she just sat down without meeting my eyes. I realized then that this would not be the easy going conversation I was hoping for. Bella's resolve was firmly in place and I knew her well enough to know that every word she spoke would be guarded and smooth.
Her assertiveness was just one of the many things that drew me to her. I had never met another woman...well person who could pull together composition as well as she could. She could remove herself emotionally from any situation she felt would become overwhelming and that made things easier for her to decipher crap from fact.
About four seconds had passed from the time she had sat down and I made myself sit down and wipe the shock of my face.
"Bella" I said.
She met my eye's and I saw that she had indeed disconnected her self emotionally from the moment we were sharing. This was going to be harder than I had thought initially. I hadn't anticipated that this would be her attitude today.
She never responded from my greeting, instead she placed her hands gently on the table in front of her and waited for me to begin.
"Thank you for coming today, Bella. It means a lot to me." I began. Before I could continue, she spoke up.
"I didn't come here for you, Edward. I'm here for myself...for my answers"
Her words were calm but I didn't miss the tightening in her eyes as she spoke them. I simply nodded to acknowledge her and continued.
"I just wanted to get some things out in the open and make sure that were both on the same page. We never really talked about anything before you left that night, that wasn't how I wanted it to happen...I didn't want you to leave like that."
As I spoke the words, I tried to decipher her expression, it was unreadable though. I pushed on through, desperate to get her to understand.
"I'm sorry, Bella." I could hear my own voice breaking but her expression never changed. She just looked at me as if I were a stranger and held her composure without even as much as blinking.
Then she spoke again and when she asked her question, I was at a loss for words.
"How did you want me to leave then, Edward. Was there a specific way you had foreseen it happening? Did my reaction no please you and give you the desired result you had wanted?"
I honestly didn't know how I thought it would end, but I had certainly never thought she would read through my behavior and beat me to the punch. When I walked into that room and saw her packing her things, my world began to crumble. It was in that moment that I began to second guess my decision, but I never stopped her.
I dropped my eyes to the table and my words matched my pain and embarrassment.
" I honesty don't know how I saw it all happening. I-I just...you need to know why." I practically whispered.
"Edward" she said. My head snapped up at my name and I saw for just one second the emotion she had inside of her come out. She wanted to know, I could see it in her eyes. In that moment I wanted nothing more than to give her whatever she wanted so I made myself say it.
"It was too much, Bella. Too much love, too much emotion, I was scared." I felt the weight lift off of my shoulders at my admittance. It felt so good to say it out loud so I just let the words flow out of me.
"The reality of you coming to live here and work...I just kept thinking about all the time we would have to be together and what it would feel like to have you with me all the time."
She interrupted me, her voice confused and tight.
"So you were already sick of me with just weekends? You didn't want to have to deal with everyday...is that it?"
My eyes went wide with her conclusion. It was so wrong that I was almost breathless from just hearing her vocalize it.
"No, Bella! That's not it at all, the complete opposite actually. I loved being with you...I still do, but I was afraid of the next step, of what I figured you would be wanting from me."
Her face scrunched up in irritation and the emotion that she let out was firmly tucked back into its space. Composed Bella was back again and defeat was beginning to loom near by.
"You have got to be kidding me, Edward." Her tone cold and removed as she looked me in the eyes with confidence. I watched her with careful eyes as she shook her head and took a sip of water.
"What did you think I would expect, a ring? Did you think to maybe discuss it with me first, or perhaps let your feelings on the subject be known? No, you didn't instead you made a decision to end things with us, and you know what? That's fine. You made the right choice."
Horror washed over my body at the reality of her words. She couldn't have meant that.
"Bella, do you really feel that way? Do you really not love me anymore? After just one month, you could throw away four years?" I asked, my voice incredulous.
She took a deep breath and stared straight into my eyes before answering.
"I've never been so in love, Edward. But I have never hurt so bad at the same time either. I didn't throw anything away...and I think that was a pretty shitty thing to say considering you were the one to make that choice alone with out even discussing it with me. What do you expect me to do? Cry? Scream my happiness from a rafter? Are your words supposed to make me feel better about the situation at hand? Because I don't."
I could feel the sting in my eyes now, she was right. She was always right. My head was spinning with the anticipation of what she would want next. Did she want this to work? Could we work? Suddenly I had my own questions and even though I didn't deserve the answers, I wanted them anyway.
"Bella..." I whispered, "Why didn't you try to change my mind? Why did you just leave that night? You didn't even try to fight for us."
She didn't miss a beat and spoke her answer with conviction.
"I will never beg for a persons love, Edward. I will never fight to make somebody love me. Those are both emotions that come freely and without question. You cannot make anyone do either and I wasn't going to fight the Universe."
I felt the pain go a little deeper at her words and the reality of them. I thought she was done, but I was wrong.
"I don't ever want to be the person someone settles for. Relationships are hard enough without setting such low expectations for them. I loved you Edward, and at the end of the day that was enough for me to walk away and let you find that too."
"loved..." I whispered. It was a past tense and the d on the end of that word was taunting my already fragile heart. The lump in my throat already so full of emotion would no longer allow me to speak.
I was ready to break down but then Bella's hand was upon my own. I looked up to see her face, desperately hoping to find love there for me. I was not disappointed.
Her eyes were soft now, face relaxed. I could see a soft blush that swept over her milky skin signaling that she was either embarrassed or nervous. If I had to guess, I would say she was nervous.
"I love you, Edward...you know that." she whispered and looked down.
I held onto that statement as if it were the only air I would breath. The words consumed me whole and gave me the will to hope. How badly I wanted her and needed her was beyond bearable and my heart felt whole by just those seven words.
Before I could respond to her confession, she brought me back down to earth.
"I don't see know how that changes anything though...we are where we are right now for a reason...I can't just go back to the way we were. Things in our lives have changed...well things in my life have changed."
The hope I felt just seconds before was gone now, and in its place was the agony I had felt last night when I watched her leave with Demetri. I sat silent for a long while and then she pulled her hand away and dropped her gaze from my own.
