Chapter 32.
Lindsey's POV
I stood at the door of this familiar building. This was where we kept every New Year's Party. This building had been a part of my life for years. This was where my parent's rehearsal wedding was kept and ever since then, we came here as much as we could.
It was cold and it was snowing tonight. I was wearing a grey pea coat over my red holiday dress but only because my mother said people would think I was suicidal if I stood in the cold with an apathetic expression on my face and no winter jacket. I wasn't suicidal, I was just very sad.
Leah was still disappointed though she still called often. I had spoken to her just a few hours ago and she didn't say anything about coming tonight. I told her where the dinner was being kept but I doubted she was coming. She was mad…
I sighed.
"Lindsey! Oh my goodness! You've grown up!" Somebody's cheering snapped me out of my self-pity. I looked up from the snowy grown to see my aunt Elorah with a nice man at her side.
"Aunt Elorah!" I pretended to be excited. I stopped leaning on the wall and walked towards her to give her a huge hug. I hadn't seen her in months. My mother's sister was an amazing woman. I welcomed her and her friend and they entered the building. It was great to know my value to this family. I was the greeter. Last time I check this was the cousin's job. I was the daughter of the host; therefore very important. I was above this job…at least I should've been.
I stood outside of the building greeting my parent's friends as much as my own old friends and friends of the family for what seemed like an eternity. I was told not to come in until someone came out and told me it was okay. They didn't want any good friends to come without being greeted by me. I was furious but nodded obediently and did what I was told with a smile on my face whenever someone approached me.
I constantly disappointed myself. I knew that I didn't deserve this. I knew I had flaws but I still thought I was an okay person. I didn't deserve to be treated this way. Why I always agreed to do these things was beyond me. It was probably because I didn't want my mom to hate me more than she already did. I didn't like psychoanalysing myself. It was a scary place.
Acting excited was pretty easy until the inevitable happened. All friends of the family were invited. Especially the wealthy ones.
Maxwell stepped out of a very expensive Mercedes with his rich parents by his side. They were both good looking old people. His mother's hair was still the golden blond colour I remembered from my childhood. His father on the other hand was aging with grace. His hair was getting gray but he still looked, well, hot. He reminded me of Doctor Mark Sloan on Grey's Anatomy, also known as McSteamy. I had a huge crush on him when I was younger. He was a doctor, I thought that was hot. I still did.
"Caroline! Michael! You came!" I gave the man and woman a hug. I paused momentarily to look at Maxwell. He was more than just my ex, he was an old friend gone bad. I did regret us not being friends anymore.
Before, he was just my fuck friend. I didn't have a problem with that. I didn't want a relationship and Max was "in love" with me. He was a puppet to me. I had used him. He wasn't a great person but I couldn't help but blame myself for the jerk he'd become. When it was just me and him—no Leah—life was easy. We were at each other's disposal. Ever since he found out about me and Leah, we never spoke. At first he would glare at me in the halls but as time progressed, I guess he just stopped caring.
He didn't glare at me but he also didn't have that cocky grin that used to piss Leah off. He was apathetic, kind of angry. I'd seen that face once before, when his great grandfather died. I thought he wouldn't care if his great-grandfather died because not much people had a strong relationship with that generation in their family. Maxwell had sucked up all his pain to show that he didn't care at all about his great-grandfather, making him look almost angry.
"Hi Maxwell," I said a little more glumly and looking at the floor like a shy pre-schooler. I hesitated to give him a hug. I guessed he hadn't told his parents about our current situation and he obviously didn't want them to know since he came.
Our hug was really awkward and I was glad when it was over. I smiled at them and told them to go inside.
Just a few seconds after I told Maxwell and his family to head inside, Max came out, "Your dad said all the guests arrived and that you should come in now."
He had startled me, I hadn't expected his voice to come from so close behind me. I hiccupped a little gasp before turning to head inside.
He held the door open for me and I looked over my shoulder, waiting for another guest. I knew Leah wasn't going to come but I couldn't help but hope. Leah was the most important person in my life now, it didn't seem right to have New Year's without her.
My throat constricted and I sighed. She wasn't coming. I wondered if she was going to spend Ney Years alone or had she driven back to La Push without telling me. It saddened me to think that Leah was alone in our small apartment eating take-out in front of our plasma screen TV watching New Years at Time Square.
"Lindsey, I—" Maxwell started.
"Lindz!" A voice called.
My heart raced in my chest at the sound of that voice. I immediately ran out of the building to find Leah. The fact I was wearing heals didn't complicate the situation at all. There wasn't anything I couldn't do with heals. I bet I could climb a mountain in Louboutins.
Leah was running too, from down the street. Her car was parked so far away. When we caught up with each other we didn't kiss or hug or anything. Part of it was because Max was right there, the other part was because we didn't have to.
"You came." I said, "I thought you were pissed and—"
"I never said I was pissed."
"I thought you didn't want to be part of my lies."
She grinned, "Well, I guess I have to get used to the fact that you're a compulsive liar because I'm sticking around."
Her grin lightened the blow but I still winced on the inside. Compulsive liar? Did she really think that? Ow.
I smiled and hooked my arm in hers. We walked towards the building together and the look on Maxwell's face was definitely a glare. He was scowled at Leah causing me to frown.
Leah's returning glare made him clench his fist and walk inside, letting the door swing close.
I sighed.
We entered the room and I wasn't surprised to see it astoundingly beautiful. Mother never had the place decorated the same way twice. This year the entire room was a virgin white. A white carpet covered the entire floor, the very large, main table, big enough to hold about 50, had a pure white table cloth, white chairs, white cloth hung from the ceiling making the entire room look like a piece of heaven. No one ever wanted to miss out on mother's parties. That was why there wasn't an empty seat in the room.
I clenched my fists, hating how I worshipped my mother's decorating skills. I hated that she was good at this.
No specific place was given. We sat wherever we pleased. Everyone here knew each other, with the exception of Leah. I was so drained from the last five days I just plopped in a chair next to my cousin Shantelle without saying hi to anyone else. Shantelle was a few months younger then I was, she was aunt Benicia's—my mother's younger sister's—daughter. Sitting next to her was my cousin Justin and uncle Bernie.
It was great to have the entire family here. We were a big family. My mother only had two sisters and only one of them had children but my father had eight brothers and two sisters, all of them had at least two children. That made up a big family. Us Jean-Paul's were a close family. The Craig half only stuck around because my dad insisted on it. I was glad he did. It was fun always having someone to call and always having a baby in the family. We only got together like this on New Year's; we were big on new beginnings.
That was what Aunt Clarice—whom I was named after and the oldest of my father's siblings—was talking about near midnight. She spoke of love and loss, our family and the blessings we had for having each other because friends come and go but family lasted forever. There was nothing that we could do that would make Shantelle any less my cousin or Kingsley and less Barbara's brother. We could hate each other but we would always be a part of each other. Because that's how god wanted it to be. Friends were important though, she liked to believe that friends were the family god forgot to give us and a true friend would be as close as a brother or a sister, even a cousin.
Aunt Clarice's speech brought tears to many people's eyes.
She ended her speech with new beginnings. Sometime we would do wrong to the people who loved us the most and sometimes it was okay. We were all human and aloud to make mistakes but an apology didn't fix anything, only fixing it could fix it.
I hadn't planned on doing anything drastic but tonight was as good as a night as ever. I had done the person I loved the most wrong. I could apologize and think of excuses to pardon my wrong doings but that didn't fix anything, it only made me feel better. I was being selfish and for the New Year I wanted to change that. Along with good grades and making healthier decision, I wanted to be a better, honest person.
Aunt Clarice was getting help to come off her chair and sit when I stood up and patted my dress to clean it off from lint and junk. I rested my hand on Leah's shoulder so I could have balance to stand on my chair.
"Lindsey, what are doing?" Leah hissed in a low whisper.
"It's okay," I nodded and cleared my throat to catch people's attention. I didn't have to; everyone was already looking at me with happy confused expressions. Except for Leah and my mother who both looked weary. My mother's weary gaze had a hint of a sneer though. My throat closed up at the sight of her so I looked away to Jenna. She was one of the few white people attending this dinner. She was young and beautiful, dating one of my cousins.
I cleared my throat again to get rid of the lump in my throat, "Um, hi," I waved a little shyly. I had to remind myself that this was my family and I had nothing to be scared of but my heart still thrummed unevenly in my chest and my hands started to tremble. I clamped them together and concentrated on making my voice come out even, "This is the New Year, so, I just wanted to say something. Firstly, Aunt Clarice your speech was beautiful."
Aunt Clarice smiled and nodded, "Thank you, child," she murmured.
"And secondly," I went on, "I want new beginnings. I know that I'm not perfect, I know I've made mistakes but I still hope that you guys are proud of me."
A roar of approval rose and I blushed. I was happy to know that I did that much right. Most of my family was proud.
"Something that I don't think I've done enough is being honest. I can't make up for the things I did in high school—I know," I looked at my parents when I said that. Then I glanced at Maxwell who seemed to know exactly what I was referring to. He hadn't actually said no to having sex in my parent's bed. The poor guy was blushing. He was seated next to my brother who sent him a torturous glare. Next to James was his mother Brenda. She smiled when she caught me looking at her and waved excitedly. God, I loved that woman.
"But I can make up for the things I do now…As you know I was accepted into the University of Washington." There was applause of course, "And that's where I met…Leah," I said looking down at her.
Leah looked up at me in shock, "Lindsey, what are you doing?" she whispered, I didn't recognize her expression as horrified. I was glad that I'd gotten this far without fainting.
"I'm making things right, baby," I whispered then turned back to my audience, "Leah's my roommate. Thanks to her, I don't have to take the bus for an hour to get to school every morning. In the last couple of months, Leah has been an amazing friend to me—I can't even begin to tell you. Leah has done nothing but good to me and that's why I'm standing on this white chair with my dirty shoes—sorry mom."
Laughter.
"So, basically what I'm saying here is that…" I hesitated to do math in my head, not because I was nervous. All my nerves had evaporated. I could've sung naked in front of them and not feel a little embarrassed.
"Lindsey," Leah hissed in a whisper, "What are you doing?"
"From the first day I met Leah, I knew she was something special. Within a week, I knew that she was going to be in my life forever, two weeks I realised that I was kind of changing—a strange revelation, I guess. But we were about a month in when I realised that I was gay."
Everyone gasped but I was too sky high to hear or even care.
"Yes, I am." I said proudly, "I, Lindsey Clarice Jean-Paul Craig, am a lesbian. But not only that, I'm in love, with Leah Clearwater." I looked down at Leah who was gapping at me, "The things that go on in college, right?" I laughed, "But seriously, Leah and I are going to be together forever, we're going to maybe get married someday and—" I was abruptly cut off by the painful sensation of my arm nearly being yanked out of my shoulder socket. "Ow." I complained. I was yanked again and jumped of the chair, "What?" I hissed.
My mother was glaring at me with big angry eyes. I didn't know her face could get so red or her eyes could get so beady, but they did.
I was frozen in shock. Mother had never shown this much emotion before. She'd never been so mad before. Her hand was gripping at my wrist so hard it caused me allot of pain. I was too scared to protest when she shamefully pulled me out of the room like a misbehaving teenager. I nearly stumbled as I followed behind her, bent over so she wouldn't pull my arm off completely.
Once out of the room, she threw me aside and I almost went flying. I lost balance for a few seconds and regained it quickly. Balance was something I was great at—high school cheerleading did that.
I looked up at my mother in utter shock. I couldn't believe she'd harassed me like that. Haitians were one of the many races that believed in physical discipline but it was never allowed in my house. My mother was against it and I was daddy's little girl so he never raised a hand to me. Even Brenda believed in that form of discipline so James was raised the good old fashion Haitian way. I was kind of an outcast in that way.
Mother's glare could have burned a hole through the wall.
"Mom—"
"Don't!" She screamed , "Do not." She lowered her voice.
Leah came in from the door behind my mother, shock pasted on her face. She walked around my mother like she carried the plague—afraid to touch her—and came to my side, "What the hell, Lindz?" she whispered.
"No!" my mother shouted, "No one is talking." She was glaring at Leah then she went back to me, "Why? Why do you insist on making my life a living hell? Why do you always have to shame me like that?—like this?" She demanded.
"Mom, I tried to tell you but you didn't listen. You never listen." I was calmer than she was. I wasn't angry yet. Right now, I just wanted to reason with her. I didn't want this day to end badly. I didn't think back to how the family was taking it. Knowing them, they were probably already gossiping and chatting about how Lindsey turned gay.
"You are an embarrassment. I tried to help you and you spat in my face. You make these terrible things happen to you."
"Help me? How is me telling people that I'm a lesbian—"
"That is disgusting!" she hissed, "It is wrong what you are doing. And you," she turned to scold Leah, pointing at her with her claws, "This is your fault. You—"
My nightmare was happening. This was why I didn't want Leah for this. I knew that I couldn't handle mother blaming this on Leah. Once I got mad, it was almost all I saw.
I grabbed my mother wrist to stop her from pointing at Leah, "Don't even blame this on her. You know it's not her fault."
"So it's mine? I didn't raise this. I didn't raise you like this."
"You didn't raise me at all!" I yelled.
My mother's hands at her sides clenched into fist, "You will not speak to me like that, you ungrateful little brat."
My jaw dropped. That was completely false. The only reason I stuck around was because I was grateful for everything she had done for me. Thanks to her, I didn't have to work full time at Hooters to keep food on the table, thanks to her I could get good grades, work and enjoy college parties. I was so grateful.
"You don't talk to me like that you, you,"
My mother reached back and I knew what that hand was going to do. I knew I wouldn't have time to dodge it, which was why it caught me by surprise when Leah caught her hand when it was inches from my face.
"I will break this hand." Leah snarled.
My mom stared at Leah in surprise. She'd never attempted to hit me before but was sure she didn't expect to be interrupted by my girlfriend when she did. By the looks of Leah's knuckles, I figured her grip was really tight. I also noticed the slight tremor in her arm.
"Leah," I murmured, "Don't." I rested my hand on her shoulder.
Leah didn't stop glowering at my mother when her breathing deepened and she released her arm with a sigh.
"Disgusting." My mother muttered, "Why do you insist on bringing trash home?" My mother continued arguing with me. That's what she did, she prayed on the weak. She noticed Leah wasn't as helpless as I was.
"Leah isn't trash, mom."
"Why should I believe a word you say? You're stupid and young and make all these mistakes!"
"Because you're my mother! You're supposed to stick around for the good times and the bad." I was getting emotional and my voice started to strain, "All my life I've tried to make you proud. But I was never good enough but you know what? I'll never stop trying. I should stop—you don't treat me right—but I can't stop because I love you mom."
"No." she turned her face away and I felt tears build up in my eyes.
"Yes, mom," I grabbed her shoulders in a non-aggressive way. I just wanted her to look at me. She had to know I was telling the truth. I couldn't remember the last time I'd ever told my mother I loved her. I would have guessed never. "Mom, I love you. That's why I'm still here."
She shrugged aggressively and my hands fell off her, "Don't touch me." She seemed back to her old self, "Both of you leave. Lindsey, you're no longer my daughter. Don't call, don't visit, you're a disappointment." She turned her heals and went back into the room. She didn't slam the door shut. She was just going to go back in and host the party like nothing happened. She didn't look twice when she abandoned me here.
I didn't notice I was sobbing till Leah pulled me into a hug, "I'll murder her. That's my New Years revelation."
I sobbed into her chest. "No," I groaned, "This…can't…be…happening." I said between gasps. I knew this was only the beginning of everything falling apart. First I would lose my mother, my father would follow her lead and that would be the end of my big family. Without parents, the money would run out and I'd have to work full time, maybe even have to get a better job that I didn't like but paid more. With more work, that would give me less time to study which would mean slipping grades…
It was all going to fall apart.
Leah squeezed me tighter and my body relaxed just a smidge. Everything was going to fall apart, yes, but with Leah by my side. Things could get that bad.
