EPILOGUE
If you had told me two months ago that my dad finding my poem to Kurt would be the event that would save my life I would have laughed in your face. I was so crippled by fear and self loathing that I thought I would rather be dead. Trust me, I knew how to make that happen, and it was really only a matter of time before I did. Ever heard of serendipity? I hadn't until recently, it means discovering something by accident that turns out to be a really good thing. My dad finding that poem was pure serendipity (I'd like to think Kurt would be impressed by me using this word, but I am pretty sure he still hates me. I haven't seen or talked to him, but how could he not?).
After I told my dad everything we went for a long drive and just talked and talked and talked. He told me that, no matter what, he will always love me and be proud of me. He said I'm brave for facing my fears and not letting them crush me. I have never been called brave before, by anyone, and it made me cry. I don't feel like such a sissy anymore if I cry, I figured out that sometimes the pain and the anger come out right along with the tears. That's way better than keeping it all in and maybe hurting yourself because of it. My dad cried some too, I have never seen him do that before, but it made me feel really happy and loved.
Dad also told me that it's okay if I am not ready to tell anyone else about me, that I need to be okay with it myself first. He said if I go through the rest of high school and am still not ready that it's totally okay because it's my decision and no one else's. I don't know how my dad knew exactly what I needed to hear, but he said all the right things. I asked him how he felt about everything, and he said it's hard for him, but not because he thinks I am wrong or gross or bad. He said it's just a big adjustment, something he's going to have to get used to, but in time he will. It blows my mind how having his support makes such a difference in how I feel about myself. We sat down together and told my mom, she cried because she knows my life won't be easy, but she loves me and wants me to be happy. My mom is beautiful and awesome!
I was always jealous of Kurt's relationship with his dad, the times he came to the school I could see how much he loved Kurt and accepted him. I never thought I could have that, but it turns out I was wrong. My dad and Kurt's dad are a lot alike that way. I bet they would have made awesome friends, if they'd met under different circumstances . Speaking of Kurt, I still miss him, but not in that horrible, angry, destructive way. Now I feel really bad about everything I did to him. None of it was his fault, and I would really like to be able to tell him that in person someday. I want him to know that I understand now how messed up I was (I still am at times, but my therapist says that's normal and to just give it time).
I am still seeing my therapist (I don't call her my "shrink" anymore; it was just another angry word I used to hide behind). We talk about a lot of things, since I am not so afraid of who I am anymore. She said I should keep writing things down if it helps me, so I do. I have a box full of unsent letters that I have written to people that I hurt. Some are to my parents; some are to the kids in Glee. I even wrote to a teacher I gave a particularly hard time. Some of the letters are just rants that came from a particularly brutal day when I was really beating myself up that I am not planning on sending, but some of them are very honest and sincere and I do plan on delivering them.
As far as the poem goes, I am relieved beyond belief that I never found the courage to send it to Kurt. I realize now that I could have just sent it to his house, but at the time I was so obsessed with trying to find out where he went that it never occurred to me. I still have the poem; I keep it as a reminder of the guy I was and never want to be again. If I had given it to Kurt it would have really scared him, it scares me. I was so totally freaked out by my feelings toward him, and it really shows how desperate and confused I was.
My feelings toward Kurt are a lot healthier now. I still see him as the boy who stood for everything I thought I could never allow myself to be, but without all the anger. He's never been a kid who hid himself behind a whole pile of lies to fool people into thinking he was someone he wasn't. I think maybe he tried it once, for like a day, but it was so wrong for him he gave it up quick. I admired him and hated him at the same time. Now I just admire him. I know I am not at that point where I feel like I can just show the world all about myself, but I am a much nicer guy than I was, and I am just trying to be a decent person. Sexuality doesn't define a person; the choices they make do that. I'd like to think that if I ever met up with Kurt again we could be friends, but I messed up any chance of that happening. I really need to ask his forgiveness, I hope someday I can.
I almost forgot a really interesting thing that happened the other day. I was with my dad at the grocery store and we ran into Kurt's dad. I thought he would be really upset by seeing us, but he was actually pretty cool about it. He nodded in my direction and asked my dad how he was doing. My dad said we were "getting there", though I am not at all sure what he meant by that. Mr. Hummel didn't say anything about Kurt, and I wasn't about to ask. He looked happy, though (he was there with his new wife, Finn's mom, who kept smiling at us, which was a little weird but kind of nice, too), so I figured Kurt must be doing okay. I wrote a really long letter to him explaining everything from just before he left up until now. I sent it to his house, I hope his dad will give it to him. I don't know when or if I'll ever get a response, I have to accept the fact that I likely won't. For now I am just going to work on becoming the man I want to be. It will take some time to figure out just who that is, but I know I'll get there someday.
A/N: I am choosing to close this part of the story here. It will continue in a sequel, but since that will involve Kurt I thought it would be best to write it separately, as this was about Dave and his POV and his relationship with his dad. Look for a new story in the near future. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to read my little story, it really means a lot to me that you did. Reviews are lovely, if you feel like it.
