Sooo, I think I actually like this chapter, so hopefully you guys will, too. :) It's not amazingly written, but what happens in it makes me smile. Tehe. Anyways. My stupid author's note is over! WOO.


Don't Kiss the Girl
by Broken Oken

Chapter Seven: Hiccupotamus (Lilly)


Miley has been an emotional wreck all day… in every class period I have with her, anyways. She forgave me more quickly than I thought she would about the beard thing. And since I have yet to talk to Oliver about it, we decided I would do so right after school so he could hyperventilate then and not make a scene in front of everyone in the entire high school.

But really, Miley was being ridiculous. It was really hard to deal with because she would just randomly start freaking out under her breath and slamming her head repeatedly against her desk. Actually, she would ram it against about anything with a hard surface. I had to pull her away from the road because she was going to attempt playing chicken with a car or something.

So yeah, after she does this whole hitting her head against the desk business thing, people get all weirdly concerned and ask me what's wrong with her, so I made up the excuse of, "She missed breakfast this morning. Most important meal of the day, you know!" Which ultimately sucks in my opinion, but everyone was just like, "Oh yeah," and nodded like it was normal for someone to slam their head against wooden surfaces when they missed breakfast.

Anyways, so the next day at fifth hour, Chemistry rolled around. When I got into the classroom, I saw Miley sitting in her usual seat with her head against the desk. It was actually an improvement because at least she wasn't slamming it this time.

"You gonna be okay?" I asked as I sat myself down next to her.

She didn't move, so I could only barely hear her muffled reply of, "Lilly, can you do me a favor?"

"Will it make you happy?"

She nodded as best as you could against a table desk.

"Then, yes, I will."

"Okay, grab my Chemistry book."

I wrinkled my nose at the request. "Miley, I don't care how unhappy you are, I'm not gonna do your homework for you."

"It's not about my homework!"

Startled at her tone, I fearfully took her book into my hands instantly. "Er, alright, now what?"

"Listen carefully…" she lifted an arm and pointed at her head. "With full force, hit me on the back of the head with it."

"MILEY!" I yelled furiously.

"Just do it. And if I'm still conscious afterwards, try it again. Maybe if I go into a coma, this whole thing will blow over."

Angrily I smacked her head with the book, and she jolted upwards.

"WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!" she shrieked, holding her head with a hand. "You're not actually supposed to listen to me!"

"I know. I hit you because you're being dumb."

"Gee thanks!"

"Anytime," I said with a satisfied smile. "You just need to stop freaking out because I'm sure no one will even notice you-know-what. I mean, you didn't even notice and you stare at Oliver all the time."

I accidentally said that last part; I honestly didn't mean to, but it was something I had picked up about her the last few days. It was nearly impossible to gain her attention sometimes when he was around. She would suddenly lose focus, and bite her lip, and look at him in this… wistful way. She'd only come out of it if I smacked her arm. I was beginning to feel like an abusive friend when it happened the sixth time.

Then again, I shouldn't feel too bad. I abuse Oliver daily.

So anyways, it was quiet for a short moment after that remark, and Miley blinked at me a couple times.

"I don't stare at Oliver. He stares at me."

I hadn't actually planned on her to argue with me. I was kind of hoping she would've just changed the subject entirely, but this was new material that I could try and work with.

"How do you know he's staring unless you're staring back?" I said, raising my eyebrows with a smirk.

"I don't stare at him!" she shouted. "Oliver stares at me! I see him staring at the corner of my eye, meaning I'm not staring, he's staring."

I rolled my eyes. "You're staring at him staring at you from the corner of your staring eye then. You're staring."

"I don't stare at Oliver staring at me!"

"Actually, you do stare at Oliver staring at you, who is staring at Oliver from the corner of your eye."

"Oliver stares at me staring at him out of the corner of my eye! No, wait, too many stares—"

"HA! YOU ADMIT IT!" I cried with a triumphant pointed finger in her face.

"Admit what?" a male voice behind me asked.

"That you stare at Oli—OLIVER! WHEN DID YOU GET HERE?"

His sudden presence had scared me. I definitely hadn't noticed the voice change quick enough to notice it was Oliver who had questioned me, not Miley.

I snapped around and saw him standing there behind our chairs, holding onto the strap of his book bag that was currently slung over his shoulder.

He quirked a brow at me. "Um, just a second ago."

All of a sudden, Miley started laughing really loudly. I leaned, confused, to look at her like she was absolutely crazy. Once she saw me (and probably Oliver, too) staring at her that way, she quickly put two hands over her mouth and pressed her face back against the table.

And just as I suspected, she began to bang her forehead onto it repeatedly.

"What's wrong with her?" Oliver asked as he sat down at the table next to us.

I patted Miley's back and sighed. "She missed breakfast this morning. Most important meal of the day, you know."


When school finally ended, Oliver and I had to wait, like, five whole minutes for Miley to say goodbye to Crocodile Kyle. It's amazing how stressed out she can be, then the second he appears, she goes into "La La Giggle About Everything Land" and forgets just about anything else alive and breathing except him.

While we were waiting just outside the front steps, I decided to take note of the hateful expression on Oliver's face while he watched Miley giggle some more and twirl her hair as she talked to Kyle. I smirked; he was totally jealous. I had to take advantage of the situation.

"Something bothering you, Ollie?"

He blew a puff of air irritably, and some of his bangs went upward. "No."

"You suuuuure? You look awfully mad." I batted my eyelashes at him innocently.

However, his eyes still hadn't left Miley. "Well, you know, I really want to go to Rico's because I'm starving to death, but Miley is over there wasting time with some stupid idiot who can't keep his hands or lips to himself."

I started laughing so hard that it hurt my stomach. He finally faced me.

"What?"

I laughed a little more. "Oliver, why can't you just admit you're jealous already?"

"Because it's not true!" he argued. "I'm just really hungry! And that… that… jerkasaurus over there is interfering with my stomach's happiness!"

"Jerkasaurus? What are we, in kindergarten?"

He narrowed his eyes, turning back to scoff at Miley and Kyle some more. "Well, just look at him. You can't tell me you actually approve of that crocodile."

Truthfully, I really don't approve of him since I want Oliver and Miley to get together already, but I decided to try and push some more of Oliver's buttons anyways.

"Well, that crocodile sure makes her smile. Haha, hey, I rhymed!" As amused as I was at this, Oliver didn't seem pleased at all—his eyes had transformed into thin slits. "Oh, stop, if he makes her happy, then I don't see any problem here."

Oliver seemed to be fuming at my statement. "Well, I do!"

"And what's that?"

He started sputtering the beginnings of incoherent sentences.

"What?" I cupped my ear like I couldn't hear him. "Couldn't catch that…"

"Just… just… he's a stupid pretty boy jock!"

I chuckled. "Oliver, who cares? He makes her happy. Shouldn't that be enough?"

"No, actually it's not enough!" He turned to me, and I was surprised to see fire in his eyes. "He doesn't even know her! None of her boyfriends ever do! They all just see a pretty face. Just like when she's Hannah Montana. They don't know the actual person under the wig! At that Kissing Booth, all those losers are gonna pucker up just so they can kiss a pair of pretty celebrity lips! When I actually know who I'll be in line to kiss!"

I was flabbergasted at this outburst, so I couldn't really speak. I hadn't expected him to say anything like that.

He was breathing like he was out of breath from being so mad, and then he got dead silent in realization of what he had just blurted.

"Er… that doesn't… mean… anything," he pieced the statement together awkwardly.

I finally smiled. "Uh huh."

"Lilly, seriously."

"Uh huh."

"Lilly," his tone seemed to be warning me like he was going to hurt me. But like that would ever happen. So I pressed on.

"Uh huh."

"LILLY!"

"Uh huh! You love her."

"I do not!"

"Yes you do! You loooove her! You wanna kiiiisss her! At the kiiiissing booth! I'm gonna wiiiiin!" I followed my little chant by performing the "running man" dance move.

Oliver's face was scorching red by then. "I don't wanna kiss her! No, no, I don't! Really! Lilly! LILLY! LISTEN TO ME!"

I didn't even really hear what he was saying, to tell you the truth. I was too busy dancing my victory dance.

"Stop dancing!"

I shook my hips back and forth and cried out a, "Neeever!"

He grabbed my arm to stop me anyways. "Ow!" I shouted as I came to a halt and shoved him off me. "Okay, fine, yeesh!"

"I don't love Miley," he told me calmly, but so firmly that it almost seemed like the truth for a second. But only almost. "I mean, I do… just… not in the way you think."

I felt my eyebrows rise. "Suure, Oliver. I believe you."

"Great! I knew you'd finally—you're lying, aren't you?!"

"Maaaybe."

"Lilly—"

"Oh, come off it, Oliver," I interjected. "You can't honestly sit here and tell me that you haven't realized you have a staring problem when it comes to Miley. And you know you think she's pretty. You'd be crazy not to. You and I both know why you really don't like Kyle. I mean, seriously. I won't tell her, I just think you need to stop swimming in the Nile River already!"

He shifted uncomfortably. "I don't… stare at her." And hiccupped.

I grinned widely. "Nuh uh, you hiccupped! You're lying!"

"No! I just burped!" Another hiccup. He covered his mouth in horror.

"You stare at Miley and you know it!"

"No I don't!"

Hiccup."You're hiccupping!" I said happily.

"I am not!"

"You're a hiccup-otamus swimming in the Nile River!" I went on with a bigger smile. "Who loooves to stare at Miley!"

"NO!"

Hiccup.

"NO NO NO!"

Hiccup, hiccup, hiccup.

"AH, OKAY, SOMETIMES!"

Hiccup, hiccup.

"OKAY, ALL THE TIME! JUST MAKE IT STOP!"

I started bouncing up and down I was so overjoyed. "You like her! You love her! YES, YOU FINALLY ADMIT YOU LOVE MI—!"

Oliver shoved his hands around my mouth. I furrowed my brows at him.

"Okay," he whispered strictly. "So maybe I do have some weird new feelings about Miley… but if you ever, I mean, ever tell anyone… I'll… well, I don't know what I'll do. Probably kill you."

He let his hands off of my lips so I could speak again. "I'm just happy you finally admit it. It's gonna be pretty hard for you to win our little bet now, eh, lover boy?"

"Don't call me that! And I'll still win!"

"Yeah, right. You want to kiss her."

He grabbed the ends of his hair and pulled on them in frustration with his face glowing scarlet. "Gahhhhh!"

Luckily, Miley had finished talking with Kyle, and was just now approaching us, meaning she hopefully hadn't heard a word of what we just said. I watched in interest as she came skipping up behind Oliver with a smile.

"I gotta date with Kyle on Friday at the moooovies!" she was singing to herself happily, but the smile fell off her face immediately when she caught sight of Oliver looking as upset as he was.

"You finally told him?" she asked me, startling him enough to make him jump.

"T-t-told me what?"

I loved knowing the reason he was blushing and stuttering at her appearance. Fighting back a smile, I removed my backpack from my shoulder, beginning to dig through it again. "Not yet."

"What? What has she not told me yet?" Oliver repeated, blinking in confusion.

I threw the magazine at him. "Read it."

With his hands, he put it about two inches in front of his face. His eyes went back and forth, obviously reading the front page and taking it all in. Then, his mouth twitched.

"Oh, no!"

Miley heaved a frustrated sigh and glared at me. "See, Lilly! I'm not the only one making a big deal. Oliver's freaking out, too!"

"Those poor kittens never saw those frog men coming!" Oliver said sadly, shaking his head with a frown.

"Kittens?" Miley stared at him oddly.

I blushed in realization of what magazine I had accidentally thrown to him—the same one I had thrown to Miley earlier. I snatched it out of his hands to toss it back into my bag. Oliver looked confused.

Miley put her hands on her hips. "That was that 'Ten Kittens Mysteriously Abducted By Frog Men' thing again, wasn't it? Honestly, Lilly… why do you even have that?"

Oliver narrowed his eyes at her. "You don't even care about those kittens, do you?"

She slapped her hand to her forehead and ran it down her entire face in slow motion.

"Um, ehehe, it's my mom's?" I said, embarrassed, finally pulling out the right magazine from my bag. "Anyways, er, here's the real thing."

Oliver took it from me at once. Miley and I waited patiently as we could for his response. I was mentally preparing myself for anything.

He cleared his throat a couple of times and smiled. "Well now. That's me next to Hannah Montana. And I must say, I am hot stuff."

Before I could even attempt smacking the donut for his overconfidence, Miley grabbed the magazine from him and whacked him over the head with it.

"Don't you get it?!" she hissed. "Your beard is missing!"

After recovering from her attack, he re-examined the magazine. "Hey now, it is."

We stared at him, calmly waiting for him to go on.

I had thought I had readied myself with every kind of reaction possible, but what Oliver did was absolutely ridiculous and totally unexpected, yet something he would do at the same time.

He blinked a couple of times and rubbed his belly thoughtfully. "Anyways, I'm hungry. Let's go to Rico's already."

Miley's mouth fell open in disbelief.

I couldn't stand not watching any pain come to him from him being so stupid, so I grabbed the magazine from Miley and smacked him once more with it. There was immediate success in the pain department – he was whimpering.

"What? What'd I say now?"

"Without the beard, stupid, you're just Oliver in baggy clothes," I explained.

His eyes widened. "Wait. So that means… I'm… me… Oliver Oken… is on the cover of TeenzWeek Magazine…"

And just like that, his eyes rolled to the back of his head, and he fainted.

Miley and I just looked at each other. "Finally!"


WOO! Finally the donut admits it. Hooray. Anyways, feel free to review! I will love you forever and for always. And that's a good thing, not a scary thing… believe it or not. :)