omggg a whole week to myself to just write. :D

i hope you guys like this chapter when i get it up.

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It's been a day. It's been the longest, most difficult day you've ever had to live through and you barely slept last night and when you finally did, it was with her flower resting on your heart while you laid there, breathing in and out with your swollen eyes and your stupid "HG + GW" written all over your arm, even though you promised yourself you would stop doing that.

And now you're sitting on your bed again and you've got that one stupid flower, the only attempt at anything resembling acknowledgment from that one little girl and it broke your one stupid little heart and you're thinking about how you're just one stupid little person anyway, so it doesn't matter all that much whether or not your heart's functioning normally or it's shooting blood out your fingertips and beating inside your eye, you'd just hope that if that were the case, every mirror in the world would break before it happened.

You're wondering if it's even from her because whoever left that stupid flower next to your bed wasn't nice enough to leave a note saying who they were, but you never really told anybody so who else could it possibly be from?

And it's sad in a kind of pathetic way, really, that even though you tried to ask her earlier and you've got this flower sitting next to you and she walked up to you and fucking kissed you, you can't find the courage that you had six hours ago to just walk up to her and ask so that you just might be able to go to sleep at night again.

She's just a girl. She's one stupid girl and she shouldn't matter so much at all but she does, and even if she might not matter a year from now, there's still the chance that she might and the simple fact that right now she does matter is more than enough to make you want to hole yourself up in your room and never come out again.

And even then, you're wondering if she'd bother trying to break down all the walls you'd surround yourself with and if she'd try to get through to you, or if she'd just laugh and laugh and laugh and you'd suffocate.

--

Just breathe. Just stop and breathe, why don't you?

But you can't. You can't stop and you can't get her face out of your mind and you've got goosebumps and she's brushing against your arm just the tiniest little bit, but it's all you need and you're paralyzed.

She's right next to you and you're still terrified. She walked over and she sat next to you and you're still terrified that you've read everything wrong and nothing means anything at all to her, even though that's what you thought about Katie and you can see the edges of swollen, bright red cuts peeking out from under her clothes when she isn't careful now, so it's true that the know it all can be wrong too.

She's shy, you know that, but why won't she talk? You're not scary and you're not intimidating and it's not like you're really pretty (for some reason you've always been so scared of talking to people you thought were gorgeous) and she's got this stupid act she's putting on and doesn't she have to keep that image up or something?

And then you're realizing that maybe it's her way of showing you that you're different and she doesn't need her stupid act to make you fall in love with her and she doesn't need way too much makeup and stupid fake self confidence and she doesn't need to be stupid and self absorbed.

Or maybe you're just reading way too much into things and she doesn't want to talk to you.

Why does there always have to be a glaringly obvious, incredibly undesirable alternative to all of your hopeful, optimistic dreaming? You really do think that there's some guy with a curly mustache somewhere laughing and pointing his finger at you and maybe your entire life is a great big joke to him and everybody else and you're the only one who's taking yourself seriously and that's why Ginny doesn't really give a shit, after all.

Christ, your brain gets you good grades and everything, but really, you're sure that if you just ate it or something, you would have much better self esteem (assuming, of course, there was some way you could keep living while your brain was being digested)

"Hey.. Ginny?" You're asking, amazed in your ability to even speak.

When did it become such an accomplishment for you to just open your mouth in front of her?

It's hitting you for the thousandth time just how much can change in so little time and you're trying to remind yourself to be careful and you're trying to learn how to catch the signs before everything's gone and you end up looking back at how things are now and wishing that it would be like this again.

"Yeah?" But then she's looking at you and you're wondering if maybe she really is just way too shy to say anything to you. She's blushing just a tiny little bit and she just has this look and you don't have the words to describe it because she just stole all the words you ever could've had, but it just makes your stomach tingle and just looking at it makes you want to smile. It doesn't need to be soiled with any other words that just make it seem like every other beauitful thing in the world, so you'll just say that it's special and it makes you want to smile.

Just ask her. It's probably her and it's just a stupid question like all the thousands you've asked in class before, except this one won't decide whether or not you know the answer to the next test, so it's not even that important.

And what're you so scared of, anyway?

"Did you leave that flower in my room?" You're wishing that you weren't always so blunt about things. You're wishing that you could spit out all the perfect words like you used to be able to and you wish that you could convey emotion and every word would sound like poetry and nobody would ever be able to resist you and anybody you wanted would fall in love with you at the drop of a hat.

She's blushing. Oh, god, she's blushing, and it's the cutest thing that you've ever seen. It's even sweeter than the look and she's not saying anything and you can see her chewing nervously at the insides of your lips and you want to just grab her and tell her that there's nothing that she should ever be nervous about around you, but you know that that's another one of those things that you'll regret later, because you really do like the way she gets when she's nervous and when she doesn't know what to say and you don't want her to turn back into that cocky, overconfident girl that she is for everybody else in the world because she thinks it's what they want to see.

And then she's smiling just the tiniest little bit, and you're pretty sure it's because she's realizing that you're not angry or maybe she saw the look on your face and you think that it looks like you're hoping that she's going to say she did because that's what you're feeling.

"Uhm.. Maybe?"

--

She's laying next to you and she's the most beautiful girl that you've ever seen. Ever. Especially when her hair's all messed up and she's barely awake and you can just barely see her blue eyes and she's holding your hand and oh, god, she's beautiful.

She's the most amazing girl in the whole world, you're realizing as she snuggles against you and you're hoping that you'll be able to wake up in time to get her out of your room before your roommates wake up, because even though you really couldn't care less about what they say, you're sure she doesn't want anything to get started, considering how many siblings she has just in school.

And it's weird, because even though she's your girlfriend and it's not like you stripped her clothes off (without her consent, anyway) you still can't help but feel guilty. Not so much for staring at her or for sleeping with her or that she's a year younger than you, just that you got her. Silly little old you got the most amazing girl in the whole world, and you're just you. You're a plain old normal brainiac and there must be thousands of girls like you all over the world, but there's only one that's like her. There's only one Ginny Weasley and that's it. Nobody else comes close, and there's thousands of girls out there who're just like you.

And even though she's yours and you're hers, you can't help but feel jealous of everybody who's had her before you and even though you've slept with somebody else before too, you can't help but feel like you don't mean a thing to her and you're just another girl on a long, long list and you're another trophy on her wall.

"'Mione..?" She's mumbling tiredly, trying to smile as she kisses your cheek and looks at you through drooping eyelids. Christ, you've never seen something so cute, ever.

"Yeah?" You're whispering, grinning at her and kissing her forehead, wrapping your fingers around her hair absently,

"Have you ever.. uhm.. have you ever done this with anybody before?"

People really do need to stop reading your mind.

"What? Had a girlfriend? Not really no.."

"Well, I mean.." And she made a sort of awkward Gesture towards you and your clothes laying in a pile on the floor and your state of, well, nakedness.

"Oh.. well.. yeah.. I mean.." You're laughing nervously and looking down at yourself like, "well, we just did," and it's weird because she actually gets it.

"Before me?"

"Yeah?" Where's she going with this, anyway?

"Really?"

Why's she so surprised? Does she really think that you're so ugly that nobody would even sleep with you, or something?

"Haven't you?"

"You were my first."

And then you have no idea what to say, because you're realizing that everything you thought you knew about Ginny Weasley and everything you thought she felt about you was wrong. It was so, so wrong.

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:D i found a cafe that has wifi on the island.. soo.. have a chapter!