"Harley, what an unexpected surprise," said Selina Kyle, opening the door to Harley Quinn. "What are you doing here, and without your usual clown baggage?"

"Yeah, he dumped me again," muttered Harley. "But it's not his fault this time – it's Batman's."

"Sure," said Selina, sarcastically. "Why blame your boyfriend for his completely standard cruelty when you could blame mine?"

"Good, you're still seeing each other," said Harley. "Have you seen him recently?"

"Yeah," said Selina. "Why?"

"Has he been discussing…switching sides recently?" asked Harley.

Selina stared at her. "You mean like…sexually or…"

"No, I mean like morally and philosophically coming over to the side of the criminal," said Harley. "Wait, he hasn't talked about switching sides sexually, has he?"

"No," retorted Selina. "But frankly, that's about as plausible as him coming over to the criminal side."

"See, I knew it!" exclaimed Harley. "I knew this was all just an act!"

"What was all just an act?" asked Selina.

"Bats showed up saying Mr. J was right all along, and he's finally seen the light," said Harley. "But I know it's not true, and just some cheap trick he's pulling, but I don't know why."

"You sure it's Batman?" asked Selina.

"Mr. J's sure," retorted Harley. "I'd believe him over anyone."

"Well, in that case, you're probably right – it is probably a trick," said Selina, nodding. "Though it's not his usual style, I must admit. Batman's a pretty straightforward guy, aside from the whole secret identity thing. If it's a trick, it's probably been set up by someone else."

Selina thought, and suddenly snapped her fingers. "He had to leave early this morning in order to get to a Justice League meeting at the Watchtower. Maybe this is something they've set up?"

"The Justice League?" repeated Harley, frowning. "Why would they wanna trick Mr. J?"

"Revenge for him tricking them?" asked Selina, shrugging. "Hasn't he pulled some pretty crazy stunts on them over the years?"

"Oh yeah!" laughed Harley. "He's done it all! He once attached banana peels to the bottom of the Flash's suit, so he slid into a wall and gave himself a concussion! And then there was the time he snuck the Kryptonite into Superman's food, which made him sick for a week!"

"Didn't he flash Wonder Woman once?" asked Selina.

"No," retorted Harley, glaring at her. "That wouldn't be funny."

"I'm pretty sure he did, though," said Selina.

"Well, I'm pretty sure he didn't!" snapped Harley. "He woulda told me about that!"

"I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have," retorted Selina. "Anyway, I guess it's a possible explanation, but it does seem kinda petty for the Justice League. I would have thought they'd have bigger things to worry about – there's probably some alien civilization poised to attack the earth or something. That kinda crap is always happening with them around – I think they attract the freaks. That's certainly Lex's theory anyway."

"Yeah, Lex," muttered Harley, her eyes narrowing suddenly. "He's not planning anything against them, is he?"

"How should I know?" retorted Selina. "He's building a nature preserve for me because he owes me, but that doesn't mean we have long talks about our plans for the future. I think he's kinda a creep, personally, and it doesn't surprise me that Ivy dated him, because that's her type."

"Yeah, she has terrible taste in men," said Harley, nodding.

"Said the pot to the kettle," retorted Selina. "Anyway, I helped Lex out to help my cats, not because I like him or want to talk to him about his philosophy on superheroes doing more harm than good."

"It's just…maybe if he's planning something, maybe the Justice League sent Batman to get close to Mr. J so Mr. J could lead him to Lex, or at least tell him Lex's plan," said Harley. "That kinda makes sense, right?"

"Sure," said Selina, shrugging. "But they're gonna be really disappointed when they find out Lex's plan is just this animal sanctuary. And Batman's gonna be pissed that he went through all that effort for nothing. Pretending to be friends with the Joker must be killing him."

"He's not a very good actor, but Mr. J is buying it," sighed Harley. "That's why he dumped me, because I suggested Bats was faking this whole thing. But then he's always dreamed of Batman joining him in insanity one day, and having the two of them driving around in a van solving mysteries."

"Like Scooby-Doo?" asked Selina.

"I guess," said Harley, shrugging. "It ain't my dream. Anyway, if you wanna be fooled, you will be, and Mr. J really wants to be fooled about this. I'm just worried he's gonna get his heart broken when he finds out the truth. It's just gonna crush him."

"If I were you, I'd be less concerned about the feelings of a man who clearly has no regard for your feelings," retorted Selina. "A man who dumps you because he doesn't like you suggesting that his arch enemy might be faking at being his friend. If he doesn't treat you with basic respect or courtesy, why should you give a damn about his feelings?"

"Because I love him," retorted Harley. "He may be a massive jerk sometimes, but I love him."

"Idealism over sense," sighed Selina, shaking her head. "You and Batman have more in common than you think."

"Yeah, right," sniffed Harley. "I wish Mr. J could see that if it's true. Then maybe he'd be as excited to hang out with me as he is hanging out with Batman."

There was a knock on Selina's door. "Kittypie, it's me! And I've got a swell surprise for you! You know, it's a good day to stop flossing!"

"Well, speak of the devil," sighed Selina, going over to answer the door. "It's the BS bromance!"

She opened the door. "Bet you're kinda shocked to see your boyfriend hanging out with the likes of me, huh?" asked Joker, smiling at her.

"No," retorted Selina, glaring at Batman. "He does a lotta weird things. But I have lost a little respect for him for going through with this underhanded charade set up by the Justice League."

"I don't know what you're talking about, Selina," said Batman, through gritted teeth. "This isn't a charade. The Joker and I are friends now."

"Sure, and I'm a dog person," retorted Selina, folding her arms across her chest. "Just how dumb do you think I am?"

"Well, I've known you a lotta years, kitty, and I'd say you're just slightly smarter than the average feline," chuckled Joker. "Now, as I was saying, you know, it's a good day to stop flossing."

Selina sighed. "Fine, I'll get your stupid present," she muttered. "By the way, is it true you flashed Wonder Woman once?"

"Oh yeah," chuckled Joker. "And judging by her face, she liked what she saw! Of course any woman would be distracted by my massive…"

He trailed off when he saw Harley standing behind Selina, glaring at him. "My massive…bomb," he finished. "It was a bomb vest that I flashed her with, you see…"

"Mr. J, how could you?!" shrieked Harley.

"It was just a joke, baby - she was expecting to see the Full Joker, but she saw a bomb instead!" exclaimed Joker.

"Wait, you did what?" demanded Batman, rounding on him. "Why would you do that to Wonder Woman?"

"Because it was funny!" snapped Joker. "Because pulling pranks on those straight-laced losers is what I do, and what you'll do as my sidekick!"

"I'm not flashing anyone," said Batman.

"For the last time, it was a flash bomb!" snapped Joker. "Get it?! Flash bomb! But now that I think about it, I guess the Flash would have been a more suitable target for the joke…maybe strapping him to a bomb would have made it more obvious…"

"Oh, c'mon, Bats, it's nothing Wonder Woman wouldn't have seen before in your case," snorted Harley.

"What's that supposed to mean?" demanded Selina, returning with an identical gift box.

"Bats and her used to go out," said Harley. "Didn't you know that? Everyone knows that."

"No, he…didn't tell me that," growled Selina, glaring at Batman again. "So when you left here to meet with the Justice League this morning, you were actually going to see your ex-girlfriend, is that it?"

"No, Selina, it was just a couple of dates a long time ago…" began Batman.

"Oh, and I suppose Little Miss Goody Two Shoes really knew how to pleasure a man, considering she didn't meet one until she was 800 years old!" snapped Selina. "Yeah, I bet she was incredible!"

"Hey, he said two dates, kitty – there's no hanky panky until the third!" snapped Joker.

"We had hanky panky on our first date!" snapped Harley.

"We didn't date!" retorted Joker. "And it was our third therapy session, as you well know!"

"It just didn't work out, and we agreed we wouldn't see each other anymore, and remain platonic colleagues…" continued Batman.

"And that's when you came crawling back to me, huh?" demanded Selina. "When you'd had enough of the pure and perfect symbol of ultimate womanhood, you fall back on the thief, is that how it is? How could I possibly compete with her?! But you figure you might as well just settle for the stray cat just so you're not lonely at night, right?!"

"Selina, it's not like that…" began Batman.

"I don't care what it's like – just take your stupid box!" shouted Selina, throwing it at Batman.

"Woah, careful with that!" snapped Joker, catching it.

"You two deserve each other!" shouted Selina. "You're both a couple of lying rats who treat the women in your lives appallingly! I hope you're stuck with each other for the rest of your miserable lives!"

She slammed the door in their faces. They turned and headed back to the car, when the door opened again and Harley was shoved out after them.

"It's not my fault he didn't tell you, Selina!" she snapped, glaring at the closed door as she straightened up.

"It's entirely your fault, you little brat!" snapped Joker. "And now thanks to you, Batsy's relationship with the kitty is over! Look at him – he's heartbroken!" he exclaimed, pointing at Batman, who looked his regular, emotionless self.

"He looks the same as he always does," retorted Harley.

"He's putting on a brave face, but he's dying inside!" snapped Joker. "And it's all your fault!"

"It's nothing less than he deserves for deceiving you, puddin'…" began Harley.

"For the last time, he's not deceiving me!" roared Joker. "I know him!"

"No, you don't!" cried Harley. "You only see what you wanna see! You wanna believe the best in him even when it's not there!"

"Oh, just stop with the shrink speak for once!" shouted Joker. "Maybe you think that's true because that's obviously what you do for me, but it's not true for Bats!"

Harley stared at him. "Are you saying I'm the delusional one for thinking the best of you?" she murmured. "Are you saying I'm stupid for loving you?"

"Of course you are!" shouted Joker. "And you must be thick as a brick for not getting it by now, Harley! You mean nothing to me! You're a worthless little distraction who's gotten in the way of my happiness for far too long! And now that I finally have what I've always wanted, you're trying to get in the way of that! But get this, toots! I don't love you, I never loved you, and everything I ever told you was a lie! My life is finally fulfilled, with my Bat buddy at my side, and I want you to stay the hell out of it before you screw it up again, the way you always screw up everything, and the way you just screwed up Batsy's relationship! But I am not letting your ridiculous suspicions and your stupid jealousy come between me and the only person I have ever cared about! And guess what, Harley? That ain't you! If either of us is the pathetic delusional here, it's you, and frankly, I'm sick of indulging you! So just get lost, you useless, incompetent, sorry excuse for a henchwench! Oh, and by the way, I think Wonder Woman was a little interested. Assuming Batsy doesn't mind, maybe I'll ask her out once I've got rid of the pathetic little broad hanging like a noose around my neck! It'd be nice to see what a real woman is like, for once!"

Harley grew more heartbroken with each word, and Batman watched the tears gather in her eyes. She sobbed, and raced off into the streets without another word.

"I do mind, about the whole Wonder Woman thing," spoke up Batman, when they were back in the car and driving.

"Oh, I just said that to rile her – I ain't really gonna ask her out," muttered Joker. "She ain't my type. Too…y'know...boring. Like a female version of Superman, no offense."

"Speaking of Superman, are we going to go see Lex now?" asked Batman.

"Yeah," sighed Joker. "No doubt to listen to another diatribe about how this is all an act, and you can't possibly have joined me. I don't get why it's so hard for people to accept."

Batman studied him. Joker's face was completely serious, for once, and Batman almost felt a twinge of remorse about what he was doing. If Joker truly believed him, it honestly would crush him when he found out Harley and everyone else was right. But then he remembered the horrible things Joker had said to Harley, and felt less guilty. Batman had been horrible to her in order to complete his mission – Joker had been horrible to her because that's what he did. And if he was truly so callous toward someone so clearly devoted to him, Batman figured breaking his heart was kinda impossible, since he clearly didn't have one.