Although summers are nice in Washington, nighttime still tends to get chilly. Especially by the beach and more so in this cabin.
The air feels especially cold against my skin today.
And I can't seem to fall asleep.
I can hear Jacob's even breathing so I guess he fell asleep already. I wasn't expecting a heart to heart or anything (although Alice had told me once that girls sleeping in the same room meant a lot of gossip and no sleeping), but I still find it strange that we're sharing a room and he hasn't said as much as a "good night."
Sometimes I wonder if he hates me. If a deep part of him hates me for dragging him to our house. I hope not. I guess we did force it a bit, but I couldn't have just left him out in the wilderness, right?
Right?
I still wonder what he was doing there in the first place. I can only guess that he has some dark secret for living there by himself. Is he a fugitive? Did he run away from home? Does he even have parents? Any relative, for that matter? If he had family...why would they let him live like that? Like some sort of mountain animal?
Back to the issue of potentially hating me. I sincerely hope that he doesn't. While I'm not the type of person to need others to accept me or like me, something about him bothers me. I can't quite put it into words, but when he keeps his distance from me or watches me warily, I feel something akin to...feeling hurt? It's not sadness. No, it's something deeper than that, but I can't quite put a finger on it.
But today was definitely different. I don't know how the beach put him in a very good mood, but I saw him smiling a few tims throughout the day. I think it's the first time I've seen him smile like that. Thinking about it now, I feel...something...I don't know what it is though.
This guy is really messing with me.
I look down onto the floor where Jacob is sleeping. The moonlight is shining directly onto his face. He always looks so peaceful when he sleeps. I feel a bit creepy staring at him while he's sleeping, but I find it difficult to tear my eyes aay from him.
I roll around and face the ceiling again. It seems like I won't be getting much sleep tonight.
Before I get a chance to start counting sheeps, I hear faint whimpering noise. It's not coming from outside...I think it's actually coming from...
"Jacob?" I whisper as I turn back to look at him. He still has his eyes shut, but he's tossing and turning slightly. Now he's frowning and whimpering again. Is he having a nightmare? What do I do?
Should I wake him up?
"Jacob?" I call out a bit louder this time, but Jacob doesn't seem to register my voice. I carefull get off the bed and kneel next to him.
"Jacob, wake up. You're having a nightmare."
He's not listening.
But as soon as I put a hand on his shoulder to wake him up, I find myself pinned against the floor.
And then I feel it. The pain from hitting the wooden floor so suddenly. I can't breathe, and my eyes won't focus. I can vaguely feel something heavy pressing against my chest and strong hands gripping my shoulders painfully.
Christ, that hurt!
I force my lungs to breathe, but I can't seem to. In fact, I can't seem to do anything but blink and try to clear my vision.
What the hell just happened?
A pair of eyes are staring into mine. It sends a shiver down my spine, and I realize that I'm actually scared. I know those eyes belong to Jacob, and yet they're foreign. They make me want to scream, to run away, to hide...but I can't do any of that.
Before I can even force my mouth to move, to say a word or make some kind of noise, he jumps away from him, and in a flash, he's against the wall, his eys downcast. This is the second time he's had attacked me in his sleep, and it makes me wonder just what kind of dream he's having to react so violently.
I try to gather myself, to rationalize the situation. I have to remind myself that I'm not in imminent danger and that I'm not going to actually die tonight.
"I'm sorry..."
And with that, he flees from the room before I can even utter a word.
I try to stand up, feeling every muscle in my body starting to ache already. My legs are trembling. I can't believe this is all happening...am I dreaming? Had I fallen asleep?
Shit, what am I doing, I have to go find him!
I force my legs to move, and in no time, I'm running out the cabin too. It's dark, and the moon is my only source of light. Luckily, the moon's almost full tonight, so it's not too bad. I contemplate getting a flashlight, but decide against it. Judging from how fast he was running, I don't have the time to return to the cabin.
"Jacob! Jacob!" I yell his name as I run. I'm sure I'm waking up everyone in the vicinity, since I know there are a couple of cabins nearby, but I don't care. I just know I have to find him quickly.
"Jacob! Please! I know you can hear me! Come on, let's talk!" My lungs are burning now. I don't know how long I've been running, yelling his name. Why the hell are there so many damn trees? "Jacob! Come on!"
I run towards the beach but see nothing. I only see the gentle waves brushing up against the empty shore. Running back towards the cabin, I see another small forest. I remember that Alice and I used to hide in it when we were little. Maybe..
"Jacob! Where are-oomph!" I realized I've run into something. Hard. Did I really just run into a tree? Today is not a good day for me. I think I've broken every bone in my body. The ground doesn't do much to cushion my fall.
I look up from the ground and see a familiar figure looking at me. He has his back against the moonlight so I can't tell for sure, but he's eyes have returned to those of the Jacob I know. They're no longer menacing or violent. They just look...pained. And now I don't know which is worse.
"Jacob...Thank God, you're OK..." I force a smile and get off the ground, brushing the dirt and sand away. I'm probably going to ache a lot tomorrow, but I don't care. I found him in one piece, and he doesn't look so...violent anymore.
"I told you I would hurt you," His voice is barely above a whisper, but it rings so loudly in my head.
"What are you talking about?" I try to look into his eyes, but he's avoiding it.
"Didn't I tell you that I'd hurt you if I stayed? And look what's happened!" He's yelling now, and honestly, it scares me. I can almost hear a low growling undertone to his voice, and I subconsiously take a step back. He sees me and clenches his jaws.
"Look, you were just having a nightmare, and I surprised you. It's not a big deal..." I try to reason with him, or at least try to calm him down. I know from personal experience how strong he is, and I doubt that aggrevating him is going to end well for me.
"NO!" He snarls and takes a step forward, so I take another one back. "Don't you get it? Maybe today you're OK. But what about next time! What if it's a lot worse? What if I..."
"Hey, I'm OK, you're OK. We're fine, right? Why don't we-"
"It's not OK!" His eyes looks straight into mine, and I'm instantly frozen on the spot. I feel vulnerable, as if I'm facing a beast ready to attack me. I don't know how to reason with him. Honestly, I doubt I'm going to make out of this unharmed.
"Jacob..." I can only manage to whisper his name out loud, hoping that he'd hear me and calm down. To go back to the Jacob I was used to know.
And it worked.
The tension in his shoulders loosen, and he's back to staring at his feet. I didn't even realize I was just as tensed until I relaxed as well.
"I'm sorry...for everything...I'm sorry..."
Is it safe now? Can I walk up to him now without angering him?
I take my chances and walk up to him slowly, watching carefully for any sign of sudden movement or change in his mood. Luckily, he doesn't even budge.
"I won't even ask you what you were dreaming of or about what just happened. Just, don't run away like that, OK? I'll be careful not to wake you up like that. Problem solved."
We're only a few inches away. Now that the adrenaline is wearing off, I realize I've been running around without shoes on. My feet are prickling, and it's quite chilly outside. The leg I hurt up in the mountain is throbbing now. Shoot, I forgot about that. This leg is probably never going to recover at the rate I'm going.
I sit back on the ground, feeling completely worn out all of a sudden. I feel the need to rest a little bit before I return to the cabin. The ground isn't too comfortable to be sitting on, but it's better than nothing.
"Hey, take a seat," I offer Jacob. He eyes me warily, the same look that makes me feel all...strange inside, but he sits anyway. He's keeping his distance again. At least he looks like he's calmed down completely.
"You know how I just said I won't ask about what just happend? I won't but...if you want to tell me anything, anytime, promise me you will, OK?" I ask hesitantly, because the truth is, I do want to know why he had reacted that. What makes him so uneasy all the time. I'm not sure if I'm ready to hear about his history or reasons, but a much greater part of me wants to risk it.
Jacob nods hesistantly. I highly doubt he will, thought. But I can wait, just like I had promised.
There is a moment silence between the two of us. He's sitting completely still, and I can't tell if he's thinking or just blanking out.
"Can I ask you something?" I interrupt he silence.
He nods again.
"Do you...regret living with us?" I have to force the question, because I'm not sure what to say if he does say he regrets it.
He gives me a look I can't decipher. It's not neutral...there's definitely something, but I can't tell what it is, and that's very frustrating.
"Do you hate me for dragging you along to live with us? Do you miss...living on that mountain?" I ask carefully, not sure if I even want to hear the answer. What if he does hate me? Do I just send him back to the mountain and hope he lives happily ever after? Ugh, it already sounds silly...releasing a person back into the wild. Like some...zoo-kept animal.
It's quiet again. Neither of us moves or even looks at each other.
"No...I don't.."
"To both questions?" I ask like some child before I can stop myself.
"...yeah."
We sit still in silence again. I feel relieved, although there is no way of knowing if he's telling me the truth or just trying to be polite.
"I like...living with your family. But...I should go back," he adds suddenly.
What does he mean by that? I turn to look at him. He's fidgeting nervously, twisting his fingers around in his hands.
"Why? I mean, if you like living with us...just live with us."
"It's not that simple."
"OK, then tell me why it's so complicated."
"I can't."
I inhale and exhale slowly, trying to keep my temper in check. As angry as I am, I know better than to start yelling and aggrevate him. It already took a lot of energy and potentially catastrophic moments to calm him down. No need to get him all riled up again.
"Well, then I'm telling you it's going to be OK. Whatever issue is that you have, I swear it'll be OK."
I slowly take my hand to his, trying to stop him from pulling on his fingers so nervously. His skin feels like it's on fire, but I ignore it. I take one of his hand carefully around mine and gently pry it away from his other hand. My hand feels so small and fragile against his. It should have hurt my ego, but it didn't.
"It'll be OK. I promise."
I don't even know what I'm promising. Or the weight of what I'm saying. But one thing I'm sure of is that I want to reassure him that it'll be alright to stay with us. That he can enjoy what he has in life, free from whatever is holding him back.
It may be an immature notion, to think that I can help him or keep him safe from something that I don't even know of...but a part of me truly believes I can do something about it. I stare at my hand, now wrapped around his much larger one. His hand feels so strong, but he doesn't seem to be...
I inch closer towards him, still holding onto his hand. It should feel unnatural, but strangely, I feel much more comfortable with the physical contact. I sit right next to him, brushing my arm against his. He doesn't flinch or move away.
We sit there in silence. Not bothered by it. If anything, I feel absolute calm...
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"There you are! Christ! You had us worried!"
I jump at the sudden noise. It's...morning? Did I seriously fall asleep out here?
Ugh, my back...actually, my everything aches. Yup, I definitely must've fallen asleep.
I come face to face with a seemingly very angry Alice, who is now tapping her right foot, her arms crossed against her chest. I feel my hand entangled in something, so I look down and see that I'm still holding hands with Jacob. He's clearly still trying to wake up from what I'm guessing was a nice, deep slumber.
I let go of his hand immediately.
Oh man, it's a lot more embarrassing now for some reason...
"You could've told us you were going to go on some lovers'-"
"Stop!" I yell immediately, because Alice is clearly trying to say something that's going to make it very awkward between Jacob and me. I understand that sleeping next to each other holdings hands may come off as something...other than what it actually was, but I don't need her to make weird jokes about it, or turn it into something it clearly wasn't.
This is bad.
"We must've fallen asleep, sorry," I mumble a half-assed apology.
"Uh huh, sure. While holding hands?"
I shoot her a warning look. "It's not what it looks like, OK? What time is it?"
"A little past 8. Mom and dad were really worried. We've been looking all over for you. Way to go without your phone," Alice explains, still giving me this knowing look I absolutely hate most of the time.
"Whatever, let's head back. Jacob, you OK?" I ask, although Jacob looks completely well-rested and surprisingly unfazed by the stuff Alice said. Wonder if he heard everything or was zoning out?
He nods in answer and gets off the ground with ease, while I barely manage not to fall. It feels like a truck ran me over. A few times. Seems like I've getting into a lot more physical trouble these days. My bad leg is refusing to cooperate with me, and it makes me wonder if I should have dad check up on it. But I decide against it, because it'd mean I'd have to explain how it happened in the first place.
Thank you so much for the wonderful reviews! A guest had written "At least let them share the bed!"...well, that didn't happen, but at least they fell asleep holding hands! :3 Please review!
