A/n: Before we begin I want to thank the reviewers again! So to ConfessObsess, XsummergreyX, Coffeefilterart, orchidluv, marymary123 and Saltycocacola, thank you so much for your feedback on the previous chapter! I truly, unequivocally am grateful that you took the time for me.


Chapter 7

Bpov

I turned my head away and fumbled with the edge of the sheet that was still covering my body up to my breasts. I hadn't put on clothes yet since waking up, or rather since taking that shower, but I felt suddenly more naked than before. I had already cried so much at just the knowledge of what happened, had broken down knowing what Edward knew, what he had seen, what he might be thinking. But now that words were being spoken about it I felt my entire being shrivel into a nugget of shame.

What Edward was saying wasn't making any sense. My lips started trembling again, cries of agony slowly roiling in my stomach and wanting to make their way up to my throat. But I had no energy or moisture left in my body to cry more. My headache was coming back by force and my sinuses were completely clogged.

"Did you hear me, Bella?" Edward's voice was much softer again, the determination having made way for suffocating sadness. It was suffocating me. I didn't deserve any sadness or pity or admiration or whatever he wanted to throw at me. I wasn't worth any of these things. I was just a nugget of shame.

I shook my head. I had heard his words, but I hadn't heard him the way he meant. The marriage, our bond, our future, I'd broken it. I was disgusted at the idea of me with him. I could never let Edward be with this thing I was.

And my head was hurting really badly. I squeezed my eyes shut against the pounding pain. A smooth, ice-cold hand lightly pressed against my forehead. I flinched in surprise at first, but then leaned my head into his cool hand and sighed. It relieved the pain and heat of the fever just a little.

My head almost started lolling a few minutes into this. I was exhausted and I felt my consciousness drift a little.

"Drink some more water." Edward instructed me as he removed his hand, careful not to let my head fall, and pushed a new bottle of water into my hands. "You can take another painkiller if you want, then go back to sleep. Though it might be good for you to eat a little more with the medication."

I made a non-committal sound. I'd make the effort to drink the water, but I really couldn't eat more now. He put a pill in my palm and I swallowed with about a quarter of the bottle. Edward coaxed me into drinking another quarter and then let me roll back into the quilt. I was slightly too warm again, but I knew I'd be cold without the quilt. And soon I was too far to be bothered by it anyway.


Epov

I retreated into the corner of the bedroom, defeated. I watched the quiet night outside and Bella in turns as I mulled over our conversation in my head. Why had she rejected my words? She really, truly believed she had cheated on me? It was so preposterous I couldn't comprehend how she could hold onto that belief after I'd made clear to her it was wrong. I concluded the fever was impairing her cognitive functioning. I knew it wasn't true, as certainly as I knew the earth was a globe and that I'd never be able to keep on roaming it without Bella. So stubborn. I thought as I looked back at her.

I was happy to see her peacefully sleeping again though, and that she'd gotten some more water into her. She'd been dehydrated to start with and she'd probably cried out every ounce of liquid I'd managed to make her drink. The soup hadn't gone down too well and in case she refused to eat more of it I started to think of alternatives.

Sweet hot beverages were often offered in comfort for people in shock or during hard emotional times. Alcohol too, but that was absolutely out of the question now. I'd look up some recipes later, something along the lines of hot chocolate or other creamy drinks.

Bella slept soundly through the early hours of the morning, maybe thanks to the painkiller. I stayed standing by the widow in the corner of the room, watching over her, until a nearly imperceptible knock on the door alerted me to Alice and Jasper's arrival.

I eagerly rushed to the front door and let my sister and brother in, sighing in relief at the arrival of help. Alice only had to look into my eyes for the tiniest sliver of a second to understand what state I was in.

"Oh Edward!" She cooed comfortingly as she hugged me tightly. I wasn't all that fond of physical contact, other than with Bella, but my sister's warm affection felt too good to turn away. "I'm really, really sorry."

I knew she was also apologising for her lack of foresight, but I was too relieved to have her here to really be angry at her. Besides, all my anger was focused on three particular human individuals. All other anger paled in comparison.

"It's okay, Alice. What happened happened…there's no way back now." I added in a heartbroken whisper. It wasn't something I wanted to admit. I wanted so much for it not to be true, that we could turn back time. "So you didn't see anything? At all?"

I led them to the sofa's. Jasper dropped their bags off there. Our apartment only had one bedroom, at Bella's request for a reasonably priced place, so Alice and Jasper were going to have to stay in the living room. Not a particularly great living arrangement, but I didn't want them far away in a hotel room, and there was no time for apartment hunting.

"No." Alice shook her head, a frown of confusion etched on her marble face. "It's like nothing happened. I…" She paused for a bit, thinking back. "I just felt a little weird and unsettled last Tuesday night. I attributed it to me meeting my family at the time, but it had a precognition feel, though no images came up."

"How long has she been sleeping?" Jasper asked suddenly, his gaze fixed in puzzlement on the bedroom door.

I was taken aback by the question, not sure what he meant by it. I answered nonetheless. "About five hours and fifteen minutes."

"So she's about halfway her fourth sleep cycle. She should be in NREM 3, or if her cycles are longer she might still be in NREM 1 or 2." He was talking more to himself than to us. I was still confused as to why he was discussing her sleep cycle. I didn't recollect him having any particular interest in neurology. Jasper seemed to realise Alice and me weren't following. "I should be getting something from her, even in sleep. I thought it might help to determine which stage she was in, but no matter, both NREM and REM sleep are accompanied with some kind of thoughts and emotions."

"You don't feel anything?" Alice's frown from before deepened. I felt my own face straining to understand.

Jasper shook his head. "Not a thing. If I didn't hear her heartbeat I couldn't even tell she's in there."

Would there be no end to my worry? What could this mean? Jasper had had no previous troubles feeling her. And Alice, despite having more trouble seeing humans, had been perfectly able to see her future. Until now.

"Hey Edward, calm down." Alice's hand shot up to grasp my upper arm. "This isn't necessarily a bad thing." I raised my brows at her. From our silent thought conversations she knew it meant 'excuse me?'. "You can't hear her thoughts, remember?"

I suddenly understood what she was alluding to. "Her mental barrier?" I tried to put it into words. We had never actually discussed why her mind was silent to me in depth. Bella had always assumed something was wrong with her brain, and I had just accepted it as fact. A frustrating fact. But since she'd always had that ability, it might be the same thing blocking Alice and Jasper from seeing or sensing something from her.

"Whatever it is, it's gotten stronger." Jasper continued Alice's train of thought. "I've felt emotions from people experiencing shock and trauma before, and they do have a tendency to numb and shield their thoughts and emotions. It's like they're retreating further away from me."

Alice nodded. "It's not that much of a stretch for Bella to shield herself in an attempt at self-preservation. After what she's been through." She explained. Her lips formed a thin, strained line as she said this. Jasper responded to the emotions flooding his mate and took her into his arms. I felt a little out of place and retreated to the farthest couch, intending to look up those recipes for warm, rich drinks. I could finally send someone out for groceries and medicine.

Before I even opened up my browser though both of them were sitting next to me, their hands intertwined but otherwise collected. Alice sat closest to me, her posture showing me she wanted to reach out to me. I didn't feel like more physical contact though. I felt a little jealous at their love and proximity, while my Bella was lost somewhere inside herself. I felt alone.

"What is it that she went through exactly?" Alice asked me. "I only know what you told me, or were going to tell me, on the phone. That she was raped." I noticed a tiny tremble in her voice on that last word. At least she'd managed to say it outright and without hesitation. I hadn't quite managed to say it, though I'd been speaking to Bella at the time. I hadn't wanted to distress her further if she wasn't ready.

I inhaled deeply and set the laptop back on the coffee table. I felt duelling emotions about speaking about it. On the one hand I wanted to talk about it, to relieve myself of the burden a little by sharing it with my closest family members. On the other hand I didn't like to face the thoughts that came along with confronting the rape. There was shame, guilt and self-loathing for leaving Bella unprotected, for not being there to help her during what must've been among the most horrifying moments of her life, for not being able to even do much now that I was by her side, and last of all, for not really wanting to see the images that popped into my mind when I thought about it. I hated to admit that I felt that tiny bit of jealousy at the idea of others having touched her body, having done the most intimate thing that I could ever do. Some horrible possessive instinct in me was telling me she was no longer all mine. Jacob had gone as far as kissing her, and though it had bothered me, I'd been able to tell myself that I had gone much further than that with her. But now that argument was off the table. I couldn't believe the monstrous thoughts of jealousy I was having. However small and however deeply they were buried beneath the rage, I couldn't deny their existence, as much as I tried.

I could never allow for those thoughts to come out though. And I pledged to never speak of it, and to find a way to erase it from my mind. "I don't know any details myself." I began to explain. "All I know I concluded from the evidence I found as I got home. Bella was lying on the floor, sick, hypothermic and dehydrated. She'd been vomiting alcohol, it smelled a day old. So it's safe to say she was pretty drunk on the night from Tuesday to Wednesday. There was also and stranger's towel in the bathroom full of chlorine and strangers' smells, from which I concluded she went to a pool party that night." I inhaled again, preparing for the hard part. I didn't look at Alice and Japer, not wanting to see their reactions for fear of it intensifying my own emotions. I had a hard time dealing with just my own. "I found her dress, drenched in chlorine and…three men's semen." I stopped there, letting them process it. But I could still hear both their thoughts, as much as I tried to block it out.

Three! They both thought in shocked unison. They hadn't expected that number. I grasped at anything I could think of to stop myself from hearing the scenario's in their heads shift as they processed the new information. They realised it was much worse than they'd thought.

And then it stopped. Alice was suddenly thinking about naming each colour of the spectrum according to fashion guidelines and Jasper was sending waves of soothing calm my way, making me relax into the soft sofa beneath me.

I finally took a free, unlaboured breath and looked up again.

"We're sorry, Edward." Alice began apologetically and took my clenched hand.

"We didn't mean to make it worse." Jasper added.

I managed a small grateful smile, letting all the bad emotions drift a little further away from me for a moment, wading in the pond of calm.

"Most important for now is: is she hurt?" Alice asked determinedly.

"I'm not sure." I told her. "I didn't smell any fresh blood on her. She has scrapes all over her that are healing already. I didn't see bruises. But I couldn't determine if anything's wrong with her internally. And I haven't had the chance to really ask her about it. It's been…hard…communicating with her."

Alice nodded slowly, accepting the information. "We need to take her to the hospital when she wakes." She told me.

"I know." I snapped defensively. I knew I should've brought her sooner, but I really hadn't known how to bring it up. And I'd been more preoccupied with getting her hydrated and out of her state of distress.

"I didn't mean it as an accusation." Alice corrected patiently. Some extra calm descended upon the room from Jasper.

"I…I know." I sighed, putting my face in my hands. Who knew a vampire could get so overwhelmed?


Bpov

I woke up not knowing what day it was, or what month, or where I was and who I was in this life. It was the first time that I felt so disoriented. I'd gone somewhere deep in my sleep, another world seemingly. I felt clammy and uncomfortable, my feet rolled into a knot in the sheets, and my body ached in places it rarely had before. Especially my lower back was hurting. A deep sort of ache centred around my kidneys. And there was an uncomfortable pressure in my lower abdomen. This I knew. Apparently I needed to pee.

I rolled over to face the outside of the bed. Grey, mid-morning light was filtering through the curtains. The surroundings grounded me firmly in the present again. I sighed deeply, feeling the weight of the world press upon me from every angle.

There was a slight flutter of fabric by the door and when my eyes followed the sound I saw Alice peeking her head through.

"Hey Bella, thought you were awake." She smiled broadly and fully entered the room. "As you can see it's not such a 'good' morning," she gestured to the windows, "but it's perfect vampire weather." She winked happily at me.

I tried to move and groaned. Though I was far from being as injured I felt about as bad as when I woke up in the hospital after my run-in with James in Phoenix. My head was so heavy I almost felt drugged on pain medication.

Alice was by my side in an instant. "Are you in pain?" She asked, her tiny, delicate features screwed up in concern.

"I'm fine." I croaked. My voice still wasn't really what it had been a few days ago. "I…" I hesitated, not sure I wanted to ask for help. "I need to go to the bathroom." Other than using the toilet, brushing my teeth and my hair sounded like heaven to me right now. My stomach growled a little, though I could not feel any real hunger.

"Let's get you something to put on then." She said.

I remembered I was still naked then. I also realised Alice wasn't supposed to be here, and that the reason she wanted me to dress was probably because there was someone else in the living room too, and that was most probably Jasper.

I simply nodded and sighed. I had no desire to do anything other than what my body was asking me to do. I just wanted to go to the bathroom, get myself cleaned up and then get back into bed, preferably buried under the covers.

Alice rummaged around in the bedroom closet and quickly found an old shirt and sweatpants. I wondered briefly at the back of my mind how Alice could choose what she thought was a crime against humanity, against nature.

"Just put this on for now. I'll pick something to go outside later." She said. That explained her choice. But her words were equally puzzling to me. Go where? I wasn't going to class. There was no way I was going to class.

Another person came back to mind then. Angela. I had forgotten about her, again. A wave of guilt, shame and disgust washed over me once more, and the only reason I wasn't crying again was that my body didn't seem to know how anymore.

I had to ask now though. I couldn't call Angela, or even text her. I couldn't even consider it, not knowing what I could possibly say. But I needed to know she was alright, and Alice was the perfect person for the question.

"Alice," I began as I swung my legs out of bed and pulled the clothes she'd laid on the bed towards me. "Could you look for Angela for a second? Tell me how she's doing?"

Alice looked like she wanted to say something to that, but her lips pushed tightly against each other, holding the words back. I was grateful. Whatever she wanted to say or ask, I was sure I didn't want to know or answer it. Her gaze fixed itself on the wall behind me and her eyes clouded over for a minute. "She's okay." She tells me when she's back. "She'll be calling her mom tonight to tell her she feels better. Apparently she's been sick these last few days. But she'll be eating dinner in the cafeteria today, with a few dorm mates who helped her. She looks okay."

I thought over the information while I put on the clothes and tried to comb through my hair a little, to at least not look like a cave monster when I walked out of this bedroom. Angela looked fine, but that still didn't mean nothing happened to her. She'd been sick too, and I felt horrible for leaving her alone at the party, for letting her go home alone without help. I should at least have tried to find her, to ask if she was okay, to make sure she got back. But she was okay physically, that was one thing at least.

"Ready to head out?" Alice asked me carefully. Her smile had drooped and didn't look as genuine as when she'd walked in anymore. Clearly I wasn't doing a good job of showing 'I'm fine'. I tried to deflect her concern with a question I was wondering about, though I couldn't really find the energy to truly be curious.

"When did you get here? And is Jasper or anyone else here too?" I asked as she helped me off the bed. I already knew why she was here. The answer to that was obvious and rather avoided that subject. But I did want to be prepared for who I'd be seeing in the living room. I was hoping it was just Jasper. I'm wasn't sure I could handle the full Cullen coven right now. I couldn't even think about what they must be thinking of me. They probably all knew. They knew I'd hurt their son really badly this time, that I'd trampled on everything they'd given me. One night was all it had taken.

"It's just Jasper and Edward. My brother hasn't left this place for even a second." Alice explained. "You should tell him to get some fresh air, like we've been telling him all morning." She continued as we walked into the living room, making sure she was heard by the occupants. Jasper smiled at me from the couch where they were sitting and mumbled a quick 'hello', before turning his gaze away. Edward was having a tougher time not looking at me. His eyes lingered in a tortured expression and I had to look away. Alice sighed as we hobbled through to the bathroom.

"I'll be back in a minute." Alice smiled at me. "And Bella," she added as she released me by the sink, "you're free to do as you wish of course, but I'd advise you not to take a shower. It's better, trust me on this." She slightly squeezed my hand before letting go and closing the door behind her, not waiting for me to respond. Which was a good thing. I had no response.

I looked over to the shower, remembering the last time I'd stood there, watching the little starry lights on the plastic door in the dark. I longed for the warm feel of the water. Now that I was out of bed I was shivering a little again, though it was much less than before. I also wished to wash the sticky sweat off me. To wash everything off me.

I wasn't really sure why Alice didn't want me to shower. Was there a medical reason? Had the shower made me sicker? I'd never heard of that. But I didn't want to argue or discuss it. I just wanted the bed. Alice would be back soon, she'd said so I quickly peed and then cleaned up a little at the sink. I'd just started brushing my teeth when Alice came back with some clothes in hand. I was grateful to see it was just the classic jeans, shirt and underwear. All mine, nothing she'd bought. She deposited it on top of the hamper.

"You look much better already!" She encouraged. It sounded like a weird comment to my ears. I kept brushing. "It's almost lunch time and there's some food ready." She chattered on, waiting for me to finish cleaning my teeth. "There's eggs, bread, soup and pancakes. And Edward made sweet, cream coffee too. It smells so good it almost smell appetizing to me."

What was it with vampires and their need to prepare more food than I could ever eat. But I nodded gratefully, rinsed my mouth and followed Alice out to the living room. Jasper was busying himself on his laptop and Edward had taken up post in the kitchen, arranging food on a plate. It did all smell good. But I wished I could eat without having to chew. Chewing and swallowing seemed like too much effort right now. But with Alice hovering around me I didn't want to put up much of a fight.

I managed to go through all the fried eggs and even pushed in some bread. But mostly I just drank the warm cream coffee. It was rich and sweet and felt soothing to my throat, and it didn't take any effort to get down. I drank two mugs, which seemed to make Edward a little happier and more relaxed at least.

I sat back on the couch, finishing the dregs of my second mug when Alice, Edward and Jasper interrupted their meaningless chatter. The atmosphere changed abruptly, the tension descended upon the room as suddenly as the wave of calm and relaxation that followed it. I frowned at Jasper first, for the calm, then at Edward and Alice, for the tension.

"Was it good?" Edward asked me. It felt like an introductory question, but I also saw the genuine curiosity and concern in his eyes. He did want to know if I'd liked his cooking. "This is really good." I attempted a smile and held up my almost empty mug. I wasn't a very good liar, so I said the most truthful thing I could say. I didn't think I could enjoy even a five-star dinner at the moment, but the drink had been really nice. Edward seemed appeased by it. "I'll make more as soon as we get back." His eyes seemed to want to melt into mine. He infused those words with so much emotion it alarmed me even more as to the location we were going to get back from. I shifted uneasily and set my mug on the coffee table.

Alice was sitting closest to me on my left, with Edward next to her, and Jasper was across from me. They were all paying attention now. Alice picked up where Edward left off. "If you're full and ready it might be a good idea to go down to the hospital today." She said slowly and deliberately.

"Why?" I blurted out. "I feel fine. I'm getting better, I'm sure it was nothing serious." Were they being over-worried about my health again?

I distinctly saw Alice roll her eyes. Edward shot her a furious glare. I was a little lost.

Jasper sighed loudly at his mate and brother, then shut his laptop and put it on top of a travelling bag next to his armchair. "Bella, I understand there are many things you don't want to think about right now. Things you don't want to feel, to admit, to face or to show. And that's fine, truly." He smiled warmly, and I felt a tingle of comfort in my stomach. It felt like he was seeing me. Actually seeing me as I was, and not as he feared or wanted me to be. He bent forward towards me, his posture very relaxed and assertive at the same time. 'Composed', was the word I'd use. He seemed to be the only one in this room I could describe with that word. "But when these things do come to surface, and they will, your thoughts might change. And it will take time. But some matters are time-sensitive and the priority right now is to make sure you are healthy and that everything is done to ensure you stay that way." His words sounded very soft and gentle and understanding, but I wasn't sure what he was getting at.

And then it clicked. I remembered the conversation I'd had with Edward the night before. He'd told me…he'd said it hadn't been my choice. From what Alice saw, and from what he saw in her head…but they hadn't seen the context. They'd only seen the moment it happened. And of course, Edward would never think I'd do anything wrong. He thought I was so good and so pure. They thought…

"I…" I knew the word. I knew how it sounded. I'd certainly used it before. But using it in the same sentence as the word 'I' simply made no sense. It was like turning the world map on its head. It just wasn't right. "I…" I tried again, feeling the frustration mount and the crimson flush rise from my cheeks up to my ears in shame and embarrassment. It helped that Jasper intervened again. His emotional influence pushed back my mental barrier, just enough for me to finish my sentence. "I wasn't…raped."


A/n: Okay, so I did some more research on the topic, but I haven't yet used it in this chapter. It was very interesting though. i'm not sure why this pulls my attention to this extent. Maybe because it is so under reported and so complicated and so intertwined in society and culture. In any case, it is something important to think about and talk about, outside the world of fiction.

I hope I haven't bored you too much with that talk :p. I did give you a chapter to read first (in my defense).

Much Love!

Aoiika