Chapter 7.
Emptiness.
A great expanse of nothing,
Inside me.
A place where you were,
A place you left.
Now it aches.
It festers,
It burns with fever,
An anger that you abandoned me.
It's cold,
A bitterness that freezes,
You broke all your promises.
It heals, it fills...
With my love for you.
e.g.k.
Jay remembers the feeling of soft thin fingers buttoning his clothes up, drawing socks on his feet, making sure he was warm, that his shoes and socks didn't rub him. He remembers his mom zipping up his coat, laughing her beautiful, musical laugh as she pulled his beanie over his eyes and attacked him with tickles.
But most of all he remembered the way her eyes glowed, how soft her smile was, as she worked to make him comfortable and safe. He loved those moments with her. When it was just him and her and they were face to face, skin to skin. He was safe, she was taking care of everything. He hadn't felt that since she had died.
Hadn't felt it until Dean.
Strong calloused fingers were different. But the affection and sincerity of the concern in alarmingly green eyes warmed him down to his very toes. He wiggles them from within the socks Dean had slipped on, from within the boots Dean had laced up just right.
He holds out his arms as Dean slips his coat on, zips it up with a practiced loving care. The light, fond wink Dean gives him doesn't cover up the crushing ache, the longing he is feeling inside. Jay feels it, he knows something so important is missing from his friend right now.
Dean brushed his hair from his eyes after he's finished getting dressed. Tucks his shirt into his jeans, makes sure the legs of his pants are pulled over his socks...Jay realizes Dean has done this before.
Suddenly the ache and longing, doesn't seem so confusing to him anymore. This was the empty, gaping hole gauged in Dean that he needed to fill again. Jay knows only one thing will answer all his questions as he takes Dean's hand and they head outside.
Who is Sammy?
...
The air had a chilly nip to it so he put on an extra layer as if to protect himself from the cold daggers of the wind and the tender nostalgia that the cold weather brought on. He felt better this morning even with his reflections before he got out of bed. He avoided mirrors when he felt halfway happy.
Forgetting about everything for the thirty minutes it had taken to dress Jay, but his shoes on and ensure he had a coat was easy. But as he stepped out into the crisp chilled air all he could think about was Sam. Was he alright? Was he warm? Every day of Sam's school life Dean had been there to usher him off, make sure he had warm clothes, his books, his lunch.
He had little faith in anyone but himself.
Sam was a grown man, but he was still Dean's little brother.
The crisp morning air crackles in his lungs and he lets an exhale out loudly. Jay looks up at him, from where he stands beside him on the porch, holding his hand. Dean gives him a tired smile which is enough for Jay, who seems content to at least give Dean some company with his melancholy feelings.
They wander out under the trees, under the pecan tree than had stood even in Dean's time. It was a moody day, one that couldn't decide whether to be cloudy or sunny. Jay is anxious to look at his kitties since it had gotten so cool during the night. Dean follows Jay, matching his short steps with slow, calculated strides of his own.
Dean holds the barn door open with one arm locked above Jay's head. The little boy slips in, waiting for Dean to enter with fingers in his mouth. Dean frowns thinking of all the germs the little boy probably picked up touching things and then sticking his fingers in his mouth.
The air is still and dusty in the barn but no less chilly, Dean sticks his free hand in his pocket and hunches in on himself. Jay leads the way through the shadow recesses of the barn and to the ladder that leads to the loft. The little boy begins to ascend so Dean follows dutifully.
He's not sure he feels anything this morning, but maybe the feeling of contentedness is just that strange to him. He feels like he's doing right by Jay, and that makes him closer to himself than ever. It doesn't occur to the couple that they are each trying to help the other.
He climbs up into the loft crawling onto the floor on his knees an arm out just in case Jay trips. The light streaming in through the opened window brings out the dust floating in the air, the quietness around them bathes Dean in a kind of peace he isn't used to.
Jay's usual silence casts a certain sacredness on the situation, Dean knows he's being trusted and being shown a sweet loyalty from the little boy. He follows after the little figure ahead of him towards the window and it's light.
On the floor just to the left of the floor-to-ceiling window with its swinging shudders, there sits an old wooden crate. Half the front boards had been torn off. Inside a old torn up quilt padded the hard wood. A big mama cat is sprawled out on her side, kittens piled around her, some nursing, others curled up sleepily around their mother and each other.
Dean hadn't seen kittens in ages and ages, prolly since he'd been a kid at Bobby's and he and Sam had saved a litter of kittens and their mom, who had set up shop in one of the old junkers, from Bobby's old guard dog.
He goes to his knees beside the crate, Jay joins him, making himself comfortable sitting Indian style beside the crate. Forgetful for a moment that he's Dean freaking Winchester and Jay doesn't answer questions. He asks in quiet awe;
"How many are there?"
Jay tilts his head to one side, eyes confused for a moment. Then he pulls wet fingers from his mouth and holds both hands in front of him. He counts each finger diligently and stops when he gets to nine, and holds the thumb of one hand against his palm.
He holds up the fingers, looking at Dean expectantly.
"Nine? Wow."
Jay nods, smiling shyly. He reaches in and pulls a green-eyed orange kitten towards him. The little creature doesn't even blink, in fact it turn towards Jay when he pets over its little head. He cradles it close to his chest, and then looks to Dean, a blissed out, dreamy expression on his face.
"Is that your favorite one?" Dean asks, as he reaches in too. He allows the mother cat to sniff his fingers first, then he wraps his fingers gently around a black, white and orange calico kitty.
Jay nods and watches as he pulls the cat towards his chest and holds it in between the folds of his shirt and coat. The kitty immediately begins to purr as Dean scratches just under its chin and lets it share his body heat. Jay seems content with him and turns back to the kitten he's holding.
"They're so tiny, right?" Dean says more to himself than anything.
Jay looks up to him as if surprised by his speaking.
Dean just smiles, "Its a good thing your found them this place up here, or they'd probably get crushed."
Jay's face falls, panic flashes over it.
Nice going Dean, he kicks himself, idiot.
"But they're safe up here," he says smiling reassuringly, "This is a great place, you did really great, bringing them up here."
Jay send him a blinding smile at that.
Dean sighs looking down at the kitty in his hands, purring and eyes nearly shut in ecstasy. "If only life was this easy for us." He mumbles.
Jay just watches his with big, waiting eyes. He seems to enjoy it when Dean talks, though he won't complete the venture himself. Dean smiles at that, wrecks his brain to think of things to say. Feels so much better as he bends over backwards for someone else. As he forgets about his own problems...he's so close to Dean Winchester...so close to finding that soul that lives off the happiness of others, off the very goodness that he completes.
Time passes as Dean talks about everything and anything that comes his mind. Jay takes turns holding and petting each kitten. He places them each tenderly back into the crate. He ends up on his knees, he reaches over to run small fingers through the kitten's fur that Dean is still holding. He's smiling softly, Dean's not even sure if he's still listening to him.
"This one likes me, don't ya think?" He says, "Look she's asleep, and she's purring."
"Bet she likes me better than even you," Dean teases. Jay's smile broadens, but he tilts his head as if doubtful. Dean just chuckles and looks down to watch Jay's chubby, but nimble and gentle fingers pet the kitten exactly the way it liked.
"I'm glad I came here," and he doesn't realizes he's said it out loud until Jay looks up. Jay wasn't going to tell anybody about the happy/miserable tears he cried. Not even he knew which one he really was.
He clears his throat, watching Jay with wet eyes as the little boy scoots over beside him. He leans on his thigh, reaching across to pet the kitten from the more comfortable position leaning against the big man.
"Glad I came here, been alone for a long time."
Jay looks up at him with big sad eyes.
The way they mirror a Sammy that is long gone...a Sammy that needed him. It breaks something inside him, and whether it was a good wall or a bad wall it comes tumbling down.
He smiles through tears, "Glad I came here and met you..." he whispers, and reaches out the fingers of one hand to tickle Jay along his ribs.
The little boy grins and shies away.
"And you showed me your cats, thanks for that, by the way." Jay smiles again and gets close again, fingers back to dancing over the kitten's back.
His eyes jump shyly to Dean's every so often, a scared, edgy look bleeding into them eventually. Dean wonders what he's done wrong, he hadn't meant to upset the fragile kid at all.
"Who's Sammy?" A little voice asks, hoarse with disuse, a little lisp. Big brown, puppy dog eyes looking up at him with insecure, nervous tears brimming there.
Dean freezes.
tbc...
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Going to be posting more, gotta finish is up hopefully before Thursday ! Can't wait for our boys to be back!
