***Disclaimer***  See Chapter One

CHAPTER 7

The staff meeting was just beginning as Amanda slipped in the door of the conference room and took the last remaining seat. She felt Lee's eyes on her from across the room and smiled encouragingly at him. Outwardly he appeared calm and composed, the fatigue etched in his face probably invisible except to those who knew him best. Francine, seated to her right, arched an eyebrow in unspoken question, and Amanda shrugged in reply.

After calling the meeting to order, Billy turned it over to Lee. Amanda was extremely grateful that the section chief had chosen to leave Lee in charge of the investigation. His vote of confidence should squelch any speculation about Scarecrow's effectiveness in the field. 

Lee briefly summarized the day's events, including the arrests of Paolo Necci and Rafael Martini, and read the latest intelligence reports on the whereabouts of the remaining terrorists. There was little else to report. Lee next moved on to assignments for overnight and the coming day.  Interagency manpower was being utilized to cover all bases. Security was being beefed up at all of the national monuments and government buildings. All of the staff members present would rotate to their accustomed off-duty status for the night and report back at eight o'clock in the morning.

Questions were asked and answered, then the meeting was adjourned. Billy quietly asked Lee and Amanda to report to his office. Lee was stoically silent as they made their way across the bullpen, but reached for her hand, uncaring as to who might see. The silence stretched as they waited for Billy, seated side by side, hands entwined.

"This won't take long," Billy promised as he entered the room. "Just so you know, Lee, Dr. Pfaff has cleared you to resume all duties. Otherwise I wouldn't have left you in charge. I take it things went well in your session?"

"It was fine," Lee stated blandly.

Billy fixed him with a stern look. "I guess I have no choice but to trust his assessment. I don't have to tell you we've got a tense situation in front of us, and I need you at the top of your game. If you have any doubts as to whether you're able to do this, now is the time to let me know."

"I'm fine, Billy. I've got things under control."

"Well, just so you know, I've given Amanda an additional assignment." As Lee glanced over questioningly to the woman by his side, his boss continued. "She's to be your shadow until this whole business is over."

"Billy!" Lee protested. "I said I'm fine."

"Are you saying you'd rather not have Amanda with you?" Billy asked, a twinkle in his eye.

Looking at his fiancée, Lee could only shake his head and sigh. "Of course that's not what I'm saying. Why do I feel like the two of you are ganging up on me?"

"Because we are," Amanda piped up, patting him gently on the arm.

"Well, that's settled," the section chief said, rising. "Now, I want the two of you out of here, and I don't want to lay eyes on you until eight o'clock tomorrow morning."

"But Billy, I can't leave! I need to --"

"What? Wear more holes in my carpet? No." Billy shook his head. "You're going to go home and get some sleep. I plan to do the same. The night detail has everything under control here, and if something breaks that you need to know about, I promise you'll be contacted. Pick up something at the pharmacy to help you sleep if you need to. I want you well rested for tomorrow."

Looking from one to the other, Lee could see he was outnumbered. "Okay," he said, capitulating at last, "I'll go. But I don't need a damn sleeping pill!" he added, shaking a finger at both of them.

"Fair enough," Billy chuckled. "I'll see you two in the morning."

~~~~~

As they headed toward the parking lot, Lee stopped suddenly and turned her to face him. With his hands on her shoulders, he looked into her eyes. "Amanda. I know you and Billy are both worried about me, but I really am okay. I'm not going to run off and do something stupid. What I'm trying to say is you don't have to stay with me. I know you have things to do at home, and --"

"Already taken care of," she cut him off. "Mother and the boys think you and I are halfway to Gettysburg by now for a nighttime shoot. My things are already at the apartment, and if you insist on going home alone, well then I'm stranded, because I left the car with Mother. Face it, Stetson, you're stuck with me!"

"Huh! Maybe we should just pair you and Billy up. Those terrorists wouldn't stand a chance!" He helped her into the car then went around to his side. "A night shoot in Gettysburg?" he asked doubtfully. "She bought that?"

~~~~~

At Amanda's insistence, Lee was banished from the kitchen while she prepared them a light dinner. She had managed to keep his kitchen reasonably well stocked in recent months, and she found a container of her homemade chicken soup in the freezer along with a package of crusty rolls. At least it was a far cry from his days of outdated milk and moldy cheese. She put the soup on to simmer and set the table, then curled up on the sofa and thumbed through a magazine.  After awhile she sensed a slight movement and looked up to find Lee leaning against the doorframe of his bedroom, watching her. He had changed into jeans and t-shirt, and his hair was still damp from the shower.

"Hi," she smiled up at him. "Feel better?"

"Yeah." He crossed over to sit beside her. "Your turn, if you'd like. I'm sure you're as tired as I am, what with an intruder interrupting your sleep last night."

"Hmm. Was that just last night?"

He laughed. "It does seem about a million years ago, doesn't it? Hey, something smells good. I think it's been about a million years since I ate, too."

"I was afraid of that. I'm hungry, too. Someone brought in sandwiches at the hotel, but to tell the truth, I can't remember if I ate or not," she confessed. "I think I will take that shower, though. It will be a little while before the soup's ready."

She got up to leave, but Lee grabbed her arm and pulled her down into his lap. "Not so fast, Mrs. King."

"Lee," she said in mock exasperation, "what are you doing?"

"Holding you," he stated simply. Looking at her, his eyes were suddenly serious. "Can I just hold you here for a minute?"

"Of course you can," she whispered, laying her head on his shoulder. She could feel the steady beat of his heart beneath her fingertips. His hand gently stroked her hair and moved lower to gently caress the delicate skin at the nape of her neck. After a few minutes, she looked at his face and saw his eyes were tightly closed. Slowly he opened them and relaxed his hold on her.

"Go take your shower," he said softly, "but hurry back."

With the warm water coursing over her, Amanda closed her eyes and tried to think of the best way to confront Lee about the day's events. Perhaps 'confront' was too strong a word. She definitely didn't need a confrontation that would distance him from her and make him defensive.  At the moment, he seemed almost too calm, given what she knew of his turmoil over the last few days. There was almost an air of surrender about him, and that's what scared her the most.

Stepping out of the shower, she toweled off and slipped into her bathrobe. Wiping a clear circle in the steamy mirror, she studied her reflection for a moment. Under ordinary circumstances, there would be no doubt as to how this evening would turn out, here alone with Lee in his apartment.  They had broken through that final barrier last weekend, giving in at last to their desire for one another. But was physical comfort what he needed tonight? Not sure of the answer, Amanda decided she would just have to play it by ear.

Lee was sitting on the edge of the bed when she emerged from the bathroom. He was studying the photograph of his parents, and as she sat down beside him, Amanda could see the smudges where his fingers had touched the glass time and time again.

He smiled faintly as he looked from the picture in his hands to Amanda. "Look how young they are. Younger than we are now. Way too young to die."

"Yes they were," she agreed, holding his eyes steadily with her own, her heart aching for the vulnerable little boy who had become the man she loved. "They were too young to die, and you were too young to lose them." 

Setting the picture back in its place, Lee rose and extended a hand to her. "Let's go eat. Think the soup's ready yet?"

Amanda sensed that he was trying to shake off the melancholy that surrounded him. "It should be," she said. "Why don't you go check and I'll get dressed."

"You look just fine to me," he said huskily. Amanda felt a flush of color flood her face as his eyes raked over her. He continued, "There's just one thing missing that I can see." He crossed to the chest of drawers, and removed the small box that held her engagement ring. Placing it on her finger, he kissed her lips gently. "You don't get to wear this nearly enough."

~~~~~

They ate in relative silence, both conscious that there was plenty to talk about, but neither quite sure how to begin. Lee was surprised to find that his appetite had returned, and allowed Amanda to refill his bowl twice. He studied her as she rinsed the dishes and put the remaining soup in the refrigerator. The time had come. Taking a deep breath, Lee took her by the shoulders and gently turned her to face him.

"I think we should talk, don't you?"

He held her eyes for a moment, and at her nod, led the way to the couch. Lee knew that Amanda wasn't going to push him and that the first move needed to be his, but he was unsure how to explain the jumble of emotions than had tormented his day, influencing his actions.

"How much did Billy tell you?" he asked at last.

Amanda paused, seeming to weigh her answer. "Everything," she finally said, raising her eyes to meet his. "Lee, you know how Billy feels about you. He's concerned about what you did at the motel and in the interrogation room, but he has confidence in you. What seemed to bother him the most is this decision you seem to have made to leave the field."

"I know." He looked away as he began to tell his story, grasping her fingers tightly with one hand. "Amanda, out there this morning -- I thought I had things under control, and then …well …then it all fell apart. Necci and Martini were standing right there in front of me, and I just wanted to wipe them off the face of the earth, but I couldn't even move!"

"Well, it's a good thing you didn't," Amanda interjected quietly.

"Oh, I know. They're just a couple of two-bit thugs whose strings are being pulled by someone else. But when I stood there looking at them, it was like I was looking at all of them: Donati, Serdeytch, Birol, Blackthorne … and all the bastards like them who time and time again destroy other people's lives." His voice rose in agitation. "Amanda, I can't take it anymore. They've intruded on my life and yours one time too many, and I'm not willing to take the chance that they or someone like them will do it again! I've got too much to lose now. We've got too much to lose."

Becoming aware of the death grip he had on her hand, Lee relaxed slightly and lifted her fingers to his lips in apology.

"I told Billy that I'll stay on this case, but then I'm out. I can at least finish what I've started; I can do that much. Then we can think about having a normal life." When she didn't answer, Lee looked at her, dismayed to see the sheen of unshed tears in her eyes. "Amanda?" He said softly, "Isn't that what you want? Wouldn't you like to be able to tell the world what we mean to each other? We could forget all about this mystery marriage idea, you could start telling your family the truth again, and we'd be out of danger. We wouldn't have to worry about the Birols and Donatis of the world."

"Lee --" He could tell she was struggling to compose herself, and Lee felt his heart wrench at the sight of the tear that began its slow trek down her cheek. "Part of me wants that very much. I've struggled for three and a half years trying to balance my family with this job and with you. It would be such a relief to be able to come clean."

She sighed, and he reached over and wiped the tear away, caressing her face. "But I have to agree with Billy. This is too sudden. You love this kind of work. You know," she continued, gently rubbing her thumb across the back of his hand, "I remember sitting in church as a little girl hearing a missionary talk about having a 'calling' to go preach in Africa. I didn't really understand what that was all about at the time, but I realize now that all of us have some sort of calling just as surely as a preacher has to preach or a doctor has to practice medicine.

"Each of us has been given special talents or aptitudes, and I think that in order to be truly happy, we need to use those gifts. Now some of us," she smiled wryly, "take a few detours on the way to discovering just what it is we're meant to do. But the bottom line is this: I believe that you and I are doing exactly the kind of work we're meant to be doing. There are parts of it I don't like, particularly the part about hiding our relationship. But Lee, I'm not ready to give it up, and I don't think you are either."

As she finished her speech, Lee exhaled slowly and hunched forward, resting his forehead on the heels of his palms. "Billy said I shouldn't try to influence you into coming out of the field, and I guess he's right. Amanda, I'm just so afraid! I'm afraid of us having our time cut short like my parents did, and I'm afraid of Phillip and Jamie having to grow up without a mother like I did."

"Lee, that possibility has always been there, even before the moment I took that package at the train station. It didn't just suddenly materialize, and neither should your decision to leave. We both know the risks, but we're good at what we do, we're careful, and most importantly, we look out for each other."

"That didn't help with Birol," he reminded her.

"Yes it did. You're the one responsible for getting me out!" Amanda was obviously frustrated at his doggedness.

Lee rose, unable to sit still any longer, and began the inevitable pacing. "It's these dreams, these mind-pictures or whatever they are. They just won't leave me alone!"

She broached her next question with hesitation in her voice. "Did you -- um, did you tell Dr. Pfaff about them?"

Freezing for a minute, he stared at her. Then, looking down, he resumed his pacing. "I, uh, I told him I'd had a few bad dreams, but I didn't get specific."

"Lee, I really think it might help if you told him. Maybe he could give you some sort of help on how to cope with these images if they come up again. I mean, I know you don't think a lot of psychiatrists, but --"

"Oh, Pfaff's okay for a shrink, I guess, if you can get past the ice cream fixation," Lee gave a short laugh. "He told me what Billy and I needed to know: that I'm not about to snap or anything."

"But how do you expect him to understand what's going on with you if you don't tell him the whole story?" she protested. "You're not going to 'snap', but you need to deal with these dreams and flashbacks. I've already told Billy about them, and I'll tell Dr. Pfaff if I have to."

Coming to a stop in front of her, Lee lifted her chin with his finger. "You really like to play the trump card, don't you? Okay, you win. If it will make you happy, I'll see Pfaff again. I guess it can't hurt."

"Thank you," she said simply, standing and wrapping her arms around his waist.

He sighed into her hair as he held her close, lost in the scent of her and the comfort of holding her in his arms. "Amanda, what would I do without you?" he murmured.

"You don't even have to ask that question," she replied, looking up at him, "because I'm not going anywhere."

Their eyes locked, and Lee could feel the shiver that ran through her. Feeling the heat rise between them, Lee drew her tightly to him. Almost in slow motion, he bent to possess her mouth with his own, and she willingly opened to his exploration. His kiss was gentle at first, then more demanding as their passion threatened to consume them. Breaking away at last, Lee took a step back. He reached toward her and slowly untied the belt that held her robe together. Wordlessly, he gazed awestruck at this woman who would soon be his wife, who had made his life complete.

"Is this all right?" he asked huskily, knowing the answer from her eyes, yet still tentative in this new aspect of their relationship.

"Oh, yes," she whispered, taking the hand he reached out to guide her to the waiting bed.

He stood silently as she slowly divested him of shirt and jeans, every touch sending a current of desire through him. He pushed the open robe from her shoulders and, reaching once again for her hand, brought her to lie down beside him.

"You are my life!" he whispered against her mouth.

As Amanda reached out to trace the familiar features of his face, Lee was overwhelmed by the feelings of love and intimacy and belonging that swept through him. He found his feelings echoed in her eyes, and as she sighed in contentment, he drew her closer. At last, in mutual love and need, they found comfort and release in one another. 

Afterwards, they lay quietly, spent from their exertions. Amanda gently brushed the hair from his forehead and Lee could feel her loving eyes on him. He was vaguely aware of Amanda setting the alarm and pulling the covers up around them, but was rapidly losing a battle with the exhaustion that was a culmination of all the stress and sleepless nights. Amanda snuggled close to him once again and, wrapping his arms around her, he gave in at last to sleep.