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not beta'd
Word Prompt: Glaze
Plot Generator—Binding Blurb: In 500 words or fewer, write a blurb or a short entry about staying true to yourself.
It is, at first, just a touching of lips.
He stays so still, only his hands tightening on my hips before letting go.
But when I pull away, my heart beating so hard it actually kind of hurts, he follows, eyes open. He takes a step forward for the one I took back until it is me against the wall and him in front, and barely a breath between.
"Why?" His face is blank, but his eyes...are stormy.
I shake my head. I don't know what I'm doing. I mean, I know but it's not like I've given this much thought. Well, that's not true either...I've given a lot of thought to kissing Masen, letting him kiss me, all over, and then letting him do a lot more.
But he's not asking about that. Not really. He's asking me why. He wants to know if I have a death wish, because that's what kissing anyone other than Alec is.
"I don't..." I whisper, touching my mouth.
This is not friendly or platonic anymore, and even though I think we both knew that, I've now confirmed it. Our gaze stays locked, searching, like by crossing the line I've given us permission to acknowledge this thing between us.
He moves first, dropping his eyes."I should go." He motions toward the door, toward his house. "Just, call me if you need me."
I nod, and he leaves, closing the door quietly.
I could be so many things: sad, disappointed, wistful, but instead I'm numb, fingertips tingling.
What have I done?
I don't speak nor am I spoken to. There's no one here; I'm a ghost.
I leave the TV on for company and make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich when the sun goes down. I eat it with a beer outside, shivering, wondering when it'll be cold enough to see my breath.
Alec's phone call comes at eleven p.m. Yawning, I reach for my cell in the darkness.
"Hello? Alec?"
"Hey, Bel. Listen, we're not gonna make it home tonight."
"Why? What happened?" I ask, yawning again. He woke me up to tell me this?
"Nothing happened. I just can't make it back. No one feels like driving right now, you know?" There are voices in the background, and music. Someone laughs, loudly and close-by.
"Yeah, okay. I'll see you tomorrow then."
"Love you, baby."
"Love you too." I've told this lie so many times it doesn't even hurt. After disconnecting I silence my phone, not wanting anymore sleep interruptions. As luck would have it, though, I can't sleep. A night swim is supremely tempting, but being alone outside creeps me out. I could call Masen and ask him to accompany me, but in my heart I know that would be asking for trouble.
Instead, I run a finger over the touchpad of my laptop, bringing it life. The Chopin I downloaded last week is paused just where I left it before.
I press play.
In the morning, I text Alec, asking when exactly he'll be home.
I'm anxious and bored, and in the mood to cook. Making Alec's favorite foods is a sure way to lull him into complacence, my number one weapon in this war of which he doesn't even seem to be aware.
He answers about an hour later, saying maybe around five. It's later than I'm expecting, but I can't say I'm upset. The house will be quiet, just the way I like it. I go for my swim, making sure the pool's heated thoroughly beforehand.
I swim as many laps as I can before exhaustion overtakes me, and then I just float, watching the endlessly blue sky, dreading the moment I'll leave this warm cocoon for the increasingly frigid chill of late autumn. There's movement at the corner of my eye, and I follow it to the sliding glass door. The reflection makes it hard to see, but Masen is standing on the other side, watching.
I don't acknowledge him. For personal reasons, mainly, but also for practical ones. Unlike indoors, the patio and grounds are all tightly surveilled by a tight network of cameras beginning at the gate. The front and back doors, garage, even the walk to Masen's place are all monitored, although I don't know how often Alec or his guys actually watch them. It's more a safety measure, a way to keep track of who's around. And though it is Masen's job to look after me, there's a difference between keeping me safe and then watching me in a bikini.
Still, knowing he's nearby fills me with a jittery feeling I haven't felt in a really long time. After swimming back and forth beneath the surface a couple of times to rid myself of the sudden, excess energy, I get out, shivering violently. This might have been my last swim until spring, or even next summer. It's just too cold.
Inside, Masen sits at the table, pretending to read a newspaper.
"I'd like to go to the store," I say, taking my towel from my body so that I can wrap it around my dripping hair.
He glances at me for a split second before averting his eyes. "Okay."
"Okay."
"When do you want to go?"
"Soon."
"Ten minutes long enough to –" he gestures at my near-nudity "get ready?"
"More like thirty. But I'll hurry."
"No, just," he chuckles, rubbing his eyes. "Take your time, Bella. I'm not going anywhere."
After showering, I slip into boots, worn jeans and my favorite blue sweater. I leave my hair down, blow dying it quickly so that it's not wet in the cold. All of the signs are there: butterflies in my stomach, wanting to look pretty for him. I have a crush, and instead of being afraid, I feel as if it's giving me a new life. Something to live for.
Masen stands when I join him again, smirking at his watch. "Thirty minutes, huh?"
Shrugging, I give him a small smile. "You ready to go?"
As he lets me into his car, he clears his throat. "Alec called while you were in the shower. Said he'd be bringing a couple of people by later on, when they get back."
My heart sinks. "Great."
He pauses, then shuts the door and goes around to his side. "He, uh...wanted to let you know so you could buy enough food."
"So now I'm cooking for these buffoons, too?" I ask, making a face.
"Guess so."
Sighing, I buckle my seatbelt.
"You think I'm a buffoon too?"
I side eye him, but he's looking straight ahead, smiling.
"I don't know; are you?"
"Hey," he says, starting the car. "I take offense to that."
"Don't." I fiddle with the seat warmer, though I probably don't really need it with this body blush I have going on. "You know you're...nothing like them."
"Why not?" he asks, voice so quiet the question's almost lost.
"You're just different," I say. "You see me, and no one else does."
I only need a couple of things for dinner, so I'm in and out of Trader Joe's in fifteen minutes.
"That was fast," Masen says when I return to the car. He opted to stay there when I assured him I wouldn't be long, although he'd seemed reluctant.
"Told you."
"You mind if we stop at Genova's? I'm starving."
"Nah, go ahead. I'm kinda hungry myself."
When we get to the deli, he turns off the car and looks at me. "It's nice today. I thought maybe we could take these to Tilden, eat by the lake or something."
I look at him in surprise. After yesterday, what he's proposing sounds almost...date-like. "Yeah, sure."
His face remains impassive, and I wonder if he's thinking about the kiss. If he's going to say something about it eventually, or if he'll just shove it away as something that happened once.
At Tilden, we find a picnic area and eat at one of the tables. The grill looks like it was used recently, probably last weekend. It makes me long for simpler times, when I did things like that with Charlie, and even with Alec. Before he changed.
"Did you grow up here?" I ask. Masen's shared things about his childhood, but I realize I don't exactly know where he's from.
He shakes his head, wiping his mouth. "Chicago."
"Really?" I frown. "How'd you end up here?"
"Friend of a friend. Connections. You know."
That makes sense, I guess. While most of Alec's crew hail from the Bay, there are a couple of out-of-towners who came when referred. The reach of Alec's family...and I use that term loosely... spans more than a couple states.
"Do you like it?" I ask.
"It's okay."
"You miss home."
"Sometimes." He shrugs.
"I feel you. Of all the places I've been, I love the Bay best. It's home."
We finish up, making small talk about whatever. Alec's not back for another few hours, so we have time to relax before I have to start cooking.
"You want to take a walk?" Masen asks, stretching as he stands.
"Now?" I groan, rubbing my stomach. "But we just ate."
"That's the point."
"Ugh. Fine." I let him help me up. We find a place to toss our trash, and then trek into the woods, going instinctively for the trail we use most often. The sun's brilliant today, and it dapples through the trees overhead. After a couple of minutes, Masen slows to a stop.
I stop, too, looking around. Did he hear something? See something?
Before I can ask he's got me up against a tree.
"I can't stop thinking about it. About you kissing me."
My mouth goes dry. "Me too," I whisper.
He stares at me for a long time, and there's so little space between us that it's hard to maintain. I close my eyes and wait, begging silently for him to just do it. He knows how I feel; I laid it out yesterday. I have nothing else. My life is a monotonous facade, and it's killing me slowly. I think, maybe, I'd rather die for this than live to die with Alec. My desperation is astounding, its depth now apparent because I no longer snort it away. I feel it, every second of every day, and it's building. There's not much longer I can deal with the hopelessness.
I'm about to panic when he kisses me, finally. The pressure from his lips is the most welcome thing in the world, and I think that if I died right now it would be in gratitude. I grasp his jacket, pulling him against me, but there's no need because his body is already pinning me, his hands gentle on my face.
We open our mouths and let each other in. His tongue slides through my mouth and I'm so right here, right now, so awake. I clasp my fingers in the soft hair at the nape of his neck, relieved to have permission to do so. To taste, touch, feel.
This is who I really am, taking what I really want.
I don't know how long we stand there, kissing, but I do know I'm more turned on by his mouth on mine than I have been in years. And when he finally pulls back, his eyes glazed over, I know he's just as affected as I am.
"He'll kill us," I say, when we've let go and are walking back to the car.
Masen slides his hands into his pockets. "I know."
In the car, we are quiet. No music today, no radio. No idle chitchat.
But my lips thrum with the feeling of having been kissed well, and deep inside, I'm blossoming, years of neglect reversed with the sun of Masen's attention.
Halfway home he takes my hand.
Nothing's said, but it feels like an agreement.
thank you for reading. i appreciate you guys so very much.
xo
