Chapter 7: New Meat
GLaDOS once again found herself sighing (or something approximate to it, anyway.)
She had been observing her robots (made from a hastily repurposed personality core and turret) for what seemed like hours, though it had been less than one since she gave Fattie McNoparents the boot.
Fattie McNoparents.
Perhaps some part of Wheatley was still in her somewhere, wrecking her thoughts.
If he was, he certainly wasn't alone; her androids had made good progress through the cooperative testing initiative, but they seemed to be gaining some sort of limited sentience—no, that wasn't the right word.
Humanity.
That was it.
For whatever reason the two machines had developed gestures that they would occasionally deploy at the successful completion of tests. This was especially likely if they had gone into the formerly occupied parts of the facility, where the engineers used to be. It was like some final, post-mortem spanner in her works perpetrated by those fleshy puppeteers. But she had ultimately got the last laugh and they were dead, so ha. It was after the most recent of these egregious extravagancies, where they slammed their grasping mechanisms together, that GLaDOS felt compelled to say something.
"You really aren't getting tired of that, are you?" she said. "For that, blue is penalized fifty science collaboration points." The former personality core unleashed an annoyed grunt and hit its turret companion in the back of the head, which responded in kind. GLaDOS chuckled to herself. Those "science collaboration points" had been one of her better ideas, even though it was all made up and the points didn't matter. They would never find that out anyway. After they settled down, GLaDOS continued her lecture.
"So I've been thinking: we need humans for these tests." GLaDOS allowed that revelation to sink in on her bots, briefly savoring their looks of horror and betrayal before continuing. "And since the only human within… hang on." GLaDOS examined her monitors. The proximity alarm, which detected motion in her above-ground cameras, had been going off ever since she'd released the lunatic. She had gotten so annoyed by the constant whiiiine of the alarm that she had turned it off to better direct her attention towards her not-so-cooperative testers. She had still paid cursory attention to the cameras—she was a stadium-sized supercomputer, after all—but she hadn't had anything to pay attention to until moments ago. Rewinding the tape, she saw a mid-size sedan plowing through the fields above before it finally encountered the remains of Aperture's above-ground facilities. Thankfully, the ton-and-a-half blue death machine stopped short of hitting the shed.
Or her.
GLaDOS was shocked that the thought had even flashed through her head. Wouldn't it all be simpler if she were not merely gone from the facility, but absolutely, positively, unequivocally gone? She refocused herself. That maniac means nothing to you she thought. She tried to kill you she thought. You do not care about her in the slightest she thought.
Say it.
"I do not care about her in the slightest," GLaDOS said, much to the confusion of P-Body (the turret) and Atlas (the core), who by this point were wondering what had gone wrong with their administrator. GLaDOS didn't notice, as she had returned her focus to the cameras.
In addition to her long-time partner in science—NO she thought. MANIAC. She edited her previous note. In addition to the maniac, there was another young woman with light brown hair, full lips, and very large eyes. Eh. She also noticed an exceptionally large man with messy hair and an orange and blue jacket. Appropriate, although it's not like he knows that. But the man who had most grabbed GLaDOS's attention was a short man with spiky black hair, dressed in a pair of jeans and a plain, black shirt with the word, "Jerk," proudly emblazoned on the front. He had just attempted to strangle Chell, who made good use of her long-fall boots and kicked him a good 30 feet. "Nice—NO. GO ANGRY MAN IN JERK SHIRT." She zoomed the camera in slightly, to see if she could get a glimpse of what they were saying. Within the scene, the new woman (who wasn't even remotely attractive,) had stepped in to separate them, shouting something like, "THAT'S ENOUGH." While the new woman and the Jerk man withdrew to one side of the clearing, the… whatever would shut herself up retreated to the shed with the giant.
What must a human consume to grow that large? An ACTUAL cow, as opposed to a metaphorical one like the lifeform he was speaking to, or the one on the other side of the field? The former test subject wrote something on a napkin, and GLaDOS focused on that element.
"Is he always like this?" she read aloud. Atlas and P-Body had gone back to testing, so they ignored her, resigned to the fact that their overseer had likely gone insane.
GLaDOS tried to make out their conversation, but was thwarted by the fact that the man-mountain was facing away from her, and the former test subject wasn't taking notes. She refocused her lens on the angry man and the homely wretch he was speaking to.
"Regardless, Dan," the cow-woman said, "if she came out of Aperture, she would know it better than any of us." So the irate lawn ornament was called Dan. GLaDOS made a note of this. "It wouldn't be a bad idea to see if she can help," the new woman concluded.
Help? With what? GLaDOS wondered.
"Maybe you're right," Dan conceded after a moment. "It's not like your intel was any help," and the foul creature he was with had an involuntary eye twitch. Presently they reconvened with the half-giant and her.
"OK," Dan started. "First, I forgive you for the misunderstanding; it's not your fault that you can't talk," and the bitch GLaDOS could watch twitched again. It was quite amusing. Ha. "Second, I understand you came from Aperture," Dan continued. "Is that correct?" and Chell nodded dismissively. "Good," Dan sighed, "you may yet be of use to me."
"Be of use to me?" GLaDOS thought. "Wow. This one may be more hopelessly sociopathic than she ever was. Oh, to get a look at the structure of his cerebrum." In the scene, cow-bitch said, "I'm so sorry," although Dan didn't notice. "How well do you know the insides of Aperture?" Dan asked. GLaDOS couldn't see what ex-bitch was writing until she presented it to Dan.
"Pretty well, why?" she read aloud. Even if they hadn't run off into the abandoned wings, Atlas and P-Body weren't paying attention at this point anyway. Dan spoke again.
"I plan to infiltrate it and get my Portal gun and wish to enlist your expertise."
WHAT?! Oh, no you don't you psychotic gnome. Fortunately for her stealth, Chell responded for her, jotting down a quick, "YOU CAN'T!" Upon reading this, the monkey replied, "Don't tell me what I can and can't do, lady! I gave Cave Johnson a thousand dollars of my hard-earned money and he owes me a Portal gun!"
"If she doesn't convince you," GLaDOS thought, "I will, and I am not as gentle."
Wait, Johnson…
In scene, giant monkey clenched his fists and über-bitsch sat dumb for a moment
How appropriate. The next message she handed over to Dan read, "How do you know Cave? He's been dead since the '80s."
Johnson. Cave…Johnson.
Anger-monkey looked nonplussed. "Look, Chell, right? I don't know what you've heard but he's been asking for donations for Portal guns for—how long, Chris? Six months?" and man-mountain clenched even tighter.
"Now I'm going to get mine from him, dead or alive."
I'd pick dead, anger-avatar.
"Will you help us or not?"
GLaDOS was very conflicted about this whole situation. On one hand, she did NOT want to give this nut a portal device, and she CERTAINLY did not want either of those women in her facility. But…the data…
Her processing was interrupted by nu-bitch.
"I'm also building up a case against them for human rights violations, if that helps. We could really use your expertise."
"Oh ARE you now?" GLaDOS thought. "Good. When I'm through with you, you'll have plenty of firsthand experience. Bring her in, α bitch. I would like to show her what human rights violations are."
She noticed ur-bitch nod slightly.
"Good. The game is afoot. Normally I would reward you with the customary $60 recruitment bonus, but it seems 60-odd years of testing is reward enough for you."
