JACKSON
I'd been ready to panic and assist when I'd walked in on April sobbing in the middle of a chapel. It'd been an impulse to try and find her there – Hunt hadn't seen her, she wasn't checking on any patients that I was aware of. Maybe this time last week I wouldn't have looked there for her, but after the conversation that we had last night, it made sense.
Job's a story that I don't know a lot about, but the gist is easy enough to get with what she offered. God's almighty, but crap still happens. If she wanted to believe that, it was her right.
But some of what she had said was bugging me. It's not about the religion. Replacement children? PTSD? Maybe the latter could lead to her feeling the former, but the idea of her referring to Harriet that way didn't settle with me right. Harriet would never replace Samuel. She was something new, original. An entirely separate entity from her late brother. A creation between the two of us, but no replacement. But just because she wasn't, doesn't mean that I loved either of them any less. Both of them were my children and always would be, no matter the separation between life and death.
I won't poke holes in what she'd said yet, though. She needed the moment, and I can at least give that much to her. Taking her hand to walk down to daycare is already pushing it, as far as I can tell, but she doesn't protest or make a comment about it either.
April gets Harriet from daycare, laughing and cooing as she makes contact with our little girl, and I let her and smile. The two of us had gotten quite good about passing her back and forth, keeping things fair for the both of us. The one thing that we'd managed to keep to not matter what was that we didn't fight, not when it came to our daughter.
"Let's go," I carry the baby bag for her, letting her focus completely on Harriet. Little syllables and words had begun to tumble from her lips in the past week, it'd become clear that she knows who her mom and dad were, that it was more than just babbling syllables. She'd began to understand simpler words like yes and no, hello and bye-bye. And she had started to imitate April's way of saying nighty-night, even if it just came out as a short and sweet ni-ni. She was learning all of it quickly, even for her age.
We make it out to my car without much hesitation and I cover the both of them with an umbrella, making sure that she can get Harriet in the car without being too drenched.
"Can I ask a favor from you?" April questioned me once I'm behind the wheel and pulling out of the parking lot.
"Sure thing," I answered without hesitation, nodding.
"Can I spend the night with you two? It's just… been an emotional day and you can say no because it's your night with Harriet and i shouldn't ask to intrude on that. I'm just not sure if I'm up for being alone tonight." She blabbered on quickly, adding an explanation for her words when they don't really need much of one.
I don't hesitate to answer once it was clear that she was done. "Of course," I gave a brief glance over at her before returning my eyes to the road. "It's no big deal. I don't think you've really gotten to see my new place, anyways. I don't know if there are enough throw pillows for your taste, though," I teased her gently.
"I guess I'll have to get over it," she replied with a shake of her head.
It's not a long drive from the hospital to my new house. Traffic wasn't particularly bad at this time of day and I mostly took back roads to avoid the majority of it. Normally I didn't mind many risks, but I'd been a lot safer with Harriet in the car with me. It was funny, how having a kid could change even the tiniest things. There's baby-proofing the house, sure, I'd gone through every checklist to make sure that it was as safe as possible. But that had been obvious, predictable. The little, random things hadn't.
What was equally unpredictable was what was going to happen tonight between the two of us. We hadn't had an evening together with just the two of us since… well, since she had moved out all of those months ago. Hopefully, we'd be able to figure out a way to just talk with the two of us. As long as Harriet was up, it'd be fine. After? Not as guaranteed.
By the time that we get inside and settled down, April's down with Harriet in her playpen and helped her with the Laugh 'N Learn Learning Kitchen. It had music and shapes to sort, but she mostly just preferred to play with the different lights that were on the toy.
"I've uh, got some leftover rotisserie chicken in the fridge, I can reheat it. And I've got asparagus." I'm trying to appeal to her stomach a little more than my own at the moment, but it's not like eating a genuinely healthy meal was going to kill me. I ate out more than I should have, usually went for pre-prepared meals at Whole Foods to save myself the time and effort. Cooking had never been something that I was particularly enthusiastic about, and it was much easier to cook for two people than it was one.
"That sounds good to me. How about I give little miss a bath? How about that, ladybug?" She cooed, already beginning to scoop her up from the floor.
"Good idea," I nodded. "I'll get started on here. Her little tub is already in the bathroom, just make sure you don't forget the duckie." I'm sure that her own nighttime routine with Harriet is similar enough to my own, but there are some things that we haven't done together in a long time. That was just another one of them.
"It's like that little nickname is going to be haunting me for the rest of the night." She chuckled as she made her way down the hallway toward the bathroom.
I smile but leave the words be, focusing on getting dinner ready. I'm careful with reheating the chicken, not wanting it to dry out because that was a mistake I'd made before. And maybe, I want to impress her a little bit. Make sure that she doesn't think I've become completely incapable while living on my own. Even if that was just something that had been there since, well, the beginning. Probably wouldn't take her much to see right through all of this.
It's easy to hear my two girls laughing and giggling together down the hallway. The temptation there is to go and see, the join them, to be a family. But I focus on dinner for a moment, getting the asparagus in the skillet with olive oil and pepper, turning it as it cooked.
But it doesn't take long before all of it's cooked and ready to go. I don't want to interrupt her time with Harriet, taking it off the heat and covering it so it hopefully wouldn't lose too much of it before she finished up. I grabbed two glasses from the cabinet, pausing a moment. I don't want to encourage alcohol with her these days – I'm not sure where her limits stood and it's better to not experiment with it on a day that had seemed like it was taxing on her. Instead, ice and water fill the plastic. Might as well keep up with the idea of a healthy dinner.
A few more minutes pass and I can't hear the two of them as clearly as I could before. With a glance over at the clock on the oven, I make up my mind and begin heading down the hallway. The nursery door was shut. But from the other side, I can hear her voice gently.
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray.
Even though April didn't make it very well known, she had a beautiful singing voice. I didn't get to hear it very frequently at any point – not during our friendship or marriage. Occasionally I'd catch her singing along to the radio or in the shower, but she always got shy about it. The only person that she'd ever been instantly comfortable singing in front of was our daughter. I loved that about her.
Slowly, I grip the doorknob and turn it, not wanting to make any noise or draw attention to myself. She knew the entire Johnny Cash song, not just the little phrase that everyone had heard sung or hum at some point in their life. I stand there and listen to her finish before clearing my throat, offering a smile when she turned around.
"Sorry, I didn't want to interrupt," I apologized.
"It's okay, she just settled down, I think," she replied, ruffling her hair as she turned back toward our daughter. With her comment, I step up to join her beside Harriet's crib. She was quiet, peaceful. My hand naturally gravitated toward the small of April's back as I stood next to her.
I can feel the deep rise and fall as she took a deep breath, but she doesn't tense or pull away from me. Instead, she shuffled closer, her head moving to rest on my shoulder. This was the kind of cliche parenting moments that people talked about – the kind that we had both missed out on with our separation. Maybe at the time, it had been the best thing for the both of us to move forward. But standing here, all that I want to do is have more of these moments with her, with Harriet. I want to be a family with her. A real family, not something bound by blood or obligation. I'd always wanted something real and meaningful with her.
"She looks just like you, you know," April spoke softly, her head turning toward me. With the slight shuffle, I angle myself toward her and look down at her, but my hand doesn't move from her back. "Good thing she doesn't snore like you, though. The crying is more than enough."
There's an instant roll of my eyes. "You snore just as much as I do, you know. Deny it all day long. Maybe I should get a little audio recording of you tonight," I retort back with her easy. Playful banter had never been an issue between the two of us. And yeah, we're both guilty of snoring like a bear. That was one of those things that you never thought you could actually miss until it was too late.
She elbowed me in the ribs almost immediately after my words. Yeah, I'd earned that.
But when she turned to face me, there's something different in her eyes. Nothing like the way that she had been looking at me in the last couple of weeks. A familiar spark, just a little feisty. There she was again, standing right in front of me, so close that her breasts nearly brushed against my chest: the woman that I loved, clear as a bell.
My hand was still pressed into her back, but this time I pull her in closer to me. April knew that she could have escaped if she wanted to, and she didn't. I don't hesitate. Leaning down to her, my lips sealed over hers in a firm kiss, breathing her in. I can barely taste coffee and chapstick, melting down into her. Her hands come up to cup my face and she anchored herself into me further, tightening my grip on her and pulling her pull against my chest. The arch of her back tilted her head just enough that I can feel the length of her hair brushing against my hands. The need is there, desire pumping furiously through my veins as my mouth opened and allowed our tongues to meet once again. She was fine with it, encouraging it. And we both needed it.
She moaned softly when I pulled back and went for her neck with just as much enthusiasm. It was cute. I'd always loved the little sounds that I'd been able to pull out of her here and there, and I knew that her neck had always been a soft spot for her.
"We should… somewhere else," April squeaked out.
I pause and nearly laugh. Yeah, our daughter's nursery probably wasn't the best place to go at it. Instead, I hum in agreement, knees giving a slight bend so I can grip the swell of her ass, giving the supple flesh a gentle squeeze before I pick her up. Her legs wrap around my waist instinctively, a practiced motion, even with the time that had passed since we'd last been intimate. Nearly a year, yet I still know her like nothing else.
"I've got you."
Something that people say to someone hanging over a ledge, about to fall. April was falling for sure. But so was I, all over again.
My bedroom was a few quick strides down the hallway, door shut behind us quickly. Her hands were all over me, manicured nails digging and scratching, making her desire known. I pulled her shirt over her head and she quickly did the same for me, lowering the both of us onto my bed slowly and gently. Her bra is gone quickly, giving myself all the room that I needed to work, to apologize and appreciate her in ways that I should have done a long time ago.
Mouth met a rosy nipple, licking and sucking to draw it to a point. I pinched her neglected nipple, causing her to gasp and squeeze her eyes shut. She was noisy, always had been. I sucked a wet trail between her breasts and down her stomach, stopping just above the scar from where our daughter had been brought into the world. I'd rarely gotten to see it, but I knew that she was insecure about it from the way that she shied away. But it's a symbol of her strength, the things that she had overcome, her resolution when facing the impossible. It made me love her all the more. A soft trail of kisses is left on the pink skin, gentler than anything else. She gave a soft sigh, fingers carding over my shaved hair.
"Keep going." I take her words at face value, not hesitating to pull her pants down the length of he legs. The damp spot on her panties was a clear invitation, momentarily ignored in favor of peppering the inside of her thighs with kisses. Each freckle is given its proper attention. The care I took made her feel wanted and warmed her to the core, in both senses of the term. She'd expressed it to me once before when we were married. My nose brushed across the lace covering her and she shivered in anticipation.
It's enough teasing for what we both want. Cold air washed over her pussy as I quickly pulled them off and she gasped. Gripping her ass again and encouraging her to wrap her legs around me, his tongue worshipped along the entire length of her pussy, licking her from slit to clit, before wrapping my lips around her clit and flicking the tip lightly. Her heels dug into my bare back as I worked the bundle of nerves. She spread her legs farther at the same time, inviting me to go deeper, harder. She wanted more, and I was here to give her exactly that. One finger pushed inside of her, curling and listening to the beautiful sounds of her mewling desperately above me. After a few moments, a second joined inside of her tight walls.
April was dripping and it was easy to work her up like this. I knew exactly what to do, how to move to make her come undone. She cried out loudly, hoarse and writhing back against me for everything that she could get. And I gave and gave. Until she finally cried out with such desperation that she came, squeezing my fingers tightly and bucking like this.
"Holy shit," she swore loudly.
The thing was, it'd always been like this. Edgy. Desperate.
Honest.
It was almost as if the two of us were destined to fall right back into this pattern. But this time, I wasn't going to let it get screwed up for the two of us. I would do better – for her, for our daughter. For all of us.
"I know," I breathed out quietly, giving her thighs a few more kisses, then the scar, working my way back up until I can find her mouth again. My cock was hard and aching for attention and she could feel it pressing into her. I'd hardly realized her hand had moved until it wrapped around me over my clothes, giving it a playful squeeze. It doesn't take long for the both of us to get the rest of my clothes out of the way, relieved as I was freed from the confines.
Hips shifted forward and I pressed my cock against her mound, teasing myself just as much as I was her. I could feel her outer lips, wet from my mouth and her own juices. I rubbed my cock against her, relishing the way she moaned as the head pulled against her opening and pushed onto her clit. She was already so slick, ready and waiting for me to push into her. Her wetness coated my entire length as I rubbed against her and dripped everywhere. I couldn't take the teasing any longer than she could, though, I needed this just as much as she did.
"Are you ready?" I stroked my cock gently, needing to hear her say it.
"Please, I want you." The words are music to my ears. Cognizant of the fact that it'd been awhile for us, I push inside of her slowly, her walls accommodating me almost immediately. She's tight, hot silk squeezing around my length, the best I've ever had even after all this time. There are the cliches about sex being better with feelings involved, and they're right. Every single one of them.
I take a deep breath, hips rocking out almost all the way before moving right back inside of her. I started to move faster, finding the pace that I knew worked for both of us. It's not long before her hips were moving right back against me, and my thumb slid down between us, finding her clit to rub gentle circles against her. Neither of us was going to last long. I hadn't been with a woman in a long time, months, and that had been nothing compared to her. No one had ever been able to compare to her – and it was so much more than just the sex in that regard. But hell, the sex with her had always been mind-blowing.
The slippery friction was beginning to become too much and my fingers moved against her clit a little faster, a little harder. "C'mon, April," I moaned against her lips, encouraging her. "Just like that, cum for me."
April's body made a trembling arch, shuddered and spasmed and she screamed out her orgasm, raw and primal. She ran out of breath, gasped helplessly, shaking and writhing, her mind blank. I hold up the best that I can against his, fucking into her harder and faster, but only getting a few more strokes in before it's too much for me to handle. I pushed our hips flush against each other as I came, spilling inside of her.
We stay just like that for a few long moments, hovering my weight on top of her as I softened inside of her, panting to try and catch our breath once more. I don't have words, but instead, she filled the silent gap, kissing me gently. It's only after that I move, rolling off of her and letting out a breath. My hand rested on top of her stomach, both of our sweat already mixed together.
"It's not casual, April," I murmured to her gently, kissing her shoulder. "It never has been with you."
Her head turned toward me, much smaller hand resting on top of mine. "I guess it has never been."
Laying there is easy, defamiliarizing ourselves with each other on a more physical level. We've made the mistake before – sex before working everything out. Maybe we hadn't talked about everything yet, but at least individually… I was in a better place now than I had been. I was clear about how I felt. And she seemed like she had gotten herself into a better place, past the binge drinking and the partying. We'd worked on ourselves as individuals. We weren't the same people that we had been when we were married, or in Montana. We'd grown.
"I don't want to be just your co-parent, April," I started slowly, my gaze focused in on hers so that she knew I was serious. "I've never wanted to be just that. I want to be your person. I want to be your best friend, I want to be here for you in every sense of the word. This isn't just sompost-sexex talk, either. You don't have to go for it or trust me immediately, but… I need to tell you how I feel. I need you to know that I still love you, after everything that we've been through and everything that we've down to each other. Even in the moments that I've hated you, I love you. That's never going to stop. I've tried. And it's never going to end, not as long as I'm alive." I'm exposing everything inside of me, letting it all come out. There was some kind of vulnerability in sex itself, but this was an entirely different one. Maybe I needed to be vulnerable with her. It was something that I'd never really tried, I'd always put up the fortitude, let my masculinity get in the way of it. But she deserved better than that. We both did.
"I still love you, April."
