(Joe and Kratos make it to the surface)
Kratos: Wow, that was a crazy 2 weeks!
Joe: I know! Who'd of known that Christmas was started by Mormons?
Kratos: I know, it's freaky...
(Kratos and Joe are ambushed by a group of monsters)
Joe: Holy *BLEEP*, enemies!
Kratos: I think I wet myself!
?: You 2 need to MAN UP!
(Rambo bursts through some bushes and begins to open fire on the monsters. The bullets bounce off the monsters and hit Rambo, killing him)
Joe: Unca RAAAAAAMBO!
Kratos: We'll avenge you... With a vengeance!
(Joe and Kratos dive into the swarm of monsters and begin to hack and slash... Then Kratos wakes up hanging by the skin of his torso inside a vertical tunnel)
Joe: Whoops, dropped you.
(Kratos moans. Joe ACTUALLY reaches the top)
Joe: Well, that was a fun half hour. You ok, Krate?
(Kratos moans)
Joe: Oh yeah, the blood loss.
(Joe siphons some green orbs from a nearby harpy to Kratos)
Kratos: Whoo, let's take on some monsters!
(An army of Cyclopi appear. THE EYEBALL KIND)
Kratos: Uhh... I'm dreaming, right?
(512 deaths later)
Kratos: Guess not.
(Kratos is squashed by a large oak club)
YOU ARE DEAD
Respawn!
(A harpy adds a number to a scoreboard, reading "Kratos: 3 Cyclops: 513". A loud annoying horn goes off)
Loud Ominous Voice: Aaaaaaaaand that's the game!
(The cyclopi trudge off into the thick scrub, grunting excitedly)
Kratos: Joe... I can't feel my legs...
Joe: That's because you've been cut in half at the waist
Kratos: Oh.
YOU ARE DEAD
Respawn!
Kratos: Let's go!
Joe: Wait a sec... Kratos, what does the knee bone connect to?
Kratos: The thigh bone?
Joe: That's it!
Kratos: I'm guessing "Dem Bones" are driving you crazy, huh?
Joe: ...Wow, the excessive beating actually made you smarter.
Kratos: And don't you know it, Athena!
Joe: Or not.
(Kratos lifts the gate barring him from the Vomitorium Combat Arena. The walls begin to move. Kratos goes green)
Joe: Kratos, you don't look so great... Holy *BLEEP*, you're ODing! GODDAMNIT, Author, you're killing Kratos!
Kratos: No, motion sickness.
Joe: Oh.
(Kratos openly vomits on a nearby harpy)
Harpy (in stereotypical metrosexual style): Oh grooooss, now my hair's all messed up... You disgusting pig! And that loincloth is soooo 50,000 BC.
Kratos: No one calls my loincloth old!
(Kratos busts some awesome moves in midair, pwning some harpies. Meanwhile, Joe is waiting for the right moment to pull the cement block forward to stop the wall)
Joe: Ok, focus... Fooooocus...
(Skeleton 2 from Euryale's place pops up)
Skeleton 2: Eeehahaha!
Joe: Holy bajee...
Skeleton 2: *BLEEP*!
Joe: Ehh, I suppose you'll work for some time.
(Joe throws Skeleton 2 in front of the wall's path as it stops on the cement entrance. Joe takes the block and drags it as far as he can)
Skeleton 2: CRAAAAAAACK!
(the wall moves the last little bit and crushes Skeleton 2's spine with a cracking sound)
Joe: That was ironic.
(Joe moves the block a little bit and permanently jars the wall)
Joe: Alriiiight.
Kratos: Ahahaha, where's your precious masseuse NOW, punk? AHAHAHA!
Joe: Uhh, Kratos, the door's open...
Kratos: And your mother's gonna be the first harpy to recieve an eyeball in a box! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW!
Joe: Dude, we really have to go...
Kratos: And you'll be cut open and nailed to your father's...
Joe: KRAAAATOS!
Kratos: Yup, let's go.
(They set off again)
Joe: Say Kratos, what's the hardest drug you've ever done?
Kratos: Rock!
(Kratos and Joe laugh like hell)
Joe: That was actually kind of funny!
Kratos: I know, right?
Joe: Ok, seriously now. Hardest drug?
Kratos: All of them.
Joe: Like... Mixed together?
Kratos: Yeah. I got so wasted I thought my mother was Aphrodite!
Joe: Holy *BLEEP*, seriously?
Kratos: Yeah, I was making out with her and screaming at her to teach me the ways of love!
Joe: Oh my god, that's so wrong it's funny!
(Joe doubles over in a laughing fit)
Kratos: Oh, and I believe I stole a tiger and put it in some guy's bathroom!
Joe: Did...(Aha) He...(*chuckle*) Survive?
Kratos: No, he got slaughtered. The cheif thought Zeus got him! I got away scot free!
Joe: Oh god, I now have so much respect for you. That's... That's just awesome.
Kratos: I then OD'd.
Joe: AHAHA... wait, what?
Kratos: It was right after I'd killed my wife and daughter. I took the deadly cocktail to kill myself.
Joe: (now in a more serious tone) Oh my god...
Kratos: Then Zeus had to poke around in my subconscious and told me he needed me to pwn Ares. I forgot about it and lived my life, then Athena had to remind me.
Joe: But how'd you survive?
Kratos: A sudden overwhelming urge to live. Probably Athena's doing.
Joe: I didn't know you could will yourself back to life.
Kratos: You can't. This story's full of holes.
Joe: I see...
Zeus: (from the sky) So that's what happened to my tiger! You butt plug!
Kratos: Go molest some children, your holiness.
Zeus: How did you... Uhh, I mean, WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?
Joe: Holy damn, Jimmy? Is that you?
Zeus: Oh *BLEEP*...
Joe: So THIS is your administration job! Oh my god, you're Zeus!
Zeus/Jimmy: Yes, Joe, i'm Zeus.
Joe: I've been questing alongside my best friend's enemy, who is my best friend. however, if my best friend's enemy is my best friend, who is my enemy?
Zeus: He is!
Kratos: No, that rock!
Zeus: ROXAS!
Kratos: ROXAS!
Joe: LET ME THINK!
(Joe's head explodes)
JOE IS DEAD
Respawn!
Kratos: Joe... Joe, you there?
Joe: Ugh... where are we?
Kratos: We're in the auditorium of Lahkesis. You passed out laughing.
Joe: You mean Zeus isn't my old best friend?
Kratos: ...Can skeletons take drugs?
Joe: I wish.
Kratos: Then you're just retarded. Come on, we need to get a translator.
Joe: Leave it to me!
(Joe pulls out a cell phone. He dials in a number)
Kratos: Oh my god, a talkbox!
Joe: Shut up Kratos, it's ringing... Yes, Osama? We need some help here.
Kratos: Who is it?
Joe: Uhh... Owllama's Translating agency! They're sending out a translator as we speak!
(A plane flies out of the sky and bombs the room the translator is kept in. The translator flies out of the now pile of rubble right in front of Kratos)
Translator: Please don't hurt me!
Kratos: ...Wow, Owllama knows how to deliver in style.
Joe: Yes, he does... goddamnit...
Translator: I... I have forgotten the words.
Kratos: Read it!
Translator: DILDODILDODILDODILDODILDO!
(Kratos beats him with a nearby metal rod)
Translator: Uhh, I mean... Hear me, sisters of fate! Another searches for what only the sisters can give...
Kratos: Keep reading!
Translator: ...The best damn lapdances in town!
(2 poles come down from the ceiling and 2 hot women slide down, as 2 Of Hearts plays in the backround)
Kratos: ...Screw revenge on Zeus, i'm living here!
(Kratos wakes up to Joe slapping him)
Joe: Kratos! The door is open!
(The whole place is a pile of rubble and the door is missing)
Kratos: Wow, that was one powerful lapdance!
Joe: What?
Kratos: Nothing...
(they continue on)
Translator: Hello? Hello? Give me fooooood!
(No response)
Translator: Aww.
SETTING: The Garden of the Gods
(Kratos walks in and sees the Athena statue)
Kratos: Hey Joe, watch this.
(Kratos starts making out with the statue. The statue starts talking and bites off Kratos' tounge)
Athena Statue: Kratos, you know not what you do. There are things far more important than your revenge. Zeus did what he must to protect Olympus. Gaia speaks nothing but half-truths and falsehoods. The Titans...
(Kratos smashes the statue)
Kratos: Bith sthole my thung!
Joe: Hold still, I'll get it back in working order...
(Joe kills Kratos)
YOU ARE DEAD
Respawn!
Kratos: YOU STUPID *BLEEP*ING TRAITOR!
Joe: I don't think so. Say something.
Kratos: I just di... Ohh, I see what you did. Thanks, man.
(they continue)
Setting: Auditorium of Atropos
(Kratos looks through the gate bars and sees people playing basketball)
Joe: What the hell.
Kratos: well, it is an auditorium.
Joe: ...Dude, that actually made sense. What the hell is wrong with you?
Kratos: I wish I knew, Joe. I wish I knew.
(Kratos pulls out Typhon's Bane and owns everyone but one. WITH TEN SHOTS EACH)
Translator 2: You'll never reach the sisters!
(Translator 2 jumps off the ledge. Kratos shoots his blade like Spiderman does with his webs and wraps the chain around Translator 2's leg. He slowly drags him up)
Kratos: I caught him, he's ok.
(Kratos examines Translator 2 when he arrives. Translator 2 has a broken neck)
Joe: Dude, that's a huge ripoff of Spiderman. Goddamnit TBA, not cool!
TBA: I thought it was. Shut up.
Joe: Peter Parker lost the love of his life in the same way, it changed the way comic book readers thought about comic book death. It changed nerd culture!
TBA: It happened. Live with it.
Joe: YOU INSENSITIVE ASSHO-
(Joe gets struck by lightning)
JOE IS DEAD
Respawn!
Kratos: I have an idea...
(Kratos goes back in time with the corpse)
Translator 2: You'll never reach the... Wh-what's that?
(Translator 2 walks to the barred gate and looks at his own corpse. He sheds a tear)
Joe: Uhh... Weren't you going to kill yourself anyway?
Translator 2: I placed a net under the ledge *sob*.
Kratos: Ahaha, my plan worked!
(Kratos goes back in time again)
Translator 2: You'll never reach the sisters!
Kratos: Wait, I have a proposition for you!
Translator 2: ...Yes?
Kratos: If I can read your mind and tell you something I shouldn't know, you have to translate for me.
Translator 2: ...Hmm. You've got a reputation of being quite a stoner...
(Kratos leans in expectantly)
Translator 2: ...Ok, i'm in.
(Kratos touches Translator 2's head and begins making "ohm" noises. Joe watches for a few seconds, then looks away shaking his head)
Joe: You've gotta be kidding me. He'll just jump anyway!
TBA: I wouldn't be so sure...
Kratos: Hmm... Tough one... You have a net under the ledge for which to catch yourself so you can live.
Translator 2: But... How did you know?
Kratos: It's all in the fingers.
Translator 2: Well, alright. I'll translate. But i'll do a really lousy job of it!
Kratos: Oh really? *cracks knuckles*
Translator 2: No sir.
(Translator 2 clears his throat)
Translator 2: DILDODILDODIL...
Kratos: It's already been done.
Translator 2: Oh.
(Translator 2 clears his throat)
Translator 2: Hear me, noble Sisters who forge our destinies. Another seeks an audience to change their... Oh god, I'm so SICK of this!
Kratos: Hmm?
Translator 2: Basically, you have to kill me with blunt trauma so I bleed onto the floor. Okay?
Kratos: Okay... Thanks...
(Kratos smashes Translator 2's face in with Joe's primary leg bone)
Joe: Mr Leany!
(Lahkesis appears)
Lahkesis: Kratos. Like the fiery Phoenix who is resurrected from his ashes, you too search for a second chance at life. Find these ashes and free the Phoenix. Only then will you find a path to the temple of the Fates.
Kratos: Umm... Will this path include riding the Phoenix?
Lahkesis: Yes, it will.
Kratos: Well, does it have like... A saddle or something? I want to prevent burning... You know...
Lahkesis: The Phoenix is an ancient creature, Kratos. It was around before the humans, and was never known to be successfully tamed, let alone saddled and ridden.
Kratos: ...Will I ever *BLEEP* again?
Lahkesis: If the heat doesn't vaporise it on contact, It will surely render you sterile in a matter of milliseconds. Your pair will begin to bubble and boil, and...
Kratos: Okay, enough already. I'll just wear leather pants.
Lahkesis: Ooh, sexy!
Kratos: ...I'm sorry, what?
Lahkesis: Uhh... Umm... Get to work, puny mortal!
(Lahkesis disappears)
Joe: Mr Leany... What did they do to you?
(shows Translator 2 with leg up his nose, blood pouring from the spare nostril)
Kratos: Dude, just take it so we can go.
Joe: (completely forgetting his previous anguish) Ok.
Setting: The Darkened Room
(An un-named warrior lunges at Kratos. Hardcore Battling ensues. Kratos slams the warrior outside. It is revealed he is The Spartan Warrior)
Kratos: You?
The Spartan Warrior: My... Lord?
Kratos: I told you to return to Sparta. Why do you leave Sparta unprotected? WHY IS SPARTA ALOOOONE?
The Spartan Warrior: Sparta... Is no more.
Kratos: ...SAYWHAT.
The Spartan Warrior: Zeus came under the cloak of darkness... Into Sparta. It was during my shift...
(Cuts to TSW banging a prostitute. A booming sound and rumbling start up)
TSW: GET OUT, I'M ON MY 5 MINUTE BREAK!
(Zeus' eye looks down into the tower. TSW recoils in horror)
Zeus: HERA?
Hera: Hey big man, want some wine?
Zeus: YOU!
(He points at TSW)
TSW: Hey, I paid for her! And I didn't know she was your girl.
Zeus: Oh, ok the- HEY, you're just trying to get me out of here!
TSW: No, I seriously paid for her. Get the *BLEEP* up, my break's almost over.
Zeus: Your break... Has only just begun!
(Zeus collapses the roof on TSW. He takes Hera and puts her on his head)
Hera: I'm riding this baby to MEXICO!
(Cuts back to the present)
TSW: That's all I remember... When I woke up, Sparta was nothing more then a pile of rubble. Wait, I remember one more thing...
(Cuts to Zeus urinating on a pile of flaming rubble)
Zeus: Take THIS, you sissy spartans! Drown in my flood!
(Cuts back to the present)
TSW: I was left with no choice. I had to seek out the Sisters to change the fate of our beloved Sparta, for I am all that is left. Now you are all that is left.
(Joe bursts into tears)
TSW: But do not feel so bad, my lord... *cough* ...There is only one thing you have not given...
Kratos: What is it, my... ally?
TSW: ...You never got my White Castle.
(The Spartan Warrior falls silent)
Kratos: ZEEUS!
(Zeus appears right next to him)
Zeus: Yes?
Kratos: AAAHH! Oh man, you gotta stop doing that.
Zeus: But it's fun!
Kratos: I don't care! Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah!
(Kratos right hooks Zeus. Zeus falls to the ground)
Kratos: Think you'd destroy my city, would you? WOULD YOU?
Zeus: (crying) Y-Yes, i'm sorry!
Kratos: Sorry isn't going to cut it!
(Kratos kicks Zeus in the face, knocking him onto his back)
Zeus: No, stop!
Kratos: YOU THINK I WANT TO DO THIS, DO YOU? YOU MADE THIS!
(Kratos breaks down and begins to cry. Zeus escapes)
AN: And that's the end. No, really. It's over. I can't keep on wasting time on crap like this. Script fiction is not only inferior to 3rd person narrative, but it's BANNED from this very site. I'm sick of being "edgy". I just want to get this damn thing out so people can read what i've already done. Yes, this is a copout. So much time has been wasted on this, and it doesn't even have an end. Well, here's a life lesson for you: Life is full of copouts. Learn to take them like a man/feminist.
I really am sorry about ranting at you, the reader, but it's true. Some stories don't have an ending, and instead of just putting this project off over and over again, I think I should just... end it here, and turn it into one of those stories. Plus, it mirrors real life. You get angry, you get so close to your goal... and then you just cry. You think of the futility of it all and you refuse to move forward. Weaker-minded people, like myself, can barely get out of these. But YOU, the reader, needs to realise that sometimes, disappointments are gonna happen and you need to take them, and keep going!
You need to realise, if you have not already, that sometimes not all stories come prepackaged with an ending. Sometimes, you have to imagine or write the ending yourself. Each time you find a copout, try and fix it in your own mind instead of waiting obediently for someone to write an ending for you. Move forward from every mistake, and try to make something of yourself. If you don't, you'll be swallowed by the darkness of depression.
...Hoo boy. what a rant. Well, I think i'll wrap this up. Thanks to all who have read this story and thanks to all who will read it in the future. I'm so utterly sick of my own creation i'm putting it to an end prematurely. I do hope you've enjoyed it, I really do. It took a long time to write.
You guys are lucky. I cut a major emo part out of this. Seriously, it is something to be thankful for.
Adios, amigos.
