Another rough, un-beta'ed chapter, but, I wanted to give everyone something to read while I bust my butt to catch up on NaNoWriMo. Maybe I can. I think I can. Enjoy! ;)

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Ch. 7 :::::::

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Previously, on Episode III: Return of My Heart:

Theresa smiled back at her brother. Lou was going to be happy even if they had to ram the damn joy down her throat.

Outside, Lou mounted Lightning and turned her towards Jimmy's house. She wasn't sure she wanted to, but she figured he should know about Jeremiah's suspicions, and he could deal with it as he wished. It wasn't her business what name he used and what he wanted to be called. But the man deserved a little warning at least.

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He opened his door to Lou on his doorstep. Again. He marshaled his emotions and his damned inner voice and tied them all down with thick rope. They would NOT get the better of him this time.

What the hell had he been thinking last night? Joining them for bath time and bedtime. Even Jeremiah had raised his eyebrow at that offer. Damn, he was going to have to be more careful. He'd already known the boy was a force of nature, but watching Lou mother him? Her soft, shy smiles that made her face just glow with warmth, her uninhibited laughter when Elias splashed like a fish, her gentle voice when she sang to the boy as she rubbed his back. Jesus, he was going down and going down hard. He not only had wanted to be a part of it, he had started getting a little jealous of the boy and wanted Lou's hands on Jimmy's body and back too. Damn, would she? Was that what it would mean to give himself to her the way she wanted him to? Who the hell could defend themselves against all that?

It was hard enough to try and combat the physical responses he had just to Lou. Shit, Jimmy could still feel the discomfort of his hardness when Eli had splashed so much it got her blouse wet, molding the light fabric to her form. He had smiled on the inside, knowing that she thought him an inept human, allowing the little guy to splash around like a chicken with its head cut off. Jimmy had thought it was all just fun and games.

Until he looked up at her from across the bathtub to see her. And his mouth went as dry as the desert in Tucson. Jimmy hadn't expected to see such an amazingly delectable sight, and thanked all the stars in the heavens for the soaking Elias had given her. It must have been one of those days she decided not to wear anything under her shirt. His mouth suddenly watered to taste the dark buds under her blouse and certain other parts of him stood at sharp attention. He couldn't take his eyes off her, though he had tried to not be too obvious about it. He hid his obvious disappointment when she brought the large towel out, but, Elias seemed as eager for the next stage as he had been for the bath.

Jimmy was overwhelmed by a wave of satisfaction for the boy. He was being raised by a family who loved him so much, he felt safe anywhere. He would want for nothing. He would live in joy. Did Jimmy even want to force himself inside that bubble of contentment? It did seem as though the boy wanted, or perhaps even expected Jimmy to be a part of his life. Was that because of Lou and how they … how she reacted to Jimmy? Or was that simply because he gave the boy a lemon stick when they first met?

Whatever the reason, that boy had Jimmy wrapped around every single one of his chubby little fingers, and Jimmy knew it too. Damn. What would he give to have been able to be there from the beginning. For Lou and for Elias. For Lou. Who was here, again. On his doorstep.

"Lou."

"Jimmy." She nodded, stiffly.

He stared at her for a moment, remembering her clinging, wet blouse and his own desire to suck the moisture from the soaking wet garment right where the peaks formed on her chest, to lick her, tracing his tongue up and down the mounds, teasing her while she weakly cried out for relief and release. She cleared her throat, bringing him back to the present. He smiled distractedly before stepping out of the way. "Come in, please."

She opened her mouth with a knowing smile before closing it and biting her lip as she glanced down. "I'd better not. I just came to-"

He looked at her in bemusement. "It's safe. I won't bite you."

She stared at him for a moment. Was he really going to push this obviously very bad idea? "I never said you would. But, it'd probably be better for both of us if I-"

"Jesus, Lou, I'd rather not have a conversation on my porch with the whole damn neighborhood watching." He glowered at her, insulted.

'She does have a point,' his little voice chimed in with a pointed look. He muffled a growl and threatened his little voice with a gag to go along with its bindings.

She looked around behind her and saw some people meandering here and there, in the street, to and from the heart of their little town in the light of the late afternoon. Jimmy probably didn't need her letting him know about Jerry's suspicions out in the open, either. She lifted her skirts and pushed past him and into his house with a huff. He glanced out to the street once more before closing his door.

He turned to her, grinning crookedly. "There, now. Was that so hard?" He ushered her into the study, bidding her to sit. She did not.

She started quickly, eager to be out of there, "I just came to tell you-"

"Drink, Lou?" He indicated his own half filled glass on the desk in the study.

She shook her head adamantly. "Oh, no. Not this time, Jimmy."

He blinked, perplexed. And then his shoulders fell in realization. "You don't trust me."

She stared at him incredulously. "Trust you? You've accosted me more times than I can count! How am I supposed to trust-?"

"You can't count to two?" He tried to stifle his sardonic grin and almost succeeded.

She folded her arms and glared at him, her mouth pursed into an angry moue. "You aren't counting the time in my bed, then?" she challenged with a raised eyebrow.

He smiled playfully. "Aw, Lou, you invited me that time."

Her eyes went wide in disbelief at his cavalier treatment of what could have been a turning point in their … their… interaction? No, that sounded too impersonal. In their relationship. No, they didn't have a relationship. Their association. Yes. Their association. And, whether or not he actually was aware of it or knew what was happening, he could've finally put to paid all the sexual tension between them, and she finally could have felt him inside her, where she had wanted him. She had been willing and wanting then. Now, she just wanted to say her piece and get out of there.

He saw the insulted look on her face and threw his hands up in a helpless shrug. "Hey, you wanna say I accosted you in bed, then I'm gonna call it like I see it." He shrugged. "Besides, it's not like either of us knew what was happening, right?" He shot a lopsided smile at her, innocently.

Her mouth dropped open and her face burned. She shook her head emphatically, quickly looking down at the floor.

"Of-of course not!"

His smile dropped and he stared at her for a long moment, then let out a tired breath and rolled his eyes. "I couldn't do that to you."

"What?" She looked back up at him quickly.

He sighed loudly, raking his fingers through his hair.

"I couldn't do it to you, alright? Not again." His hand shook as he raked it through his hair in confused frustration. "The first time, I just was so…angry and didn't want to feel anything but anger for you and it wasn't working. I kept feeling like…like you were home." Her breath caught as he continued obliviously, "Like I was finally home. It pissed me off. Then, the other night, it just got…I just got so…lost…in my anger and…God, Lou, I don't know! I just met Elias, and…and, I just felt so…betrayed. So alone." He stopped, wondering if that was actually the word he wanted to use.

She sat down on the couch hard, staring at him perplexed for a moment.

"Wh-why?"

He shrugged helplessly, "I thought he was mine. I thought I should have been with you and him the whole damn time. He needed me. He needed his father. Elias is a boy that has no pa, and I should have been there for him."

Of course. Elias. It would always be about Elias. It would never be about love, or their feelings for each other that he refused to acknowledge or to want. He wanted her body. She wanted his heart. She would never get what she wanted from him. She should probably be thankful he had kept his hands off her for the last few days. He'd had chances and opportunities, but he had just focused on Elias. Well, as he should, she supposed. Her shoulders dropped a bit before she nodded and shrugged.

"Of course."

Her mind wouldn't let it drop though. It wouldn't stop the flashes of intimate moments with Jimmy. On his couch, and…his thickness pressed against her so…snugly, so hard, hot and heavy… In her bed, so sleepy and close. Then, her mind flashed something she didn't remember. Against his wall, so powerful, angry and raw. She had been so wet and ready for him, yet had begged him to stop with tears coursing down her face. He had been different. She had been scared. Frightened of what he was capable of doing.

She jerked her head up, hot-faced and out of breath. He looked at her, puzzled by her behavior.

"Are you alright?"

She nodded automatically, wanting to get to the door quickly. She needed to get out of there. She stood up from the couch, stumbling her way to the study door. Jimmy caught her around the waist before she fell into it.

"Lou? What's wrong?" Holding her in his arms started to cause a cacophony of responses in his body. His breath shortened, his arms tightened around her, and he was suddenly very warm. Releasing her was getting harder and harder each time he touched her. He ignored the other things that were getting harder as well. And, after the last time, he didn't know what it would take to get him off her now.

She pushed at him in confusion. He'd said he wouldn't accost her this time. But with his arms around her, all she could think of were the sudden and intense flashes of the night she had forgotten. He had held her. She'd fought.

"Methinks the lady doth protest too damn much."

"Jimmy, please, not this way."

"You're mine, Lou. Mine, goddamnit. Do you hear me? Mine."

Belt buckle. His breath hot against her ear. "...Widow Rawlins…" His hardness pressing against her.

"You was glowin' 'cause of that little man, and you ain't even got the decency to let him know who his daddy is."

"Beat me, hit me, whip me. God, please, anything but this, please."

"Like Wicks?"

She started swatting at him and pushing away from him.

"Don't you - Get your hands off me! I am not one of your saloon girls you can paw whenever you like, damnit! You can't turn me on and off whenever the hell you want!" She pushed harder.

His arms went slack, and she stumbled away from him, her chest heaving from exertion.

"Don't you dare touch me again!" she bit out, venomously.

"Jesus, Lou, what the hell?"

"I am not a whore, Jimmy! I might have acted like one once, but damnit! That was a long time ago! You have NO right to touch me like that anymore!" She glared at him.

"That's what you think this is? You think I'm touching you 'cause I'm fucking horny?" His voice started increasing in volume before he stopped himself, closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He opened them to stare at Lou in disbelief.

She shrugged, flippantly, looking down at his feet. "If the boot fits …"

His jaw clenched and his eyes narrowed. "Five years wasn't enough to pull your head out of your ass, I see," he ground out.

Her eyes widened at his gall. "Don't you dare-"

"Oh, I dare, sweetheart. Sit down."

She growled, "Who the hell do you think -"

"I said, 'Sit down!'" he roared.

Startled, she gasped, grabbing up her skirts to quickly obey his command.

He paced in front of the fireplace, long strides taking him to and from the desk to the large wall of bookshelves on the opposite side of the room.

"I wasn't supposed to see you again," he started, pacing to the desk. "You were supposed to be in Virginia, happily with Kid for the rest of your life." He paced back to the bookshelf, staring at it unseeingly. "You were gonna. You were supposed ta."

He stood straight and glared at her.

"I was never supposed ta see you again."

She watched him cautiously as he walked back to the desk, glaring at her. He opened the top of an ornately carved reddish wooden box. She wondered if it was cherry, with how rich and red the wood was then stopped herself. What the hell was she admiring that box for? He could have a gun in there! Wait, why would Wild Bill have a gun in a damn box? The voice in the back of her head sarcastically congratulated her on the first sensible and logical conclusion she had come to all day.

He pulled out a folded piece of paper.

Oh. Not a gun. She had an overwhelming sense of foreboding. This was not going to be good. Then he pulled out another one. Two? Her curiosity was piqued. She craned her neck, trying to get a look at them. Noticing her movement out of the corner of his eye, he chuckled. It wasn't a reassuring sound. She settled back into the corner of the couch warily.

"Well, Lou." He looked at her with a slightly amused glance that did nothing to assuage her concerns for her safety or peace of mind. "It's been five years." He waited for her to respond. She looked around, then back at him and nodded.

He handed her a folded piece of paper as he sat down on the opposite end of the couch and faced her.

"Read it," he rasped, his voice harsh with five years of suppressed emotion.

She slid a hesitant glance at him before opening the paper, dreading what was in it before she saw the myriad tear stains on it as she unfolded it.

"Oh, god, no," she whispered, her eyes shooting to him in shock.

His face, like granite, brooked no argument as he stared at her coldly. He had tried to let it go. He had tried to move on, to treat her with some modicum or semblance of respect or care. He probably could have buried the anger and hurt deeper, if she had only- no. There was truly nothing she could have done to prevent this moment. Their past would have always been hanging over their heads. The memories would have always kept emotions between them raw and on edge. His intense stare narrowed on her as her eyes fell to the paper. She stroked it gently, tears hovering in her eyes, at the edge of her her lashes.

It was soft, as though it had been handled often. She closed her eyes against the pain of seeing her own words again. She stared at the ceiling, corralling her emotions before she began to read.

"Dear Jimmy," she breathed.

This time, as she read the letter she wrote to him five years ago in Ft. Kearney, she realized how much of it was a lie. A lie to herself. A lie to Jimmy, and a lie to Kid. Tears trickled down her cheeks as she read out loud every lie she had written five years ago. She didn't feel that way about Kid. She didn't once talk about loving Kid, she only said that he was her first love.

She had given up everything to be with Kid. She gave up her whole reason for joy and happiness. Jimmy had been her lifeline, but she was so focused on doing the right thing and not the happy thing, that she'd made them all miserable. This letter was full of love for Jimmy, and only talked about loyalty to Kid. How did she not see it? How had she been so blind? Wasn't that one of the things she accused Jimmy of calling her? Blind? How right he had been. And she was still doing it now. Why couldn't she let go of those things? All the little things. It was hurtful and childish. She was the blind and thick-headed one.

All this, she sniffled, tears running down her face, all this could have been prevented, with a little less pridefulness from her. He was so right to hate her. He had been wronged, and she had wronged him. She didn't even deserve to be on this couch with him. She didn't know how to make anything up to him, or if it was even possible to do so.

She ended the letter with the closing, "With all my love, Lou," with a sob.

"Jimmy," she whispered. "I'm so s-"

"Don't," he spat. He never wanted to hear her say 'sorry' after reading that letter. Never again.

She flinched, but she wasn't going to leave. She refused to leave, refused to listen to the voice inside yelling at her to get out. That was about self preservation. But, Jimmy needed this. He needed to get this off his chest, off his back. She was the one who put it there, so she would take the responsibility of taking it back from him. No matter what it took. No matter how badly it hurt.

She glanced at him, his hunched form, his elbows on his knees, face in his hands, his paper threaded between his fingers. Swallowing hard, she spoke in a barely audible whisper.

"You had two papers?"

He tapped one of his fingers on the bridge of his nose. She hoped that was a good sign. At least a sign that he was ready to pour out some of his pain that she caused. She knew this was going to hurt.

He raised his head, determined to complete this mission, this plan. He wasn't going to get this chance again. He had died that day. And now, he could give that pain back to her. All it had taken was her words. It was his turn to make some words hurt her, too.

"I spent so much time reading your letter, I wrote my translation of it for you. I … hope you don't mind," he snarked. She knew the question was rhetorical, but she nodded anyway, bracing herself.

" 'Dear Jimmeh,' " he started in a tone mocking her voice and inflection. "Did I... did I get that right? I wouldn't want to make a mistake when it came to using your words, Lou." She closed her eyes against the tears that were rolling down her face.

He sneered and continued, " 'Even though we've had mind-blowing, soul-melding sex where we made promises to each other with our bodies and with our words, I've changed my mind. I need to make the safe decision. I need to be with Kid because all common sense tells me I should be with Kid.' " He glared at her, leaning in close to her ear, cornering her on the couch as she cowered away. "Was it good, Lou?" he whispered harshly. "Was he worth it? So worth it he left you … what? Not even a year later? How far along were you when he left? Did he at least make sure you had a doctor or midwife to help you? Or did you have to scrounge them up all on your own? Was that part of your 'equally yoked' marriage they constantly spout on about in the sermons on Sundays?"

The harsh reality of his words was like a slap in the face. Tears coursed down her face as she realized how little she must have actually meant to Kid if even Jimmy could see it without even having being here for the short lived experience. Equally mortifying, she realized his closeness was inciting an internal riot. His scent caused heat to pool below her belly. She gasped at the suddenness of her response to his nearness. She bit her lower lip and put her head down in the hopes that he couldn't see or scent her physical reaction to his proximity.

He snickered cruelly. "So dedicated he was to your future. He couldn't even wait around nine months for the baby to be born before leaving you for a useless war. After all he promised just to get you away from me, death was more attractive than a life with you?" She tried to choke back a sob as his jibe hit like an arrow, straight and true, to the heart of her pain. She hadn't been worthy enough … She hadn't been enough to keep Kid home. To keep him safe. He went and fought for a land that had rejected him, rather than to stay home and raise Elias together.

Jimmy kept on hammering her with his words. "Oh, and convenient, that. A baby so soon after the wedding. How lucky for you people can't count." He sneered, then seemed to remember himself and straightened himself into his sitting position again.

"As I was saying, 'So even though, you've been inside me and heard me cry out your name like it was God's, I want you to be able to treat me the same, like there are no consequences.'" He glared at her. "'Cause never in a million years has sex ever had consequences, right, Lou?" He barked, "I'm talkin' to ya, Lou? Any consequences from our sex, Lou?! 'Cause I could swear I just tucked one into bed last night with you." Her head flew up as she let out a small cry, incredulous. How dare he bring up that personal and intimate moment like it was some ploy to- He growled loudly, jerking her from her righteous anger. He glowered, his look overriding her indignation. She tightened her thighs together, shame and desire roiling together inside her, triggering warmth between her thighs.

She sank further into the couch curling up into herself, flinching away every time he raised his voice at her. She deserved this, she knew she did, but it hurt more knowing how close he was to the truth. He needed the truth. From her. And soon.

Jimmy stared evilly at her, watching her face growing redder and seeing her cringe with every sentence he read. He was shaking in anger, yet watching her cower on the couch was doing nothing to alleviate his rage.

" 'I want to be comfortable in our friendship,' " he snarled. " 'I want you to still be the good friend you've always been and treat me like a sister even.' " He snorted, "That's likely." He watched her as he finished, " ''Cause I'm going to forget all this ever happen and I want you to do the same. But, by the way, even though I have yet to say it about Kid, I'll always love you.' "

He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. The silence was oppressive and deafening.