A/N. All characters belong to SM.
A gasp. A cry. A shudder. These were all the things her body did as she stood in the closed doorway of the lounge. My fingers were suspended over the keys. I found myself mimicking her shaky breath and trembling limbs.
I stood up. The bench I was sitting on fell. In six strides my arms encompassed her small frame. She didn't sag as some do when finally held in the arms of someone strong. She continued standing, on her own two feet.
I wanted to sweep her up. I wanted to wipe away her tears, but the herculean grip she held me in kept me from moving. As fiercely as she held me, I return that strength ten fold. Her sobs were quiet, as if she was afraid to let the dam burst. I thought about running my hands up and down her back in a soothing motion, but decided not to. I didn't want to lose claim to the skin that was already purchased under my palms.
The light from the piano lamp was the only illumination. I could barely make out her face. I didn't see any new marks on her body as I rushed towards her. Yet she was trembling, quivering in my arms. Our knees were pressed together. That's how close we held each other.
She stood there shaking and I shook with her. I started to get slightly dizzy when I realized I was still matching her scattered breaths. After a minute, an hour, a thousand years, her arms started to loosen from their death grip around my waist. She may have waned her hold, but I didn't. She would have to push me away or say something to break the grip I had on her.
She didn't pull away. Instead, she buried her face even further into my shirt, inhaling and exhaling my scent. I followed and let the aroma of her hair envelope my senses. I was right about the strawberry shampoo.
"Bella."
Her shoulders tensed again and her head shook in reply. It was killing me not knowing what was wrong. A hundred questions ran through my head. Why was she crying? Did someone hurt her again? Was she finally going to let me in?
I prayed that she would give me some clue. A hint. Anything I could use to help her. I also prayed that she'd never no how satisfied I was at this moment. A pure selfish thought repeated in my mind. She didn't go to someone else. She came to me. I was the one holding her. I was the one comforting her.
"Bella…. Please tell me?"
Again she shook her head into my chest.
It was torture. Not knowing. Not hearing her voice. Worse, I couldn't look into her deep eyes. But I couldn't push her. I had to be patient, so I continued my course and just held her.
Her erratic breathing soon began to surrender to a more peaceful rhythm. Her feet started to shuffle, looking for a sense of balance and I knew she would soon pull away from me. I loosed my hold. Her forehead was still pressed into my chest as she brought her hands up to rub her face.
I moved my hand to her chin and raised her face to mine. Her skin was blotchy and streaked with tears. Her lips were pale and chapped and her eyes were glassy and red. We stared at each other for a moment. Unspoken words flowed between us, until I broke the silence for a third time.
"Bella?"
She didn't pull away. She didn't look away. Her facial features began this odd dance. Eyebrow furrowed. Lips parting then closing. Eyes trying to find another object to stare at, to avoid my questioning gaze. I could visibly see the resolve seize her face.
"Please." Her plea cracked at my heart. "I can't. I just can't." Another tear fell from her eyes. "Please don't make me."
I released her chin and pulled her head back into my chest cradling it. "It's all right. It's okay. You don't have to say anything tonight." I ran my palm down her head and hair. Hearing her beg made me realize that I couldn't push her. She needed to feel safe and protected before she could let her demons out. As heartbreaking as it was to see this beautiful person so broken, forcing her to talk right now would be devastating.
"It there anything I can do?" I asked giving control solely over to her.
"Will you play for me?"
"I'll do anything for you."
I released her and took her small hand in mine and lead her over to the couch that was closest to the piano. I motioned for her to sit as I went back to the instrument and righted the fallen bench. I sat down and looked back over to her.
She had curled herself onto the couch using her arm as a pillow. Her eyes were closed, as if trying to find some peace.
I began playing softly. The twinkling of the notes carried through the air creating a type of calm serenity and encasing us both. Halfway through the song, I glanced back at the beauty lying near me. Her face was tranquil now and held a tiny smile. I decided then, that I would play for her all night if I had to, just keep her soul at ease.
Mozart, Beethoven, Debussy. Winston, Yost, Yiruma. When I had run out of my favorite classical and contemporary composers, I switched to musicals, my favorites being Phantom of the Opera and Les Miserables.
The music surrounded us just like Andrew Lloyd Webber's lyrics dictated. I would occasionally look over at the beautiful creature still curled up on the thirty-year old sofa. She seemed to be able to sense me, because her eyes met mine every time.
I was half way through my favorite song from Les Miserables when I became aware of her rhythmic breathing. I looked over again and she didn't return my glance. I finished out the song on an exhilarated high. It was totally irrational, but I was beyond myself with satisfaction and excitement.
My presence, my music allowed Bella to succumb to the most therapeutic human phenomenon in the world. I had lulled her to sleep. I could only presume that it was peaceful from her creaseless skin and upturned lips. Her limbs did not twitch, which sometimes occurs when dreams are restless. Her eyes lids did not flutter. She was still and she was beautiful.
I started a final song. A lullaby. I was almost afraid to stop playing, thinking that the lack of music would stir her. It didn't. As the last sustained note lingered, a deep sigh escaped her lips as if to applaud.
I glanced at my watch. It was close to midnight. I knew we should head back to our rooms. But that was too rational and unselfish. I didn't want to lose her behind two doors and a hallway. So I did something absurd.
I left Bella asleep on the couch and made my way back to my room. I grabbed my comforter, a blanket and two pillows and walked back to the lounge. I locked the double doors behind me, in an effort to prevent anyone from entering our sanctuary.
I had left the piano light on and was able to maneuver one pillow under Bella's precious head. I thought my heart would stop when I saw her brown hair cascading over my blue pillowcase. I then took my comforter and tucked it around her form. She hummed several times in contentment.
I set my watch alarm, before putting a pillow on the floor below her head. It was stupid. There were five other couches I could have claimed. But that would have placed me to far from the person I wanted to be close to. I settled myself on the carpeted floor and pulled the blanket over me.
My recent lack of sleep left me exhausted and Bella's deep breaths were like a sedative. Soon I could no longer keep my eyelids open. I finally allowed myself to fall into a comforting sleep, knowing that Bella was safe and only an arm's length away.
* * *
I could tell it was morning from the pale light that filtered through my thin eyelids. My body was heavy and stiff, like I hadn't moved all night. The carpet gave the floor some cushion, making it hard but not unbearable. I opened my eyes and my breath caught in my throat.
Bella was still asleep and if I had thought her beautiful before, I was wrong. The morning sun that just cracked through the window behind her silhouetted her face and coffee hair. The light brought out the sparkling hue of her blushed cheeks and red lips. I could see now how long and curled her eyelashes were. They were a perfect compliment to her big brown eyes. I was in a trance, just staring at her. I took in every line, mark, detail of face and burned it into memory. I was so consumed that I didn't realize the time, until my watch alarm started beeping. With that, she stirred. And the spell I was under broke.
Her eyes were heavy with sleep as she tried to rub them awake with her palms. I didn't notice before, but Bella bit her nails. I wondered vaguely if it was a nervous habit. I couldn't fault her at this slight imperfection. I'm surprised I wasn't loosing hair from all the times I dragged my fingers across my head. I was beginning to realize that it was the culmination of these unique things that made her Bella.
I was lost in thought when I realized Bella was staring at me, making me nervous. The idea of cuddling on the floor next to her in the formal dorm lounge was brilliant last night. Now in the daylight, I began to seriously rethink my decision. Feeling like an utter idiot, I let the word escape my lips that said it all in guy college language. "Hey there."
She smiled. Thank God she smiled.
"You know, I'm pretty sure the floor is not that comfortable." Her voice was light and … perfect.
"Yeah, I hadn't really thought about that last night." I would have buried my head in my pillow if it wouldn't look like such a girl thing to do.
Why does my mouth filter not work around her?
"Why didn't you just wake me up?
"I didn't want to."
Her head fell back on the pillow as she giggled at my honesty. I, on the other hand wanted to strangle myself.
"I like this," she said, resting her head on the crook of her elbow when she looked back at me. My face must have screamed confusion because she continued. "You. Your bluntness. The way you say whatever comes to your mind. You haven't done that in a long time. It's nice." Her smile widened. "It's nice to see you again."
"Again?"
She leaned back, looking again towards the ceiling. I wish she would stop looking away. "Well… Okay… don't be mad, but you kind of turned into a real jerk last year." Her bashful eye returned to my face.
I was floored. Leveled. Screwed. I had no idea she was paying attention to me during 'wish I could forget' my junior year. I didn't try to close the gaping hole my mouth created when my jaw dropped.
"I mean. I could tell it was just. I don't know. A phase. But… it wasn't you." Her brown eyes were shining with some epiphany. "I'm just glad you're back."
Still working without the useful connection between my brain and mouth, I uttered the only thing I could. "Thank you."
The air was charged between us as all these new revelations overwhelmed me. She saw me. She saw through me. More importantly, she saw into me. Into my past. Into my present. Into the person I created last year and the man I returned to this year.
I got up from the floor, knowing this was a moment I could not pass up. I lightly tapped her hip for her to scoot over and took a precarious perch on the edge of the sofa.
"Bella." I placed my arm on the back of the sofa and leaned slightly towards her. "I saw your arms. I saw them the other day."
Her eyes widened in horror. Her lips parted to contradict me.
"Wait." I pleaded, hoping to buy me the time I needed to say this. "I'm not going to ask. I'm not going to pressure you. But I know."
Her eyes became wide in fear. Tears began pooling in the crease of her lids.
"I know something happened. I know you were hurt. That you are hurt."
I brought my hand to gently cup her face.
"When you are ready. When you want to. I will be here. I will listen. I will help you. You are safe with me… I will always be here."
She pressed her cheek into my hand, and I accepted her silent answer. The answer that if converted to verbal form would say "Thank you."
"Aren't you going to get up?" Bella said looking at me with a puzzled expression.
"What?"
"We should probably get back to our rooms. Don't you have class today?"
Oh Shit. I blanked out. Wait. What. The. Fuck. I didn't have anything to drink last night. What the hell happen to the last few minutes?
"Huh?"
"You know. Our rooms. Classes. We're still in the lounge."
"Crap. Yeah. I'm sorry." I rolled out from under my blanket and kneeled. Slowly folding the blanket, I tried to decipher what part of the conversation I just had with Bella was real. Because, obviously my version was wrong based on the fact that she was looking at me like I had two heads.
"Are you alright?" she asked me.
"Yeah. Fine," I answered again, the diarrhea with the mouth extremely prominent.
She gathered my comforter and pillow and stood, heading towards the doors. I followed suit because I didn't know what else to do.
I unlocked and opened the doors and soon, we were walking down the hall towards our rooms. My mind became awash with déjà vu. The same silence as yesterday filled the space between us.
"I'm sorry." Her voice came out no louder than a whisper.
"What?" I stopped at the small stairs. The same stairs that she slipped down yesterday. "Sorry for what?"
"Well. I didn't mean to upset you."
"Upset me?" I was a skipping record. Fuck.
"I kind of called you a jerk. I didn't mean to make you mad."
"Wait… You think I'm mad because you called me a jerk?" I was … totally confused.
"Yeah." She hung her head, allowing her bed hair to obstruct half of her face.
God. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm having hallucinations. I rewound the last few words she said and put the pieces together. She was referring to her comment about my wonderful personality last year.
"I was a jerk." I was so nonplussed that I thought my reaction would bowl her over. "Bella, last year I was a jerk. And an ass. And, well, pretty much every crappy thing under the sun. You're right."
Her shoulders relaxed and she tucked that long curtain of hair behind her ear. She smiled and again, I couldn't help but be caught by her simplistic beauty. And her honestly. The imaginary conversation popped back to the forefront of my brain.
Her being honest made me want to be honest. I wanted to tell her that I saw the marks. That she didn't have to hide from me. I wanted the elephant that sat squarely between us to be uncovered. She was candid and I wanted to so the same.
We had almost reached her door, before my determination took affect.
"Bella, I know about the…"
"Stop!" Her abrupt termination of my sentence left me floundering. "Please don't. I don't want to. I don't want to know what you know. I just…." She dropped her head, so I couldn't see her eyes. "I can't. Please. I just can't."
I wanted to grab her. I wanted to shake her. I wanted to scream to her that it didn't matter. It didn't matter that I knew she was bruised. It didn't matter that she was marked. I wanted to force her to accept that it made no difference if I said it or not. I knew what was coloring her skin and it didn't change a thing.
I needed her to know that I knew and that… I was still here. That I was still standing next to her. That… That she was still… beautiful.
"Edward." Her voice was no more that a whimper, projected solely to the floor and not to me. It was a pleading voice. "Please don't."
Staring at her head, her hair haphazardly dangling forward as her eyes looked down in profound shame, I got it. I wanted to tell her. But she needed my silence. She needed me to say nothing.
My fantasy conversation was wrong. Absolutely, totally wrong. How could I have ever thought that just voicing my intuition would make everything all right? That she would be relieved. I would be relieved. Everything would end happy.
What an idiot.
She continued staring at the floor while my brain processed this new revelation. Finally I found my voice. "It's okay, Bella." I reached between us and lightly grasped her wrist. "It's alright."
At my touch, her head lifted and her eyes met mine. I gave her a small crooked smile in a vain attempt to sooth her worries. It worked, I think. Her brown orbs seemed brighter, even though they were brimming with unspent tears. She returned a tentative smile before turning and opening her door.
It softly closed behind her, as I stood square in the middle of the hallway. After a moment, I walked to my room and entered.
For some unfathomable reason I felt like I was drowning. But I wasn't drowning alone. Bella had been in the water longer, was more tired, more battered. I was out there to help her. But I just couldn't reach her. And without reaching her, I would never swim back to shore.
Bella needed help. I needed help.
I walked over to my desk and opened my cell phone and dialed the one person I knew could throw me a life preserver. On the third ring, voicemail picked up, but it didn't matter. I knew she would return my call.
A/N Because I have such awesome readers and reviews I am giving you two chapters in one day. So show me some love. Lots and lots of reviewing love.
