WILL I EVER UNDERSTAND MICHAEL?
Yeah. I'm flattered that you'd ask me about the uh, Senator. I was surprised when he was elected. I didn't even know Michael knew how to vote. But I guess it's whoever says what they have to say the loudest, right? I had a lot to say; after all, I was one of the jurors on the Scranton Strangler case, right?
And I have a bunch of degrees, I was in seminary, have an MSW, recently I got a creative writing certificate from Long Island University in Brooklyn.
I had hoped to break into writing here in New York, but except for doing a little copy for baseball cards, and a catalogue I edited for Neiman-Marcus, the public doesn't want to read what I have to say. So I'm an assistant manager at Duane Reade on 59th and Broadway.
But Michael-I'm not even sure he got out of grammar school, his spelling was abysmal. But he could sell anything. That's the only reason he kept his job.
And I heard him on C-Span the other night. Some Congressman from Minnesota was trying to get money for shelter-belts or something, and they sent Michael up there to filibuster, and all he had to do was talk until everyone was worn out, and the shelter-belt, whatever that is, wouldn't be funded.
And Michael did it. He talked for seven hours. He can do that, you know. He once auditioned for a play doing the entire-yes, a whole episode of "Law and Order".
And I watched Michael-I was trying not to call this woman I broke up with, so I watched Senator Scott talk about everything under the sun, while the liberal Senators were fuming, right? He talked about SpongeBob and UFOs, and the lack of good magic camps in the Pacific Northwest.
And that's all he ever did when he worked at Dunder Mifflin. He knew nothing about business; he just ran his mouth constantly. I worked my butt off there. Then I escaped to Costa Rica, but I had an accident and was in traction most of the time, and came back.
So how is everyone else in the office? Did you interview Pam Halpert? What about Nellie, the British woman who managed after Michael left? Are Jim and Pam Halpert still together? I guess you wouldn't know that. I had a real connection with Pam, but somehow she didn't understand.
I have to go. I have to be up by five-thirty am to inventory fabric softener at the store.
