Part Seven: The Sorting
by Underlined Twice


"Oh, this is so exciting, Severus!"

"You'll get over it soon enough. The novelty will wear off and you'll end up buying barrels of red ink."

"Why bother ordering new ones? You still have half a dozen left from last year's midterms."

"Abbey, Collins."

"Look, Severus! That one is definitely a Gryffindor!"

"Nonsense. He'd crack under the pressure of a feather. Hufflepuff, I'd say."

"Shows what you—"

"HUFFLEPUFF!"

"…Okay, that was a lucky guess."

"Reluctant to accept my superiority, Miss Granger?"

"Hardly, you overgrown bat."

"Aranus, Joanna."

"There's one of yours."

"Are you mad? What self-respecting Slytherin would be named 'Joanna'?"

"SLYTHERIN!"

"Don't look so smug, Hermione. It might please you to know that the Miss Aranus' parents are rather infamous for their hatred of Slytherins."

"Oh my."

"Indeed. They both graduated a year before you and the rest of your miserable classmates started."

"Now, Severus—"

"Beauvoir, Anna."

"Ravenclaw."

"Rubbish. She's obviously a slothful miscreant Gryffindor, just like — stop glaring, dear — the majority of your house."

"And this is coming from the man who claimed that house rivalries are silly traditions that should have no effect on one's adult life?"

"I have never said such a thing. I believe you are putting Minerva's words into my mouth. All I have ever said is that rivalries build character. And Merlin knows your house needs it."

"Severus! I clearly heard you say those exact words. Although… I think you were asleep at the time…"

"…I actually think I remember now that you mention it. And wipe that silly grin off your face, woman. That was one of the most frightening nightmares I've ever had."

"I believe the rivalries comment was followed by 'twelve million points to Mister Longbottom.'"

"GRYFFINDOR!"

"…"

"Go on! Say it."

"Say what?"

"'I told you so.'"

"I am a Snape, madam. We never stoop so low as to actually say those words. We let our delightfully expressive manner say it for us."

"Bah!"

"Biondino, Clinton."

"…"

"Aren't you going to make an ill-thought out prediction, Madam Snape?"

"I was waiting for you to make a guess so I could prove you wrong again."

"Very well. He's another Slytherin."

"…You know, I actually think you're right. He has that shifty look about him."

"HUFFLEPUFF!"

"…"

"Face it, Severus. You're losing your touch."

"You agreed with me, you silly woman."

"Ah yes, but since this is my first Sorting, it can be argued that I never had a touch to lose."

"She finally speaks sense."

"You're lucky I love you. Elsewise, I would've strangled you by now."

"I'd like to see you try. It would give me something amusing to think of during staff meetings. I've been sustaining myself so far with images of Pomona's hat collection becoming carnivorous. …Don't snort, Hermione. It isn't fitting of a Snape."

"Cartwright, Jack."

"Either Hufflepuff or Gryffindor."

"Hm… Despite his… effeminate side, I'd still say Gryffindor. I'm sure he'll do something monumentally stupid in the first week that will have him in the Hospital Wing for a month."

"What, you mean like Mister Thames? Your beloved, Slytherin prodigy who ruined fourteen cauldrons in twenty minutes?"

"I'll have you know that no one was injured in that incident. And his parents bought twenty new cauldrons of better quality to replace the ones he melted. One might think that Mister Thames'… spirited behavior was actually a good idea, unlike the class full of blue-faced fifth-years who managed to miscast the Bubblehead Charm to suffocate them all."

"I was confined to the Hospital Wing! How was I supposed to know that they'd try to continue class without me?"

"GRYFFINDOR!"

"Sigh… Well, good for him, I suppose. It seems like there won't be any new Ravenclaws this year."

"Oh dear. I fear my heart will break."

"Shut up, Severus."

"How wonderfully articulate, madam."

"I ought to—"

"Cummerbund, Ryan."

"Yes, my dear?"

"…Never mind. This one's a Gryffindor too."

"No, he's a Ravenclaw."

"I don't think that's quite right. There's something… different about this one. Possibly a Slytherin."

"Definitely not a Slytherin. His parents were Clooney and Patagonia Roberts, both drop-out Hufflepuffs."

"Wait… Clooney Roberts? I heard that he was a Gryffindor. Were you teaching when he left?"

"No, he and his woefully-named wife came and went in the five years between my graduation and the start of my doomed career."

"That is odd… I'll have to look them up in the library tomorrow."

"SLYTHERIN!"

"…I'll help you with that research."

"Want to make sure your pure Slytherins aren't tainted with Hufflepuff blood?"

"Now that you mention it, I believe one of the Notts came up with a charm to remove those bloodstains. Quite useful, actually. I don't know how many robes had to be thrown out before it was created."

"Severus!"

"Hogan-Kidd, Joseph."

"Where are all the female firsties?"

"A Dark spell was going around during the bleakest parts of the War, ensuring that any child conceived would be male. The purebloods were concerned with having no one to carry on the family name and so they decided to follow the Carrows' brilliant lead and use the spell. Unfortunately, I do believe it leaked out to the general populace."

"Why haven't I heard of this before?"

"It was one of those strictly man-to-man things. I was approached by Avery about it about ten years back and I must say it was one of his less-flattering moments."

"So I guess this limits your options for your future know-it-all suductee?"

"Most terribly."

"Well… you know, I wouldn't mind if I had to pass you off to a strapping young man instead of a beauteous young lady."

"You are twisted, madam. Sick and twisted."

"I get it from you, darling. Now, I think this next one's a Slytherin."

"He might have to change his name, but I must agree with you nonetheless."

"HUFFLEPUFF!"

"Another one? What the bloody hell is this, a rebellion?"

"Now, Severus…"

"Do you think it's too late to hand in my resignation? Can I refuse to teach this new legion of Hufflepuffs?"

"I'm afraid you're just going to have to face it, Severus. Underneath it all, every Slytherin is just a big dewdrop."


A/N: Almost 10,000 hits! And 56 reviews! WOW, you guys! You cheer up my bleak existence!

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT:

...Drumroll... I am hereby announcing a small Contest of sorts! Each of the firsties sorted in this chapter is based off of a person/character in either a movie or a book (90 percent movies, actually). There are clues placed in the dialogue and in the names as to who they are.

Whoever can correctly guess the most will be featured in an upcoming chapter AND/OR in the actual-prose sequel to this that I'm thinking of writing (and will possibly get a fan picture of themselves and the characters). Please don't cheat by copying off of what other people guess. The Contest will be open until further notice. It depends on how many responses it gets. (Or, alternatively, the first person to get them all right.)

HAVE AT IT!