Hello again. I continue to be so very moved by your reviews. I'm sorry the last chapter left things as they were. I'm also sorry I can't get these up any faster. This week has been very busy, hectic work schedule and all. Hell, I got a reminder e-mail from Starbucks that my birthday is next week. Downside: forgetting your own birthday. Upside: Free drink next Wednesday! I don't care what they say, birthdays are always awesome... So I aim to have this story done by my 4th annual 29th Birthday ;) Anyhow, I feel a bit successful getting as much of this up as I have considering my week! Happy Friday :)


Kate Beckett sat on the bed and wiped the tears from her face. She wasn't sure there was any point to it considering that within seconds new ones had taken their place. She was exhausted, physically and mentally, and was sickened by the amount of pain she'd caused Castle. She knew he didn't deserve her outburst, but she was afraid that if she didn't pull back now he'd never recover if he lost her. She felt lost; completely confused and without a clue as to what she should do next. Lying down onto the bed, she rolled onto her side in somewhat of a fetal position and stared at the wall facing the large bedroom window. The whole situation seemed hopeless. She couldn't live with him and she couldn't live without him. Another tear streamed down her cheek, dripping from the side of her face and onto the bed.

"You're already a part of me you know." She didn't hear him enter the room and his words startled her. "You're already ingrained within me. You're my first thought in the morning and my last thought at night. It's been that way for some time Kate." He softly spoke to her from behind.

"Castle please. I'm just tired. I'm sorry I yelled at you and I'm sorry I ran, I shouldn't have done that; but Castle, I'm too tired now." Her voice sounded hollow, dejected even.

"It's ok Kate. You don't need to talk, but I need you to listen to me, ok?" He waited for some sign that she'd heard him. When he saw the slight nod of her head he continued.

"I know you've lost a lot Kate. I know that you're scared of what is going to happen next. I know that all the plans you made suddenly feel under threat. Maybe they are under threat Kate. Because you're right, I can't tell you it is going to be alright." He walked over to the bed and tentatively took a seat on the side closest to the door. She sensed the slight dip in the bed and felt an immediate sense of comfort, simply brought on by his proximity.

"I can't give you guarantees Kate, but there is something that I can promise you." He lowered his voice to nearly a whisper. "I can promise you that no matter what happens, I will be alright."

Kate took his words in, swallowing back sobs and letting the tears continue to cascade down her face. She still didn't turn to face him. "Kate" he continued "I made you promise before the surgery that you would let me in, that you wouldn't shut me out. I've watched you try to keep that promise and I'm so thankful for that." He stretched himself out on the bed, lying on his side facing her with his head propped on his arm. "When I made you promise me Kate, I didn't realize that I was asking you to do something that was extremely unfair."

Kate inhaled sharply and waited for him to continue. "See Kate, you've done a beautiful job of showing me what this has been like for you. You've allowed for me to come along with you and I'll always be so grateful that you let me in, to be here for you. What I didn't realize was that by letting me in, you were also forced to watch how your cancer affected me. You had to face the pain and deal with watching my pain because of it." Kate's shoulders began to shake as she was no longer able to control her sobs. What he said was true, she couldn't face having to watch him slowly loose her. She couldn't keep him if it would destroy him. She loved him too much. "So I understand that you want to try to push me out now to protect me, to keep me from getting even more hurt later; but Kate I'm already invested. I'm already in 100%. Kate we could be married with 10 children and I wouldn't be more invested than I am now." She exhaled at his words, acknowledging that for both of them it was too late, they were already too involved. "If you back away now it will be devastating-for the both of us Kate. Please don't take away our hope for a future together."

"Please Kate." Raising himself on his forearm, he softly reached for her and placed his hand on her trembling shoulder. "Please trust me to be ok. Please trust that I can be strong enough to carry this burden too. It's the only way you'll be able to share it, and you need to share it." His voice cracked as he became overcome with emotion, "please don't stop coming to me. I'm here and I couldn't leave if I wanted to."

Rick waited from some sign from her, for some acknowledgement of his words. Slowly, she moved her hand up to meet his where it rested on her shoulder, lacing their fingers together. Although she never spoke and didn't turn to acknowledge him, the gesture was enough. She would keep holding on, and so would he. She needed him as much as he needed her and that was it.


September came and along with it came the time for Kate's 5th treatment session. After returning from the Hamptons they'd decided that they would trust eachother, rely on eachother and communicate more. That really was at the crux of every relationship issue that the two had ever experienced, communication. This situation was no different.

They'd settled back into the loft, Kate enjoying being back in the presence of Martha and Alexis. Rick had been beside himself over the past several weeks due to his daughter's decision to attend college at NYU. She would be moving into the dorms soon, but would still be able to be home for dinner when she wanted to. Kate was happy that the girl had decided to stay close to home as well.

Once they were settled in, everyone agreed that a movie in the living room was warranted. They'd chosen Love Actually, and made ice cream Sundays. As Kate ate her Sunday, which was sorbet in order to avoid dairy, she watched the other people in the room with her. They were loving and accepting of her, even at her lowest point, they were family and it was a feeling she relished in. After the movie Rick and Kate made their way to bed. They took advantage of Kate feeling fairly well that day, and knowing that treatment was coming, were aware it was short-lived.

As they lie in bed he caressed her gently, using natural essence oils to massage her sensitive skin. She'd found that soft massaging, especially on her neck and lower back, helped tremendously with her body aches. He'd rub her back first gently making small circular motions in her skin, starting with the back of her scarf-covered head, working down her neck and shoulders, her back, hips, bottom, thighs, legs and feet. He then helped her to turn onto her back and face him. Now that she was fully healed, with a fading scar (which he swore still somewhat resembled the superman emblem to him), on her chest, he was able to touch her without worry of causing harm. He would start at her temples, move to her neck, down her chest and stomach, to her thighs, shins and feet. He always used special care to work the tension out of her pressure spots, under her collar bones, on the top and bottom of each breast, beneath her ribs and along the top of her pubic bone.

On this evening in particular she was feeling quite responsive, which was unusual. The chemotherapy had destroyed her sex drive for the most part, and she'd found it nearly impossible to reach physical readiness for intercourse. He'd never suggested using lubrication or any other aid, as he did not want to push her, given all she'd been through. However, she found herself responding to him on that evening, watching his arms work and his hands caress every inch of her body. She quickly filled with a desire for him, to be with him. At first he had no idea how he was effecting her, as he was too focused on the task at hand. She simply let herself enjoy the sensations of being touched by him, especially in her more intimate areas.

As castle worked the knots out of his partner's skin he'd focused on the intensity of his ministrations. Given her compromised platelet levels, even slightly overdoing it would cause her skin to bruise. He shuttered at the thought of being responsible for marring her beautiful skin in any way. Pouring more oil onto his hands he moved to lightly brush the skin below her ribs, moving down to the area on her lower abdomen, just above her pelvic bone. He was pulled from his thoughts by the sudden moan that slipped from her mouth. In somewhat of a shock, he looked up to Kate's face and found her wide-eyed, staring up at him with clear desire. There was no room for doubt about her intentions, as she pulled him down on top of her, seeking his lips firmly but passionately.

"Kate?" He questioned her "are you sure?" He was somewhat apprehensive by her sudden flash of arousal.

"Yes Rick. I'm sure." She replied, partially into his mouth in her refusal to completely break contact. She relished in the feel of his body on top of hers, as it was the first time since before the surgery that they'd had the opportunity to feel the direct skin to skin contact of their chests with him lying on top of her. This time they were careful to use protection, as it was mandatory for Kate to be removed from birth control before her treatment sessions began.

They moved slowly together that night, savoring eachother's touches and whispering words of love to one another. He told her over and again how beautiful she was and she reminded him of how much she needed him. These were the moments when the two could truly find an escape from the pain that seemed to be all around them. During these times, so few and far between, they felt as if their future was full of promise and they were building towards an eternity together. These moments belonged to them and them alone.