Chapter 7

Over the next few days, Christian behaves as if they'd never had their late-night conversation; he is his usual friendly self, and goes about each day as if he hasn't got a care in the world.

And having thought long and hard about what to do, Syed's plan of action is to bury his head in the sand; so he also tries to behave as if nothing had been said.

Then one afternoon, Christian casually mentions that he's meeting Roxy for a drink that evening, and that it will probably end up being a late night.

Syed immediately gets the significance of this; that it's the beginning of the end for them. Quickly mumbling about needing to look for something, he disappears into his bedroom. Once there, he tries to calm himself down; to stop himself running back out and begging Christian not to leave him. He is still lying on his bed a couple of hours later when Christian knocks.

"I'm leaving now, so you'll need to come and take care of Kylie."

"Yea, of course," Syed says brightly, but Christian can hear the hurt in his voice.

After he leaves, Syed watches for Kylie to wake up so that he can confide in her about his problems.

"What should I do, Kylie hon?" he asks, picking her up the second her eyes flicker.

"Ky-ee," she mumbles sleepily.

"Yes, a beautiful name for a beautiful girl," he says with an affectionate smile. "You hungry?" he asks. "Did dad feed you before he left?"

"Da-da," Kylie replies, but can't be any more helpful than that.

"I love dad very much," he tells her as he prepares her dinner; "and I love you and Fozzie; I couldn't bear to be without any of you," he confides, his voice wobbling slightly.

"Fo-we, Fo-we," she repeats excitedly; and, hearing his name, Fozzie gets up and comes to the kitchen wagging his tail. Syed feeds Kylie first and then gives him his dinner.

Too depressed to concentrate on TV or a book, Syed goes to bed early.

##########################

"Morning," Christian says cheerfully when Syed walks into the kitchen the next day.

"Morning," he replies flatly, going to give Kylie a kiss and get some juice from the fridge. "Did you and Roxy have a good time last night?" he forces himself to ask, with the pathetic hope that they didn't.

"Yea, we had a right laugh; ended up in a club where we got chatting to a couple of guys from North London who were totally mad."

"Right," replies Syed, wishing he hadn't asked.

"Okay, I've got to go," Christian announces breezily, getting up and walking over to give Kylie a kiss and Fozzie a head-rub; and walking past Syed without giving him anything.

"Oh Kylie, what am I going to do?" Syed asks unhappily, picking her up as soon as the door closes behind Christian, and giving her a comforting hug.

###

Christian has a busy day, and doesn't return until almost 11pm.

"Where have you been?" Syed demands agitatedly, jumping up as soon as he walks in.

"Jane had a big order in the Vic, and she asked me to help her."

"Why didn't you phone to let me know you would be late; or answer any of my calls or texts?" Syed snaps.

"Was there a problem?" Christian asks blandly.

"No," he mumbles, "your dinner is in the oven." With that, he goes to his room and doesn't come back out until the next morning.

He manages to hold out until the following night ...

###

"Christian," Syed calls softly, tapping on his bedroom door.

"Um, what?" Christian mumbles sleepily. "What's up?" he asks, reaching to turn on the bedside lamp.

"Can I come in?"

"Sure, of course," he replies, his heart pounding even before he's fully awake.

Syed opens the door and hesitantly enters.

"Everything okay?"

He nods, but doesn't say anything else. He just stands with his head bowed, his hands fiddling with the bottom of his t-shirt.

"Sy?"

"I can't be what you want me to be anymore," he begs for understanding.

"Okay," Christian says evenly.

"But I love you, and I don't want to lose you," he adds huskily, lifting his head so that their eyes meet.

Christian doesn't reply, and they stare at each other for an endless moment; Syed's eyes pleading, desperate; Christian's firm and unyielding. And then Christian folds back the quilt.

"Come here," he huskily commands.

Syed takes a step back, as if to leave, but then accepts that that's no longer an option. He nervously walks over to the bed, and gets in. He lies perfectly still, overtaken by shyness; his eyes closed, his cheeks flushed. Christian takes a moment to let his eyes run over his beautiful face and down over his perfect body, which he has missed so much these past few months. Feelings of joy and relief wash over him. "Now that I've got you back, I'm never going to let you go again," he whispers as he leans forward to kiss him.

At first, Syed holds back, but then lets him deepen the kiss, and draw him into his arms.

##########################

"Hey sleepy head," Tamwar greets, when Syed walks into the kitchen the next morning.

"Where's Christian?" he asks, panic immediately setting in. "Why are you here? Where's Kylie?"

"Hey, calm down," Tamwar replies, surprised. "Christian's gone to work. He said you hadn't been sleeping well recently, and that he wanted to let you have a lie in. He asked Jane to babysit, but she couldn't get off work, so he called me. And Kylie is asleep in her cot," he adds, gesturing to the cot just out of Syed's line of sight.

"Right, of course, sorry," Syed mumbles awkwardly.

"Are things okay between you two?"

"Yea, fine."

"Has he done something? Has he?" Tamwar demands, a harsh note entering his voice.

"No," Syed insists.

"Have you argued?"

"No."

"Syed, you can tell me anything," he gently reminds him.

"I'm fine, we're fine, honestly."

"Hi honey, I'm home," Christian sings cheerfully, opening the front door and walking in. "What's wrong?" he asks, seeing their two serious faces.

"Nothing," Syed says quickly.

"When he saw me here, his first thought was that you'd taken Kylie and done a runner," Tamwar informs him in an accusatory tone.

"It wasn't, I was just surprised to see him; I didn't expect him to be here," Syed tries to explain.

"Sy, why would you think ...?" Christian starts to ask.

"I'm going to have a shower," he replies, hastily cutting him off.

"Thanks for taking care of Kylie, Tam," Christian says, his eyes on Syed as he walks out of the room.

"No problem; if you don't need me anymore, I'll head off," he replies, heading for the door.

"Tam, wait," Christian calls after him, once he hears the sound of the shower. "What did Sy tell you?"

"Nothing," he replies, "he said everything was fine; but when he first saw me, he went straight into panic mode, which makes me think he is still very insecure about you."

"I know," Christian sighs, "it's going to take time to rebuild his confidence in our relationship; but you don't need to worry about him, about us; I'm not going anywhere."

"I assumed when he moved back here, that you'd sorted stuff out," Tamwar admits.

"No, it's not quite that simple. I can't tell you everything, but part of the reason Sy moved back in with me was because he was afraid to be on his own."

"Why?" asks Tamwar, shocked. "Christian, tell me why," he demands when Christian shakes his head.

"He got attacked by his boss, in his flat," Christian reluctantly tells him.

"What? Oh my God. Did he get badly hurt?"

"No, he managed to let me know he was in trouble, and I got there before the guy could do too much damage. He wasn't too badly hurt physically, but the whole ordeal really terrified him."

"It was almost three months ago, wasn't it? I remember because it was Afia's birthday. He came over to help me decorate the Argee Bhajee for her party. He was acting strangely, doing that forced happiness thing he does when he's trying to hide something. But he had a cut lip; he said he'd gotten it when Kylie accidentally hit him with her rattle. The way he described it, we were laughing about it; and then he started talking about something else, and I got sidetracked and forgot to press him to tell me what really happened."

"Please don't say anything to him about it; he made me promise not to tell anyone," Christian begs.

"But why would his boss just attack him?"

"I don't know, he refuses to talk about it," Christian replies evasively.

"So, that's why he's been a bit all over the place," Tamwar says sadly.

"To be honest, if I hadn't been a complete arse, none of it would have happened," Christian admits miserably. "He should have been here with me and Kylie that night. He's had such a rough few months."

"Yea, you've really let him down," Tamwar snaps, suddenly furious. "He gave up his family for you; and you repaid his loyalty by cheating on him, which turned his world upside down yet again."

"You've got a lot more to say for yourself than you used to," Christian nervously tries to lighten the mood; "it must be the love of a good woman."

"Yea, well Syed is a shadow of his old self: all jumpy, fearful, unhappy. I guess it must be the love of a weak man. You know, if I'd had any idea of how much pain you were going to cause him, I'd never have encouraged him to give your relationship a chance."

"You think I don't know how much I've hurt him?" Christian angrily demands; but his anger cuts no ice with Tamwar.

"So, if he's only here because he's afraid of being on his own, then you guys aren't really back together?" he asks hopefully.

"Yes, we are, or at least we're getting there," Christian replies defensively. "He still loves me, but is afraid to trust me; which is completely understandable."

"Maybe it would be better if he came to live with me and Afia," Tamwar tries to reason. "We're moving into our new house soon. Syed can ..."

No, NO, he's going nowhere," Christian shouts defiantly, but is unable to keep the panic out of his voice. "His place is with me; I'm his family. I love him."

"Maybe you don't love anyone as much as you love yourself," Tamwar suggests bitterly. "You wouldn't have cheated on Syed if you'd really loved him. He is a good person, who always tries to do the right thing; he doesn't deserve the pain you've caused him."

I won't hurt him ever again, I promise," Christian is forced to weakly offer.

"Yea, unless you do, of course?" he replies sarcastically.

"If you try to persuade him to leave me ... you won't take him from me; I won't let you ...," Christian angrily informs him, his voice rising once more as he loses any bit of control he ever had over this conversation.

"If I thought for a moment I had a chance of persuading him to give you up, I'd beg, plead with him to leave you," Tamwar admits honestly; "but we both know he would never be able to let you go. He only sees you, he can't live without you; I know that, I've known it for a long time. He went to Leeds when he found out you were cheating on him because he was hurting so badly; because he wasn't thinking straight. That's the only way he was able to leave you even for a few weeks."

"If he was my brother, I'd try to get him to leave me too," Christian admits with a small sad smile.

"I don't dislike you, and I think you're basically a decent person; but I hate what you've done to my brother," Tamwar admits. "Since you've been living together, you've too often allowed the selfish side of your nature to control your behaviour; which I think has ruined the loving relationship you and Syed once had. You're not the man I once thought you were, and I really don't think you can make him happy anymore," he bluntly lays it on the line.

"I understand where you're coming from," Christian quietly submits, "but I'm not going to let him go. And I know I can make him happy; we were happy after we got together; before I lost sight of what was truly important, and ended up ruining everything."

"Okay," Tamwar wearily accepts. "You know sometimes I wish he'd never met you," he adds bleakly, before turning and walking out the door.

Christian slowly closes the door behind him; and walks, on legs which are not quite steady, towards the bedroom, where Syed has just emerged from the shower.

"What's wrong?" he immediately asks, concerned.

"Why did you think I would take Kylie and run?" Christian asks his own question.

"I didn't, of course I didn't; this is your home; you wouldn't ..."

"Why, Sy?"

"It was just for a moment, a second; I don't know where the idea came from," he laughs nervously.

Christian remains silent and waits for him to continue.

"Last night ...," Syed finally murmurs, his eyes focusing on the steam gathering on the window.

"Tell me about last night?" Christian gently encourages.

"I was nervous ... I wasn't able to be as ... like in the past … you must have been disappointed …"

"You were perfect."

"No," Syed immediately rejects the idea.

"You were shy, you were hesitant, you weren't as confident as you had been before everything happened, but you were perfect."

"Okay," Syed meekly responds, but Christian can see by his unhappy face that he doesn't believe him.

He walks over and takes him in his arms. "I'm so sorry for what I've done to you," he says in a choked voice, burying his face in Syed's neck.

Syed can feel his tears against his skin. "I love you," he says softly.

"Do you really?" Christian begs for reassurance.

"So much."

"Please don't ever leave me," he begs tearfully.

"I won't," he promises.