We head off to battle. It's me, a dude who thinks he's a werewolf, a half-dozen people who think they're vampires, a girl who thinks she's a rock star, and a guy who thinks
he's the chief of police in a small northwestern town.

There's no way we can lose.

The sun is finally rising when we set out in Charlie's Chevy Suburban. There's a chill in the air and everyone bundles up over their body armor. Except Jake, of course. He's still
shirtless.

It takes us nearly an hour to reach the Forbidden Mountains. When we arrive, there's a girl with shockingly pink hair hanging out, as if she's been waiting for us.

Jake jumps from the car before it's even come to a complete stop.

"Lava Girl?" he says, a huge smile crossing his face. "Wow, you've really grown up."

They embrace, and Jake/Taylor/Shark Boy takes her face in his hands. He looks deep into her eyes, and I have to admit, it's a bit uncomfortable for all of us.

"I've missed you," Lava Girl says, and they begin to kiss. At first, it's sweet, but as their panting becomes heavier and they begin to slobber, it's all I can do not to puke.

"Uh, I hate to break up your reunion," I say, "but we've got things to do."

"Sure, sure, Rob," Taylor says, approaching me. He leans in and whispers. "I've always had the hots for her, you know?"

Without another word, we start heading up the mountain, a posse unlike I - or probably anyone in North America - has ever seen. I lead, hefting the shotgun, while Charlie takes up the tail.

The other actors are all armed with unloaded weapons that Charlie borrowed from the police weapons cache. We don't want any of them to get hurt.

We're near the top when we come to a plateau and I motion for everyone to stop. We all rehydrate, except for Bella/Kristen/Joan. She's got her earbuds in and is rocking out. I go up to her.

"Do you still think you're Joan Jett?"

She blinks. "Um," she says, looking down, her fists clenched. She looks up, glances back at the crowd of people behind me. "Who are all these people, Rob? Where the hell are we?"

Thank God she's back, even though she doesn't know it yet.

"I don't have time to explain. Just tell me right now, What's your favorite movie?"

"That's easy, Rob. The Jungle Book."

And suddenly, I have a plan.

-30-